Everything I Want

by Natalie Barnes

  “You’re welcome,” he whispers back. After releasing him, I see Tristan, looking up at us. But he doesn’t do or say anything but pat his friend on his shoulders when Caleb sits back down.

  Taking my seat again Lux goes on. “Okay then. Caleb if you wouldn’t mind, we can start something up soon to learn the new material so you don’t burn yourself out too much before New York.”

  “Yeah, okay,” Caleb says.

  “Well, now that we have taken care of that, I will send a car for you guys tomorrow morning to catch my . . . Well, the company’s jet.” He uses air quotations when he says company.

  I stand up again, getting ready to leave, Lux walks over and hugs me one more time. I can barely hold on to him, I just want to leave now. Memories are flooding back of when the last time I was in this room. All of us were in this room.

  Not saying anything, I give a nod of my head and start to follow the rest of my guys out. I didn’t even look behind me when I shut the door.

  It’s the day of Cory’s funeral. It’s November so it’s very chilly out but the sun is shining. We’re in Cory’s childhood hometown where his parents live. They live in a beautiful suburb outside Detroit. Putting on my dark coat, I pull my phone out of the pocket and call Roger. He answers on the first ring.

  “Hi,” Roger says to me. It just seems like there is so much more in that little word he just used.

  “Hey.” I bite my lip, I’m lost for words. Tears start swiping down my cheeks. Trying to keep my voice calm I say, “Are we going to do that today?” I choke out. Being calm is not going to happen today I realize.

  “Of course. Cory would’ve dug it.” Roger voice breaks up now. Holding my mouth with one hand, I use my other to run my fingers through my hair, resting my phone on my cheek and shoulder. Even though Roger can’t see, I nod into the phone.

  “Okay, well I guess I’ll meet you guys there then.”

  “See you there, Sophia.”

  “Roger . . . ” I pause.

  “Yeah.” He’s trying to clear his throat.

  “I love you, all of you’s. I— I just wanted to let you know that.” “Love you too, Sophie.” He hangs up.

  The funeral was very beautiful. His mother, God bless her, did an amazing job pulling this together. I couldn’t even imagine having to plan my child’s funeral. It was done at his childhood church, with fall time flower arrangements laid out, bringing in colors of orange and yellows and reds. Chrysanthemums laid out everywhere.

  Standing outside, the wind begins to pick up and the sun is shining. Before they lower Cory, the guys and I had planned something special for him. All of Cory’s family and childhood friends are here. Even Lux and all of the guys from Undead Society are here to pay their respects. I didn’t look over once at Tristan during the funeral though. I don’t want to bring up those memories of him at all while I’m here with my friend for the last time. What can I say. Life sucks sometimes, but I can’t let the trivial things like Tristan being a man slow me down. That was my own mistake for even getting involved with someone in this line of work.

  Tristan stands in the far back, wearing all black with his hair push back and sunglasses on. He’s standing off by himself, probably trying to give me space as well.

  “Are you ready, girl?” Jared whispers in my ear, holding on to my shoulder. “Yes,” I say back to him. Before the pastor continues he stops to announce us.

  “Today, Cory’s friends and band mates would like to do something very special for him. I will let them proceed up here now.”

  Matt and Jared pull their acoustic guitars out of their cases, and Roger pulls out his harmonica from his pocket. Walking up, I kneel down to my friend and place my lips on the cool casket and whisper to him. “This is for you, my friend. You will always be in our hearts, forever and ever.”

  Turning back around, I face the crowd. Clearing my throat, I begin to speak as the guys set up a few folding chairs for us.

  “Cory was our very dear friend. He has touched so many lives and helped so many people. His smile would light up any room and his enthusiasm could bring cheer and hope to anyone. He was not only our band mate, but our friend and our brother.” My throat begins to tighten and I’m praying that I can get through this. One tear slides down my face and I don’t bother wiping it away. Cory’s parents look so lost right now without their boy, it breaks me.

  Tristan is walking up closer, and for some reason that helps me. I feel comforted by his presence right now instead of angry at what he’s done. Taking a deep breath in, I continue.

