Everything I Want

by Natalie Barnes

  We pass through the neon streets of LA and pull up out front of the hospital. I don’t wait for the car to stop. I quickly jump out and start running into the building.

  “Sophia! Sophia, wait!” I hear Tristan yell after me, but I don’t stop.

  Running through the glass doors, I run up to the reception desk. Out of breath and tears all over my face with my mascara running down my cheeks I ask. “Cory. Cory Thompson.” The nurse types on her computer and directs me to which floor. Tristan and Caleb are by my side now, but only for a moment. Once I found out where my friend was, I go running again. Not waiting for anyone or anything. I start pressing the button to the elevator. When it doesn’t arrive yet, I begin to hit it. Tristan reaches down and grabs my hand and pulls me into his chest. “Shh . . . Don’t cause a scene. You don’t want to get arrested or some stupid shit. They’ll report on you out here. Just wait, my girl.” I’m breathing hard. As if I just ran ten miles. The doors open and I push myself out of Tristan’s hold. I can’t focus on him right now. The only thing on my mind is Cory.

  Chapter Thirty-one

  We arrive on the floor that Cory’s on. Intensive care unit. Oh my god, my heart is breaking. I round the corner and see my guys and Lux waiting out in the hall. I run up to Matt who is crying and his usually perfect hair and clothes are a mess. I fall on him and let go again.

  “Where is he?” I look up into Matt’s bloodshot eyes and I hear Roger choke out behind me.

  “He’s in room 310. We can’t go in there right now. The doctors are

  evaluating him.”

  Lux walks over to me and places his hand on my shoulder. He

  doesn’t say anything though but lets me cry while I hold on to Matt. Twenty long minutes later the doctor comes out. He’s an older man

  that’s balding on the top of his head. The look on his face makes my

  knees to start weaken. He looks over all of us and back to Lux. He looks

  down at the white tile floors and starts shaking head. No! No. Please

  God help. I start to shake uncontrollably. The doctor clears his throat

  and begins to speak softly.

  “We tried everything that we could possibly try. His organs are

  shutting down, and he is on a ventilator to keep him breathing for now.

  Just long enough to say your final goodbyes.” He looks over to Lux and

  continues. “We have notified his parents back in Michigan. It will be

  their decision to shut the machines off. His parents should be here in

  about six hours. They want to be here with him when we do.” I hear

  Jared and Roger crying even harder, with Roger taking his fists and

  shoving it into his face with his eyes closed tight. I can’t sob anymore

  but my tears continually stream down my face. I’m in total shock. I feel

  like this isn’t happening. That the guys are still out and I’m still in my

  room passed out. Not in some cold, sterile hospital.

  217 The doctor looks back at me and asks, “Would you want to go and see him now?” Nodding to him, I follow slowly behind. I feel like I’m floating down the hallway. That my legs aren’t even moving. The doctor steps in front of the room and moves aside. “I will send the gentlemen in one by one. But you can stay in here with him until his family arrives.” I just stare up at the doctor’s face. His eyes are filled with sorrow. Pushing open the door I see my sweet friend laying there motionless on the bed. So many machines and ventilators are hooked up to him. It’s so loud in here with all the beeping. I slowly creep my way toward him and he has this tube shoved down his throat. His eyes are closed and the only sign of life left is the way his chest is moving up and down from the machines. He looks so pale. His beautiful color completely washed from his skin. I reach over and take his cold hand into mind. For some reason I try to warm him up. I gently sweep my fingers over the inside of his palms and up his long, callused fingers. These hands of his had such amazing talent. So much life he had left in him and now. New tears sting my eyes and I bend down over top of him, holding him the best way I could with all these machines hooked up to him. I raise and kiss the side of his face. It’s cold and clammy. I start crying even more. “Oh, Cory! Why?” I whisper to him. And all I hear back are the machines beeping off. I will never hear his voice again. I will never get to see his teasing smile or the way he holds me when I’m upset. I will never again get another guitar lesson from my friend after having a few drinks all night. And him telling me that I’m good when I really know that I’m not. I will never get to hear his laughter or get to see the excited look on his face before performances. It didn’t matter how big or small they were. He loved doing each of them.

