Reaching Nerdvana

by Michael War

  I walked around the crowded sections one more time, and when I couldn’t find Jimmy, I figured he’d probably left and that I should do the same. Maybe I could go to his place, I wondered. Or would that be a bad idea?

  Halfway to my car, I noticed another vehicle’s backseat door open. I continued walking, but out of the corner of my eye, I recognized one of the two people stepping out—Jimmy.

  The three of us stood there, not sure of what to say. The silence allowed my anger to build until I couldn’t take it anymore. I threw my roses at Jimmy, then ran to my car. Or so I thought.

  Instead, I’d actually headed back in the direction of the club, and before I knew it, I was back inside. Seeing the friends apparently more loyal to Jimmy walking toward the door, I made a swift turn into the bathroom. I stumbled to the sink and began splashing water on my face.

  “So, we meet again. How did the roses work out?” a voice said from behind.

  I lifted my eyes to the mirror and saw the supermarket cashier from earlier. I looked at myself and realized my face was all red and my eyes were a bit watery from almost crying.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, walking closer. “Look, I didn’t mean to pry. I just remembered you from earlier and didn’t see the flowers, so I figured…well I don’t know what I figured. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”

  “No, it’s okay. I’m fine. Or I will be. Let’s just say that I gave him the roses, just not in the way I had planned. Now all I want to do is go home, but I might run into him with his—I’m not sure what to call it.”

  He flashed me a different kind of smile than the one from earlier, this one full of concern, which oddly enough provided some comfort. “Would it help if I walked out with you?”

  Even though I didn’t know him, the thought of running into Jimmy was too much to bear, so I agreed.

  “I’m Gunnar, by the way,” he said.

  “Kel. It’s nice to meet you.”

  Gunnar held open the door for me, and we walked out together. As we got closer to the front, Jimmy entered, followed by the backseat guy and all of our friends. I stopped like a deer in the headlights, unsure what to do. Gunnar looked at me, then at them, then took my hand and pulled me in for a quick kiss. I turned around and saw them all with their mouths wide open, so I decided to return the favor to Gunnar.

  I had hoped it would be a nice, long, passionate kiss. In fact, that’s what played out in my mind. But it didn’t happen. Instead, I knocked my teeth against his, which sent Gunnar backward. Though I didn’t look directly at them, I heard snickering at the sight of my epic fail. I didn’t know what else to do, so I ran off again and headed straight home.

  * * * *

  Two A.M. I lay in bed, but couldn’t asleep. I kept tossing and turning, hoping that what had happened had been a dream, that Jimmy hadn’t cheated on me with some random guy in a car, or that my first kiss with Gunnar hadn’t ended so tragically. But they had happened, and my mind wouldn’t stop with the replays. My thoughts first focused on Jimmy, but as the night went on, Gunnar took center stage. I know it’s silly, but I’d felt something when I’d met him at the checkout aisle. The first kiss only proved there was some sort of spark between us.

  The rational thing for me to do would’ve been to go to sleep, and tomorrow simply go on about my business, which meant distracting myself from calling Jimmy. But another part of me wanted to see Gunnar again, to go to the supermarket and discover if something really was there. No, stop it, I thought. It’s just the rebound blues making me do things I’ll regret. Yet, thinking of Gunnar brought a smile to my face, so much so that I calmed down enough to sleep.

  * * * *

  Waking in the morning proved extremely hard. Thank goodness it was the weekend and I didn’t have to work. I felt so sick to my stomach, and it seemed as if every bone in my body hurt. That confused me since I hadn’t done anything out of the ordinary to make my body so sore, but then I realized that the stress from the previous night had likely manifested itself into something more. Hmm, as if I needed more pain.

  Eventually, I forced myself to get up and take a shower. The warm water felt good against the aches and pains, and I got lost in thought thinking about Jimmy. How sometimes he would sneak in and get undressed, then hop into the shower with me and we’d start kissing each other up and down our bodies. My hand wandered down to some place familiar the deeper the fantasy became. But then something strange happened. After a few moments, Jimmy somehow morphed into Gunnar.

