(in)visible

by Talie D. Hawkins

  Jake was in front of my house, leaning against his Jeep when I got home. “Megan, please let me explain,” he begged as I walked past. I took a deep breath then turned to him.

  “I’m going to save you the trouble,” I said as calmly as I could. “You’re off the hook. I come with too many complications and she’s probably less maintenance. She can have you.” I didn’t give him a chance to reply. I left him speechless as I walked into my house. He’d at least made the decision to move away an easier one.

  28

  I was alone again. I had at least pleased my parents over the next few days. I was home at lot more, and I felt too defeated to argue much, so that seemed to make them happy. Jake had attempted to talk to me for the first few days, but got the hint when I pretended not to see him, and he finally backed off.

  Part of me wondered if I should give him a chance to explain, but a flash of what I saw would play in my mind, and I knew there was nothing to be explained. Apparently he hadn’t told his best friend why we weren’t together.

  “Megan, what the hell happened?” Lance had cornered me at my locker at the end of the day, and I could see there would be no getting away from him easily.

  “Hey, take it easy. This was all him,” I said defensively.

  “All him? What does that mean?”

  I rolled my eyes and sighed in frustration. “Look, whatever. It’s over and I’m leaving, so there’s no point in talking about it. He found someone more convenient.”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “He hasn’t introduced you to his new, leggy, blonde bombshell yet?”

  Lance closed his eyes and groaned. “Samantha.”

  “Oh, so you have met? Samantha. She looks like a Samantha,” I said sarcastically.

  “She’s the devil. She broke Jake’s heart a couple of years ago, and she’s been living out of state with her dad. I didn’t know she was back.”

  “Whatever. I don’t care. Apparently she’s back so I’m out of the picture.”

  “You don’t understand. You should at least talk to him.”

  Now I was getting pissed. “What is there to understand? He flaked on me, and I found him with another girl. It’s pretty black and white. You know what? It doesn’t even matter. He just made me leaving that much easier.”

  “So you’re going?” I heard his voice, quiet but tense from somewhere behind me and had no idea of how long he had been standing there. I glared at him, still heated from my exchange with Lance.

  “Yes. I don’t have anything keeping me here.” He winced as if the words physically hurt. I saw Lance back away to leave us alone.

  “And that’s it? You’re not even going to give me a chance to explain?” I could see his jaw tighten. I looked around to see that the halls were almost empty. “Look at me,” he commanded quietly.

  “Explain what? You kissed her.” I felt my voice crack, and crying in front of him was the last thing I wanted to do.

  “She kissed me,” he corrected. “I shouldn’t have met her there. It was a mistake.”

  My tears were betraying me. I was hurt and embarrassed and wanted to be far away from him and in his arms all at the same time.

  “I’m so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid!” he yelled, and his fist hit the locker, making the halls echo with a metallic crash. I couldn’t stand there and watch so I ran. Even though he yelled after me, I kept running until I was in my car and as far away as possible.

  We didn’t speak again after that. Every time I would glance up at him during class, or pass him in the halls, his eyes were on me. I was haunting him, and he was haunting me and the only thing that would make this better would be the distance between us.

  The weeks before the end of the school year flew. I had been so busy with finals, and working to make as much extra cash as possible that I would forget that we were leaving soon. I tried to stay as occupied as possible, because if I had any free time my mind would wander to Jake, and the hurt of missing him was too much. Even after what I saw, a huge chunk of me ached for him.

  As soon as I stepped into the door at home I was reminded of our upcoming departure. Boxes lined the halls of our home and we had been eating sandwiches and cereal out of paper plates and bowls since most of our kitchen was packed up.

  Something odd had happened during our packing up process. We’d come across something that would remind us of a memory- good or bad- and we’d either laugh or cry together as we processed it. I had always assumed it was too late for my family to heal, but I was starting to see that I was wrong. My parents were still unstable and out of touch with me, but we were taking baby steps towards a relationship of some sort.

  The other unexpected change was my relationship with Logan. By some miracle, he was my friend again. My friend that I remembered from my childhood. He still hadn’t been back at school, even though his therapist said it would be best for him to get back to a regular life, but he had enrolled in online high school and promised himself that he’d go back next year. We’d meet a couple of times a week and lately our visits would include him belly aching about my move.

  He surprised me during one of the last shifts I had at the coffee shop. He walked in wearing the smile I knew from our childhood. I was happy for the distraction. It was too quiet and my mind was wandering to things I didn’t want to think about.

  “Where are the bosses?” he asked as he flopped on the sofa.

  “They have the night off. What they said was ‘we can’t look at your face without falling apart’ to be exact, so they left me alone.” He just grinned at my mocking of Mark and Betsy.

  The shop was pretty dead so I made us both a frothy caramel latte and joined him on the sofa.

  “Don’t leave, Eggy,” he whined in a goofy voice.

  “I have to. I think I have to give them a chance. Besides, every time I turn a corner I think I see Jake. Everything about him haunts me and it hurts.

  “Well, maybe you really are seeing him,” he said as he motioned to the shop door. Jake stood just inside of it with his hands in his pockets. “Want me to get rid of him?” I shook my head no.