  Sitting next to him now, I keep his hand in mine and begin to softly sing to him. I decided to sing “Freebird,” because that’s the only one that came into my head. My Cory.

  Humming the rest the door slowly opens and it’s Jared. His face looks broken and tears are also streaming down his face. He doesn’t say anything but walks up to the other side of the bed. I continue to hum softly to my friend. Thinking he can actually hear it and find comfort from it.

  Jared takes hold of his other hand and kneels beside him. Putting Cory’s hand to his cheek. Jared just stares at him, and cries softly to himself. He sits there like that for five minutes before gently resting Cory’s hand back down on the bed. When he lets go he speaks to Cory. “See you later, man.” And Jared walks out of the room. Still holding tightly to his hand, I start to rub circles over his knuckles when Roger comes in. He only takes a few steps in then stops. His eyes are also bloodshot. Roger then falls to his knees and starts sobbing into his heads. I carefully let go of Cory’s hand and walk over to Roger. Kneeling down beside him, I start to rub his back. I have nothing to say but to softly cry too. Roger gets up a few minutes later and uses the back of his hand and roughly wipes away his tears. Blinking rapidly. He continues his way over to the bed and hold Cory’s lifeless body. “Fuck, man! Why? We need you so fucking much.” His voice cracks as he tries to talk and the sound makes me cover my mouth with my hand. To try to stop myself from balling again. Roger cries on Cory. I have never, in all the years that I’ve known him, seen him cry. This tears at my insides even more.

  When Roger’s done, he starts to walk out but stops and turns back to Cory. Putting his head down, he walks out the room. I don’t think I can take anymore of this. But I don’t want to leave my friend alone. So I take my seat beside his bed again and take his hand in mine.

  Matt comes in next. Taking his place at the other side of the bed, he shakes his head. Matt looks at me and starts crying harder again. “He told me he would be right back. He told me.” I know where Matt is getting at and I don’t want to hear it. I look away at the clock on the wall and try to focus on the hands. But Matt fucking goes on. “He left my sight only once and I didn’t think anything of it. It was getting late and we were getting ready to leave. Just fucking once.” I lose it and start balling. Not even cover my eyes this time, I let it all out. “Please, Matt just stop, Please.”

  “I love you, man.” I hear Matt say to Cory. “I’m so sorry I fucked up.”

  Turning back to them I see Matt rest his forehead against Cory’s. This is all like some fucked up nightmare I can’t escape.

  Matt says nothing more but kisses his friend on his forehead and walks out.

  To kill the sound of the machines and waiting for the next person to come in I start to softly sing to my friend again. I sing the first song I ever sang. I was six years old and it was at some church festival, but the memory makes me smile on the inside a little bit. Because it was then that I realized that I wanted to be a singer. A classic. The Rose. As I start off singing this one to him, Lux walks in but doesn’t come close to him as the rest of us. Instead he just stares and gently wipes away his tears. After a few minutes he asks me, “How are you holding up?” I let out a scoff sound from my throat and look righ
t at him. What fucking kind of question is that?

  Lux eyes are soft and he nods his head slowly and walks out.

  I continue my song for Cory while using my other hand to gently stroke around his face. So fucking cold and he’s still breathing. But my friend is already gone now.

  I didn’t hear the door open again, and this time it was Tristan. He creeps up to my side and stands over me and gently places his hand on my shoulder. I didn’t jump, but still singing to my friend I look up at Tristan’s face. He looks almost like some dark angel right now. His broad features are soft right now. Almost weak. And his eyes are filled with remorse and sadness. He uses his hand and cups my face and uses his thumb to wipe away my tears. Tristan stays silent and just stands next to me. Sitting back in my chair. Holding Cory’s hand with my left, Tristan takes hold of my right hand pulling my arm up on the length of my right side. Our hands lacing together, resting against my collarbone. Eventually Tristan lets go and bends down to face me, turning to him, his eyes down staring at the floor. “If you need me, I’ll be out in the waiting room.” Nodding silently. I let go of his hand. I watch Tristan walk to the door. His back muscles tensing through his T-shirt. He turns back to look at me once more. And I’m just sitting there frozen.

