Defensive (Guarded Heart #1)

by J. D. Rivera

  I cried for what seemed like hours before I crawled to the couch and laid down. I didn’t want to move. Ever. My heart had walked out the door earlier and I couldn’t get it back. He’d always have it.

  I heard my phone buzzing on the coffee table. I debated not answering it but, after what had happened last night, I knew Amanda would be checking on me. I’d rather talk to her on the phone than have her come over. I reached over and grabbed it. “Hello?” I tried to make it sound like I hadn’t been crying.

  “I’m just checking on you,” Amanda offered as a greeting.

  I cleared my throat. “I’m fine.”

  “Don’t lie to me. Jackson called me. I know you broke up with him.”

  “Why would he call you?” I asked.

  “He’s worried about you. He sounded awful but he just kept saying that I needed to be there for you and make sure you’re okay.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “I’m coming over so you better answer the door.”

  I rolled over and cleared my throat. “Really, I’m okay. You don’t need to come over.”

  “I’m coming over. Bye.” She disconnected before I could object again. A part of me wanted her with me and another part wanted to be alone. In the end, it didn’t matter, though, because she was on her way over.

  I got up and took a quick shower. Even thought I had showered last night, I still felt dirty from the hospital and I needed to wash all of my tears off. I felt slightly better when I got out, dressing in some yoga pants and a T-shirt. A few minutes later, Amanda was knocking on my door. As soon as I opened it, she wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug.

  “I’m so sorry. I brought ice cream.”

  “Is it from Braum’s?” I asked as I hugged her back.

  “Don’t be silly. Of course it’s from Braum’s.” She told me as she released me. “You go sit down and I’ll get us some spoons.”

  I sat down on the couch and waited for her. As soon as she came back, we popped the lid on the carton, sticking our spoons in. “Wanna talk or watch TV?” she asked.

  “TV.”

  “Okay. Let’s pick some really bad reality show.”

  “Okay,” I agreed as I grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch to curl up in.

  After watching a few hours of TV, Amanda turned to me. “So let’s talk. Why’d you break up with him?”

  “It’s for his own good. He may not be able to see it now but he’ll thank me one day,” I said before putting a big bite of ice cream in my mouth.

  “Please tell me how this is good for either one of you. He sounded awful on the phone.”

  I swallowed the ice cream. “Because I’ll never be able to give him a family and one day he’s going to realize how much he wants that. He’ll eventually leave me for Cynthia, who can and is giving him a baby. I love him so much that I know the longer I hang onto the relationship, the harder it’ll be when he leaves. Might as well end it now.”

  She threw her spoon down on the table. “I love you. You are my best friend in the world, but you are so dumb. You’re throwing away the best thing that has ever happened to you because you’re hurting and scared. You don’t know that you won’t be able to give him a child. I know several women who’ve had miscarriages and later went on to have multiple babies.”

  “Well, I can’t be sure. It’s done anyway. I broke up with him and that’s that.”

  “I’m here for you, but for the record, I think this is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done,” Amanda said.

  I grabbed the remote and turned the volume up. “That’s your opinion.”

  She grabbed the remote from my hand. “Oh, no, we’re not through. Want to tell me why Shane was here? You already told me about the drugs, but I didn’t think y’all were going to start hanging out.”

  I got up to get some water. When I got to the kitchen, I turned around. “He came over last night to give me my grandmother’s ring that he stole while we were married.”

  “Are you shitting me? And you’re being nice to him?”

  “Look, I really believe he’s sorry and the miscarriage started happening while he was here, so he offered to drive me to the hospital. You know the rest. Oh, except the part where he stayed last night until Jackson got here and Jackson threw a huge fit.”

  “A huge fit, huh? What would his fans think? Throwing a fit and crying all in twenty-four hours. That doesn’t sound like a manly basketball player.”

  That was why I loved Amanda. She could make me smile during any situation.