  It was now Gunnar kissing me up and down, licking the parts of me that always got me going. It was Gunnar who placed my hand on his sizable member, allowing me to stroke it as he kissed me more. I could almost feel his body against mine as he turned me to give me everything he had. Suddenly, I couldn’t take it anymore, and all the stress from the night before I released onto my shower wall. After cleaning up, I decided I had to see Gunnar. It may not be the right thing to do, but it felt like something I had to do.

  The only problem was that I didn’t know if he was working, and if he was, what time he would be there. Against my better judgment, I went online to see if I could find him on social media. Yes, it seemed kind of stalkerish, but it wasn’t like I planned to print out all his pictures and hang them on my wall. Or put them in a shoebox that I’d hide in the corner of my closet. That would be insane. No, I simply wanted to see if he’d posted anything about his work schedule.

  After typing in the name “Gunnar,” I tried to narrow the field to those who lived close to me. Thankfully, only one possibility came up, and it was him. Just my luck that his profile picture showed him at the beach, wearing small, tight, black swim trunks. His body was impressive, and I could tell he worked hard on it. Man, the things I could do to those nipples. I shook myself back to reality and continued on my mission.

  Gunnar didn’t seem to mind having people look at his profile, since it became clear he posted almost everything for the public to see. A quick scan showed that he was at work, and had checked in a few minutes ago.

  I took a long, deep breath. Yes, I was going to do this, and I figured it was now or never. If I waited, I was bound to lose my nerve. So, I immediately dressed in shorts and a T-shirt, then grabbed my keys and headed out.

  * * * *

  The moment I reached the grocery store, I realized I really didn’t have a plan. I mean, I wanted to talk to Gunnar, but how was I supposed to do that? Just show up in his line? I grabbed a cart and decided to pick up a few things. I made sure to be selective, that way I wouldn’t have any embarrassing items for him to see. I walked around a bit more, then headed to the checkout. I made sure to have less than fifteen items in case Gunnar worked the express lane. But luckily, he worked at a regular lane with only a few people in line. Two of them were guys who couldn’t keep their eyes off him. Not that I could blame them, though.

  I waited my turn behind the pair of thirsty queens trying to get his attention. Be nice. Don’t get all nasty simply because you want to talk to him, too.

  Gunnar didn’t seem to notice me until the guy before me checked out. He gave a small wave and flashed his smile. Internally, I melted. Externally, I tried to stay cool. I waved back and continued putting my stuff on the conveyer belt. The guy ahead of me looked at me with daggers in his eyes, but I ignored him and waited until he was finished.

  “So, we meet again—well, for a second or third time,” Gunnar began.

  “Yeah, looks like it.”

  Gunnar scanned a couple of items. “Some night, though. Too bad you ran off so quickly. Didn’t even dance one song with me.” At first, I thought he was making fun of me, but his face looked sincere. Oh, how I wanted him even more now.

  “Well, can you blame me? I mean, I didn’t leave such a good impression.”

  Gunnar laughed. “Yeah, I get it. But that doesn’t mean the next one would have been as bad.” He winked.

  “Can there still be another one?”

  He took out a paper and pen. “Write your number
on here and I’ll text you after I get off. Then maybe I’ll answer your question.”

  I slyly grabbed the paper and tried as I hard as I could to casually write my number. My hand shook a bit, but I somehow managed to do it. As I slid it to Gunnar, his hand touched mine. We held that moment for a second, locked eye to eye, then looked at the line of people forming behind me. A bunch of guys gave me the same glare as the earlier one, while one older woman gave us a nod of approval.

  Gunnar rang up the rest of my groceries, and I hurried along before the guys waiting unleashed their claws on me. Before I exited the sliding doors, I turned to get a sneak peek at Gunnar from behind. I wasn’t disappointed, but it became a little distracting seeing the next customer trying so hard to flirt with him.

  “Don’t worry, honey,” the older woman said as she passed me by. “The way he looked at you said it all. He isn’t interested in those others.”

