Just a Little Crush (Crush #1)

by Renita Pizzitola

  I pulled my hand free and shoved his shoulder.

  He laughed and stood, reached out, grabbed both my hands and pulled me up. “So what should our story be?”

  I stared at him, taken back four years.

  “I—uh—” He ran his hand through his hair.

  Laughter burst from my lips. I dusted sand from my dress. “Wow, we’ve really come full circle, haven’t we?” I tugged his hand and started walking toward the beach house. “We can just tell everyone that my mom is sick. You offered to give me a ride.”

  With an overdramatized huff, he said, “Well, I guess if you want the easy answer.”

  “I just figured it was the most believable. Though the mind-blowing sex was a close second.”

  Ryder’s deep laugh sent warm trickles down my body. “You have no idea how glad I am the bottle landed on you that day.”

  The ocean breeze brushed over me. “In a weird way, I am too. I could have lived without the high school nickname, courtesy of that party, but I’m glad you were my first kiss.”

  We’d neared the bonfire. He pulled me to a stop. “Wait, you’d never kissed anyone?”

  “Wasn’t it obvious?”

  “No. Not at all. Man, how did you know what the hell you were doing? My first kiss involved bumping heads and I think someone might have gotten bit. And not in a good way.”

  I shrugged. “I had this little obsession with the Unity of Opposites theory. I applied it.”

  Ryder raised an eyebrow.

  “It’s like the theory of oneness. One thing’s existence is dependent upon the other. Like if there was no up, we wouldn’t have down. Basically, this balance unifies everything. So for every sensation, every move, every action, there is a counteraction to balance it. Inhalation. Exhalation. Push. Pull. Over. Under. In. Out.”

  “The perfect kiss.”

  “The perfect everything. You just need balance.”

  From the look in his eyes, Ryder wanted to kiss me, but I think we both knew the timing couldn’t be worse. The very opposition to my social life pulled me home.

  Laughter and chatter drifted from our friends.

  I sighed. “We should probably get going. I’ll fill Mason in. He can explain to everyone else.”

  “Yeah. I’ll let Chris know I’m leaving, then meet you upstairs to help with your bag.”

  We broke apart and I motioned Mason to follow me to the patio.

  “What’s up?” he asked. His eyes were glassy and lips red like they tended to get when he drank a lot.

  “My mom is in the hospital. She’s okay, but Grandma is still visiting my great-aunt Sarah. So I have to drive back tonight to be with Mom.”

  “Yeah, okay. We can—”

  “Ryder is driving me.”

  “Oh.”

  “He offered, and, anyway, you should stay and enjoy yourself. This is your spring break too. I don’t want to ruin it.”

  “I really wouldn’t mind.”

  “I know, and thank you. But you stay and have fun, okay? I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “Yeah. Okay.” He was hard to read due to his drinking. His reactions seemed off, so either he was too drunk to comprehend or was upset but didn’t want to argue about it.

  With a quick hug, I said goodbye and hurried upstairs.

  Chapter Eighteen

  We’d driven the three hours straight and arrived in town just after midnight. At the hospital, we discovered Mom had dropped a kitchen knife, cutting her leg, freaked when it wouldn’t stop bleeding, driven herself—drunk—to the hospital and, twelve stitches later, was fine.

  She and I drove in her car, while Ryder followed us in his. It was reminiscent of the first time he’d met her, but thanks to a few hours’ sleep and a bag of IV fluids, she’d managed to sober up a bit.

  “The knife slipped.” Her words cut through the silence in the car. “It wasn’t because I’d been drinking. My hands were wet from cooking. It just slipped.”

  “Okay.” We both knew the truth. I didn’t care to argue.

  “I’d only had a few glasses of wine,” she added.

  I exited the highway and entered Grandma’s subdivision.

  “It could happen to anyone.” Mom’s tone had changed. Her defensiveness morphed to anger.

  Internally, I cringed. Drunk, sober. It didn’t matter. She was looking for an argument.

  “College sure has brought out your snotty side.”

  “I didn’t say anything.” I heard the hurt in my own voice.

