The Carnal Prayer Mat (Rou Putuan)

by Li Yu

  After completing his comments, he drew three large circles beside each of the names, then folded up the notebook and tucked it into his pocket. From that day forward he no longer cared whether he went to the temple to look at girls. He was preoccupied with the three beauties, but although he spent every daylight hour walking the streets with his notebook, he could find no trace of them.

  The Knave has more experience than anyone else, Vesperus said to himself, and he knows this area well. Why not go and ask him? There is one problem, though. He promised to find me a mistress, and since he hasn't been around the last few days, I expect he's gone off in search of one. If I mention this to him, he'll assume I've found a suitable girl and give up his responsibilities. Moreover, without a name to go by, where would he start looking? I'll keep the matter to myself for a few days. He may find someone and come and tell me about her. You never know. One can have too much of everything in life except beautiful girls. Even if he produces dozens of them, I'll deal with his recommendations first and still have time for these three later. Thenceforth after rising each morning he either went out hoping to run into the Knave or else waited anxiously in his rooms.

  One day while crossing the street he spotted his friend and hailed him. "Brother, about that promise you made me the other day. How is it I've had no response? You haven't forgotten, by any chance?"

  "It's been on my mind every hour of the day. How could I possibly forget? The trouble is that there are plenty of ordinary girls out there but very few excellent ones. I've been searching all this time, and only now have I come up with one or two. In fact I was just on my way over to report when I ran into you."

  Vesperus's face broke into a broad smile. "In that case this street is hardly the place to talk. Come over to my lodgings."

  Linking hands, the two men walked to his lodgings. Once there, Vesperus dismissed his boys and shut his door so that he and the Knave could discuss the happy prospect in private.

  Whose wife will be so fortunate as to get the services of this eminently qualified lover? And whose husband will be so unfortunate as to arouse the attentions of this devilish adulterer? There is no need, gentle reader, to remain in doubt, for the answers will be found in the next chapter.

  CRITIQUE

  Fiction writers always confine themselves to narrative as distinct from discourse. Or, if they do write discourse, they develop a piece to serve as prologue to the narrative and then, after reaching the transitio, [48] quickly wind it up, evidently fearing a hopeless confusion. How can they conduct a philosophical discussion while poised for the fray? The author of this book is the only one who can display calm amid the panic and cool amid the heat. Into every tense passage of narrative he inserts a piece of leisurely discourse, posing and answering his questions in such an orderly fashion that the reader, far from finding it a distraction, is loath to see it end. When the author has finished his discourse and takes up the narration again, he is able to make it dovetail perfectly with what has gone before. A true master of the art! Ever since he invented this mode, he has been the only one capable of practicing it. Those who imitate his technique merely earn the reader's boredom.

  CHAPTER SIX

  In embellishing a shortcoming, he boasts of a long suit; For presenting a small object, he is mocked by a great expert.

  Poem:

  If you lack great talent for the bedroom art,

  Tempt not with lesser skills the womb of woe.

  In the darkness Pan An's looks will go unseen;

  What use are Cao Zhi's rhymes before the foe?

  After his dream King Xiang returned to Chu; [49]

  Pray ask him why he ever climbed Mount Wu.

  You expect from birth love's perfect instrument?

  Then see that its size and design are left to you.

  The Knave took a seat and opened the discussion: "Well, brother, any interesting contacts?"

  Fearing that the Knave merely wanted to shed his responsibilities, Vesperus said no, then went quickly on: "Brother, that one you mentioned just now-what family does she belong to? Where do they live? How old is she? How would you rate her looks? Do tell me."

  "I've found you not one but three. I'll tell you all about them and let you make your own choice. But you can have only one, you mustn't get greedy and hanker after all three. That would never do."

  I have these three girls on my mind, thought Vesperus, and here he is talking about three girls too. I wonder if his three could be the same ones I saw? If so, I need seduce only one of them for the other two to come around of their own accord. I wouldn't even need his help in that.

