Science Fair

by Dave Barry, Ridley Pearson

  “What now?” Toby whispered angrily. “I gave you your stupid doll.”

  “I’m going to need more,” said Vaderian.

  “I can’t,” whispered Toby. “You’ve got enough. You’re not even paying for that! Just…leave me alone. Please.”

  “I see,” said Vaderian. “So you prefer that I tell your father who’s been raiding his collection?”

  Toby hung his head. “No,” he whispered.

  “Good,” said Vaderian. “I’ll be in touch.” He made a point of breathing heavily through the electronic device, like Darth Vader, before lowering the window. And then he was gone.

  With a groan, Toby flopped onto his back. Somehow, he had to get rid of this maniac and convince The Hornet he was telling the truth about the kids’ science-fair cheating…not to mention the involvement of classified technology. Toby stared up at the darkness, begging his overworked, overworried brain to produce an answer, or at least an idea.…

  In the living room, Mr. and Mrs. Harbinger were discussing their son’s odd behavior.

  “It was the strangest thing,” Fawn was saying. “He said everything twice, and he spoke…oddly.”

  “How so?” said Roger.

  “Like he was distracted,” said Fawn. “Worried about something.”

  “It’s this suspension,” said Roger. “You know how kids are at that age. They think everything’s a huge crisis.”

  “True,” said Fawn, smiling at the cluelessness of the young. “He’ll feel better after some sleep.” She yawned. “I could use some sleep myself. I’m going to bed.”

  “Me, too,” said Roger. He rose and went to the window and started to close the blinds, then suddenly stopped, pressing his face to the window.

  “What is it?” said Fawn, coming over.

  “Just for a second there, I thought I saw something,” said Roger.

  “Saw what?” said Fawn.

  “It’s nothing,” said Roger, peering out. “It’s just shadows. But for just a second, out there past the streetlight, I thought I saw…this is so ridiculous…”

  “Saw what?” Fawn repeated.

  Roger looked sheepish. “Darth Vader,” he said.

  Fawn laughed out loud.

  “You do need sleep,” she said.

  THE PHONE JANGLED. Vrsk jerked awake. In the other bed, Drmtsi groaned.

  The TV was still on, tuned to the shopping channel. Vrsk and Drmtsi had finally fallen asleep around four a.m., but not before using their new credit cards to purchase a variety of items to go with their two cappuccino machines, including jewelry, clothing, shoes (men’s and ladies’), exercise equipment, a set of ovenware, an Air Hockey table, and an eight-foot inflatable gorilla pool toy.

  The phone jangled again. Vrsk fumbled for the handset.

  “Hello?” he said, in English.

  “It is Prmkt,” said Prmkt, in Krpsht.

  Vrsk, switching to Krpsht, turned to Drmtsi and said, “It is Prmkt.”

  Drmtsi groaned again.

  “Men are watching you,” said Prmkt.

  “What men?” said Vrsk.

  “I don’t know yet,” said Prmkt.

  Vrsk turned to Drmtsi and said, “Men are watching us.”

  Drmtsi opened one bloodshot eye.

  “What men?” he said.

  “He doesn’t know yet,” said Vrsk.

  Drmtsi rubbed his face. His head hurt.

  “I will find out who these men are,” said Prmkt. “I will call later.”

  Before Vrsk could relay this, Drmtsi said, “Tell him to find out who these men are and call later.”

  Vrsk, speaking into the phone, said, “Drmtsi says find out who these men are and call later.”

  “I just said that,” said Prmkt.

  “Exactly,” said Vrsk.

  The line went dead. Vrsk hung up the phone. On the TV screen, a perky woman was selling a kitchen appliance that could toast bagels and play DVDs. The price had just dropped twenty dollars, to $179.99. Despite their exhaustion, both Vrsk and Drmtsi sat up to watch. This could be big.

  TOBY GOT A BREAK the next morning: both his parents left home to attend an all-day seminar on curing baldness with zucchini oil. That meant Toby didn’t have to think up a new way to sneak out of the house.

