Defensive (Guarded Heart #1)

by J. D. Rivera

  I crawled back in bed, pulling the covers over my chest. I thought he had left when I heard him knock again. I wanted to open the door and throw myself into his arms while he told me it was all a big mistake. That he hadn’t kissed another girl or gone home with her. That it was all lies. I knew that couldn’t happen, though, because I had seen the pictures.

  “Go away,” I grumbled to myself. I walked back to the window and watched the parking lot. After a minute, tears stung my eyes as I saw him amble back to his car. For some reason, it cut like a knife to the heart. Probably because I knew he had walked away from me for the last time.

  My phone buzzed from the nightstand. I slowly headed over to it, thinking it would be Jackson. It was Shane, though.

  Shane: Just making sure you’re okay.

  Me: I’m okay. We aren’t in a relationship so he didn’t do anything wrong.

  I typed the truth but my heart felt like it was being beaten over and over again.

  Shane: Let me know if you need anything.

  Me: Thank you.

  I left my apartment for some comfort food. A McDonald’s quarter pounder and fries. Really unhealthy and it would go to my butt later, but I felt like I needed it. I used the drive-thru because I had just thrown on a huge sweatshirt and sweats. My hair was piled on top of my head and my makeup was nonexistent.

  I had just come back and sat down on the couch with my meal when Amanda knocked and then opened the door, stepping inside. “Why didn’t you lock your door?” she asked.

  I pointed to my meal. “I was preoccupied, I guess. It’s not that big of a deal.”

  “The hell it is. Your neighborhood isn’t safe, V.” She walked over to the table and stole a fry.

  “Whatever. What’s up?” I asked, pointing to the bag in her hand.

  She grinned. “We’re going out.”

  “You might be, but I’m not. I’m really tired.”

  “You already took a nap and you need to get out. Get over that jerk.”

  I took a big bite of my burger. She had a point. I did need to go out. Maybe I would pick up Jackson’s lifestyle and just hook up with random guys. I’d never have to worry about getting hurt.

  “What are you smiling about?” Amanda asked.

  “Huh? I’m not smiling. I’m eating.”

  She pointed to my mouth. “You were thinking about something and smiling.”

  “Maybe we should go out. I’ll call Shane.”

  “Excuse me? No. I’m not hanging out with him.”

  I popped a fry into my mouth and chewed slowly. “Then I’m not going out. He’s my friend.”

  “Do you want to get back together with him?” She asked with furrowed brows.

  “No! It’s just… he’s the old Shane. I like having the old Shane around. Besides, we talked about it and we both just want a friendship.”

  “Fine. Call him, but the moment he says anything, I will kick his ass. I don’t even want to hear a joke come out of his mouth.”

  “Great,” I said as I got up.

  “Where are you going?”

  “To text Shane and get dressed.”

  She grabbed the bag she had set on the floor and shook it. “I brought us clothes. We are going to look hot.”

  Shane came over and Amanda decided he would be our designated driver since he couldn’t drink. Technically, he could, I suppose, but he had chosen to give up alcohol to help him in his recovery. We walked to his truck and I wondered if I would be able to climb inside it with my tight dress. It wasn’t my normal look, but I had to admit that I looked hot.

  It was a black halter dress that landed mid-thigh and fit like a second skin. When I had come out of the bedroom, I heard Shane suck in a breath. I might not want to date him, but it was nice that a man thought I was attractive. And even though I didn’t want a relationship with him, Shane was still really sexy. He would turn a lot of heads at the club.

  As soon as we entered the club and found a table, I ordered a margarita on the rocks while Shane ordered a water. Amanda went to the bathroom, leaving an order for a Cosmo.

  “Want to dance?” Shane asked a few minutes later. I didn’t recognize the song but I agreed. I was there; might as well have fun.

  He led me on to the dance floor, where I noticed a few girls checking him out. He was really attractive and I hoped that one day he would be happy with someone. The only thing that made me sad is that, one day, when he and Amanda found someone, I’d be all alone. Happiness and love aren’t for me.

