Nevermore, Dude

by L. J. Hamlin

  “I’m not a brainless jock,” Chris says softly.

  Jamie is confused. “I wasn’t implying you were.”

  He’d thought they’d found some common ground. Maybe it was too soon to make a joke.

  “I know what people think because of the way I speak. Because I call people dude and bro I can’t like books.” Chris kicks his shoes off, looking frustrated.

  Jamie has two choices: lie and say he never thinks that or be honest and explain.

  “I guess I have thought that, and I know it’s wrong. I hate when people make assumptions about me because of, like, drama club or my hair. But I’ve been doing that, too, to you. I don’t mean it. It’s just most jocks I’ve met have been pretty shitty about me reading,” Jamie says honestly.

  “I’m sorry people have been like that, and I guess, to tell the truth, I’ve been making assumptions, too,” Chris admits.

  Jamie puts his book down. “Can we start again?”

  “What? Like a do-over?” Chris suggests.

  Jamie nods. “Not saying you have to be my new best friend, but we can try to get along better. Our sisters are clearly going to be friends for life, so maybe we should get used to being around each other.”

  “That actually sounds like a good idea.” Chris nods.

  “You can borrow my book, if you like,” Jamie says as an ice breaker.

  “Cool. I might. I’d offer to lend you my football, but you don’t like sports.”

  “Actually,” Jamie breaks off, not sure he should spill the beans.

  Chris catches his eye when he tries to hide. “What? You can tell me.”

  “I actually like sports, including football. I just don’t get to play it often.” Jamie isn’t sure he’s making the right choice, but he decides to go for it. If Chris turns out to be an asshole after all, Jamie will ask to switch rooms.

  Chris looks confused. “Then why don’t you play any? Sorry. Is that rude? Like, if you have a disability, that’s none of my business.”

  “I’m not disabled. Disabled people can play sports, by the way. But um, yeah, I don’t play because most teams don’t want a queer on them.” Jamie holds his breath waiting for a reaction.

  Chris face is blank. “You’re gay?”

  “Yes. Is that a problem?”

  “No. I’m bisexual, so it’d be weird if I were phobic.” Chris shrugs like it’s no big deal.

  Jamie is shocked. “But you play football?”

  “Yeah, it hasn’t been easy. My team is pretty great, but when we play against others, and they’ve found out, I get a lot of shit,” Chris explains.

  “A bi football player? I guess we have more in common than I thought. I thought you were my opposite. Mr. All-American, handsome football star. Mr. Perfect. And then me, the weird, gay drama kid with piercings and tattoos and blue hair.” Jamie is so surprised, the words just flow out.

  “The blue hair is cool. I remember you as a little kid, mousy brown hair. The blue suits you more, and I’m not so perfect.” Chris smiles and Jamie’s stomach does a somersault.

  “We should go meet our families for dinner, but I promise to stop being so standoffish,” Jamie says, standing up, suddenly worried that he might be heading towards a crush.

  “Maybe tonight you won’t sit as far away from me as you can get. We can start learning who we really are, instead of thinking we’re so different just because of the way we look and the activities we do,” Chris says, and he doesn’t sound mean when he’s pointing out that Jamie had been avoiding him at meal times, something that Jamie had thought he was being subtle about.

  “I won’t avoid you anymore.”

  They both get ready and head for the dining hall, and for the first time, Jamie sits beside Chris. He can feel the warmth of Chris arm against his, and maybe this was really why he’d avoided being close to Chris. It’s too easy to be attracted to him, even when he thought he might be an ass, but now he knows he’s not, well, Jamie is going to have to fight to keep his lust in check.

  Chapter 4

  The bonfire is crackling in the darkness, and Chris is looking across the flames to where Jamie is standing talking with Cassy. His parents had just left, and Chris knows Cassy is trying to get Jamie to let her have alcohol. He’s wearing a hoodie pushed up to his elbows, showing off his broad arms, and black jeans that are just tight enough to show off his long legs, and Chris sighs. He has it bad. He’d thought Jamie was hot when he saw him on the first day of this holiday, but now, two weeks in, having spent the last week actually talking with Jamie, he’s finding himself with a big crush.

