Evil Fairies Love Hair

by Mary G. Thompson

  No one answered.

  “Why are there a bunch of wigs stuck to the ceiling?” asked Hannah.

  “That spell is absolutely forbidden.”

  “Says who?” a tiny voice shouted.

  “Says I, Impoliptus, as you well know, Bunniumpton. I made it perfectly clear to you what consequences you would face should you break the rules. There is a very clear warning in the front cover of the Great Book of the Imps, which Sky lovingly penned herself: ‘No imps must attempt to grow big or interfere with the human world in any way excepting in their traditional role as divvy-outers of punishments and rewards.’”

  “See!” said Sky, producing a tiny quill pen out of thin air.

  “It’s written right in the book?” Lockner’s voice said.

  “I’m not sure,” said Bunny’s voice. “Her handwriting is hard to read.”

  “Bunniumpton!” Impoliptus shouted.

  No response.

  “Down from the rafters, up from the floor, out of the closets into this jar!” Impoliptus declaimed. A glass jar with a lid appeared before Impoliptus and Sky. A faded and torn label on one side read FARM FRESH PICKLES.

  Whap! Whump! Two imps clunked against the inside of the glass.

  Bunny commenced jumping up and down and waving her arms about, but Ali couldn’t hear a sound. The other imp, presumably Lockner, slumped against the side of the jar and covered his tiny ears with his hands.

  “Looks like you’re in a pickle now, huh, Bunny?” Ali said. She stared down at Impoliptus. “Not that I care, but what exactly are you going to do with them?” She hoped he would take Bunny and go away, but she doubted it would be that simple. Getting rid of all the imps was going to be a lot harder than chasing off one real fairy.

  Impoliptus raised his arms and jumped effortlessly up onto the back of a nearby chair. “Fellow imps, children,” he said. He paused to point a thin finger at the jar, where Bunny was not losing any steam. “Holes,” he said. At once, several holes appeared in the top of the pickle jar, and Bunny’s screams came through loud and clear.

  “Let me out!” she shouted, pounding on the side of the jar. “You’re going to pay for this!”

  “See!” cried Sky.

  “See what your greed has done,” said Impoliptus, glaring at the group of kids.

  “Our greed?” said Natalie Buckmaster. “All we did was help them.”

  “Who would have grown a flock if not for the incentive of a granted wish?” asked Impoliptus.

  The children grumbled.

  “Imps and children,” Impoliptus continued, “are bound together for their own protection. Imps must be bound to children because left unchecked, their evil natures will cause chaos. Children must be bound to imps because without some check on their greedy natures, they will grow up to be awful people.”

  “Not Virginia,” Bunny squealed. “That child wouldn’t harm a blade of grass!”

  “Yeah, if you’re evil, don’t you want people to be awful?” asked Michael.

  “When evil is truly in your heart, you do not need to feel it from others,” said Impoliptus. “True evil is more precious when not shared.”

  “What a load of crap!” said Bunny.

  Impoliptus ignored her. “The rules that govern me require that I test my charges once every five generations, if they ask. The legends that precede even us”—he opened his hand to indicate his sister— “declare that one day, the imps will be ready for un-enslavement, that they might perpetrate their evil without bestowing it on the undeserving. When the imps are ready, the legends say that a new sprite will take care of children. So when Bunniumpton came to us, I had no choice but to give her the secrets of un-enslavement, so that you imps could be tested. You have failed miserably and, I fear, are no nearer to being ready for the freedom to work your own evil than you were all those many generations ago when you spent your days tormenting sea creatures and humans alike.”

  “Pilose, where are you?” Ali called. “You never told me you tormented sea creatures!”

  “You never asked,” Pilose said. She was standing at the back of the pack of imps, not far from Ali. “Besides, that was before my time.”

  “You would have done it if you could, you—”

  “Having failed the test,” Impoliptus continued loudly, “you will be re-enslaved for another five generations.”