  Jackson

  After I left Vanessa’s apartment, I drove home on autopilot. Everything was so messed up. She’d ended our relationship instead of leaning on me during this painful time. What she didn’t understand was that I was mourning over the loss of our child, too, but I wasn’t the one who’d gone through the event. I had only known about the baby less than twelve hours and I was still processing everything.

  As I crashed on the couch, I thought about everything she had said. She thought I’d eventually leave her because I’d want a real family with Cynthia. That would never happen. Whether Vanessa was in my life or not, I’d never want to be with Cynthia. My child, yes. Cynthia, no.

  I picked up the phone and called Amanda, letting her know what had happened so that Vanessa wouldn’t be alone. I tried really hard to leave my emotions out of the conversation but I might have choked up a couple of times. Vanessa was my world and I had just lost it.

  I knew I didn’t need to be alone. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to Ray, so I decided I’d spend the day checked out and playing video games.

  I called Landon and made sure he was home before I drove over to his place. I realized Landon and Eric were quickly becoming my best friends. Maybe Landon would be able to give me some insight on how to get it through to her that this break up was a bad idea.

  I flopped down in Landon’s recliner and sighed.

  “You look awful, man,” he said.

  “I feel awful,” I groaned. “Your sister ended our relationship this morning.”

  He took a drink from his Dr. Pepper but didn’t say anything. After a few minutes, he looked over at me. “What happened?”

  I studied the game Eric was playing, which was taking up the screen in front of me. Eventually, I turned back to Landon. “Well, apparently she’s been pregnant and she didn’t tell me. She lost the baby last night and, when I got to her apartment, her ex was there.”

  “Are you shitting me? If that asshole –”

  I cut him off. “No. They’re friends now. Or something. Anyway, I was pissed that he was there and I lost my temper. That ticked her off and this morning she told me that I was better off without her because she probably couldn’t ever give me a child.”

  “Shit.”

  We both sat silently looking at the game. “What she doesn’t understand,” I began, “is that I love her for her. I don’t care if she can give me a child. This isn’t the 1800’s. If we decide we want a child later, we can seek medical help or adopt. She acts like she’s damaged goods.”

  “That’s my sister. She’s stubborn so you’ll just have to wait for her to change her mind. Sorry. I know it’s not the best advice, but it’s the truth. She was one of those kids who would hold her breath until she turned blue and passed out.”

  I took a sip of my Dr. Pepper, wishing it had something stronger in it. “I really wish I could hit something.”

  “Eric has a punching bag in his room,” Landon said with a shrug. “Do you think I should go over there and check on her?”

  “When I got home, I called Amanda. She said she would go over.”

  “Good. I wouldn’t know what to say or do. Amanda will, though.”

  I leaned back in the chair, wanting to change the subject. “So what’s up with you and Amanda? Did you guys date?”

  He got up from his chair quickly before coming back with two beers and handing one to me. He sat back in his chair but didn’t say a word.

  “I�
�m guessing she’ll know what to say to Vanessa because she’s just like her? Stubborn?” I asked. I didn’t want to be the only one discussing my relationship and feelings. Plus, it could be fun to mess with him.

  “Stubborn is putting it mildly. She’s the one who got away.”

  “So go get her,” I told him.

  He took a long pull from his beer while staring at me. “Says the guy sitting in my chair practically crying over my sister.”

  I chuckled. “I am not crying.”

  “Whatever. I bet you already did.”

  “Shut up.”

  We sat in silence for a few minutes before he cleared his throat. “I’ve thought about calling her or going over to her place, but I’m not sure what to say to her. She’s still pissed.”

  “Just try to make small talk. Don’t talk about anything that’ll bring up bad memories”

  “Yeah. I just don’t know. I’m sorry how it all went down but when I look at him,” he gestured to Eric, “I can’t really be that sorry. He’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I guess I just wish Amanda was his mom.”