  "Of course not," he replied. "One would be ample, thank you. I'd never dream of being so greedy."

  "Just as well," said the Knave. "The only problem is that everybody has his likes and dislikes, and someone I think beautiful may not seem so to you. I've found these three girls, but I'm not sure they'll appeal to you."

  "Brother, you have such a wealth of experience that you must be a good judge. It's possible that a woman who took my fancy might not seem beautiful to you, but hardly the other way around."

  "Well, then, let me ask you this: do you prefer your women plump or slender?"

  "A plump figure has its attractions, just as a slender one does. But a woman must not be so plump as to fill out her clothes or so slender as to look bony. So long as she is plump or slender within a suitable range, she'll appeal to me."

  "In that case you'll find all three to your liking. Now let me ask you this: in matters of sex, do you prefer them passionate or prudish?"

  "Why, passionate, of course. It's no fun having a prudish woman in bed with you. It's simpler sleeping on your own. I've always been dead scared of prudes."

  The Knave shook his head. "In that case, none of these will be right for you."

  "Tell me, brother, how do you know they're prudish?"

  "As it happens, they all belong to the same school-supremely beautiful but lacking experience in lovemaking."

  "But that's no obstacle! So long as the basic quality is there, passionate behavior can always be instilled. To be quite frank with you, my own wife was a prude at first, utterly ignorant about lovemaking she was; but it took me only a few days to educate her out of it. Now, believe it or not, she's almost too passionate. So long as these women really are beautiful, I have my own ways of changing them should they be a little on the prudish side."

  "Well, that takes care of that. There's just one other question I have for you: do you need to take possession as soon as you meet, or are you willing to hold off for a few months while waiting for her to come to hand?"

  "Frankly, brother, my desires are always at fever pitch. If I have to go a few nights without a woman, I'll have a wet dream. In all the time I've been away from home, I've not visited a brothel once, and by now I'm simply frantic. If I fail to meet a beautiful girl, I daresay I'll be able to scrape by, but if I do find one, and we have some feeling for each other, I don't think I could contain myself any longer."

  "In that case let's confine ourselves to this one and ignore the other two. They belong to a rich and distinguished family and would be difficult to obtain at short notice. This one is the wife of a poor man and should be easy to get. I don't frequent poor people's houses, but the promise I made to you has been very much on my mind, and I've made a point of looking closely at every woman I saw, by day or night.

  "One day I was walking along the street when I noticed this woman sitting in her doorway behind a bamboo curtain. Although I saw her only through the curtain and did not get a clear view, I was struck by the pink and white glow of her complexion, like some priceless pearl radiating light. When I looked again, this time at how graceful her figure was, she seemed like a great beauty's portrait hanging there inside the curtain and gently swaying in the breeze. The sight held me rooted to the spot, unable to walk on. I stood there opposite her house for a while and then noticed a man coming out, a coarse-looking character in shabby clothes who was taking a rol
l of silk to market. I went and asked the neighbors about them and learned that the man's surname was Quan, that due to his reputation for honesty he was known as Honest Quan, and that the woman was his wife. I was worried about not getting a close enough view of her through the curtain, so I went by a few days later, and there she was again, sitting in her doorway. Before she had time to do anything, I whipped the curtain aside, burst in, and told her that I had come to buy silk from her husband.

  "'My husband is away,' she replied. 'But if it's silk you want, we have plenty of it. Let me get some out for you to look at.' But despite what she said, she made no move to get the silk. I talked her into getting some, just to see what her hands and feet were like. Her fingers were like lotus shoots, as delicate and tapering as you could possibly imagine. Her feet were less than three inches long, and she was not wearing high heels either, so there was no artifice involved. I had now seen her hands and feet, but not the rest of her, and I had no idea whether her skin was light or dark in tone, and so I came up with another ploy. Spying another roll of silk on the top of the case, I said, 'None of this is good enough. Could you get me down that roll from on top? I'd like to take a look at it.'