  “Exactly. You just sit there, judging me. Thinking you’re better. Perfect little princess. I sacrificed a lot for you. Remember that.”

  We pulled into the driveway and I fought back tears. “We’ve all made sacrifices.” I opened the door and hopped out.

  “What’s that supposed—”

  I shut the door as Ryder pulled in beside Mom’s car.

  Mom opened her door and rushed around to confront me. “What exactly have you sacrificed?” She crossed her arms and glared.

  Ryder paused by his car and stared at us.

  I couldn’t do this in front of him again, so instead I shook my head and brushed past Mom. I unlocked the front door and turned to her.

  “I want to know, Brinley.” She said my name as if each letter tasted more bitter than the one before. “What exactly have you sacrificed?”

  A life? A mother? Happiness? Security? Where did I begin? “Honestly, Mom, I truly hope you know the answer to that question, because I’d like to think it hasn’t all been in vain.”

  Her expression turned wounded but I didn’t cave. I offered no apologies, instead I motioned for Ryder to follow me and headed inside the house.

  By the time I made it to my room, the front door closed. A weight lifted from my shoulders. I didn’t feel like dragging her in from the street, but wasn’t sure how stubborn she planned to be tonight.

  “You okay?” Ryder asked.

  I nodded, though I wasn’t. I peeked into the hallway. Mom’s bedroom door was now closed. “You don’t have to stay here if you don’t want, but I need to stay the night just to be sure Mom’s okay. Grandma will be home tomorrow. I can leave then, knowing she’s on her way.”

  “If you don’t mind, I’ll stay with you.”

  “Of course I don’t. I’m going to grab my suitcase from the car.”

  “I’ll get them.”

  When Ryder stepped out, I slipped down the hall and pressed my ear to Mom’s door. Light snoring drifted from the other side. Relieved, I returned to my room.

  Ryder came back in with both our suitcases. He set them down and glanced at me. “You sure you’re okay? You don’t look okay.”

  “I’m just tired.”

  “Maybe you need to talk with your mom. Like a real talk. When she’s sober.”

  “I doubt it will help.”

  Ryder leaned against the dresser and crossed his ankles. “Hmm. Okay.”

  “What? Just say what you’re thinking. Be honest. I want your opinion.”

  “I think you need to be honest. Even if it’s brutal. She needs to know how you really feel. She needs to hear the truth. All the hurtful things she’s said. The things you’ve seen. She needs to understand how bad it’s gotten in order for her to get better.”

  “I don’t know. It seems harsh. And I’ll probably say the wrong things, like always.”

  “You say you’re protecting her from herself but at what cost?” He stepped toward me, reached for my hand and held it against his chest. “It’s time to be honest with her. And with yourself. You aren’t protecting her. You’re shielding her from the truth while leaving yourself exposed. Please don’t take this the wrong way but what you call protecting, I see as enabling.”

  I looked away.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

  My lip trembled and I clamped it with my teeth. I shook my head. “It’s fine. I asked for your opinion.” And the truth was I’d thought the same thing. But it really sucked hearing it from someone else
.

  “Brin, I’m sorry. I should have kept my opinion to myself. I overstepped.”

  “Stop apologizing,” I snapped. My shoulders sank. It wasn’t fair to take it out on him. “You’re right. It’s just hard to hear. I’m not mad about what you said, I’m mad at myself.”

  With a gentle tug, he pulled me to his chest. “Next time, feel free to tell me to shut up.”

  “I love your honesty. Always have.” And if I was honest with myself, I loved a whole lot more than his honesty.

  I collapsed onto my old twin bed and stared at him. “This bed isn’t very big. You can sleep here if you’d like and I can sleep in Grandma’s.”

  He stretched out on the bed and pulled me down. “Stay here with me.”

  I rolled onto my side and stared into his eyes. “Thanks for driving me home.”

  “Quit thanking me. I’d do anything for you. You know that, right?” He rubbed my cheek and smiled. “Get some rest and if you’re uncomfortable just give me a shove. At this point, I could sleep on the floor and wouldn’t care.”

