Not Pretending Anymore

by Ward, Penelope

  It was Friday morning. Declan was at work, but we had planned to hang out tonight, since it was my last evening off for a few days. He’d be leaving on Monday.

  When I went out to the kitchen, I noticed a single pink M&M on the countertop along with a note.

  Mollz, I realized that before I leave I should probably give you back your pink M&Ms. But I’ve decided to leave them around the apartment in various spots so when I’m gone you’ll think of me and smile whenever you find them. It’ll be like I’m still here. (Not.) This is your first one. I hope you have a good day. See you tonight.

  CHAPTER 22

  * * *

  Declan

  “You know what? I’ll take these, too.” I pointed to a colorful bouquet of flowers. I’d stopped at a fresh fruit stand to pick up some strawberries for the dessert I planned to make Molly.

  The old woman who worked there smiled. “Good choice. These just came in. The colors are so pretty, aren’t they?”

  “They are. I’m not usually a flowers guy either.”

  The woman tsked. “Uh-oh. You must be in the doghouse then? What did you do?”

  I laughed. “No, I’m not in any trouble.”

  “Just bringing them for no reason?”

  “Yeah, I guess. I’m making my…friend dinner and thought they would be nice to put on the table.”

  The woman bagged the strawberries, and I paid. As she handed me the flowers, she winked. “Good luck with your friend tonight.”

  The fruit stand was the last of five stops I’d made on the way home. Since tonight would probably be the last meal I’d get to cook for Molly, I’d decided to leave work early and surprise her by making appetizer-sized portions of all of her favorite dishes. I knew that would make her smile, which in turn, had me in a good mood. It was the first time I’d been able to put thoughts of leaving Chicago out of my mind. In fact, I felt so chipper as I walked home, I didn’t even realize I was whistling.

  About a block from the apartment, I stood at the crosswalk waiting for the red light to change. While I whistled the old “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” song, I happened to glance across the street at the Italian restaurant Molly and I had ordered from a few times. And my whistling came to an abrupt stop.

  Molly.

  She was inside the restaurant, sitting at a table right up against the front window. And she wasn’t alone. Will sat across from her. The light I’d been waiting on turned green, and people all around me started crossing. But I couldn’t move. I just stood there staring. Molly was smiling—she had a big, real smile that lit up her beautiful face. The douchebag across from her leaned in and said something, and her head bent back in laughter.

  Ever see a car accident on the side of the road? You know you shouldn’t look, yet you can’t stop staring—even when what you see causes an ache in your chest. Yeah, that’s not what this felt like at all. This felt like I’d been the one who crashed the fucking car into a tree going eighty miles an hour. My chest tightened, and my throat constricted, making it hard to suck air into my lungs.

  Fuck.

  Fuck.

  Fuck!

  My Molly. With Will. And she looked…happy. As much as I wanted that for her, it was physically painful to see another man making it happen. Two minutes ago I’d been bringing home flowers and whistling, yet now my whole world had come crashing down on me. I’m not an idiot—I’d known I had strong feelings for Molly. But now I realized I felt a lot more than that.

  I’d fallen in love with her.

  ***

  A text came in as I folded another pair of pants into my suitcase.

  Molly: Should be home about 7:30. I went over to my dad’s this afternoon to check in on him, and we lost track of time. Want me to pick up anything on the way back?

  After I’d gotten home earlier, I’d sat around moping, trying to figure out what to do. Nearly four hours later, the decision I’d come to felt a little rash, but deep down I knew it was the right thing…for both of us.

  Rather than tell Molly I’d moved up my flight, I chose to wait until she got home. I didn’t want her rushing back and taking time away from her dad.

  Declan: No, all good. Enjoy your time with your father.

  An hour later, I was zipping my last suitcase closed when I heard the front door open. I’d meant to go out into the living room and greet her so we could talk before she noticed all my luggage, but she came to my room before I could finish.

  “Hey, what do you say we…” Molly’s voice trailed off, and her brow furrowed as she took in the suitcases on my bed. “You’re packed already?”

  “Yeah.”

  She walked over to an open, empty dresser drawer and shut it before opening the one underneath.

  Empty.

  She quietly shut it and moved on to the one underneath that.

  Again empty.

  “What’s going on, Declan? You didn’t leave any clothes out.”

  She’d asked the question, but her face told me she already knew the answer.

  I sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to me. “Come sit.”

  During the months I’d lived here, there were probably half-a-dozen times I should’ve lied to her—like when I’d admitted Julia and I had fooled around, or better yet, when I’d told her I had feelings for her. But I’d been mostly honest. So the bullshit words I spoke now tasted extra sour coming out of my mouth.

  “There’s been a change in plans. The guy working with our Wisconsin client had an emergency. So my boss told me I need to be there sooner.”

  Molly looked panicked. “When?”

  I swallowed. “Tonight. I’m booked on the last flight out of O’Hare. It leaves a few minutes before eleven.”

  “But…but…that means you have to leave for the airport by, like, eight thirty?”

  “Eight fifteen, actually. I have a car coming for me.”