  We strolled back to our table after a couple of songs to get another drink. As I was about to sit down, a man at the door caught my eye. Jackson. He was with two girls and Ray. I stared at him. He had his head lowered, looking at something. As he lifted his gaze, his eyes caught mine. We both paused, unmoving for what seemed like forever, until one of the girls grabbed his arm and whispered into his ear.

  I turned around to see Shane and Amanda looking at me. “What?” I asked. I sank down in a chair taking a huge sip of my second margarita.

  “Nothing,” Shane said, looking away.

  “Are you okay? Do you want to leave?” Amanda asked.

  “Why would I want to do that? I came out to have some fun and I plan on it,” I told them as I drank the last drop of my margarita. I then turned and went to the dance floor. I just watched for a little bit but as Jason Derulo’s “Talk Dirty to Me” started playing I started dancing. Seconds after I reached the floor, hands were on me. I knew it wasn’t Shane or Jackson so I let loose. I grinded against the guy and let him touch me in ways I shouldn’t have, but seeing Jackson with another girl made me jealous. I wanted him to feel the same way. I wanted him to think I was okay and moving on, just like he was.

  I opened my eyes to see Jackson standing to the side, watching every movement I made with a scowl on his face. I didn’t care; it only made me increase my movements. I turned around and gave Jackson a show. I ran my hands all over the guy’s chest and back. Right before I reached his ass, I was jerked away.

  “Hey,” I called out. “Put me down.”

  “No. This isn’t you,” said a voice that wasn’t Jackson’s. I moved my head to see Shane.

  “What the hell, Shane?” I asked, pulling out of his grasp.

  “I know you want to hurt him and I think you did that, but as your friend, I can’t let you practically have sex with a guy you just met on the dance floor.”

  “I wasn’t practically having sex with him. I have clothes on.”

  “Have you seen the dress you’re wearing? It wouldn’t have taken much.”

  I gaped at him. “Are you saying I look like a whore?”

  He shook his head. “Not when you’re just standing here being you, but on that dance floor, yes.” He looked over my head. “I’m going to go… yeah, I’ll be back in a minute.”

  I turned around to see what he was looking at. Jackson was standing right behind me, looking hurt. What the hell? He can have sex with a girl and make national news and I can’t dance with a guy? Shane and Jackson could screw themselves. I had done nothing wrong. I turned back around, walking toward the bar to get another drink. As soon as I reached the bar, though, strong arms went around my waist and Jackson whispered, “We need to talk.”

  I whirled around, pushing him away from me. “We have absolutely nothing to talk about.”

  “I need to explain.”

  “You mean how you can’t keep your dick in your pants? I just hope you wrapped it up. You seem to have some potent sperm.”

  “Please let me explain,” he begged.

  Jackson

  Amanda had called me to tell me she was taking Vanessa out to a club to cheer her up. She wanted me to meet them there so I could “run into” them and explain. I got dressed and texted Ray, who automatically agreed to go. When he texted, saying he was outside, waiting, I walked out to the car. That was when I noticed the two girls in the backseat. Initially, I was mad, but then I realized they were his twin sisters, Kami and Kelly.
/>   I fell into the seat. “Hey. I haven’t seen the two of you in years.”

  “Hey,” they both said. One of them, maybe Kami, continued. “We’ve been living in Austin, going to school. We’re just here visiting Ray for the weekend.”

  “Oh, gotcha. I gotta admit, I didn’t recognize you at first and thought he had already picked someone up.”

  “Gross,” Kelly yelled.

  “Sorry.” I texted Amanda to let her know that we were on our way. I prayed this plan would work and Vanessa would talk to me. If it didn’t work, I wasn’t sure what I would do. I had thought about using my key to her apartment and barging in, but I knew that would piss her off more.

  We bypassed the line at the club, as I tried to mentally prepare myself for what I was about to see. Amanda had texted back, letting me know that Vanessa had insisted that Shane go with them. The thought made me angry and sick. I lifted my eyes off the floor to look into the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. There she was, staring right back at me. I couldn’t breathe or move. I was held captive by her.