  He quietly says again, “I’ll be right out here.” With that he walks out.

  Hours pass, but I couldn’t really tell. My eyes burn from the tears that they shed and lack of sleep. I’m afraid if I close them, Cory will be all the way gone.

  Sunlight starts to set into the room, shimmering on top of Cory’s blonde head. I hate seeing all these tubes and IVs hooked up to him. I admire Cory’s beautiful features one last time. The door opens and it’s Cory parents. His mom, a short petite woman with the same piercing blue eyes as his, and his dad tall and lean with gray-blonde hair. I see Cory in both of them and my heart breaks all over again when I see their faces look over at their only son. Cory’s mom holds on tightly to Cory’s dad and starts crying again. Cory’s dad wraps his arm around his wife, just staring at his son. Cory’s mom lets go and runs over to the bed, throwing herself down on Cory. “My baby. My sweet handsome little boy.” And she sobs into Cory’s chest. Cory’s dad walks around to my side and I quickly stand, giving him better access to his son. Cory’s dad looks down and hugs me hard. “Thank you for being with our boy tonight. He would’ve been so lonely if you weren’t here.” And his words break me again. I hold tightly on to him. After letting my cries out again, I leave the room so his parents can be with him.

  Stepping out into the hall. It’s ghostly quiet. Some of the guys have fallen asleep against the wall; and Tristan is standing off the right with a coffee in his hand, looking out the large glass window. I walk over to my boys and lean against the wall by Jared. Tristan turns around and notices I’m out of the room. He gives me my space still and just watches me. I take a seat against the cool wall and begin to pray. Praying that maybe some kind of miracle will wake me friend back up. An hour later, the doctor from earlier and a nurse go into the room. Oh my god. What’s going on? A few minutes pass and Cory’s parents walk out with Cory’s mom burrowing her head into her husband’s chest. Sobbing uncontrollably.

  They say nothing but walk down the hall and in that moment I know. He’s gone . . .

  Chapter Thirty-two

  Lying on the bed in the hotel room, I stare up at the ceiling. I tried going to sleep, but I’m afraid to. I’m afraid that I will see Cory’s face again full of life. Right now I don’t think I would be able to handle that. Believing for just one minute he’s still here and everything is fine then the next getting all that taken away from me again. I just can’t bear the thought.

  It’s already almost five o’clock in the evening and our Denver show got canceled.

  Lux texted me about an half hour ago wanting everyone to meet up at his office if we can. What in the hell is that supposed to mean? I don’t want to leave my room, but I know we have to go. We’re in the middle of our tour. I have no idea what’s going to happen next. And as of right now. I don’t really care either. Pulling myself up, I drag myself into the shower, standing there for I don’t know how long. The water starts to run cold and I’m shivering, but I welcome the cold right now for it makes me feel something other than emptiness.

  I slide on my jean shorts and my hoodie. My hair is a mess and there are big dark circles underneath my blue eyes and my eyelids look and feel heavier, as if I haven’t slept in days. And my lips are chapped and dry.

  Sitting back down on my bed, I call Roger up to see if they’re going to Lux’s. The phone rings a while before he answers. His usually loud voice is quiet.

  “Hi, Sophia,” he says into the line. And already I feel like choking back tears.

  “Are any of you guys going over to see Lux?” The line is quiet for a moment and he blows out a loud breath into the line.

  222 “Yeah, hey, I guess we should.” His voice breaks and one tear glides down my cheek.

  Wiping it away I go on. “I just don’t know, Roger. I just don’t know what to do right now.”

  “Yeah. I know, I know.” He sniffles into the phone.

  “I guess I’ll meet you downstairs then? Like in five?” I’m trying not to let my voice break, but I give away at the end, my lip quivering.

