Reaching Nerdvana

by Michael War

  It hit me that I seemed more upset about Gunnar than about Jimmy, but I couldn’t help it. That first kiss, as brief as it was, had lit a spark in me. Plus, I’d felt it again at the arcade. But I’d ruined everything. Why on Earth did I have to say Jimmy’s name? Where the heck had that come from?

  So today, I’d needed an escape from reality, which is why I’d turned to New Life. If I tried to kiss someone, it would go as planned. No awkward teeth-gnashing, no worries of bad breath, just some hot action. Although instead of being with a guy from the bar or the grocery store, it’d be with a knight from the pub or even some hunky avatar wandering around some carefully recreated beach.

  It had been almost a year since I’d last logged in, but I still remembered my avatar’s name: Spencer Moonlight. Yes, it was corny, but I liked it.

  Once in, I pulled up the options for my avatar to give him a fresh new look. Body-wise, I kept it pretty much close to real life, with broad shoulders, big pecs, and a nice bubble butt. I even kept the glasses, since I felt they were a part of me. The biggest difference was the amount of ink I put on my avatar. I didn’t have any tattoos or a shaved head, but I covered Spencer’s chest from shoulder to shoulder with a dragon and shaved his head completely clean. If this avatar were flesh and blood, I’d definitely want to have him in my bed, and I figured other guys would, too.

  Trying to hook up, I decided to go full He-Man-esque and wear a skimpy chest strap, furry briefs and boots, and a sword on my back. I also added a helmet to compliment the look. Once satisfied, I sent myself to the one fantasy pub where I knew I could find someone with whom to play out my innermost desires.

  It’s amazing how strong I felt when I didn’t have to face actual people. They always looked at me, even if not right in front of me, because they viewed me from their perspective. As my avatar, I circled the room just as I would’ve done in any other pub or club, then settled at a table dead center in the middle of the room. After all, I wanted to make sure everyone would see me in all my furry-briefed and inked glory.

  I had a specific type in mind for this encounter. I figured since it was a fantasy, I could make it any way I wanted. A few people hit me up, mostly goblins, a couple of trolls, and a wizard. But I wanted a dark, evil-looking knight, one who defined the word “danger.” I’d been chatting with a few princes when in walked exactly what I’d been seeking: Darius Bloodraven.

  His avatar was stunning—tall, muscular, ink down his arms and one of his legs, and wearing as little as possible, only black furry briefs, and boots similar to mine. But his helmet made the outfit—all black, with two horns sticking out of the top. Even through the computer screen, I could feel this bad boy’s energy shooting right at me.

  In real life, I would’ve waited for him to approach. But in New Life, I took it upon myself to become the aggressor.

  “Greetings,” I typed in the private message window.

  “Why, hello, there,” he responded. “I love the look. I was just on my way to talk to you. How old are you?”

  “Twenty-three, and you?”

  “Twenty-four. Seems like a perfect fit.”

  “Are you sure all you want to do is talk?” I’d never been this bold, but what did I have to lose?

  “You read my mind.”

  We found a room in the back that had the scripts we needed, and started the role-playing. But first, he suggested we switch the microphones. I was hesitant at first, but also intrigued.

  “Get on all fours,” he commanded.

  I loved his deep and in-control voice. I did as he ordered and clicked the button that put me into position.

  He walked his avatar to me. “Do you want to feel me inside you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Yes, what?”

  “Yes, sir, I do.”

  Now, I know that an avatar really couldn’t do this, so I used my mind to fill in the blanks of what happened on screen and in the chat.

  * * * *

  In my mind…

  “But first let’s see if you are worthy,” Darius said.

  As he spoke, he tore off my furry briefs, then slapped the side of my ass. He raised his hand again and gave me another, then another, until my cheek looked nice and red. I bit my lip with each slap, making sure I didn’t scream. But it wasn’t pain I felt, but excitement and desire. I wanted more, and I knew Darius would be the one to give it to me.

