The Memory of All That

by Gibson, Nancy Smith

  “He was dressed like a businessman, in a suit and tie, but he was . . . oily looking. Slick. Not to be trusted. Smarmy!” She placed her packages in the trunk. As she started toward the front of the car, she heard David snicker. When she looked at him, she saw he was grinning. “It’s not funny.”

  “In a way it is. You meet someone you knew, maybe intimately, and you don’t even recognize him. I’ll bet that was a blow to his ego.” He closed the trunk. “What did you do?”

  “I told him to leave me alone, and I threw my lunch away and left.”

  “Good for you!” David said. Then he leaned over and kissed her lightly on the lips.

  Marnie’s heart fluttered. It took a lot of self-discipline to keep from deepening the kiss. It was short. Much too short.

  David treated Jonathan to hamburgers and fries, a treat reserved for weekends out, as Ruth forbade fast food in her house. They also had sodas, another special treat. “What should we do this afternoon?” David asked when they had finished eating.

  “How ‘bout min-min-er golf?” Jonathan asked.

  “I think miniature golf is still closed for the winter. That will be good to do when it gets warmer. Would you like to see what’s playing at the movie theaters?”

  Jonathan excitedly agreed. There were several choices of children’s movies, and it was hard for Jonathan to settle on one, but he finally did.

  Every step of the way, every minute of the afternoon, Marnie relived the kiss. It was only a peck, she kept telling herself. It didn’t mean anything. He doesn’t love me anymore, if he ever did. I’ve messed my marriage up too much to ever salvage it. Despite her attempt to convince herself it was nothing, she couldn’t stop thinking about his lips on hers and the thrill that had run through her—was still running through her.

  How can I forget when he keeps touching me? she thought. It seemed like he had started putting his hand on her back every time they were close. It was driving her crazy. She didn’t dare make eye contact, certain she would appear love-struck if she did. Thank heavens Jonathan is sitting between us, she thought as they watched the movie. We would have to share an armrest if we sat next to each other.

  Marnie spent so much time thinking about David she didn’t realize the movie had ended. When they left the theater, the sun was low on the western horizon.

  “Time to go home,” David said. “Or would you rather eat supper somewhere?” he asked Marnie.

  “We’d better go on home. We have a sleepy boy on our hands,” she replied as they reached the car.

  “I’m not sleepy,” Jonathan said, as he yawned.

  On the way home, Marnie tried to keep Jonathan awake by talking about the movie. She didn’t want to admit that it also kept her from having to keep up a conversation with David. A few minutes later they pulled into the garage at home.

  “Why don’t you take Jonathan upstairs to put his new clothes and toys away while I see what there is for supper,” she said to David. “And be sure he washes his hands and face before he comes back down.”

  Marnie found leftover chicken from the night before, along with a bowl of potato salad and gelatin with fruit. She put it all on the breakfast bar and was putting the finishing touches on the place settings when David and Jonathan arrived.

  Supper was a silent affair. While Marnie and David ate, Jonathan struggled to stay awake.

  “I think that’s enough. His face will be in his plate any second now,” Marnie said.

  David lifted Jonathan from the bar stool, and he was asleep by the time his head reached his father’s shoulder. Marnie trailed them upstairs and helped David get the sleeping boy out of his clothes and into pajamas.

  Together they returned to the kitchen, put the remaining food away, and loaded the dishwasher. Few words were spoken between them as they tended to their duties. With the last crumb wiped away, Marnie hung the cloth over the sink divider and stared out the window. She felt so awkward she didn’t know what to do next. Her attraction to David was powerful, yet she knew he didn’t feel the same thing toward her. She had ruined their relationship with her infidelity and disloyalty. The kiss meant nothing to him, she was sure—nothing at all.

  “This day has worn me out just like it did Jonathan,” she said. “I think I’ll go up and take a hot bath and get to bed early. Maybe read for a while.” Now she wouldn’t have to sit around and make awkward conversation.

  “That’s a good idea. I think I’ll do the same.” Together they went up the massive staircase.

  “I’ll just check on Jonathan to see he’s sleeping OK,” she told him.

  “I’ll go with you. I like to check on him last thing every night.”

  Together, they watched their sleeping boy. Marnie leaned over and kissed his forehead. When she straightened up, David was just inches away. He put his arms around her and pressed his lips to hers.

  When he finally released her, Marnie was reeling, but David set her away and took a step back. He looked as stunned as she felt.

  “Good night,” he said, as he hurried from the room.

  Chapter 29

  Marnie tried to relax by taking the hot bath she had mentioned to David. Drawing a tub of soothing water liberally laced with bubble bath, she lit the candles that sat on the rim and placed the poufy bath pillow at one end. The relaxing water and atmosphere should have calmed her, but it didn’t.

  Bubbles tickled her chin as she sank deeper into the water. What is going on in his mind? The first kiss was only a throwaway for him, I’m sure of it. It meant nothing to him, even if it did shake me to my toes. But the second one! That one was mind-bending, muscle-melting, can’t stand up, stupendous! And then he just walked away. What’s with that?