  “Yeah.” And Roger quickly hangs up. I sit on my bed and cry softly to myself for a few minutes before having the strength to pick myself up. I dig around in my bag and find my sunglasses. I quickly put them on before leaving.

  Once I’m downstairs, I notice Roger, Jared, and Matt walking down the hall. All of them are wearing sunglasses too. Cory died only five hours ago. Died, meaning the cord was officially pulled. We all sit in the taxi cab in silence, just staring out at the busy streets of LA. When we pull up to the studio, I climb out first, Matt climbs out next and hugs me hard. The last time we were here was when we were just finishing up the album and getting ready to go on tour, just a couple short months ago.

  We arrive on the floor where Lux’s office is. It’s quiet. As we approach his door, I hear him talking. It sounds like the guys from Undead Society are in there too. My stomach feels like it’s filled with lead. I’m already suffering inside. The last thing I need is to be around Tristan. Yes, he was a gentleman with me last night or was it today? But that still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want to be around him right now. Actually I don’t want to be around anyone.

  Opening the door, Lux stops talking and looks over at us. Sorrow in his eyes, the other guys in the room follow suit.

  “Hey, guys. Come in.” Lux speaks in the gentlest tone I have ever heard him speak in before.

  We all enter the dark room with our heads hung down. I walk over to the table and sit. Tristan is on the couch behind me, and I know he’s staring. But I face away from him.

  When we’re all seated, Lux walks over to his desk and leans on it. He’s rubbing his hands up and down on his face, taking deep breaths.

  “What happened today . . . I mean, it is without a doubt, the darkest day you guys have ever probably had. Cory was an exceptional guitarist and musician. He was also a very good friend to everyone. I know that no amount of time will heal our hearts at his loss. With that being said, Dollar Settlement. You guys will be flying back to Michigan tomorrow on my jet to be with your families and Cory’s. I will find out the arrangements and make sure to be there myself. He was very special to us, and we will truly and utterly miss him deeply. I’m sorry. I’m not good at talking about these kinds of things. And I really hate it that I have to be having this kind of talk with all of you.” Lux stops and looks around. He grabs some tissues off his desk and brings them over to the table, where I’m sitting. I take one from him and lift my sunglasses a bit and wipe the corner of my eye.

  “But the show does have to go on. Dollar Settlement did sign with the label. The company though is very understanding right now, but they would like it if you guys showed up at the final show in New York before Undead Soci
ety goes over to Europe. I was thinking that maybe we could look for a sub to fill in for Cory’s place at that show—”

  “Fuck that!” Roger yells. “No one can replace Cory. No one!”

  Lux just stands there quietly and lets Roger finish. I hate that we’re having this conversation but I know we have too.

  “I know how you feel Roger, and believe me, if it were up to me then I wouldn’t even have you guys come back for at least a couple months but there are other members on the board. I’m so terribly sorry.” The room goes quiet as Lux finishes up. Shit, he has a point.

  All of a sudden, Caleb clears his throat. “I can do it. I mean, I know I’m nothing like how Cory was but I will definitely do it if you guys want me to?”

  “I think that’s probably how Cory would’ve wanted it.” My voice comes through soft, low. My eyes staring at the floor, it feels like I’m in an out-of-body experience right now.

  Everyone stops talking and I can tell they’re all looking at me, but my head is still hung low, with my hair falling around my face.

  “Really?” Lux asks me and I look up and see Jared nod then Matt and finally I look over to Roger who speaks. “Yeah. I mean if we have to finish, then I think Caleb would be good. But what about their show?” Caleb would have to play two whole sets that night.

  “Yeah, Caleb.” I turn around in my chair and face him and Tristan. Caleb shrugs his shoulders, like it’s no problem. “I have no problem learning the material. It will take extra work on my part but I would be glad to help you guys out.” Tears that I’ve been fighting back since I came in here, stream down my face. I stand up and walk over to Caleb. He gives me a gentle smile and stands too. I embrace him with my arms wrapped tight around him. “Thank you,” I whisper.