  “I understand. Although I haven’t been able to get attached to the baby yet, I know I will. I just wish Vanessa was the baby’s mom, instead of a woman I can’t stand.”

  “So, I guess we’ll just stay here and play video games,” Landon said.

  And that’s what we did until we got hungry. We decided to go out for pizza to get Eric out of the apartment. I threw on an old baseball cap and hoped I didn’t get noticed. I looked rough and I wasn’t in the mood for talking with strangers.

  “Do we want to get a whole pizza or slices?” Landon asked as we looked over the menu.

  “I don’t care. I’ll eat whatever,” I said as I threw my menu down on the table.

  “Meat lovers okay?” he asked Eric.

  “Yeah, whatever,” Eric agreed and I nodded.

  The waitress came to the table and I was pretty sure she didn’t know who I was, but I think she thought Landon and I were a couple. I thought it was hilarious because I was so used to girls hitting on me.

  “What are you laughing at?” Landon asked.

  “I think she thought we were together.”

  “We are… Oh, like a couple?”

  I laughed. “Yeah, like a couple.”

  “Well, shit. I can’t go out with you anymore. How will I ever find a woman?” he asked with a smile.

  “Go over to Amanda’s and talk,” I stated.

  “Go over to my sister’s and talk then.”

  “I want to go see Aunt Vanessa,” Eric chimed in.

  “Not today but maybe this week.”

  “Okay. Why isn’t she here today?” he asked us, just noticing that she was missing.

  “She’s not feeling well,” Landon told him.

  I kind of checked out of the conversation, wanting to text Vanessa. I just wanted to know if she was okay. I knew I couldn’t text her. Even if I did, she probably wouldn’t respond, so I texted Amanda instead.

  Me: How is she?

  Amanda: She’s okay.

  Me: Do you think she’d talk to me if I called?

  Amanda: I’m sorry but no. Just give her some time.

  I threw the phone down on the table and groaned. I should be with her instead of sitting in a pizza place with her brother and nephew.

  “You okay?” Landon asked.

  “Yeah. No. I should be there with her.”

  “Did you just text her?” he asked.

  “No, I texted Amanda. She said she’s okay but to give her some time.”

  “I know you hate hearing that, but it is probably the best thing you can do.” He shrugged.

  “Yeah. That’s what I keep hearing.”

  After we ate the entire pizza, I drove home. I was used to being away from Vanessa but I couldn’t help wanting to drive over there and force her to let me in. I grabbed my keys, ready to go, probably four or five times, but eventually set them back down for good. Space. Time. That’s what she needed.

  “Damn it,” I yelled and threw a beer bottle across the room. Since I had gotten home, I’d had five and I couldn’t bring myself to care about the shattered glass all over the living room floor.

  I strolled up the stairs and collapsed on the bed. I needed to get myself together because I had an early practice the next day along with a big game. I needed to focus on that so I put on a game from the team we’d be playing and tried to let my mind get lost. I watched half of it before my mind went back to Vanessa. I finally decided a text message wouldn’t hurt. If she didn’t reply, fine, but at least she would know I was thinking about her. I typed and retyped the message five or six times before I finally sent it.

  Me: I just want to make sure you’re okay and to let you know that I’m here if you need me. I love you.

  She didn’t respond and I finally drifted off to sleep. I spent the entire night dreaming about holding her.

  Vanessa

  It had been a couple of weeks since I’d ended things with Jackson. He had only sent me one text but I hadn’t responded. I knew that if I did, it would give him false hope and then he would give me false hope.

  I only left my house to go to work and I hadn’t really been eating. I felt empty. Amanda came over a few times and I pretended to be okay in front of her but I was dying on the inside. I had never felt so alone in my life. I knew I’d done the right thing but that didn’t make me feel any less lonely. She was still working crazy hours so I couldn’t call her but I needed someone. I wasn’t sure why, but I decided to text Shane.