  The trick was getting into school. He’d agreed to meet Tamara and Micah at The Hornet’s office at 8:20, just before the homeroom bell. But Toby was still suspended. He was afraid one of the teachers might spot him and kick him out before he could get to The Hornet and help his friends convince her—they had to convince her—about the science-fair cheating plot. As he left his room, he grabbed one of his baseball caps and pulled the brim low to cover his face, hoping this would be enough of a disguise.

  On the way to Hubble Middle he kept a wary eye out for the maniac Vaderian and his hairy sidekick; to his relief, he saw neither. He entered the school at 8:19, the hallways quickly emptying as students headed for their homerooms. Keeping his head down, Toby hurried toward the main office. Nobody stopped him. He reached the office just as the bell rang. Ducking inside, he was relieved to see Tamara and Micah in the outer room, sitting on the bench, not looking thrilled to be there.

  “Does The Hornet know we’re here?” Toby asked.

  “Mrs. Breetle just went in to tell her,” said Tamara.

  “We still have time to escape,” said Micah.

  “Micah, we have to do this,” said Toby.

  “Remind me exactly why we have to do this,” said Micah.

  “Because of what Sternabite said,” Toby explained, “about the projects being dangerous.”

  “But that’s just his opinion,” said Micah.

  “But he’s really smart about science,” said Toby.

  “Right,” said Micah. “He’s also a lunatic with a robot attack owl.”

  Toby was trying to think of a good comeback for that when The Hornet’s office door opened and Mrs. Breetle came out, holding an armful of papers.

  “Principal Plotz-Gornett will see you now,” she said. “But she only has a minute.” Mrs. Breetle bustled off toward the copy machine.

  Prodded by Toby, Micah and Tamara shuffled into The Hornet’s office. Toby stopped just outside the doorway, fearing that if he went in, The Hornet would immediately banish him. His plan was to eavesdrop and then step forward when he was needed.

  Micah and Tamara continued into the office. The Hornet was sitting behind her desk, looking even more irritated than usual.

  “What is this matter that’s so important?” she said.

  Micah and Tamara looked at each other, both too nervous to speak. Finally Micah cleared his throat and said, “We, um, found out something that we, ah, found out about. So we, ah, came here.” He stopped there, his brain apparently frozen by The Hornet’s gaze.

  “I see,” said The Hornet.

  “Good,” said Micah.

  “That was sarcasm,” said The Hornet. “In fact, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Oh,” said Micah.

  “The science fair,” blurted Tamara. “We saw them cheating.”

  The Hornet turned her gaze on Tamara, who now felt her own brain freezing. Finally, The Hornet said, “Whom?”

  “Whom what?” said Tamara.

  The Hornet sighed. “Whom,” she said, “did you see cheating?”

  “The ME kids,” said Tamara. “Jason Niles, Haley Hess, Harmonee Prescott, and The Fer…I mean Farrel Plinkett.”

  The Hornet’s eyes narrowed.

  “And how, exactly, were they cheating?” said The Hornet.

  “They’re hiring the guy at the Science Nook to make their projects,” she said. “They’re paying him. They’re not working on them themselves.”

  The Hornet’s eyes narrowed even more.

  “Did Toby Harbinger tell you to say this?” she asked.

  “Yes,” said Tamara. “I mean, no. I mean, he told us to tell you, but we were there. We saw them. And we heard the Science Nook guy say the p
rojects were dangerous.”

  “Very dangerous,” said Micah.

  “So you were in the Science Nook when this happened?” said The Hornet.

  “Yes,” said Tamara. “I mean, no. Not exactly.”

  “Excuse me?” said The Hornet.

  “I mean,” said Tamara, “we were in the food court.”

  “You were in the food court,” said The Hornet.

  “Right,” said Tamara. “But we saw them.”

  “Through the Cantaloupe Cam,” added Micah.

  “You saw them,” The Hornet said slowly, “through a cantaloupe?”

  “Through a camera in a cantaloupe,” said Tamara. “Yes.”

  “We didn’t have an eggplant,” added Micah.

  “I beg your pardon?” said The Hornet.

  Before Tamara or Micah could answer, Toby, realizing that things were not going well, took a deep breath and stepped through the door. The Hornet fixed him with a stare that could stop a rhino.