  “Today we would like to do something special for our dear friend. We will be singing one of his favorite songs.” The pain in my chest is lifting and light begins to fill the ache that’s in my heart at the memory of Cory and this song. “You see, Cory wasn’t all about rock and rap. He really loved older folk music too. He always would tell us, growing up, his parents would listen to Terry Reid and sing to him.” Cory’s mom looks up to me, wiping her tear-soaked face. Cory’s dad, smiles, with tears still softly escaping his eyes. “Cory actually tried to teach me this song on the guitar once, but it didn’t really work out.” I hear soft laughter from the crowd. “I can hold on to a guitar, but that’s pretty much it. But what we did do is this, he would play and I would—” shrugging my shoulders, looking down at my feet, “sing.” Tristan is now standing far off to the left in the front row now and I look over to him, giving him a gentle smile. He gives me one small smile back and looks down at the ground. Facing Cory’s parents again, I finish with saying, “Cory loved ‘To Be Treated Rite,’ and I would love to get a chance to sing it to my friend and I won’t say this is the last time either. I will be singing to him every day that I’m on this earth. And one day, we will be able to jam together again.” Turning around I nod at my boys and place my right hand on the casket. “See you later, Cory,” I say to him and Matt and Jared start strumming the soft, mellow chords of their guitars and I take a seat beside them, staring at Roger.

  He’s staring back at me, holding on to his harmonica, and I begin to softly sing, closing my eyes as I do with my hands in my lap. I feel Rogers hand reach over and hold on to mine. It comforts me. Opening my eyes, I stare at him with my eyes full of unshed tears. He lets go and brings the harmonica up to his mouth, and begins to play. Finally being able to look over, I see Cory’s parents, with very soft smiles on their faces, staring at me.

  When we finish the song, soft claps begin to fill the area where we sit. Cory’s mom comes walking over to me and the guys with her arms out, trying to take us all in. Holding on to her side, I rest my cheek on her small shoulder.

  “Thank you,” she whispers.

  “Thank you.”

  When the funeral was over, I take my time leaving. Everyone else was going back to Cory’s parents but I just didn’t feel like leaving. Just sitting here staring at the dirt mound that’s covering my friend, I have to keep reminding myself that he’s not there anymore, but everywhere now. Still, I hurt and I really don’t know if any of us will ever be the same again.

  “Are you all right?” I hear Tristan and I slowly look over my shoulder and nod before turning back to face Cory.

  I can hear him stepping in closer. But not saying anything more. He stands behind me the entire time that I’m here. Tristan never leaving, but not pushing either and that endearment I will always hold on to.

  Chapter Thirty-three

  Madison Square Garden. We’re all sitting around the table, silently. It has been a few weeks since Cory’s funeral. I haven’t seen nor talked to Lux since then. Tristan stood with me that day ‘til I was ready to finally leave. He drove me back to my apartment in Ann Arbor. Only things that would come out of his mouth were directions to where I lived. I can still remember though, what he said to me when we pulled up to my apartment.

  “This is where you live?”

  “Yes” is all I can say to him. We sit there for a moment in silence again. I find silence right now very peaceful. Once I
would hate the silence; but right now, I find it soothing. I just don’t want to think about anything. I just like this numb feeling I have going on. It’s almost like I’m walking through a dream. Looking out my window, I know I should be getting inside, but I can’t.

  “Do you want me to come up? You know, for some company,” Tristan says to me softly. Still looking out the window, I shake my head no.

  “Well, would you mind if maybe I call you sometime?” Looking over to him, his face is gentle and caring. Once his eyes were dark are now soft and filled with remorse.

  “I don’t think that would be a very good idea, Tristan.” My voice is low and flat. I have no strength to show any emotion right now. I feel like it all bled out of me. Tristan’s eyes pinch together as he closes them tight, as if he were in pain. I turn to look out the window again, reaching for the door handle. Tristan gently reaches over and stops my hands from grabbing it. “Wait.” Looking back at him, his eyes are still pinched together, trying to find words. “I’m sorry.” Looking down at his hand holding mine I ask.