  Bunny slammed herself against the side of the jar. The jar toppled over. “I’m not going back to that child!” she shouted. “I’d rather be bald and eat hair for the rest of my life!”

  “I just want to go home,” said one of the imps.

  “My Peter was very naughty,” said another. “I miss him.”

  “But children are so big!” squealed a baby.

  “It will be all right,” said Pilose. “When we’re Divvy-imps again, they won’t be able to hurt us. They won’t be able to see us or know we’re there.”

  “Wait a minute,” said Ali. “We want the imps to go away. We don’t want them to go back to being our Divvy-imps. Nobody gets to decide whether we deserve rewards and punishments except for us. And maybe our parents, but you can always get out of things your parents say.”

  “Rewards and punishments? What are you talking about?” asked Natalie.

  Ali turned to the kids. “These imps used to go around hurting us if we supposedly did something wrong and helping us if we were ‘good’—before Bunny did her spell and made it so we could see them and they had to eat hair. Now they want to go back to being invisible and knocking us down stairs and things.”

  “Let’s stomp all over them,” said Jonathan Yeager, wrinkling his pustule-covered nose.

  “Yeah,” said Natalie Buckmaster.

  Michael looked uncomfortable. “I can’t squash them after they gave me a wish.”

  “Then don’t,” said Jonathan. “There are plenty of us who can.”

  “We can’t kill them,” said Ali. “It’s them who’re evil, not us.”

  “Does anyone care that we’re still small?” cried Molly from the top of Ali’s backpack. “There are three of us down here. We’ve been slaves and had to cover seashells with mousse all day and night. We’ve had to eat hair, and no one’s fed us any all day!”

  “You did break the rules,” said Impoliptus, “but your punishment has been just. Very well.”

  “Alison, you might want to put them down on the ground,” said Pilose.

  Ali held out her hand for Jennifer, Tyler, and Molly to climb on and gently set them down in front of her.

  “See!” cried Sky. Then she and Impoliptus chanted:

  “From children once, they became small. They children were and still they are. Justly punishment now done, it’s only fair they not crave hair. HAIR!”

  All of a sudden, there were three full-size kids standing in front of Ali.

  “I’m me!” Molly exclaimed. She patted her hair, which was back in the imp-protective bun.

  “And I’m me!” said Tyler. The two of them hugged each other with joy.

  Jennifer stood regally, radiating beauty. She reached up to her head and began taking pins out of her luxurious blond hair. “I don’t care whether it makes you crazy or not,” she said, dropping the pins on the ground. As they clattered to the floor, the imps crowded around her feet.

  “Hair!”

  “Hair!”

  “Hair!”

  “Yes, it is,” said Jennifer, shaking out her hair so that a few strands fell to the ground.

  The imps pounced on them. More and more piled on, desperate for a taste.

  Ali saw her opportunity. All the kids were back to normal or better now, except Jonathan Yeager, who deserved the hex-back anyway. She still had only the tuft of hair, not a whole imp’s worth of magic. But they had just gotten rid of Mrs. Hopper using “child magic”—something they were supposed to have had all along.

  “Come on, Michael,” said Ali. “We’re not going to stomp on them, we’re just going to send them away too.” She took his hand and
looked up at him (way up).

  Michael’s face turned beet red. “O . . . okay,” he stammered. “What are we supposed to do?”

  The imps jumped around Jennifer’s feet. She leaned over and shook her hair vigorously. The imps jumped for the strands, but being unable to grab on to any, they kept falling back on top of one another.

  “Everybody grab hands,” said Ali. “Let’s concentrate our magic.”

  “We should do the thing we did before,” said Jared. “Rubbing our heads and hopping on one foot.”

  “That’s what Mrs. Hopper told you to do,” said Ali. “I bet she didn’t want you to use all of your power. I think there’s a better way.” She knew she had to get it right the first time, or the evil imps could be around forever. This was the real test—Mrs. Hopper had just been practice.