  He rubbed his hand over the red marks, then circled my hole with his fingers. He lifted his helmet, carefully making sure not to completely reveal his face, then licked his fingers before returning them to my hole. Most people start with just one, but Darius started with two. He slid his long, monstrous fingers inside, spreading them a bit before closing them. He did this a few more times before pushing them further inside, deep enough to elicit a moan.

  He pulled them out, then thrust them in again, starting slow, then picking up speed. By now, I wanted to touch my rock-hard cock, but Darius wouldn’t let me.

  “Not yet, not until you’re ready.” He stopped fingering me and lifted his helmet again to reveal a long, flickering tongue. The thought of it touching my hole made me tense in delight, and Darius wasted no time getting to it. His tongue felt so nice as it circled ‘round and ‘round before pushing inside, flickering back and forth with wild abandon. Again, I wanted to touch myself, but Darius insisted it wasn’t time yet.

  His tongue stayed on my hole for a bit longer, dashing back and forth, then circling around. By now, I ached for him to take me, to pleasure me, to use me, to destroy me. I was his for the taking, and he didn’t waste time displaying his dominance.

  “Are you sure you’re ready?” Darius asked.

  “Yes, sir, I am.”

  “Good. Now let’s get you into position.”

  Darius took off his briefs and revealed a nice, long cock. He got to his knees again and placed his huge member on my crack, rubbing it up and down a few times before targeting it on my hole.

  “Yes, I do think you are worthy,” he proclaimed.

  He licked his hand, then lubed his cock with saliva. I took a deep breath as he pushed inside. His hips moved back and forth, plunging deeper into me. By this time, my cock dripped with anticipation, waiting for the magic moment he’d let me touch myself and enjoy our tryst even more.

  “Are you ready?” he asked.

  “Yes, sir, I am.”

  “Touch yourself and come when I do,” he commanded.

  I finally grabbed hold of my throbbing piece. The pulsing felt so good in my hand as Darius continued to work on me, moving faster and faster until we both couldn’t take it anymore. With one final thrust, he thrust his cock as deep as it could go, grunting in delight as his come gushed out from him. Seconds later, I came as well, spreading myself on the floor in front of me.

  * * * *

  Back to reality…

  While the majority of what went on had been in my mind, the commands Darius had given were exact, which added to the fantasy. If it wasn’t for him, the whole thing would’ve been us watching two avatars bumping back and forth into each other. But his words and command of the situation made it into something much, much more. The fact that he’d used some sort of distorter to deepen his voice hadn’t ruined anything; in fact, it may have helped keep this strictly fantasy.

  I now realized why so many people enjoyed this aspect of New Life. Darius suggested we get cleaned up, then talk about when we’d meet again. I couldn’t help but smile at the endless possibilities.

  * * * *

  While the majority of our meet-ups proved just as intense as the first, we also had non-sexual encounters sprinkled into the mix. And I looked forward to every one of them. For example, Darius suggested we go to a few museums to look at how they recreated the works of art. Another time he wanted to sit at a regular café and have virtual coffee together. It turned out we had a lot more in common than I’d originally thought.

  For starters, in real life, we both lived in the same area, and enjoyed a lot o
f the same TV shows and movies. As much as I enjoyed the cyber-sex, the conversation was just as good. But one thing kept creeping up every now and then when I’d talk to Darius—

  Gunnar.

  When I pictured Darius and I having sex in real life, Gunnar’s face came to mind. His hands and body pressed up against mine, his tongue using my body as a map to explore, and almost every part of me hoped it would be him in cyber-space. But it couldn’t be, or at least it would be unlikely. Gunnar would probably run far away and even block me from ever chatting with him again.

  Yet even without Gunnar’s face, I still enjoyed my time with Darius. He seemed kind and smart, his voice oddly comforting—well, when he wasn’t commanding me to touch myself or play with my hole. But something about Darius seemed familiar, something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I just chalked that feeling up to my imagination, since Darius was unlike anyone I’d ever met in real life.