  Kelly sits down beside him and elbows him. “He’s single, you know. I asked Cassy.”

  “He’s my friend. Doesn’t matter if he’s single,” Chris lies, the heat of the fire makes the skin of his face feel tight, but he doesn’t look away for relief, too caught up in Jamie’s face as he bargains with Cassy.

  Kelly blows a raspberry. “I do know you. I know how you are with a crush. I see how you look at him.”

  “So he’s cute, and I have eyes. Doesn’t mean I’m crushing,” Chris says, watching as Jamie takes a drink, and the hot feeling grows in his stomach and chest when he watches Jamie swallow his drink and his throat bob.

  “Oh, no. No crush at all,” Kelly says sarcastically, watching him.

  “He’s hot, and out of my league. He’s smart, a straight A student who can also play football? Did you know he volunteers at a charity, teaching drama to kids? I’m just me.” Chris groans. He’s never wanted someone so different than him, a guy that goes to pride instead of trying to balance being out but not overly known as bisexual.

  Kelly frowns. “I never thought you had low self-esteem, bro. He’s a catch, yeah, but so are you. All my friends call you foxy Fox, even Cassy. And you’ll never know if you don’t do something about it.”

  “And if I do make a move and he rejects me, I have two weeks more of pure awkwardness as I share a cabin with him,” Chris points out.

  “Change cabins? Do you want to spend two weeks pining, only to spend the rest of your life regretting not doing anything?”

  “When did you get so wise?” Chris asks. He’s impressed. Kelly has always been smart, but she’s sixteen. She shouldn’t be more sensible about how to react to a crush than he is, but then, age doesn’t have a lot to do with maturity.

  “Always. You just never noticed. Now do something!” Kelly orders.

  Chris bites his lip. “Like what?”

  “Go have sweaty man sex?”

  “Kelly!” Chris says, shocked.

  “What? You’re allo, not a virgin, and you want him. Okay, go for a walk and tell him you like him,” Kelly suggests.

  “Talking. I can do talking. Don’t stay up too late.” Chris hugs Kelly, hoping she knows that he’s grateful for her intervention. If she hasn’t called him out, he would have sat brooding all night.

  Chris gets up and heads over to Cassy and Jamie.

  “Hey, Cassy, can I steal your brother for a minute?” Chris asks.

  “Okay. He’s being no fun. I’ll go hang out with Kelly.” Cassy nudges her brother and then leaves.

  “Everything okay?” Jamie asks.

  Chris doesn’t want to talk here around people, so he starts with a small lie. “I’m a bit too hot. I was going to go for a walk. Come with?”

  “Yeah, I could use a breather.” Jamie nods.

  They walk away from the bonfire, down the path, through the trees, and Chris doesn’t even try to speak till they are by the lake with its fun electrical lights, far away from the fire and noise of people.

  “Are you okay? You seem quiet,” Jamie says.

  Chris sits next to him, folding his legs. “I’m nervous,” Chris blurts out.

  Jamie looks confused. “Why? We’re friends, right? You can tell me anything.”

  Chris covers his face with his hands. He doesn’t think Jamie could be a nicer guy. Yeah, he’s made assumptions about Chris to start, assumed he was a nasty joc
k, but Chris had fallen foul of stereotyping, too. And yeah, they’re opposites in lots of ways, but they like a lot of the same stuff, too, and Chris really hopes liking the same stuff extends to having compatible taste in men.

  “I have a crush on you,” Chris says in a rush.

  Jamie is silent for a long time, then, “Oh.”

  “Is that a good oh or a bad oh?” Chris asks, wondering if he’ll be needing to pack up his things and change cabins.

  “This isn’t just some cruel joke, is it?” Jamie sounds like he’s in the verge of heartbreak, and Chris wants to kill whoever hurt him before to make him ask that. Because Chris is pretty sure it’s not because Jamie thinks badly of him and more because he’s been burned before.

  Chris takes Jamie’s hand loosely so Jamie can pull away if he wants to, but he doesn’t, and it gives Chris hope. “You’re my friend. I’d never hurt you on purpose, and if I did by mistake, I’d really hate myself. I know I’m not like you. I hide in the shadows, but if you liked me back and wanted to try something different than friendship, I wouldn’t hide that. I’d be proud for people to know.”