  229 “What for? For Cory?” Opening his eyes, he looks completely lost. Shaking his head, I know what he’s sorry for and I really don’t want to hear. I take my other hand and place it on top of his. His grip on my hand that he’s holding loosens up. Biting my lip, I pull his hand off mine and he lets me. Opening the door, I start to exit the car but before I shut the door, I lean in. Tristan is holding his breath and his eyes pleading. “Thank you, Tristan. Thank you for everything.” With that, I shut his door and wave him off. He’s still parked out front when I enter my apartment complex. Turning back around to look out the window, I see the tail lights of his car, pulling away. I want to so badly to forget everything that has happened, but I know right now, it’s not the right time.

  We hear a knock at the door and then Lux peeks his head in, still dressed as sharp as ever, he walks over to us slowly. “Hello,” he says to us. He brings over a chair and sits beside Roger and Jared, across from me. Looking at each of us in the eyes, Lux goes on. “I just want to thank you guys for making it tonight. Also, I just wanted to let you guys know that Caleb has been working very hard on the material. I know he’s not Cory, but I believe that his heart is in the right place and he’s just as good.” I know Caleb can play just as good. He’s been in a rock band for almost ten years. But Cory had his own flare, one that I know we’ll never hear or see again.

  “So anyways, after tonight’s show, you guys will have a couple months off before we start promoting and marketing. I need everyone to try and be in the best mindset that they can be in a couple months. Cory would’ve wanted that. He worked very hard with you guys to get Dollar Settlement somewhere and I know it hurts but you can’t just throw that away.” Lux’s words strike a chord in me. He was absolutely right and us giving up now would mean everything we worked so hard for would be wasted.

  Smiling I reach over and pat Lux’s hand. “You’re right, sir.” Lux smiles back and looks over to the other guys. “Yeah you are. He would’ve wanted that.” Jared says to him. “Yeah, he would be so pissed if we pussied out like Jared’s hair over here.” Roger points to Jared’s new do he’s been trying. And that little comment, well, insult, on Jared made us all start laughing. Who would’ve thought that something so small would finally bring laughter back into our lungs. Jared is smiling, shaking his head. “Whatever man, you’re just jealous.”

  “Jealous of what? Flat ironing?” Watching these two go at it really helps right now and before I knew it. It was time to go on.

  “Are you guys ready now?” Lux stands, straightening out his suit. “Yeah.” I say to him and we start to walk out of the room. Meeting us by the stage is Caleb. He actually looks nervous. And I’ve never in all my time with him, seen him nervous. He turns around and looks at us. “Hey.” He says and I walk over to him. “How you doing there Caleb?”

  “Oh you know, good I guess. How are you guys doing?”

  “Good. We’re doing good.” Looking around, I notice that Tristan isn’t standing nearby. For some reason, I was kind of wanting him to.

  “All right guys, it’s showtime.” Lux walks up and points to the stage. Thousands of people are here. It’s Undead’s last show before they start the European leg of their tour.

  Looking back over to my guys, I open my arms so I can take them in before going on stage. Roger, Matt and Jared all come around and we’re in one big circle, holding each other for a moment with our heads touching. “God please give us the strength to do this and Cory . . . This is for you.”

  Pulling away we turn and walk out on stage. The lights are off while the boys hurry and get to their spots. Walking up to the mic, I pull it off the stand. Looking over my shoulder, to see how Caleb is doing, Tristan catches my eye. He’s standing in the exact same spot, off the stage, where he would always stand when we performed. Only now I don’t feel a cold stare or intimidation. I feel comfort and peace. Even though we’re not together, and a lot of fucked up shit happened between us. I still find that seeing him always there, great comfort. Looking straight ahead again, I begin to speak into the mic. “Hey, New York!” Applause and cheers come from the audience.

  And that feeling that I thought I would never be able to have again is back. That feeling you only get when you’re onstage. The excitement you feel coming off the audience and the thrill of performing. This is why we started this band. This is why we’re here. And Caleb begins to play and the boys follow suit.