  Kami or Kelly, I have no idea which, came up beside me, and grabbed my arm. “Do I get the first dance with you?” she asked.

  “I don’t dance,” I whispered back before I followed Ray.

  I looked back to where Vanessa was, but she wasn’t there anymore. We were escorted to a table but, before I knew what was happening, I was being dragged to the side by Amanda. “What the hell? I tell you to come here to talk to Vanessa and you bring girls? You can go fuck yourself.”

  I removed her hand from my arm. “It’s not what you think. I didn’t want to show up alone so I invited Ray. The girls are his sisters. They’re visiting.”

  She shook her head. “You have, like, the worst luck or something. You always manage to make yourself look bad.”

  “I know. Where is she?” I asked, looking around for Vanessa.

  “Over there,” She pointed. “You’re not going to like it.”

  “Why?”

  “You’ll see.”

  As soon as I got to the dance floor, I knew exactly what Amanda had meant. Vanessa was dancing with some guy in the dirtiest way possible. I stood directly beside them with my arms crossed, watching. I must be a masochist and not know it because it was painful to watch but I couldn’t stop. She caught my stare, which made her up her game. I was two seconds away from causing a scene because the guy she was dancing with almost let his hands travel a little too low. I almost didn’t see her try to grab his ass, because I was too busy watching the guy’s hand. Shane must’ve seen it, though, because he picked her up and set her down away from the dance floor.

  I walked up behind her, listening to their exchange. He didn’t seem to be acting jealous of the other guy; he was just worried about her. I wasn’t really sure about him, but I was going to talk to him before the night was over. I watched her turn around and meet my eyes for a second before she stalked off toward the bar. She wasn’t getting away or ignoring me anymore.

  I wrapped my arms around her and breathed in her scent. “We need to talk.” I really wanted to suck on her ear and kiss her neck.

  She spun around, pushing me away from her. “We have absolutely nothing to talk about.”

  “I need to explain.”

  “You mean how you can’t keep your dick in your pants? I just hope you wrapped it up. You seem to have some potent sperm,” she spat out before she downed a shot.

  “Please let me explain.”

  “Fine,” she said, walking back to her table.

  I sat down beside her. I wasn’t really sure where to start. I exhaled and ran my hand through my hair. “So, I guess you saw what happened?”

  “Yeah. I’m glad you’re able to get back to your old self so soon.” She said before taking a sip of margarita.

  “I guess that’s what it looks like but it’s not,” I began. “It was a mistake caused by drinking way too many shots and trying to forget about the girl who ripped my heart out.”

  “Why are you telling me this?” she asked. “We aren’t together. You can sleep with anyone you want.”

  I grabbed her hand. “I only want you.”

  “Are you sure about that? Those pictures said you wanted her just fine.”

  I gave her hand a little squeeze and took a deep breath. “I’m not perfect and sometimes I handle things really bad. This was one of those times. I have been dying since you broke up with me. I’m so, so sorry if I hurt you by sleeping with that girl.”

  “If? I broke up with you. I didn’t stop loving you.”

  “And I haven’t stopped loving you, either. I just wanted to admit to what happened and apologize in person.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for,” she told me and got up. I wanted to chase after her but I noticed she was going to the restroom. I had said my piece and now I needed to give her some time.

  I got out of the chair, searching for Shane, whom I found talking to Amanda. “Hey, I need to talk to you.”

  “Okay, so talk. We can do this in front of Amanda.”

  I smirked. “She’s my girl not yours. You better not try anything with her.”

  He had the nerve to laugh. “You’re right. She isn’t mine, but she’s not yours, either. She’s my friend and that’s all she’ll ever be to me.”

  “Oh, she’s mine. Don’t doubt that. As far as the friend thing… really? Does a friend say nasty things to a girl who deserves nothing but kindness? Who’s beautiful on the inside and outside?” I wanted to ram my fist into his face.

  “I’m an asshole. I’ll admit it, but I’m trying to change and I’m her friend. Period. I’m sorry if that bothers you, but you don’t scare me, Berrios.”