  Chris feels like he’s underwater, waiting for a breath of air, waiting for Jamie to respond.

  “You shouldn’t beat yourself up for not being as out as other people. It’s not a contest. You’d be amazing even if you weren’t out at all,” Jamie says softly.

  “You think I’m amazing? Does that mean you’d be open to something romantic?” Chris doesn’t want to get his hopes up.

  Jamie leans against him so the cold can’t get between their bodies. “How about you kiss me, and we see now that goes?”

  Chris doesn’t have to be asked twice. He takes his free hand and cups Jamie’s jaw and leans in and presses his lips to Jamie’s. It’s slightly clumsy at first. They don’t line up perfectly, but then Jamie moves a little, and it’s like everything falls into place. Chris slides his hand over the shaved side of Jamie’s head as their kiss deepens.

  He can feel the slightest roughness under his hand from the hair regrowing, and he slides his hand into the long, soft, blue mess to help change the angle of the kiss. Jamie all but crawls into Chris lap, and before Chris knows it, he’s been pushed back so he’s lying on the dock, back against cool wood as he unfolds his legs and lets them tangle with Jamie’s. They make out for long minutes before the nagging need for an answer, for confirmation beyond this kiss, and Chris breaks the kiss, looking up at Jamie lying on top of him.

  “Do you want to try dating? Like, we have two weeks. By then we should know if it’s a summer fling or if it’ll be worth travelling between our colleges to keep things going,” Chris says, and he knows he’s giving away that he’s put a lot of thought into this.

  Jamie reaches out and traces Chris’ lower lip, and it makes Chris shiver and flush hot at the same time. “I want to try, just let’s take this slow, okay? I don’t want to mess this up. I don’t want to waste time either, but yeah, let’s take it slow?”

  “We can go as slow as you like, but maybe we should go back to the party, because alone on a moonlit dock by the water is kind of romantic and asking for trouble,” Chris suggests.

  “Okay. One more kiss?”

  They fall into another kiss, and this time it’s Jamie who calls a stop to it, standing up and offering his hand to help Chris up. They walk back to the party hand in hand and sit by the fire together, drinking beer in the warm glow.

  Chapter 5

  Sitting on the edge of his bed, Jamie can’t help watching Chris pull a fresh T-shirt on. It’s been three days since their first kiss, and they’ve been going slow. Jamie is getting a little frustrated by his own suggestion to take things slow. Sharing a room with Chris is probably the biggest test of self-control Jamie has ever had.

  “Like what you see?” Chris asks with a cheeky smile as he flexes his muscles. It feels so good to be teased by Chris. He’s not mean with it to anybody. Even people he doesn’t like, he’s not cruel to. He’s the opposite of the football types Jamie had grown used to.

  Jamie smiles. “What do you think? But I’m not stroking your ego.”

  “I’d rather you stroke something else,” Chris says in a low sexy voice that makes Jamie feel hot all over, but then Chris starts giggling.

  “Oh, man, did I just say that? Feel free to slap me.”

  “Didn’t make me want to slap you,” Jamie says, getting up and walking the small distance separating them and putting a hand on Chris hip, a touch they had agreed was welcome any time when discussing boundaries over the past few days.

  “What did it make you want to do,” Chris asks, no longer laughing, his gaze serious and steady as he meets Jamie’s eyes with his and puts a hand on Jamie’s arm.

  Jamie glanced at Chris mouth. “Made me want to kiss you.”

  “Yeah?” Chris says in a gravelly voice, and he’s moving closer when the door flies open and they jump apart.

  “Your sisters! Come quick,” Richard Lee says, clearly out of breath.

  Panic shoots through Jamie instantly. “Are they hurt?”

  “No. Just quick.” Richard turns, and Jamie doesn’t have to think twice. He follows, and he can see Chris out the corner of his eye doing the same.

  Jamie runs along behind Richard, expecting to find some kind of accident. Instead, he’s led to a circle of people watching Cassy and Kelly hitting Gary the creep with tennis rackets as he yelps. Jamie runs forward with Chris, and they break things up, each pulling their sister away.

  “What happened?” Jamie asks.