  She had been told she did not love her husband. She had used pregnancy to trap him into marriage because she wanted his money. She didn’t love him. Her repeated infidelity proved that. She and her lover schemed to get more money out of David via a son she planned to use for ransom.

  But all of this didn’t line up with the way she felt. She didn’t understand why she wouldn’t be in love with David. He was kind; a loving father; generous, even with his wayward wife; handsome; and a great kisser. There most certainly was passion between them, as this day had proven.

  The stories she had been told were from other people’s viewpoints. What Marnie didn’t know was her side of the story. There was bound to be a lot they weren’t telling her. I know I wouldn’t marry just for money, she reasoned. There had to be more to it than that. And maybe I didn’t cheat on him. Maybe that was just the idle gossip of people who were jealous because I married the boss. Maybe Ruth perpetuated those stories, spread them among her friends, and told them to David. Maybe she encouraged him to believe them because she thought my mother had an affair with her husband. Ruth wants Celeste as a daughter-in-law instead of me, and she’ll say anything to make that happen.

  I’ve been beating myself up because I thought all those things about me were true, but maybe they aren’t. Maybe they’re stories that have gotten twisted every which way and blown out of proportion.

  The water cooled, so Marnie got out of the tub and dried herself. Wrapping the oversized towel around her, she rummaged through a drawer for something to wear for the night. Ordinarily, she put on a pair of pajamas like the ones Alice had dressed her in when she stumbled home that first night, weak and sick. She hoped, though, that her husband’s kiss might be a prelude to more, and she might have a visitor.

  She donned a silky pink gown, sheer and willowy, and misted herself lightly with lily-of-the-valley scent. All preparations completed, she went to bed. Alone. And tossed. And turned. Hours went by. Sleep did not come. Neither did David. Anger did, however.

  What did he think he was doing, kissing me like that and then leaving? He’s a tease! He’s my husband, for heaven’s sake! He
knows he can come to my bed, and that kiss was proof he was thinking about it, at least. So where is he? How can he treat me like this? Was it some sort of repayment for the way he thinks I treated him?

  She fell asleep for only a few minutes before she was awake again, agonizing over the situation. Finally, she threw the covers back and got out of bed. Determined to not give in to the desire for her husband, she had to find something to do. She didn’t want to wander around the big house in the middle of the night, so she entered her closet dressing room and put on a warm robe.

  “I might as well get to this now,” she said, as she started through the clothes on the rack.

  A pile of discarded clothes grew on the floor. Out went the mini-skirts. Out went the shirt with “bitch” written across the front, along with all the tees she judged to be a size too small. Dresses that were as short as the mini-skirts topped the stack. Dresses and blouses with a plunging neckline started a new pile. A few things were added to the growing stack that were acceptable in style and size, but Marnie was puzzled as to why she would ever buy the particular color.

  The last rack held the evening dresses. “Surely I didn’t attend this many parties,” she muttered as she discarded dress after dress she judged suitable for a teenaged exhibitionist, “and if I did, why in the world would I wear something like this? No wonder men came sniffing around. It’s like these clothes say, ‘I’m a tramp, come get me’,” she said, dejectedly. “No wonder people formed a bad opinion of me when I dressed this way.”

  It was four o’clock in the morning before she was tired enough for bed. The shoes and items in the drawers could wait for another time. She drifted off to sleep quickly, again thinking she must have earned the reputation people thought of her.

  It was after 10:00 a.m. before she woke up. She dressed in jeans and a sweater and headed to the kitchen, looking in at the empty playroom on the way. David had already fetched Jonathan and fed him breakfast. If I were a good mother, I would have been up earlier and checked in on him already. It was another thing she let herself feel guilty about.

  She fixed herself a bowl of cereal and milk. After she ate, she rinsed the bowl and put it in the dishwasher. She might as well get it over with—facing David had to be done. She found David and Jonathan in the TV room. Jonathan was working his new puzzle on the table in front of the window, and David was on the sofa reading the newspaper.

  “Good morning,” she said. Jonathan rushed to her and hugged her knees, his usual form of greeting.

  “Good morning,” David said. “I was beginning to wonder if you were going to spend the day in your room.”

  “No. I had trouble sleeping, so when I finally fell asleep I overslept.”

  He gave her a piercing look but said nothing about her sleep habits.

  “It’s raining today, so we thought we’d stay in,” he remarked.

  “I’m working the puzzle you gave me,” Jonathan said. “Come see.”

  He pulled her toward his project, where she admired his puzzle-working skills. She vacillated between sitting down with Jonathan and joining David, when he asked, “Want part of the paper?”

  “Sure.” She took the sections he held out to her and sat down on the other end of the sofa.

  It had never occurred to her that reading the local paper might be an excellent way to jog her memory about the town and the people in it, so she studied each article and picture, but none of it seemed familiar. Soon, she stopped trying to find anything that sparked recall and started reading articles that interested her.