  “I have this,” I said as I got up to confront him.

  29

  I approached with my arms crossed tight over my chest. I couldn’t really look at him without feeling like I needed air. “You really shouldn’t....,” I started, but he cut me off right away.

  “Let me talk.” I could tell he was trying to be patient as the muscles in his jaw clenched tight. “I gave you a chance to explain when you broke my heart. Now you need to give me that same courtesy.”

  I looked at him like he was crazy. “Same courtesy? I was trying to avoid hurting you. What you did was ruthless.” I didn’t realize I was shouting until the few people in the shop grew silent.

  “Samantha is my ex-girlfriend,” he started, not giving me a chance to refuse his story. “She went to East High, so we never saw each other. I tried to break up with her numerous times, but she was pretty messed up. She was addicted to pills and constantly using me for money and rides. I finally had the balls to break up with her just before her mom sent her to rehab and back to her dad after that. Even when I was with her I could never give her my heart because someone else held it. You,” he said in a voice that ached. I still couldn’t look at him, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be hearing what he was saying.

  “She called me out of the blue the other day. Her dad sent her back. I wanted to tell her in person that she needed to stay out of my life. She was toxic and still is. She tried to change my mind and that kiss was a desperate attempt to remind me of something she thought we had, but the truth is that we never had anything. My heart has belonged to you since I first saw you in seventh grade. Yes, I had girlfriends, and yes, I had other crushes, but only because I never thought I stood a chance with you. You were always the only one for me. I couldn’t let you leave thinking the worst about me. At least I know I tried.”

  He turned and walked out before I
could say a word. I had always been the quiet one, but this left me beyond speechless. I stared out after him, forgetting that Logan was behind me and had seen the whole thing. When I turned around he was trying to be nonchalant, like he hadn’t been paying attention. I flopped down on the couch next to him and hid my face with my arm.

  “That was pretty brutal,” he finally said.

  “Yeah, it felt pretty brutal.”

  “I have to admit though- that took balls.”

  “You’re not helping,” I said as I glared at him.

  “Probably not, but I know what it’s like being in love with you.” I looked at him like he was crazy. “Stop worrying. My therapist said I’m only allowed to be in a relationship with myself.” He stood up and pulled me up with him, hugging me goodbye before he took off.

  I thought about what Jake had said as I closed up the shop that night. It didn’t take the image of him and Samantha away from my mind, and the deepest part of me knew he was telling the truth, but it was too late for that. My things were packed, moving trucks would be coming soon, and I had an airline ticket to the east coast, but actually leaving felt surreal.

  My final weekend in Flagstaff had arrived. Mark and Betsy had insisted on throwing me a tiny going away party. The only people on the guest list were Logan and Parker, and a few coffee shop regulars. I made myself smile, but unfinished business nagged at the back of my head. Jake. I couldn’t stop wishing he was with me during my last few days in town, but I knew it was better this way. Better that it ended and we could both move on with our lives.

  After many tearful hugs from Mark and Betsy and a melancholy high five from Parker, I headed out with Logan by my side.

  “Shit, this sucks,” he admitted with his hands deep in his pockets.

  “Eggy, promise me we won’t fade from each other’s lives again.”

  “I promise.”

  “Good, cause I just got you back.” He wrapped his arms around me and smothered me in a hug that felt like home. “Okay, I can’t look at your face anymore. Go. Go!” he teased, but I knew exactly how he felt.

  I didn’t want to be home- not just yet. It wasn’t quite dark yet, so I made a pit stop.

  The pit of my stomach was in knots as I approached his stone. The rational side of me knew he wasn’t really in there, but it hurt to think I would leave his spot behind. Tears had already welled up in my eyes as I knelt to clean off his stone.

  “So this is weird. I’m finally leaving and I don’t want to. After all that bitching and moaning, I don’t want to go. Careful what you wish for, right? God, I can almost hear you mocking me.”

  I flopped on the ground and leaned against the cold marble. It was peaceful here, and I wanted to take it all in. I wasn’t sure how long it would be before I could come back. I closed my eyes and took in the scent of the fresh cut grass and tall pines that surrounded me. People came to mourn here every day. I would remember this place as my escape.

  An image of Jake popped into my mind, and for a second I let myself indulge. I remembered the way it felt when he would hug me, and how I fit so perfectly under his chin. I half expected to find him standing there when I opened my eyes, but I was still alone.

  I didn’t even try to sleep that night. The sight of my phone nagged at me, and I talked myself out of calling Jake about a million times. At some point, my parents started to argue, and everything felt oddly normal with the sound of that happening. As I stared up at my ceiling, I tried to list off the ways the move would be good.

  Fresh Start

  Possible new friends (probably not)

  Close places to travel

  It was only for a year

  The sound of my phone made me jump, causing me to almost fall off of my bed. His name was on my screen. Why was Jake calling me? I wanted to answer, but I didn’t. To my surprise he left a voicemail, and I didn’t see the harm in listening to it.

  “I knew you wouldn’t answer so I called to hear your voicemail greeting. I just needed to hear you.”