  I laughed. “I don’t plan to push you off, but no promises. Sometimes I toss and turn a lot.”

  He kicked off his shoes then unbuttoned his cargo shorts. “Do you mind?”

  “I don’t expect you to sleep fully clothed.” I forced myself up and dug around in my suitcase for something to sleep in.

  We both changed then settled back into my old twin bed.

  “Sorry,” I said with a yawn. “This bed is seriously tiny.”

  “Gives me an excuse to grope you all night.”

  I laughed.

  “And if I wasn’t too exhausted to lift my hand, I would.”

  With a smile, I tucked myself into his chest and glanced up. “Too bad, because I’m way too exhausted to object.”

  “Damn.” He smiled back. Then ran his hand over my hair and kissed my forehead. “ ’Night.”

  “ ’Night.” I nestled into his chest as he wrapped his arm around me.

  Sleep settled over me, making everything leading up to this point feel like a dream. The phone call, the drive home, my mom. It didn’t seem real. But Ryder. Well, he was real. And the reality of what tomorrow might hold didn’t bother me, because in this moment I was happy. Bundled in his arms, nothing could touch me, and some part of me knew Ryder would never let anything hurt me again. Himself included.

  —

  The next morning, I woke before Ryder. He’d rolled onto his back but his arms remained around me. I’d shifted during the night and now lay with my leg draped over his, leaving us a tangle of arms and legs.

  I should have gotten up and checked on Mom. But this was preferable. This was perfection.

  Ryder’s fingers grazed up my arm then drifted back down.

  Goosebumps prickled my skin. Warmth from his chiseled stomach radiated into my palm. I fought the urge to push my hand under his shirt. My fingers twitched, tempted to seek out the ridges of his abdomen. I shifted my hand down, slipped it under his shirt and glided my nails over his abs.

  Ryder’s stomach tightened as he sucked in a breath. He held it as my hand drifted higher then exhaled slowly as I grazed my way back down. “Brinley?”

  “Yeah?” I glanced up.

  He stared into my eyes. “Are we good? I feel like this is too easy. Like I monumentally fucked up and there should be some sort of retribution. You can’t just forget everything. I hurt you. And if we ignore that, it will come back to haunt me. Like we slapped a Band-Aid over a problem, and I don’t want a quick fix. I want…permanent. Indestructible.”

  “I didn’t forget anything. I can’t, nor do I want to. You may not have told me everything you knew but your intent wasn’t malicious. You did what you thought best. I get that. I honestly don’t even feel like I need to forgive you because you have nothing to be sorry about. This isn’t a quick fix because nothing was truly broken.”

  He cupped my cheek. “I’ll never understand what I did to deserve you.” His mouth lowered to mine—and the moment our lips touched, my phone rang.

  I sighed, propped myself on my elbow, reached over his shoulder and plucked my phone off the nightstand.

  “Hi, Grandma.” I slid back down, resting on his chest.

  “Brinley. I didn’t expect you to answer. I was just going to leave you a message. My flight time was pushed back a few hours. What are you doing up so early during your vacation? Or have you not been to bed yet?” she teased. Nobody who really knew me would think I was capable of pulling an all-nighter. I liked sleep way too much.

  I didn’t want to stress Grandma out, so leading with the news that Mom was fine, I told Grandma everything that had happened the night before. By the time I hung up, Ryder had dressed and was sitting on my bed, waiting for me to finish.

  “She will be home later this afternoon,” I told him. “Let me get dressed, check on Mom and then we can leave. Did you want to drive back to the beach?”

  Ryder studied me, a slow smile spreading over his face. “The beach would be fun and all but…you’re staying upstairs. I’m staying down. I think this is one of those times we need to unify those opposites.”

  “Oh.”

  “I know your dorms are closed for break, but mine’s open and Noah is out of town until Saturday. So would you stay with me for the week?”

  His suggestion was thrilling but a bit panic-inducing too. “A week?”

  He smiled and nodded. “Me and you.”

  A perfect balance. I nodded and grinned back. “Okay.”