  "She nodded, and raised her arms over her head to get it down. It was a hot day, you understand, and she was wearing nothing but an unlined silk dress. As she raised her arms, her loose sleeves fell all the way back to her shoulders, so that not only were her arms exposed, her breasts were faintly visible too. They were truly as white as snow, as smooth as a mirror, as fine as powder. No doubt about it, she belongs in the top group of all the women I have ever seen. I was embarrassed to be giving her so much trouble and felt obliged to buy a roll of silk. But before I go any further, let me ask you this, brother: do you like this woman and would you want her?"

  "She sounds like perfection itself. Of course I do! But how can I see her and then, once I've seen her, how can I get her?"

  "There's no problem there. It'll cost a little money, that's all. I'll go and get a few ingots now, and then we'll set off for her place and wait until her husband leaves home. We'll proceed as I did before, bursting in and asking for silk. You'll be able to tell at a glance whether she appeals to you. The only question is whether you like her, for I've no doubt that she'll like you. After facing that coarse-looking husband of hers day after day-honest he may be, but he has absolutely no appeal-she's bound to be aroused by the very sight of you. Give her the impression you're making advances and, if she doesn't take immediate offense, we'll come back and think how to proceed. I guarantee that within three days she'll be yours. Afterward, if you want to arrange a marriage, I'll see to that too."

  "I'd be grateful to all eternity. But there is one thing that puzzles me. Since you possess such marvelous ingenuity and supernatural power, I should have thought there'd be nothing in the world you couldn't do. How is it that you can get me this one and not the other two? Is it really because a poor man is easy to take advantage of but you don't dare provoke the rich and mighty?"

  In every other matter that's the case; the poor man is easier to take advantage of and the rich man more dangerous to provoke. But with adultery the opposite holds true."

  "Why is that?" asked Vesperus.

  "A rich man is sure to have several wives and concubines, and while he is sleeping with one of them, the others will be left on their own. As the old saying goes, 'Once you're well fed and clothed, your thoughts turn to sex.' Those women, being well fed and well dressed, have nothing else to think about but sex. When a woman like that is feeling frustrated and a man slips into her bed-a man, the very thing she has been longing for!-she is hardly going to push him out again. Even if her husband catches them in the act, although he may feel like seizing them and dragging them off to court, still, as a rich and distinguished man he will fear the resultant loss of face. Alternatively, although he may feel like killing them both on the spot, he won't want to give up such a beautiful girl, and if he can't bear to sacrifice her, how can he justify killing her lover? So he will usually suppress his anger and say nothing, playing deaf and dumb so as to give the lover a chance to escape.

  "The poor man, on the other hand, has only one wife who sleeps in his arms every night. Forget that she is so preoccupied with worrying about hunger and cold that she would never have any lustful thoughts anyway. Even if she did, and tried to arrange a meeting with her lover, there'd be no place for them to have sex. If by some chance they did manage a furtive embrace and were caught in the act, her husband, as a poor man, wouldn't care about loss of face and would show them no mercy whatever. He'd either seize them and drag them off to court or else kill them both on the spot. That's why it's dangerous to provoke a poor man but easy to take advantage of a rich one."

  "That's all very plausible, but how do you explain the fact that these arguments contradict what you said before?"

  "It's not that I'm being inconsistent, just that those families are in precisely the opposite situations from the ones I've been talking about, which is why this one is easy to get and the other two are beyond your reach for the moment."

  "I've set my heart on this one, but it wouldn't do any harm to tell me about the other two, if only to show how much trouble you've gone to in my behalf."