  * * * *

  One day, after I got home and logged in, I saw an email from Darius, asking if I’d meet him at a “virtual carnival” that someone had set up on one of their lands. Apparently, it contained a lot of rides that I wouldn’t normally go on in real life, so I thought, why not? We were dressed in normal clothes this time, no furry briefs or helmets with horns, which made this outing seem more like a date than usual.

  It was nice, walking around looking at all the rides, and even going on a few. Darius found a script that allowed us to hold hands, making this the perfect evening. After wandering around for a while, we found a bench and sat to eat some virtual cotton candy.

  “Spencer, I have something I want to ask you?”

  “Sure, go for it,” I replied.

  “I think we should try to meet in person.”

  His request stunned me. I had thought about it before, but I wasn’t ready to do it, especially since I felt comfortable in this little world we’d set up for ourselves.

  “Are you there? Did your Internet go out? Can you hear me?” Darius called.

  I realized I needed to say something, so I pretended that somehow my headset got pulled out.

  “Oh, okay,” he responded. “So, what do you think?”

  “I think it’s a great idea. Let’s do it.”

  Although I’d said the words, I wasn’t entirely sure. What if I did something awkward like I did with Gunnar? Or what if my personality turned him off the way it did with Jimmy? But it was too late. I’d said the words, and now this would move forward. Canceling would be a “jerk move,” and Darius seemed too damn sweet for me to even consider doing that, so like it or not, I would meet him in person.

  * * * *

  Darius and I didn’t talk for a few days. We only exchanged a few texts with the details of our meetup. So many questions came up, with so many more decisions than I realized. Would we meet in public or private? If public, for dinner or just coffee? Maybe a movie? Should we also prepare for a “let’s rip our clothes off right now” moment? This was getting serious, and it started to make me nervous.

  We eventually decided to meet at a coffee shop. Though we felt comfortable online, the idea that something could not be quite right bothered me, so to reduce those chances, a “public meeting” seemed better. A movie was out, because we couldn’t talk. As for the sex, we decided to play it by ear and see where the night went.

  A couple of hours before the meetup, I still hadn’t decided what I wanted to wear. I actually went shopping for new stuff, including a green jockstrap that I planned to wear as a nice surprise for Darius. He seemed like the “rip your underwear off” type of guy, so I figured this would also make it a bit easier for him.

  I also bought a couple of dressy shirts, and some plain T’s that didn’t have any cartoon characters on them. I even brought out the contacts I used every now and then. Everything looked great, yet outside of the jock, nothing seemed right. Nothing felt like me. At that moment, seeing everything laid out on the bed brought me back to the night where I’d caught Jimmy cheating. The words he’d said about me still being a child, how Mark had always tried to tell him I was a nerdy loser, and, of course, that kiss with Gunnar, still haunted the corners of my mind.

  But I was a nerd, and no matter what anyone did to change me, I would always be one. And that was okay, because that was me.

  So, I hung up the new clothes and pulled out one of my favorite T-shirts and a comfortable pair of jeans and went to take a shower. Afterward, I fixed my hair just right, still giving the impression that I cared about my appearance. After getting dressed, I put on my glasses and left. Darius would see the real me, and if that wasn’t good enough, that was okay. There would have to be someone out there who liked me for me; all I had to do was go out and look.

  * * * *

  I arrived at the coffee house a little early, white carnation in hand. That was how we’d agreed to identify each other. I was a bit nervous, since I really didn’t know what to expect. Would Darius look like his avatar, or completely different? I wasn’t expecting someone with a big horned helmet, but how close to his avatar would he be? And would it matter?

  It suddenly occurred to me that we had never exchanged real names, or even asked what the other looked like. What on Earth am I doing? This was crazy. I could have left, but I was too intrigued. I liked being a bit submissive in real life, but the stuff we role-played was beyond what I was used to, and I wondered if that would translate to real life. The idea both scared and titillated me.