  I nodded a “thank you,” then took off before she could see me blush.

  * * * *

  I would’ve loved to say that I hadn’t waited by my phone for Gunnar’s text, and that I’d gone about my normal day, but that would’ve been a big, fat lie. I had my phone with me at all times, and every time it beeped, I leaped into action, hoping it was him. What made it worse was that he hadn’t mentioned what time he’d be out, so I had no idea when he would text.

  When it finally arrived, it was close to 8:30. Still early enough to go out and get a bite to eat, and too early to strictly be a booty call text.

  Gunnar: Hey, you still want to do something?

  Me: Yeah. Got any suggestions?

  Gunnar: How about here?

  He sent a location. My eyes grew wide. That Gunnar would even suggest such a place shocked me, yet excited me also. I had frequented that particular establishment many times, and had been looking for an excuse to go back. Now I had the perfect reason.

  * * * *

  The flashing lights, the loud music, people running around and getting worked up—yep, the arcade was my kind of place. This was my favorite one, since it was close to the college and wasn’t full of twelve to fifteen-year-old’s who could kick my butt at games that have been around longer than they’ve been alive. Honestly, I was surprised that Gunnar chose this location as our first date. He didn’t seem like the gaming type, or at least he didn’t give me that impression.

  “Kel, you came.”

  “Of course, I did,” I replied with a smile.

  Gunnar came in for a hug. He must have gone home to change and shower, since he wore a T-shirt and jeans and not his work outfit. His neck came so close, I couldn’t help but take a whiff of his wonderful cologne. It was so intoxicating that I became a little upset when he finally pulled away.

  “Well, what would you like to do first?” he asked. “We could play some games, or maybe eat something first?”

  “How about we work up our appetite?” I suggested, pointing to one of those dancing video games.

  “You are so on.”

  He took my hand and walked me to the game. I had bought a card earlier just in case he wanted to play games, and I swiped it so we could get started. The screen flashed the three levels to pick from: Beginner, Advanced, and Outta This World. I looked at Gunnar, who flashed one of those “what do you think” type of looks. So Outta This World it was.

  We picked avatars and did a quick Rock-Paper-Scissors game to see who’d go first. Gunnar won, and immediately got on the game board. The moves started out simple enough, then kept getting faster and more complicated. Not that Gunnar noticed. He seemed a natural, and moved with ease as the difficulty increased. I had to admit, I found it hard to keep score with his great butt bouncing up and down to the music.

  After the music stopped, Gunnar got off the pad and motioned for me to give it a try. He was a little sweaty and out of breath, and his shirt clung to his chest. He looked so hot, I was tempted to suggest we skip the games and head directly to my place. But I didn’t want to sound too forward, so I opted to take my turn.

  As I got up on the pad, I tried to figure out how I’d do this. I could just try my best and see if I could beat his score, or I could bomb on purpose. Not to sound too cocky, but I was pretty good at this game. Ultimately, my competitive side took over and I went with the first option. The countdown began and I got ready. Once the music started, I was in the zone, moving my feet to the correct arrows while I threw in some arm movements for a little flair.

  Normally when I play any type of game, I’m so focused that my eyes never leave the screen. But not this time. Halfway through my turn, I got the urge to look at Gunnar. For some reason, I needed to see his cute, freckled face smiling back at me. So, I turned my head and saw him there, smiling and watching. After that, I’m not sure I could explain what happened. All I remember is hitting one foot against the other, then tumbling off the game.

  Under regular circumstances, my face would have turned a darker red than Gunnar’s hair. A fall like that would have made anyone wish they could crawl under a rock and hide from the world. Yet somehow, some way, Gunnar managed to catch me before I hit the ground. I was a little dazed, so it took me a few seconds to realize I was in his strong arms. I saw him staring at me with those beautiful brown eyes, full of concern as he continued to hold me. We stayed locked in each other’s gaze for a few moments, then slowly leaned in closer and closer until our lips finally touched. It was so perfect—no teeth, just his warm, soft lips.