  “Oh my God, Declan. No! That’s too soon. We didn’t get to spend any time together.”

  I looked down and nodded. “I know. I’m sorry.”

  Molly looked at her watch. “Why didn’t you call me or text me earlier? I would have come home instead of going to see my dad tonight.”

  “Your time with your dad is important. I didn’t want you to rush.”

  “But my time with you is important, too.” She reached over and took my hand. It felt so damn right, which made what I was doing even harder.

  I cleared my throat. “Come on. Why don’t we go out to the kitchen? I made you dinner and have water boiling. Let me feed you one more time before I have to go.”

  Molly and I were both quiet as I led her out of my bedroom. I’d changed my plans from making appetizers to making fresh gnocchi, so they only needed to boil for three to four minutes. The water was already simmering, so I turned it up to a boil before starting to heat the cream sauce.

  “It’ll only take five minutes. I picked up some of the wine you like. You want a glass?”

  Molly sat down at the table. Her face was glum, but she nodded and attempted a smile, though she failed miserably.

  “Here you go.” I set a glass of her favorite white in front of her.

  The mood in the room was somber as I pulled together dinner. I made two plates and placed them on the table.

  “Eat up,” I tried to joke. “This could be your last good meal for a while now that you’ll be cooking for yourself.”

  Molly pushed the pasta around with her fork. Finally, she looked up at me. “What were you going to do if I didn’t get home?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I told you I’d be home around seven thirty. But what if my train got stuck or something? Were you going to leave without saying goodbye?”

  I hadn’t poured myself any wine, but I changed my mind now and filled a glass. “I don’t know. But you made it home. So it doesn’t really matter, does it?”

  Molly surprised me by raising her voice. “Yes. It does freaking matter!”

  I put my hands up. “Okay…
okay. I guess I would’ve called you to say goodbye then?”

  She shook her head. “Really? After the last few months you would have just walked out the door—without even saying goodbye to me in person?”

  I dragged a hand through my hair and shook my head. “I don’t know, Molly. It didn’t happen like that, so I can’t really be sure what I would’ve done.”

  Molly pushed her chair back, the bottom of it scraping against the tile as she stood. “Yes, we can be sure. Because you just told me you would’ve left without saying goodbye!” She turned and marched off toward her room.

  “Where are you going?”

  “To be alone. Since you don’t care if you say goodbye to me in person, we don’t need to spend this time together.”

  “Molly, wait!”

  Her response was a door slam—so hard it made the walls in the living room shake. I closed my eyes. Fuck.

  I sat in the kitchen for a few minutes. But then I caught the time on the microwave and a wave of panic hit me. Nineteen minutes. I had nineteen goddamned minutes left with Molly, and whether she was pissed off or not, there was no way in hell I was going to spend them alone. So I walked to her bedroom, knocked gently, and waited.

  No answer.

  So I knocked a second time and creaked open the door. “Moll—”

  “Go away.”

  The hurt in her voice was palpable.

  “I’m coming in.”

  I gave her ten seconds to stop me, but when she didn’t, I opened the door the rest of the way.

  Fuck. She was crying.

  I shut my eyes and swallowed before walking over to the bed and sitting beside her.

  “Molly, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just…I have no idea how to do this. I don’t know how to say goodbye to you. These last few months you’ve become such an important part of my life.”

  Her shoulders began to shake a few seconds before the sound came.

  “Come here…” I turned her and wrapped her in my arms. Stroking her hair, I spoke softly. “Don’t cry, sweetheart. Please don’t cry.”

  “I’m going to miss you so much.”

  “I know. And I’m going to miss you.” I cupped her face in my hands, wiping away the tears on her cheeks. “I might be leaving, but I’m leaving a piece of me behind, Molly.” I looked straight into her eyes. “And I’m taking a piece of you with me. We’ll always have that. We won’t physically be in the same place, but it doesn’t change how much I care about you.”

  Molly sniffled. “Will we talk every day?”

  I smiled. “Dr. Dick will probably hate that. So absofuckinglutely.”

  She laughed through her tears. All I wanted to do was kiss her beautiful, red, blotchy face, but I knew that would make things harder. “Seriously, Moll.” I took her hands and weaved her fingers with mine. “Thank you for the last few months. I don’t know how you did it, but I feel like you’ve changed me as a person.”

  Molly nodded. “I know what you mean. I feel the same way.”

  Before we could say anything else, my cell phone buzzed in my pocket. I wanted to ignore it, but I had a feeling it might be the driver, so I begrudgingly let go of one of her hands and dug it out.

  I frowned reading the text. “My car is here. It’s a few minutes early. There’s nowhere to park, so he’s going to circle the block until I come down.”

  Renewed tears began to fill Molly’s eyes. I pushed a lock of hair behind her ear. “No more crying, beautiful. We’re not even going to say goodbye. I’m coming back in a couple of months, remember? So it’s more of an I’ll see you later.”

  Though it was true that I might be back, things wouldn’t be the same. She’d have spent a lot of time getting closer to Will, and…well, this would likely be the end of who she and I were to each other at this moment. I kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you soon, Mollz.”