  I had been wrong about a voicemail not being harmful. I put my face in my pillow and let out tears that had been building up for days and days. They were Jake tears. Not tears about the move, or missing my hometown. Just Jake tears.

  30

  My parents were still arguing when I made my way downstairs the next day.

  “I can’t leave him behind,” I heard my mom whispering in hushed desperation.

  “This is what we need. This is what I need.”

  “It’s always about what you need,” she bit back, but they both fell silent when I walked into the room. No one was going to ask me what I wanted, and I had made some sort of peace with that.

  I spent my day watching movers load our belongings into a truck that would arrive a week after us. A separate trailer would be picking up our cars and I hoped it would arrive to our new town soon, so that I would have a way to escape. Luckily, most of my other belongings fit into the two suitcases I was allowed to take on the plane.

  I heard the doorbell ring and my dad yelled for me to get it. I opened it, expecting to see a mover or the car trailer driver, but my breath caught when I saw who it was.

  He didn’t give me a chance to react. Instead he took the small step that separated us and held my face in his hands, giving me no time to speak. His lips pressed against mine, claiming them as he kissed me like only he could. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer, urging him on.

  We were both a little out of breath when he pulled away, but he tried to hide his face from me, wiping his cheek with the back of his hand. He was crying, and it broke me.

  “I needed you to know...I just had to make sure you knew,” he started, in a broken whisper.

  I put my hands on his face and made him look at me.

  “I love you more than anything. More than I even knew I was capable of. I couldn’t let you leave without making you understand.”

  “I understand,” I whispered. Now my own tears trailed down my cheeks as he looked at me. “I love you too.”

  He wiped away a tear and kissed my lips softly- the kind of kiss that had our lips clinging together even after he pulled back. “Please don’t go,” he groaned with a half laugh.

  I rubbed my fingers along his cheekbone. “Mom, Dad?” I yelled to the house behind me. Both of my parents appeared behind me and my dad took on a defensive stance when he saw Jake in the doorway.

  “Say your goodbyes. We’re leaving soon,” he reminded me.

  I took a gulp of bravery and laced my fingers in Jake’s. “I’m not going,” I said a little too quietly.

  My dad’s shocked expression intimidated me. “Excuse me?” he asked, rhetorically.

  “I said I’m not going.” This time I had found my voice. I glanced at Jake and he was watching me with a stunned look on his face.

  “He’s just a boyfriend. You’ll go through plenty in your lifetime. You’re coming with us, and soon. Now stop being so childish,” my dad insisted.

  “No! Just listen to me. This isn’t just about Jake. I do love him,” I said as I gave his hand a little squeeze. “But this is about my life. I have been working my butt off to achieve my goals and I don’t want to throw any of that away.”

  “It’s not that easy. Where will you live? How will you provide for yourself?” My mom looked on as my dad threw these questions at me. I gave myself a moment to form what I needed to say.

  “I’m sorry that Noah’s death destroyed our world, but I have been making it on my own for a long, long time. I have a job, I have people who care about me, I am inches away from a full scholarship, and I don’t deserve to have all of that taken away because you two have decided to be parents after all this time.”

  My dad opened his mouth to argue, but my mom stopped him. “She’s right.” My dad looked at her like she had lost her mind. “She deserves to make her life, and I won’t stop her. We won’t stop her. Somehow she has managed to blossom, despite our dysfunction...like some miracle. I just w
ish I could claim some responsibility for how well you’ve turned out.”

  I stood, too stunned to speak and holding on to Jake to keep me from falling over. She didn’t stop there. “This whole process of packing up and leaving...it’s a way to heal, but you don’t need that healing. I can see that now. You have found everything you need, and the right people have come into your life at the right times, and I know now that I should be thankful, and also very ashamed.”

  “Mom, don’t. You don’t have to say that. I’m sorry.” I felt terrible for my earlier rant.

  “Megan, you have nothing to be sorry for. I’ll change my flight and make sure you get situated, but this doesn’t mean we’ll not work on being a family.” Then she did something she hadn’t done in years. She hugged me and I could feel the heavy armor I had built up crumble. We stood like that for what seemed like hours, and then she stepped away to make her travel changes.

  31

  Jake headed home to give me some time with my parents. I said my goodbyes to my dad, who seemed too stunned to put up any sort of fight about me staying, and then I called Mark and Betsy.

  “You just can’t live without us,” Betsy teased when she answered her phone.

  “Apparently not, so can I live with you?”

  “Hold on. Are you asking what I think you’re asking?”

  “Uh huh.”

  “I had the room done just in case,” she said just before the let out an excited squeal. I heard her call Mark over, then she told him the news.

  My mom spoke face to face with them and made arrangements to send an allowance to help with anything I might need. I could tell it wasn’t her proudest moment, but she knew what she was doing was right. She told me to keep my plane ticket and that I could use it trade for a roundtrip fare so that I could visit in the middle of the summer.

  When all of the dramatics of the goodbyes were over, I finally saw where I would be living for the next however long. I expected to follow Mark and Betsy to the back of the house where all of the bedrooms were, but instead I got a huge surprise. Mark opened the door to the basement, motioning his head for me to go down there.