  “He slapped our butts,” Cassy says, clearly upset and furious, and Jamie doesn’t blame her. She’s just been assaulted along with her friend.

  Jamie is tempted to let Cassy go back to hitting Gary or do some damage himself. Instead, he grabs Gary so he can’t get away.

  “Someone get the camp manager, now,” Jamie says in his most not-to-be-argued-with voice.

  A few people run off, saying they’ll get her. Chris wraps his arms around Kelly and Cassy, comforting both girls.

  “I was just complimenting their game,” Gary tries to excuse what he’s done, pulling away from Jamie, who tightens his grip on Gary’s arm.

  “I know what you were just doing,” Jamie growls, and he’s never been so angry, not even when he was being bullied in school or harassed in public for the way he looks. Cassy is his little sister, but it’s not only that; it’s Gary trying to use his position to abuse women that disgusts Jamie.

  The camp director comes and looks shocked to see Gary being held as he is.

  “What’s going on here?” she demands to know.

  “He touched our asses,” Kelly says, her hand clenching angrily in Chris’ shirt.

  “Gary? Do you have anything to say for yourself?” the director asks, and Jamie is glad she doesn’t question if it’s true.

  Gary flushes. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  “Right. Office, now. Girls, please go get your parents. I’ll be calling the police,” the director says firmly. Gary pales and starts struggling, so Jamie gets him in a headlock.

  The director asks Jamie to help her bring Gary to her office, and Jamie happily drags Gary to the office. Soon an officer is called, and Kelly and Cassy are explaining what happened to everyone. Chris stands beside Jamie while it happens, and Jamie can feel the anger coming off him in waves.

  Gary is taken away, and they’re told Cassy and Kelly will need to come to the station, but the officer seems confident that Gary will be charged. Jamie watches his parents hug his sister, and he joins them. He knows things like this happen every day, but he’d hoped Cassy would never be one of the many, many women to face assault. They stay together for a long time, two families going through this together. It’s late when Jamie and Chris go back to their cabin.

  “Do you think they’ll be okay?” Chris asks as they start changing into their sleep clothes.

  Jamie grabs some shorts. He’s still so tense. “I hope so. Fuck, I wanted to prot
ect Cassy from this, and I know it’s not about me. She’s been sexually assaulted and by someone she should have been able to trust. It’s just she’s fifteen, and she sees the good in everyone. I hate that some creep might have taken that from her.”

  Chris comes to him and wraps him up in a bear hug.

  “I know how you feel. Kelly means so much to me, and Cassy is like another sister. I want them both to never see the ugly side of the world. I’m glad they got a cop who took it seriously. I know that’s not always the case. Guess it helped that our families are lawyers,” Chris says, hooking his chin over Jamie’s shoulder.

  “The camp and the cops would get sued to hell and back if they mess this up. I’m glad for that, too. So many people don’t get justice,” Jamie says, hugging Chris tight.

  “I know we’re taking it slow, but can we share a bed tonight? I don’t think my brain will stop racing without help,” Chris says softly.

  Jamie kisses Chris back lightly. “Let’s push our beds together. More room.”

  They move things around and put the beds together and finish getting ready for bed. Then in shorts and T-shirts, they get into bed together for the first time. It’s not sexual, though. It’s about comfort. Jamie tries to think of ways to help Cassy and Kelly feel better. He knows they’re strong, but a trauma is a trauma, no matter who you are.

  They talk late into the night and never do more than kiss.

  Chapter 6

  It’s getting closer to the end of camp. The month he had dreaded is passing by way too fast for Chris’ liking. He’s talked to Kelly about it, and he knows she plans to keep in touch with Cassy and see her again and not only if the case against Gary goes to trial and they have to go to court. There’s a lot of talk about him pleading guilty to get a reduced sentence.

  Chris wants to keep seeing Jamie. He finds himself feeling sick at the thought of not seeing Jamie again. Today they’ve gone into the woods together for a romantic picnic. And Chris is hoping he gets up the guts to talk about what’s been on his mind.

  “Here.” Jamie offers him a glossy red strawberry, and Chris leans forward and takes it between his lips, letting his tongue flick out and trail over Jamie’s finger.