  "One of them is in her twenties," said the Knave, "and the other no more than fifteen or sixteen. They are two sisters who are also sisters-in-law, being married to two brothers. Their husbands' family has produced officials over many generations, but no one in this generation has succeeded in the higher examinations. These two are nominal licentiates who, for all their studies, are quite ill educated. The elder brother's name is Scholar Cloud-Reposer, and he's been married to the woman in her twenties for four or five years now. The younger one's name is Scholar Cloud-Recliner, and he's been married to the fifteen- or sixteen-year-old for less than three months. Both wives are as beautiful as the woman I've just described, but they're also prudish. They don't move or say anything during sex and they give the distinct impression of not liking it. But although they may not like it, their husbands have no other wives or concubines to turn to, so they share their wives' bedrooms every night, which is why it would not be easy to get either woman. If you want to try, you'll need to use every trick in the book to arouse her sexual desire and then wait until her husband is away before making your move. It is not something that can be done in a month or two. The woman in the silk shop whom I mentioned has two advantages: she is easy to meet and her husband is often away. That is why it would be simpler to get her."

  Noting that the description of the two women roughly fitted the two girls he had seen a few days before, Vesperus was reluctant to let the matter drop. "Brother," he said, "you are perfectly right, but there's one point you've overlooked. You said the two women are prudish and lack sexual desire and therefore it would not be easy to make a move. I suspect they may be like that only because their husbands' endowment is so tiny and their stamina so inadequate that the wives get no pleasure from sex. If they met up with me, I submit that they would soon be relieved of their prudery."

  "From what I've seen," said the Knave, "their husbands' endowment can't be described as tiny or their stamina as inadequate, although it is true that they don't compare with men of the greatest proportions and capacities. That's one thing I was going to ask you about, worthy brother. Your sexual desires are so keen that I'm sure you have what it takes. But tell me, just what is the size of your endowment? And what is your stamina like? I need to know if I am to act for you with an easy mind."

  Vesperus beamed. "That's one thing you needn't worry about, my good fellow. I'm not boasting when I say that my stamina and endowment are both more than adequate. They will lay a feast from which even a woman with the heartiest appetite will stagger away gorged and drunk. It will be no pauper's dinner party, I assure you, from which the guest rises sober and ravenous, complaining bitterly of her host's lack of savoir-faire."

  "That's very reassuring. Still, it wouldn't do any harm to ta
ke the matter a little further. When you're making love, approximately how many thrusts can you give before letting go?"

  "I've never even counted. Anyone who can keep track of the number is bound to be of very limited sexual powers. I don't abide by any general rule when I'm making love to a woman, but I can assure you that she receives innumerable thrusts before I stop."

  "Even if you can't remember the number, you must at least remember how long. Approximately how many hours can you last?"

  Vesperus's actual limit was only one hour, but since he wanted the Knave to act for him, he was afraid to admit to so little, lest he give his friend an excuse for backing out, and he felt compelled to add another hour to his performance.

  "I can last a good two hours," he replied. "If I tried to hold out, I daresay I might be able to last for half an hour or more beyond that."

  "That's nothing out of the ordinary," said the Knave. "It doesn't qualify as a very strong performance. Such mediocre ability is ample for everyday sex with your wife, but I'm afraid it would be quite inadequate for a raid on someone else's camp."

  "You're worrying unnecessarily, my good fellow," said Vesperus. "The other day I bought myself an excellent sex tonic. I have no woman at present, so I'm a warrior without a battlefield. But if an assignation can be arranged, I'll take a chance and apply some of it ahead of time. I've no doubt I shall prove to have plenty of endurance."

  "Sex tonics can give you endurance only," said the Knave. "They cannot increase your size or firmness. If a man with a large endowment uses one, he'll be like a gifted graduate taking a ginseng tonic at examination time; in the examination hall his mental powers will naturally be enhanced, and he will be able to express himself well. But if a student with a very small endowment uses one, he'll be no better off than some empty-headed candidate who couldn't produce a line even if he swallowed pounds of the tonic. What's the point of his sitting in an examination cell for three days and nights if all he's doing is holding out regardless of results? Moreover, most such tonics are a swindle. Who knows whether yours will work or not? But I'm not asking whether you've tested it. What I want to know is the size and length of your endowment.