  I was super proud of her for not crying again as she walked me to the door. I gave her one last hug and wheeled my bags out. “Take care, sweetheart.”

  It took everything in me to put one foot in front of the other and walk away. My heart wanted to stay so badly. But somehow I managed to get into the waiting car. Inside, I stared straight ahead, even though I felt Molly’s eyes on me at the window. I knew she was waiting for me to look back. But I couldn’t do that to her. It would only make it harder if she saw the tears on my face. So I looked down. Goodbye, Molly.

  CHAPTER 23

  * * *

  Molly

  A week later, my father was at the hospital for a scan. It was my day off, so I went with him. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could, and I also wanted to give Kayla some time to run her errands. She’d been by his side nearly every minute since his diagnosis.

  They’d taken Dad back a few minutes ago, so I sat in the empty waiting room by myself. While I was thumbing through a magazine, Will walked in, carrying a coffee in each hand.

  “Hey,” I said. “I didn’t think you were on today.”

  “I’m not. I came to keep you company.” He leaned down and kissed my cheek before taking the empty seat next to me.

  “You did? Thank you. That’s so sweet.”

  He extended a hand with one of the Styrofoam cups, then pulled it back and switched. “Actually, this one’s yours. It’s black. Mine has cream and sugar.”

  His thoughtfulness made me feel guilty. I’d mostly avoided him over the last week, since Declan had left. I hadn’t felt up to spending time with another man. In fact, it had been an effort to get out of bed most days, so pretending to be happy was more than I could handle.

  Will peeled back the plastic tab on the top of his coffee. “How’s your dad doing?”

  I sighed. “He’s lost a lot of weight, and his skin tone is off. But he’s doing his best to be in good spirits.”

  Will nodded and took my hand. The gesture was sweet, but it also reminded me of how tightly Declan had held my hand on that last evening before he left. Which in turn, made me feel even guiltier. I was sitting next to a man who was trying so hard to be here for me, yet I was thinking about someone else.

  “I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but it looks like you’ve lost some weight, too,” he said. “I’ve heard you tell more than one new father that it’s important to take care of the caretakers. I’d like to do that for you, Molly. You don’t need to carry this all on your own.”

  God, I’m an awful person. The guy I was supposed to be dating had offered to take care of me because I was sad. And part of the reason I was sad was because of another man.

  I squeezed Will’s hand. “Thank you. That means a lot to me.”

  Over the next half hour, our conversation moved to lighter topics. We talked about work, who was secretly sleeping with whom this month, and Will kept me entertained, telling me about all of the bizarre things he’d seen shaved into a woman’s private area over the years.

  “Someone really shaved the Chanel logo down there?”

  “How could I make this shit up?”

  I laughed and realized it was the first time I’d done so in a week. But then my cell rang, and my smile wilted. Declan’s name flashed on the screen. And I wasn’t the only one who noticed.

  Will eyed me and sipped his coffee. “Aren’t you going to answer that?”

  I shook my head. “I’ll call him back later. He knew my dad had an appointment, so he’s probably checking in to see how things went.”

  Will nodded, but said nothing.

  Since I’d been dodging him, he didn’t know Declan had left. I figured it might be a good time to fill him in.

  “He moved to Wisconsin,” I said.

  Will’s brows lifted. “Declan moved?”

  I nodded. “He had a change in his work assignment.”

  “Is this a permanent move?”

  “No. But Declan actually lives in California. He might come back for a few weeks after he’s done in Wisconsin, but then he’ll be going home to Newport Beach for good.”
<
br />   “I didn’t realize he didn’t live here.”

  Of course, since I’d used Declan to make Will jealous, I hadn’t mentioned that tidbit.

  “Yeah. He was never here permanently.”

  Will quietly sipped his coffee some more. The next time he spoke, he shifted in his seat to look at me. “How do you feel about that?”

  “About Declan being gone?”

  He nodded.

  My relationship with Will had started with a lie—Declan and I pretending to be a couple. If we had any real chance of things working out, I needed to be honest. So I was, even if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear.

  “I’m sad he left. We had grown close. But he’s a good friend, and we want to keep in touch.” I paused. “Will that upset you?”

  Will looked into my eyes. “Is that all you are now? Just friends?”

  Whether my heart wanted more or not, that was what we were now. So I nodded.

  Will shook his head. “Then, no, I won’t let it upset me. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little jealous of your relationship with him. But if you say you’re only friends, that’s good enough for me. Right now you need all of your friends to support you, even if one happens to be too damn good-looking for my liking.”

  I smiled. “Thank you for understanding, Will.”

  He squeezed my hand. “Just remember, I can be here for you, too. All you have to do is let me.”

  CHAPTER 24

  * * *

  Molly

  I opened the Advil container and out came a pink M&M. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’d stumbled on candies all over the apartment. I always thought of Declan and smiled when it happened; he was right about that.

  He’d been gone a month, and I still missed him. So much. The only difference between now and the time right after he left was that now I was forcing myself to move on—spending time with Will and allowing him to be there for me in every way. I hadn’t been able to do that with Declan around.