  Little by little, the lights and sounds scattered around us began to melt away, and all that was left were the two of us. We snuck in a few more kisses, then pulled away and placed our foreheads together.

  “Oh, Jimmy,” I sighed.

  My eyes nearly popped out of my head. I couldn’t believe I’d made such a mistake. Jimmy had been the farthest thing from my mind, so much so that I’d blocked his number before I’d left to meet Gunnar.

  Gunnar smiled weakly, then lifted me to my feet and pulled away. He suggested we get a bite eat, then maybe call it a night after that.

  We didn’t really talk much during the rest of our date. We tried, but the awkwardness was too much to ignore. When we were done, Gunnar walked me to my car. I took that as a good sign, and hoped it would lead to another kiss.

  “So, I guess this is goodnight,” I said, unsure of what to add after that, so I figured I’d go in for a hug. Gunnar let me, but it wasn’t like the hug from before. The warmth had vanished, replaced by something colder, more friend-like.

  “Yeah, I had a good time.” Gunnar looked at his feet for few seconds. “Can I be honest with you?”

  “Of course.”

  “Kel, I really like you. I know it seems a bit fast, but I can’t help it. You’re cute, fun, and just a bit nerdy. Totally my type. But I was so excited about going out with you that I completely ignored the fact that you just broke up with your boyfriend. I want to be with you, Kel, but not as a rebound guy.”

  “Look, if it’s about what happened—”

  “Kel, you still have feelings for him. And that’s okay and perfectly normal. As much as I want to see where this goes, it just doesn’t feel like the right time.”

  I wanted to tell him he was wrong, that he wouldn’t be a rebound. I wanted to kiss him and bring back that spark. But I didn’t. I just let Gunnar say his piece, then give me another hug before fading into the parking lot. I got in my car and sat for a few moments, still stunned at the way things had turned out.

  I probably would’ve stayed there longer, but the security guard came to my car and asked if I needed help. I shook my head, then turned on the engine and drove away. This was the first time I’d ever left an arcade feeling so down.

  * * * *

  Other than work, I’d not gone out for days. I stayed in my little hole glued to my computer screen. If I got hungry, I’d simply order takeout. If I got lonely, I’d call an old friend or log on to one of the many places where I could anonymously chat with others. My favorite was New Life, once a very po
pular 3D virtual world where people would go, create a different persona for themselves, and connect with others that had similar interests. In a way it was a cross between Second Life and World of Warcraft, since it also allowed you to go on quests with your friends.

  In its heyday, New Life was expansive. You could visit a museum, dance at a club (which I found more tolerable than in real life), or even find a haunted village that someone meticulously created. Now, they weren’t as lavish as the MMORPG’s that existed, but that wasn’t the point. Over time, the thrill went away, although New Life still had its own loyal following.

  The best worlds were the ones that built castles, wizard spaces, and other fantastic fantasy architectures. It was quite thrilling, well, at least to me. How many times in your life can you say that you walked into an old medieval pub and talked to a knight, a wizard, and a dragon? The time people spent in these places was incredible, and I could always find someone who shared my love of all things nerdy to talk with.

  But of course, there were other reasons people went, ones I was kind of afraid to try. Some worlds, even the ones I would visit, would have special places where people could meet up and do more than just talk. These were special rooms with specific commands that allowed avatars to hook up with each other, you know, just in case they wanted to take their chats to the next level. I’d been curious about these places, especially since one of my fantasies was to be ravished by a brute with a huge sword, but even when I was single, I didn’t dare go into any of them. It’s silly, but the idea of being caught always overpowered my curiosity.

  But not today.

  Today was a particularly low day for me. I kept replaying everything that had happened in such a short amount of time. Jimmy getting out of the backseat with that guy, then walking with him hand in hand. The kiss with Gunnar and the massive miss—I still cringed at the sound of our teeth knocking together—then him pulling back while placing his hand over his mouth.

  Then there was that date. I should have stayed. I should have tried again. I could have even returned to the store to see him. But no, in my mind, the moment had been lost, and the fact I was nothing but an awkward nerd who never knew the right thing to do made its way front and center.