  “You know what? Let’s not do this, boys,” Amanda interrupted. She turned to me. “Jackson, you’ve said what you needed to say. Why don’t you just hang out with the people you came here with?”

  “Okay, fine.” I stated then walked away.

  I searched for Ray and his sisters to let them know I was going to take a cab home. I didn’t want to spend another minute in that club.

  Vanessa

  I missed Jackson more and more with each passing day. It definitely wasn’t getting any easier, but Amanda and Shane were keeping me busy. I had started to wonder if I’d made a mistake, breaking up with Jackson, but he hadn’t tried to contact me since the night in the club. Either he was moving on or he had given up. Either way, I had made my bed and now I had to lie in it.

  Amanda and I decided to watch The Lucky One at her apartment while eating popcorn and ice cream. I grabbed a big bowl full of cookies ‘n’ cream and sank down on the couch to watch the credits roll. It was my second bowl but I didn’t care. At this point, I didn’t really care if I gained a lot of weight or not. My only goal each day was coming home from work and changing into my sweats. I also had a sweatshirt of Jackson’s that I liked to wear because it smelled like him. I tried not to wear it a lot because I didn’t want to wash off his smell. Pathetic. I was pathetic.

  “Gosh, I love Zac Efron,” Amanda said as she hit the stop button on the remote.

  “Yeah. Who doesn’t, though?”

  She thought about it for a minute. “I’m not sure. Maybe people who are into ugly people?”

  I giggled. Even when I felt awful, Amanda always cheered me up. She didn’t even have to try; she was just funny. I couldn’t understand why Landon didn’t fight harder for her.

  “How’s bowling going with Shane?” she asked as she pulled her legs underneath her.

  “Fun. You should come.”

  “You guys remind me of Dan and Roseanne.” She said while giggling.

  “Dan and Roseanne? Like from the TV show Roseanne?” I asked.

  “Yeah. You know, they were always out bowling.”

  I popped a big spoonful of ice cream into my mouth. “That’s just mean.”

  She shrugged. “I’m just saying. That’s what it reminds me of.”

  “You suck and, on that note, I have t
o get going,” I told her as I stood up.

  “I’m just teasing.”

  “I know. I’ve been putting off grading some papers, though, and I really need to get it done.” It was the truth. Her teasing hadn’t really bothered me. I rinsed the bowl in the sink, then grabbed my jacket before hugging Amanda bye. I crawled in my old car and texted Shane.

  Me: Amanda says we remind her of Dan and Roseanne.

  I threw the phone on the passenger seat and drove away. As I started toward home, I cranked up the radio, listening to Eminem. Before I realized it, I was driving down Jackson’s street. I knew he wasn’t home because he was at a game, but I still wanted to be near him in some way. Again, I felt pathetic but I couldn’t stop wanting him.

  I pulled over across the street and put the car in park. As I glanced at his front door, I was assaulted with memories of walking through that door, of him pulling me in for a kiss. Telling me he loved me and had missed me. Tears formed in my eyes and I let them fall. I had done this. I had put my defenses up and pushed him away. I could’ve been a great stepmom to his child, but I had been jealous instead of welcoming.

  I wiped at my tears and pulled into the street. I drove away from my happy memories and from him. I would eventually stop hurting. Maybe I’d just become a cat lady, throwing all of my love into them. I pulled into my apartment complex and grabbed my purse and phone from the passenger seat. Shane had texted me back and I giggled.

  Shane: Tell her that means she’s Jackie.

  I got out of my car, still giggling about his text when someone grabbed me. “Don’t make a sound.” My heart stopped beating for a second, then kicked into overdrive. I don’t think I’d ever been so terrified in my life. I didn’t make a sound, just like I was instructed, but I nodded to let the person know I had heard him. “Give me your purse.”

  I pulled the strap off my shoulder as the attacker spun me around. He was wearing a ski mask with dark clothes. He grabbed the purse from me but didn’t let go. I tried to pull away but he held on tighter. What else did he want? I didn’t have anything else to give him.