  After getting dressed, I knocked on Mom’s bedroom door.

  “Come in,” she said.

  She sat upright in her bed, staring out the window. A shell of the woman I remembered from childhood. Her blond hair hung around her shoulders in dull chunks. Freckles sprinkled her nose, giving her a youthfulness that the dullness of her blue eyes aggressively countered. When had things gotten this bad?

  She turned to me as I entered.

  “How’s your leg?” I asked.

  “It’ll heal, I suppose, but it hurts.” She smoothed the blanket around her waist and stared back out the window.

  “Oh. I’m sorry.”

  Her laugh held no humor. “For what?”

  I sighed. “Honestly, I don’t know. I feel like I have something to apologize for, but when it comes down to it, this is all you. And it’s time you recognized that. I get that you’re angry at me for things I said last night, but I was being honest. I didn’t ask for any of this. I don’t wish this upon you. Nor did I ask to be born, but here I am. Your daughter. The person you gave life to. But not the person you tried to create, because if I’d become her…well, I wouldn’t be me. You’ve acted as my friend. You’ve acted as my enemy. But it’s time for you to be my mother. If you don’t want that job, I understand and I’m no longer waiting for you to come around.”

  Mom finally faced me. Her eyes were glassy and red.

  And though I didn’t like to see her in pain, it didn’t stop me from speaking the truth. “I love you. Always will, but I’m done hurting. I’ve literally picked you up when you fell down, but where have you been? Where were you when I was hurting? When the man who you let into our home crossed the boundaries of trust? When he cornered me, said things a fifteen-year-old girl never should have heard. Tried to touch me.” I shook my head and my throat tightened. “You never came to my defense. Instead you’ve called me a whore and blamed every mistake in your life on me. Maybe it’s time for you to look around because, in reality, your life might be one big mistake but don’t ever think I am. I am not a mistake. I am a person. I am your daughter. And when you are clean and sober, I will be here for you. But if you choose to continue your life in the way you’ve been living it, then count me out. I refuse to ruin the rest of my life by being nothing more than your mistake.” I spun to the door and glanced back one last time. “Don’t ever doubt that I love you. Because I do, Mom. I really do. But right now, I need to love myself more.”

  I opene
d the door and slipped out.

  “Brinley,” Mom said just before it closed.

  I held it cracked open.

  “I love you too.”

  My lip trembled as I nodded.

  I rushed down the hall to the bathroom. With my hands resting on the sink, I leaned forward and took several even breaths.

  Arms slipped around my waist and I jerked my head up.

  “Ryder.” The overhead light reflected in the glassy sheen of my eyes as I looked at him in the mirror.

  He turned me to face him. “Did you talk to your mom?”

  I stared into his green eyes. “I don’t know why I’ve kept that bottled up so long. It was liberating. I always imagined it would hurt me as much as it hurt her, but it didn’t. I was honest and…well, it felt amazing.”

  He smiled. “You’re amazing.” His gaze flicked down to my lips then came back to my eyes. “And I guess, it’s my turn.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I told you to be honest, stop enabling, yet what am I doing? What is keeping this secret from my mom doing? It’s not protecting her. It’s protecting him.” He pulled me against his chest and rested his chin on my head. “I’m going to follow my own advice. I’m going to tell Mom everything.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  I paced the length of Ryder’s room waiting for him to come back. He and Paige met with their mom for a late lunch, where they’d planned to tell her everything. It was almost dinnertime now and I hadn’t heard from him.

  I checked my phone again. No missed calls. No texts. Nothing. I sank onto the bed, hoping it had gone all right. The last thing I wanted was some sort of family disagreement to alienate Ryder from me again.

  I pulled out my laptop and busied myself checking email. I even waded through my junk mail. Anything to serve as a distraction.

  My phone chimed. I yanked it up and read the screen.

  Fallon: Guess who is the newest Child Life Intern at Memorial Hospital?

  Me: You got the internship!

  I’d never pictured her to be a kid person, but the more I got to know her, the more I realized how little I truly knew about her.