  After our set is over, I turn around and jog over to Caleb. Before he can even set the guitar down, I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him in. “Whoa!” He says, laughing. “Thank you so much.” I kiss him on the cheek, then release him. “You’re welcome.” He winks at me then walks off the stage, talking with Roger and Jared. Slowly trailing behind them, Tristan stands in front of me, stopping me. “Sophia, I need to talk to you.” Oh boy. I have a good feeling what he wants to discuss. But now isn’t the time nor place for this. Stepping aside, trying to get out of his way, he moves swiftly back in front of me. “Please . . . I haven’t texted or called you. I left you completely alone just like you wanted. Can you just give me one damn minute please.” This isn’t the Tristan I know. Before he would intimidate me or threaten almost when not having his way. But now he seems panicked and uneasy. Nothing like his collective self before. Looking over my shoulder at the roadies setting up the stage I turn back and face Tristan. “You literally have one minute.” His eyes light up and gently pushes me off to the side so we’re in the corridor. Searching my eyes, Tristan softly speaks. “Listen I know I fucked up.” Rolling my eyes, I already heard this shit a hundred times before. “Damn it, Sophia! Just stop it. Stop it!” My eyes widen and he has my attention, old Tristan is making his comeback. Blowing out a breath, he relaxes his shoulders and cups my face in his palms, so that I’m staring right in his eyes. “I mean it. I can’t tell you enough. That night, I was angry. At first I thought I was angry at you for turning me down, but that wasn’t it. I was fucking angry at myself for falling for you. And that threw me off, so I handled it stupidly. I got wasted and took in the first thing I thought would help. I never really did the girlfriend thing before, and I wanted to with you. That scared and pissed me off so fucking much. I really can’t explain it, but when I saw you, in the door way like that. It all came back to me what I really wanted. Shit! Sophia, I love you . . . ” My eyes start to sting. Oh my god, don’t cry. Don’t cry over him. He’s a rock star, he did it once when we were not together, just think if we had been.

  Trying to shake my head free, he holds on tighter, pulling me in closer to him. “I love you, Sophia. Hurting you was the biggest fucking mistake I have ever made. I was protecting you from everyone else but then I ended up hurting you the most. I’m so fucking sorry. But please . . . Please give me a chance. I will never hurt you again baby, please.”

  “You guys are on!” I hear one of the roadies yell over Tristan’s shoulder. But he doesn’t budge. Reaching up
with my hands, I gently pry his hands off my face. My eyes are so glassy, but I still manage to hold my tears in. “NO!” I say to him and his face falls. “Wh-What?” He’s in disbelief.

  “Thank you, Tristan, for apologizing, but it’s too late. I forgive you, really I do. But . . . right now you have your tour, and we have to deal with a loss and our album. This is just not the right time.” Tristan takes one step back, but before he walks to the stage he says. “You’re afraid, Sophia. You’re a fucking coward!” What! “Excuse me?” My voice becoming stronger now. “You fucking heard me, you’re afraid to fall in love. Shit, Sophia, I can’t tell you enough how fucking stupid I was, but you just have to believe me, that I will never hurt you again.”

  “I’m not afraid of falling in love. But we only were together for a short time. And you fucked someone else. Like I said, Tristan! I forgiven you on that, but I will never forget. And right now, I want my band to go somewhere. We’ve come too damn far to turn back now. And I’m not going to throw it away.”

  “Tristan, come on man!” I hear Gunner yelling at him off from the stage. But Tristan doesn’t care. He’s just staring back at me, his jaw clenching and his fists balled up.

  “Go on, Tristan . . . ” I tilt my chin over to the stage. “Thousands of people want you right now, don’t worry about me—”

  “I don’t fucking care what they want! I want you!” He yells and everyone around us stops and looks over. Shit! Why is he making a scene, crossing my arms, I roll my eyes at him. “Bye Tristan. Have a good tour.” And I hurry up and take off down the hallway so he doesn’t try to leave the stage. He yells back at me. “This isn’t over yet Sophia. This isn’t over.” Waving my hand up in the air toward him, I duck into the nearest room.