  “Next month there is going to be a big exhibition of paintings and blown glass at the Center for the Arts,” she remarked. “Could you show me how to get there?” she asked.

  “You’re looking at the Centerview newspaper,” he answered, “not the local paper. Does the exhibition interest you?” David looked at her quizzically.

  “Yes, it does. Shouldn’t it?”

  “I just never heard you express an interest in the arts before.” His paper lay unread for a few moments. “We’ll try to go, if you want to. It’s only about an hour from here. Remind me next month.” He went back to reading.

  He must expect I’ll still be around in a month, she thought. At least he’s not going to throw me out before then.

  When she came to the book review section, she folded it so that a book that sounded like a good read was visible and placed the paper on the table at her end of the couch. David got up and started to gather the papers scattered about the couch and floor.

  “Are you through reading all this?” he asked.

  “Yes, but don’t throw away this one,” she said, indicating the article on the table.

  “What’s that?”

  “It’s a book review. I plan to go to the library this week and get a card. I thought I’d see if they have it—maybe check it out when I get Jonathan some books.”

  Again, David gave her an odd look. She assumed she hadn’t made a point about liking to read before now. Maybe he hasn’t been paying attention to what I’m really like. Maybe he’s been so angry about being ‘trapped’ into marriage he’s ignored the real Marnie. Well, too bad. It’s time for him to face up to the woman he married.

  “It’s time for lunch, Sport,” he said to Jonathan. “I’m going to the kitchen to fix us some sandwiches. You go wash up.” He turned to Marnie. “Come to the kitchen with me. I need to talk to you.”

  She followed him into the kitchen, both dreading and wondering what he had to say.

  “I want to apologize for last night,” he said, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms. “I should never have kissed you.”

  Marnie closed her eyes. So he doesn’t want me. The kiss means nothing if he regrets doing it.

  “We both know this marriage isn’t working,” he said.

  I know nothing of the sort. That’s just what you’ve told me, she thought, but she couldn’t bring herself to voice it aloud.

  “So, I have no business kissing you like that. I’ve already admitted you have a strong sexual pull, but I have no intention of letting you sucker me back into the situation we were in before.” He straightened, turned toward the cabinet, and started removing plates. “Our marriage is over. I’m not going to end up in bed with you again.”

  Chapter 30

  Marnie’s life quickly developed a pattern. Each day, she arose, dressed, and joined Jonathan and Mrs. Tucker for breakfast in the kitchen. Afterwards, she spent time with her son, playing a game or working a puzzle. She read and reread the half-dozen books he possessed.

  By Thursday the rain that had plagued the earlier part of the week had disappeared, and the day was sunny and warm. She went to the library and signed up for a card so she could check out books. Filling out her name, address, and phone number, plus the name of a relative who lived in the same town, seemed odd to her. Of course she put David’s name, but she wasn’t sure he would vouch for her if called. The form asked for a non-relative reference also, but she didn’t have one. She thought about putting Alice’s name down, but she didn’t know Alice’s last name, much less her address and phone number. When she returned the form to the desk, she told the woman she couldn’t think of anyone to put down for a reference. When the woman read the application, she smiled at Marnie and said, “Oh, that’s all right, Mrs. Barrett. Everyone knows where to find you.”

  Marnie browsed through the children’s section and picked out half a dozen books she thought Jonathan might like. She chose one about dinosaurs, a picture book about big trucks, and several books with stories that sounded interesting.

  Going to the section marked “new arrivals,” she found the book that had been reviewed in Sunday’s newspaper and added it to her pile. She then searched the card file on the computer for a book about amnesia. She scanned the shelves and picked one that seemed simple enoug
h to understand.

  Jonathan was thrilled with the books and fascinated by the idea there was a place where one could borrow books. Marnie explained that they could keep them for two weeks but then she would have to take them back to the library.

  “I can get more books when I take these back,” she explained to him. “And if you get tired of these, I can return them early and borrow others.”

  Reading became a more enjoyable part of their daily routine. After lunch most afternoons, Marnie settled on the couch in the TV room and read to Jonathan, who snuggled close to her and looked at the pictures as she read. They had discussions about dinosaurs, earthmoving equipment, and the plots in the books she had chosen for him.

  In the late afternoon, Jonathan returned to Mrs. Tucker’s care, and Marnie retreated to her bedroom to dress for supper with David. She changed from jeans into a skirt or dress. Since ridding the racks of clothing she considered to be unacceptable, she didn’t have many options, but she didn’t mind wearing the few things over and over. She liked the pink knit dress and the swirly blue and green skirt. Lately, she had started wearing trousers and a silk blouse with a scarf or necklaces as accessories. She was able to put together several outfits with the separates she kept.

  After showering and dressing, she took a few minutes to read the novel or study what the book on amnesia had to say. She wasn’t learning anything new, since it said the same thing Doctor Means had told her. Namely, amnesia could be caused by a lot of things, most commonly trauma, either physical or emotional, and the memory usually returned at some point.