  “What are you doing here?” she said.

  “Please listen,” he said. “This is my fault. I asked them to come here because I didn’t think you’d believe me. But they saw it. They saw the ME kids talking to the Science Nook guy about their projects. He got all freaked out, because he said they were using classified technology and that it could be dangerous.”

  The Hornet’s office was utterly quiet for five long, scary seconds. Then The Hornet said, “Mr. Harbinger?”

  “Yes,” said Toby.

  “First,” said The Hornet, “you will remove that disgusting hat.”

  Toby snatched the hat off his head and realized, with horror, that it was the one that said BITE ME.

  “Ohmigod, I’m sorry,” he said. “I—”

  “Be quiet,” said The Hornet. “I am deeply disappointed in you, Mr. Harbinger. Deeply. It was bad enough that you accused your fellow students of cheating, when it appears that you are the one who is cheating.”

  “But—”

  “I said be quiet. But then you compound your transgression by getting your friends to back up your accusations, thus not only causing them to embarrass themselves with this pathetic story about cantaloupes and eggplants, but also exposing them to serious disciplinary action.”

  Micah and Tamara looked at Toby. Toby looked away.

  “I didn’t mean to—” he began.

  The Hornet cut him off. “Whatever you meant to do,” she said, “you have managed to make a bad situation far worse for yourself and your friends.”

  Toby started to speak, but The Hornet held up her hand. “Before you say any more,” she said, “I’m going to bring Mr. Neckstrom here, since he is in charge of the science fair that you seem so determined to sabotage.” She pressed the intercom button on her phone and said, “Mrs. Breetle, please tell Mr. Neckstrom I want to see him in my office immediately. I also want Jason Niles, Haley Hess, Harmonee Prescott, and Farrel Plinkett to report to the outer office and wait there until I call them in.”

  Two uncomfortable minutes later, there was a tap on the door and Mr. Neckstrom entered The Hornet’s office, closing the door behind him. Catching sight of Toby, he glared and said, “I thought he was suspended.”

  “He is,” said The Hornet. “He has returned to the school, without permission, to bring new accusations concerning the science fair. He and his friends now claim that not only are some of the children purchasing their projects from this mall store, but that these projects may involve classified technology and could be dangerous.”

  Mr. Neckstrom’s face was now exactly the same shade of red as a baboon’s behind.

  It took him a moment to control his anger enough so that he could speak.

  “That’s ridiculous,” he spat.

  “I agree,” said The Hornet. “But since he is now raising the issue of safety, I am obligated, as principal of this school, to inform you of it and ask if you have any reason to believe there is any truth to it.”

  “Absolutely not,” said Mr. Neckstrom, glaring at Toby. “He’s still trying to save his own skin, and he doesn’t care who he hurts.”

  The Hornet nodded. She pressed her intercom button. “Mrs. Breetle,” she said, “please come here and bring your notebook.”

  The office door opened. Mrs. Breetle stood in the doorway, notebook in hand. Behind her, Toby saw the ME kids sitting on the bench. He also saw Mr. P by the copy machine, apparently making copies. For an instant their eyes met. Mr. P looked away.

  “Mrs. Breetle,” said The Hornet, raising her voice. “Please take this down and prepare it for my signature and inclusion in the files. I want to note for the record that today these three students—Toby Harbinger, Tamara Reilley, and Micah Porter—came to me with new allegations regarding their fellow students and the safety of the science fair. I have discussed this matter with Mr. Neckstrom, and our preliminary finding is that these allegations are unfounded. However, because of the safety issue, I am instructing Mr. Neckstrom to investigate this matter further, as I intend to do myself.”

  The Hornet paused for a few moments while Mrs. Breetle scribbled furiously to catch up.

  “Also,” The Hornet went on, “as of now, I am placing all three of these students on indefinite disciplinary suspension from Hubble Middle School.”

  Tamara and Micah gasped.

  “But they didn’t do anything!” said Toby. “I’m the one who—”

  “Be quiet, Mr. Harbinger,” snapped The Hornet. “They did indeed do something. They listened to you. Perhaps in the future they will think twice before they make that mistake.”