  “We have more magic than you,” said Impoliptus. “It will be better if you let Sky and me perform our ritual and accept things the way they were.”

  Ali suddenly realized where she could find the answer. With the hand not holding Michael’s, she pulled the directions out of her back pocket.

  Thirty-Four

  “Give me that paper,” said Impoliptus.

  Now Ali was sure the directions could help her. “This paper has to tell me the truth, doesn’t it?” she said. “It’s linked to these rules you all keep talking about.”

  “That’s my handwriting you see,” said Sky. “And my exquisite illustrations. You are only seeing what I write.”

  “Then you have to write the truth, and all I have to do is ask,” said Ali. “Kids got tricked into breaking the rules because they never thought there might be more directions, or they didn’t ask the right questions. If I ask the right questions, then I win. All I have to do is be smart.” And I am smart, Ali thought. I’ve gotten us this far.

  “You will be in grave danger if you do not give me that paper,” said Impoliptus.

  “I don’t think so,” said Ali.

  “We still have the power to grant your wish,” said Impoliptus. “You have grown your flock, and it was not fair for Bunniumpton to deny you your reward.”

  “I don’t need you to grant me a wish,” said Ali. “I’m already smarter than Hannah and smarter than you.” Now prove it, Ali, she told herself. She looked down at the paper and thought carefully. What exactly did she need to know? “What are all the rules for using child magic?”

  Impoliptus pointed both hands at Ali and began whispering. At the same time, Sky pulled a tiny quill out of her pocket and began writing on air. The paper fluttered in Ali’s hand.

  Child Magic may only be used to affect sprites, plants, and inanimate objects. (Sprites = all magical creatures human-sized or smaller, including imps, fairies, djinns, pygmy unicorns, and some trolls.)

  You must never attempt to use Child Magic to affect humans, other animals, or non-sprite magical creatures.

  The power of a child’s magic increases exponentially when combined.

  To combine with greatest efficiency, link together like this:

  TO CAST A SPELL

  1. Touch fingernails and toenails together (touching the toenails of one child to another’s creates more power. Each child should touch his or her own fingernails together).

  2. Concentrate mental energy on the hair follicles.

  3. Speak words describing the desired outcome. Rhyming is always helpful.

  “Confound it, Impoliptus!” Bunny cried, now pounding on the upturned side of the pickle jar. “Can’t you get those directions away from her?”

  “It’s your fault she has imp-powered hair on top of her child magic, Bunniumpton,” Impoliptus snapped. “I suggest you help me stop her.” The jar lid popped off, and Bunny and Lockner scrambled out.

  Swoosh, swoosh. Four of the girls from the group of kids followed Jennifer’s lead and let their hair down. They swung it back and forth over the leaping, fighting pile of imps.

  “Hair,” said Lockner.

  “Focus, Lockner,” said Bunny. She jumped up to the back of the chair where Impoliptus stood.

  “See!” cried Sky, jumping up to join them.

  “Shut up with that already,” said Bunny.

  “I just want to be a Divvy-imp again,” said Lockner. “I’m sick of this.” He leaned toward the girls, who were still energetically swooshing their hair.

  “All right, everybody look at this,” said Ali. She held the directions up. “We’re supposed to link arms . . . and take your shoes and socks off first so we can press our toenails together.”

  “Let’s make them small,” said Bunny.

  “Four imps can’t make a child small,” said Impoliptus, “and the rest of your Kingdome is overcome by the filamentous biomaterial.”

  “What?” asked Bunny.

  “Hair!” Lockner squeaked, leaping off the chair. He landed on the floor with a little bounce and raced into the pack.

  “Well, we have to do something!” Bunny cried.

  Impoliptus shook his luscious black imp hair. “We can undo the un-enslavement spell. That will return you to your bonded homes and make all Impdom right again.”

  “No.” Bunny folded her arms.

  “The children are about to attempt a total displacement,” said Impoliptus. “There’s no telling where you’ll end up. And no doubt your craving for hair will be unabated. Do you want to find hair to feed two thousand imps every day for the rest of your lives?”