  It had been about ten minutes—which in “gay time” is usually “on time”—but no Darius. I decided to go to the counter and get some tea or something to calm my nerves. I still had the carnation in my hand in case Darius walked in. As I got closer, I heard the ding of the door, and turned. Yet it wasn’t Darius standing there—it was Gunnar.

  I hadn’t seen him since that awful night. I felt so bad about what had happened that I’d even started shopping at another store to avoid seeing him. I guess I could’ve avoided his aisle, but I knew myself. I would’ve tried to look at him every chance I got.

  We stood there for a few moments, both unsure of what to do. I lifted my hand to wave, and smiled. For a few seconds, my meeting with Darius took a back seat to Gunnar. He didn’t move. He just stayed there. I wasn’t sure if I should step forward, but I didn’t have to, because Gunnar turned and walked out.

  So that was that. Even if I’d had enough courage to go up to him, Gunnar wasn’t interested. So much so that he’d practically fled. Forget the tea, I needed a frappe. I got one with extra whip cream and sat down.

  Two frappes and one stress muffin later, I still sat by myself. Many people had come in and gone out, but no one with a carnation. Or at least, no one that came up to me with one. I had to believe that Darius had stood me up since I didn’t get a text or call about him being late. Two rejections in one hour’s time. Nice.

  I exited the coffee shop, and out of the corner of my eye, saw a carnation on the ground. So Darius had been there. He just hadn’t wanted to be there with me.

  * * * *

  I found myself lost, adrift in two worlds in which I felt I didn’t belong. Even a world that was part of my own imagination didn’t want me there. Now, all I did was go home after work and watch TV. That used to be my joy, but now it was all I had. Even the gym was losing its luster. I used to love going, but now I stayed away, too afraid to face anyone.

  After a few days, I was dying for contact, any type, and that’s when it happened. I was on my couch, going through a pint of cookie dough ice cream, when my phone buzzed. Other than my mom or my siblings, I hadn’t expected anyone to really contact me. I hadn’t reached out to any of my friends, so I figured it couldn’t have been them.

  It was Jimmy. He wanted to talk. His text said that he missed me and needed to see me. My head screamed no! but my broken heart hoped for a chance to make that connection I once had with him. So, I messaged him, saying I wanted to see him, too. He replied that he’d be over in an hour. I got up and did a few pushups to p
ump up my arms and chest, then took a shower.

  Afterward, other than shave and fix my hair, I decided against putting on something other than a T-shirt and jeans. I didn’t want Jimmy to think I was trying too hard to impress him. Killing minutes before Jimmy’s arrival, I picked up a little in the living room, kitchen, and bedroom. I hadn’t realized how much junk had accumulated, as well as dishes and assorted papers. After I finished, the place looked presentable.

  As I gathered up the last of the clothes from the floor, the doorbell rang. I threw what I had in my hands into the closet, then looked through the peephole, seeing Jimmy standing there, waiting to come back to me. I took a deep breath and opened the door.

  “Hey,” he said as he walked in.

  “Hey.” I felt a bit of tension in the air, and neither of us seemed to know how to immediately break it. “Would you like to sit down?”

  Jimmy nodded and sat on the couch. I settled at the opposite end. More silence followed. It seemed like we both wanted to speak, but neither of us could think of the words.

  I got up and started toward the kitchen. “I’m gonna get some water. Do you want anything?”

  Although he didn’t respond, I opened the fridge and grabbed two bottles of water anyway. When I closed it, I found Jimmy standing behind the door. He didn’t say a word, only pulled me to him.

  “I missed you so much, Kel,” he said as he squeezed me. “I’m so sorry about what happened. I know it’s not an excuse, but I was just so upset that I let that guy convince me that you and I were over. I let him get the better of me, but if you take me back, I’ll never let it happen again.” He slid his hands down to my rear. “Please, Kel,” he whispered in my ear. “I need to know that you forgive me.”

  His hot breath on my ear brought back so many feelings, ones that weren’t entirely unwelcome. We began to kiss, slowly but passionately, and soon made our way to my bedroom.

  “I’m hoping this means you forgive me,” Jimmy said between kisses.