  Toby hung his head.

  The Hornet resumed dictating to Mrs. Breetle: “During this suspension,” she continued, “these students are banned from attending school and from participating in any school activities.”

  “In…including the science fair?” said Micah.

  “Especially including the science fair,” said The Hornet.

  “But I need to go into the gym!” said Micah. “Tamara and I already set up our projects, and Fester’s going to be hungry.”

  “Fester?” said The Hornet.

  “My frog,” said Micah. “He’s in my project. It’s about…”

  “Mr. Porter,” interrupted The Hornet, in a voice that sounded the way a cold shower feels.

  “Yes?” said Micah.

  “Be quiet,” said The Hornet.

  “Okay,” said Micah, “but Fester…”

  “I said be quiet,” said The Hornet. “You will not go to the gymnasium. The three of you will wait in the outer office while Mrs. Breetle contacts your parents to come pick you up.”

  All three children looked stricken. Their parents.

  “That’s all,” said The Hornet, dismissing them. “Mrs. Breetle, send in the four students waiting outside. Mr. Neckstrom, please remain here while I question them.”

  As he turned to leave The Hornet’s office, Toby felt his stomach churning. This had gone horribly, horribly wrong. The room seemed to be swirling around him as he stumbled blindly through the doorway, almost knocking over a bucket being used by Janitor Dude to mop the outer-office floor. A wave of filthy water sloshed against his legs, drenching his pants and shoes. The ME kids roared with laughter. They were still snickering as they filed past Toby, Tamara, and Micah. They didn’t seem a bit worried about facing The Hornet and Mr. Neckstrom. As he passed, Jason Niles deliberately stepped hard on Toby’s right foot.

  Wet and hurting, Toby stumbled to the bench and sat down on the end. He noticed that Tamara and Micah sat on the other end.

  “I’m sorry,” Toby said, his voice hoarse. “I didn’t think…I never thought…”

  “No,” said Tamara, “you didn’t.”

  Toby wanted to say something more, but he didn’t know what, and Micah and Tamara obviously didn’t want to hear it anyway. Toby looked around the office. Mr. P was taking some papers from the copier. His eyes met Toby’s again for a moment, then he left. At her desk, Mrs. Breetle was on the phone. She appa
rently had just gotten through to Tamara’s mother.

  “Yes, Mrs. Reilley,” she was saying, “suspended.”

  Tamara’s shoulders shook; she was weeping.

  Toby leaned over and put his face into his hands, hoping his own tears would not leak through.

  TOBY WAS IN HIS ROOM, instant messaging Micah, who was in his room, since both of them, along with Tamara, had been grounded for all eternity, if not longer.

  Toby was in the midst of yet another apology for causing the suspensions when he heard the doorbell ring. He froze, fearing that Darth and the Wookiee were back. He listened intently, his fingers hovering over his laptop keyboard. He heard the front door open, then close, followed by footsteps heading for the kitchen. Toby relaxed; it was his mom returning from errands. A minute later he heard the angry whine of the blender. His mom was experimenting with a brussels-sprout-yogurt-protein facial cream.

  Turning back to the keyboard, he typed:

  my rents r 4 real ths tme

  mine 2, answered Micah.

  im srry

  u shud b

  The door to Toby’s bedroom opened behind him. Toby started to turn, annoyed that there’d been no knock.

  “Mom,” he said, “I thought we agreed that…”

  He cut himself off as he spun around. The door stood ajar, but his mother wasn’t there.

  Brb, he typed. He got up and peered into the hallway—nobody. He could hear his mom in the kitchen. Frowning, he closed the door and turned around.

  Sternabite was sitting in his chair.

  Toby screamed. He didn’t mean to; it came out before he could stop himself.

  “Calm down,” said Sternabite calmly.

  There were quick footsteps in the hall, then pounding on the door. For once, Toby’s mom was observing the knock-first agreement.

  “Toby?” she said. “Are you okay?”

  Toby glanced at Sternabite, then the door. What to do? He looked back at Sternabite.