  Me: Just thought I’d see how you’re doing.

  It was the lamest text message ever but a few minutes later he texted me back.

  Shane: I’m okay. How are you? Did you work everything out with Jackson?

  I wasn’t sure if I should tell him the truth or not, but in the end, I decided I needed a friend. As long as he was the old Shane, he would be an amazing friend.

  Me: We kinda broke up.

  Shane: I’m sorry. I hope I wasn’t the cause. I really do want you to be happy.

  Me: You weren’t the cause. It was a lot of things.

  Shane: Want some company? I can bring a movie.

  Me: Sure.

  I paced the living room while I was waiting for Shane to arrive. I wasn’t sure if it had been a smart move to let him come over. I needed to calm down. I was an adult and could kick him out at any time if he started acting like an asshole.

  I let him in on the second knock. He immediately sat down on the couch. “This is kinda weird, isn’t it?” he asked as I sat down next to him.

  “Yeah, it kinda is. It shouldn’t be, right? I mean, we’ve been friends since we were kids.”

  “That’s what I kept telling myself on the way over. We were friends first and we can still be friends.”

  I sighed. “Good. We agree that this can be normal. What movie did you bring?”

  He pulled it out of the bag with a huge grin on his face. “Your favorite. Joe Dirt.”

  “Oh my gosh! I so need this movie right now.”

  “I figured you could use a laugh and I knew it used to be your favorite,” he said.

  I grabbed the movie and got up to put it in the player. “It still is my favorite comedy.”

  “I also brought some microwave popcorn and Reese’s Pieces,” he said, pulling the items out of the bag. He had brought all of my favorites.

  “You didn’t need to go to so much trouble,” I told him.

  “I wanted to. You’ve been through a lot lately.”

  “Thanks.” I grabbed the popcorn and headed to the kitchen. Once the popcorn was cooked, I brought it, along with a couple of cans of Coke back to the couch and flopped down next to Shane. He was looking at all of my pictures.

  “You know, I’ve been over a few times but I’ve never really looked at your pictures. When did Eric get so big?” he asked.

  “I know, right? He’s Mister Personality. I have a lot of fun hanging out wi
th him. I’m so glad Landon moved back here so I can see both of them.”

  “I didn’t know he was back here.”

  “Yeah, it’s really recent, though,” I told him as I popped my can of Coke open.

  We watched the movie in silence except when one of us would say a funny line before it was said on the screen. It was nice having someone to hang out with and I loved that he was still being the old Shane. The Shane I’d grown up with and dated.

  “So, how’s recovery going?” I asked after the movie ended.

  He exhaled, slowly. “It’s going really well. I go to meetings every week and I talk to my sponsor a lot. I’m not going to lie. I’ve wanted to use a couple of times, but so far, I haven’t.”

  “I’m really happy for you. I love this Shane so much better than the one who’s been hanging around for the last few years.”

  “Thanks. Me, too.” He took a drink from his Coke. “Hey, I have an idea.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “Do you remember how we used to go bowling all the time?”

  I smiled at the memory. “Yeah, it was you and me against Amanda and whatever guy she was dating that week. Those were fun times.”

  “How about next Friday we go bowling? It could be fun.”

  I thought about it for a minute. Tonight had been really fun. “That sounds like a great idea.”

  A couple of days later, I met up with Amanda at a local deli. I still wasn’t feeling very hungry but I picked at my food so she wouldn’t worry.

  “How are you feeling?” she asked in a way that made me feel like she thought I was fragile.

  “I’m doing okay. Shane came over the other night and we watched Joe Dirt.”

  She stopped, holding her sandwich in front of her mouth. “V, did you just say that you hung out with Shane?”

  “Yeah. It was nice. It was like hanging out with the Shane we grew up with. We’re actually going bowling Friday night if you want to come.”

  “I don’t really want to hang out with him, but I don’t think you should be alone with him. He’s an asshole.”