  “We’ll find another salon,” said Bunny.

  “And were the imps happy there, in your Kingdome?” asked Impoliptus. “Without homes of their own? Without roast beef and mashed potatoes?”

  “No,” said Bunny. “But they’d be happy living on the beach like the ancient imps. Undo my mistake with overdoing the hair. Let them be un-enslaved.”

  “They have failed the test,” said Impoliptus.

  “No they haven’t,” said Bunny. “I have. Let them go free.”

  “They are not ready, Bunniumpton. They must wait five generations.”

  “I won’t help unless complete freedom is our goal,” said Bunny. She turned away from Impoliptus and folded her arms.

  “Fine,” said Impoliptus. He winked at Sky behind Bunny’s back. “Let’s plan our spell.”

  “Okay,” said Ali. She had linked one arm with Michael and the other with Natalie Buckmaster. The other kids had attached themselves to the chain, which snaked around behind Ali, except for the five girls who were distracting the imps by shaking their delicious hair.

  “We’ll have to help you from here,” said Jennifer, dropping a single hair onto the flock, grinning as the imps jumped for it.

  “Do you think you can fix me?” asked Jonathan, whose back was pressing into Ali’s.

  “I don’t know, but I’ll try,” she said.

  “Thank you,” said Jonathan.

  “Will you kids please leave?” asked the Happy Rat, who was dejectedly holding his ruined head.

  “I think we’d like a hamburger,” said Hannah, sidling up next to him. “We’ve just eaten at Mom’s Crab Shack, but for some reason I’m hungry again.”

  “Mushroom burger with extra fries,” said Deacon.

  “Please, just leave,” said the Happy Rat, on the verge of tears. “First a whole bunch of crazy people eat everything in my kitchen and take over my party room. Then a bunch of kids come in, start a brawl, and destroy my dining room. Then, poof, all the adults disappear and the kids start talking nonsense about growing vegetables. Why didn’t I just go to college?” At that, the Rat broke down and began to sob.

  “Quick,” said Michael. “Those imps are about to do something.”

  Impoliptus, Sky, and Bunny were huddled together on the chair back, whispering.

  “Focus on your hair follicles,” Ali called out. “And repeat after me.” She didn’t know what she was going to say, but she had to trust that her imp magic and her child magic would tell her. The words were there in her brain, waiting to pop out. She just had to let them flow. She
pulled Michael’s and Natalie’s arms in tighter, and suddenly there was a connection. It was as if they were all thinking as one. And the words appeared in Ali’s mind.

  The children chanted:

  “We are children.

  We are strong.

  We won’t be punished.

  Right or wrong.

  Imps have no right to choose our fate,

  To give us things or take away.

  We make our choices for ourselves, and

  We will make our own rewards.

  We have magic

  More than yours, so

  With this rhyme we cut the cords!”

  The three imps (Bunny, Sky, and Impoliptus) pointed at the children and chanted:

  “Some are naughty

  Some are nice

  Some are almost six feet high

  Children bound us

  Good and bad

  But good outweighed and

  Made us sad

  Rewards weighed on us

  Harms were few

  We’d rather torment crabs

  We rue

  The day we bound ourselves to YOU!”

  The children chanted:

  “Leave this town

  And don’t come back.

  Don’t touch us,

  Write,

  E-mail,

  Text.

  We never want to hear from you

  In any way ever again

  Don’t call until

  The world ends!”

  And the imps chanted:

  “Send us home to sandy shores.

  We’ll never cross a child’s door.

  We only want to frolic free

  Back near where

  Our Sky shouts, ‘See!’”

  “See!” shouted Sky.

  Ali blinked to clear her vision. While they’d been chanting, the room had become a pale haze. Now it was clearing, and all the imps in the room began to glow. Suddenly, she was filled with dread. How could she have forgotten? “Crista!” She grabbed Jennifer by the arm and pulled her aside.