Married...With Twins!

by Jennifer Mikels

  Exhausted but happy, Val laughed at her grandfather’s unrestrained comments. “I thought I’d puke when Charlene started bawling and sniffling. She should have gone into acting.”

  “I never doubted the outcome,” Neil assured Luke, patting him on the back.

  Val wished she had felt so certain, but she’d been racked with fear..

  “It’s been a terribly long day,” Irene said, suddenly beside Val. She scanned the table bearing cups, plates and forks. “I see my sheet cake is a big hit. I have another one in the kitchen.” She looked at Val then. “We also need some more cookies. Would you help me?”

  “Of course.” Val followed her, and took over the task of placing more cookies on one of Irene’s crystal serving plates.

  “I can’t tell you how pleased I am, Valerie. I’d hoped that when you and Lucas decided to battle Charlene for the twins that meant you were truly together again.”

  Val raised her head slowly to meet her mother-in-law’s eyes and saw Luke standing in the doorway.

  Astonishment edged his voice. “You knew that we-”

  His mother swung a gentle smile on him. “Did you think I wouldn’t notice?” Her attention went back to Val. “I was there when Kelly died. I saw the two of you. The world shattered for both of you that night.” Looking down, she sliced a fancy decorated chocolate cake. “But I kept hoping you’d work out your problems.”

  Luke read the unspoken question in Val’s eyes. How many other people had they thought they’d fooled who’d guessed that they weren’t the town’s most perfect married couple?

  “I’ll take the cake into the other room. Will you bring the cookies, Valerie?” she asked, and touched Luke’s arm in passing.

  Val wondered if she was gaping. “Yes, I’ll bring them.”

  A grin curved a corner of Luke’s mouth. “Guess I’d better not quit my day job and try acting.”

  An easy smile sprang to Val’s lips. “Me, either.” She rounded the table and stepped into Luke’s arms.

  “Enjoying yourself?” he asked against her lips.

  “More now,” she murmured. Tenderly his hand coursed down her arm. It was with the kind of ease that conveyed a deeper intimacy than simply sex. Val pressed her cheek against his. “I plan to later, too,” she whispered in his ear.

  It was nearly dusk when Luke unlocked their door Like her, he seemed to want to linger over the girls. Taking their time, they read stories before tucking the girls in for a quick nap before dinner.

  Reality still hadn’t settled over her, Val realized. She felt as if she needed a pinch to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. They had won the right to raise the twins as their own. She and Luke were their parents now. “I feel wonderful,” she said softly as she glanced back from the bedroom doorway at the sleeping girls. “I guess I was afraid to believe.”

  Luke caught her at the waist as they descended the steps. So much time had passed since he’d seen her face glowing with such happiness. “I told you everything would be all right.”

  “Yes, I know,” she said distractedly, spotting a toy on a step. “But you said the same thing before, about Kelly and-” Bent over, picking up the toy block, she realized what she’d just done. She wished for the moment back. Why had she even mentioned that night? She wanted them to be happy, to celebrate, to love. She wanted nothing to spoil the joy they’d been feeling. Too late, she realized, tilting a look up at him. There was no smile in his eyes anymore.

  Letting her go, he stepped back. What he’d dreaded most was upon them again. Foolishly he’d convinced himself this moment wouldn’t happen, but in the back of his mind, he’d always known a dark, heavy cloud of despair hung over them, waiting for the first opportunity to burst, to wash away everything they’d found. “I’ll finish it. She died, even though I told you everything would be all right,” he said quietly, longing for his own deafness at that second so he couldn’t hear his words.

  And nothing had made any sense, Val reflected. Even breathing and eating and sleeping had taken enormous effort.

  He wanted to pull her close, make love with her so his mind went blank to everything, but her in his arms. He knew he’d already lost the chance. “I need to call my service,” he said, moving away from her.

  Val saw the rigid set of his features. He was distancing himself from her again. “Luke, you must have had doubts, too.”

  More than his share, he realized as one painful memory loomed over them. No matter how much love existed, shadows chased them of that time when they’d been useless to each other, when pain had been the only emotion. “You can’t forget, can you?”

  When he faced her, she felt as if he were looking straight through her. She was misinterpreting what he was saying. She had to be. “Forget Kelly? Do you expect me to ever forget our daughter?”

  No, never her. Whether she realized it or not, that wasn’t what she couldn’t forget. Though he’d started for the den, he crossed to the screen door and stared out at the night sky.

  Despite feeling a little dazed, Val was thinking clearly enough to know that silence now would eventually destroy them, just as it nearly had before. “Will you please talk to me?”

  He faced her slowly, what-ifs plaguing him. “Tell me something. What if we hadn’t won?”

  She felt cold and alone again. “We did.”

  “Answer me. What if we hadn’t?”

  “Why are you doing this?”

  Why was he? Maybe because he knew he couldn’t live anymore with what she’d never admitted.

  Val let out a soft breath. “I don’t know what you want me to say. We did win. I prayed for that. I wanted to believe we would.”

  “But you didn’t believe me, did you?”

  “It’s not so simple.”

  An ache for both of them skittered through him. The unspoken blame still lingered. She’d never said the words. She would deny feeling that way, but he would never forget the anguish in her eyes when he’d promised her Kelly would be all right, or the accusations after she’d died. “I didn’t know what to do that night for you-or her.” They stood no more than inches from each other and he couldn’t touch her. “I’m a doctor,” he said fiercely, angrily. “I’m dedicated to saving people, and I was helpless to do anything for our own child.”

  Torment darkened his eyes. Val caught a breath, feeling as if someone had punched her hard in the stomach. “You blamed yourself?” she asked, nearly choking on the words.

  Pain twisted in his gut. “And you blamed me.”

  Nothing prepared her for those words. Stunned, she needed a second to let them register. “That’s not true.” She shook her head wildly with denial. “I never-”

  Angrily he cut her off. “Dammit, don’t!” He was hurting so badly that he felt as if something had tightened its fist inside him and was squeezing hard. “Don’t lie to yourself anymore.”

  Myriad emotions jumbling inside her, Val took a step back from him. “I don’t know what I felt,” she finally admitted with his eyes challenging her to face that awful night again. Self-defensively she seized anger because he was backing her into a corner. “I was hurting,” she said, trying to explain.

  “So was I.”

  His words rang in her ears. Struggling to breathe evenly, she whirled away as feelings rushed forward that she’d thought she’d buried on a cool February day at the cemetery.

  Behind her, she heard the squeaking of the door opening. She knew even before it slammed shut that she was alone. She didn’t move. She couldn’t. Tears streaming down her cheeks, she swayed back against the kitchen counter. Oh, God, she had blamed him.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Luke needed to be alone, needed time to bury the anger threatening to explode. No, it wasn’t anger. Guilt shadowed him. It had since that night.

  He ambled to his car, drawing in breaths like a man fighting for each one after nearly drowning. He felt a stickiness on the air that announced a storm was rolling in. He wished for the sound of rain to end the stillness
around him, to help him dodge his own thoughts.

  Stupidly he thought he had freed himself of the memories that had occurred like nightmares even when he’d been awake. But they swirled around in his mind now.

  The sense of helplessness for his child fighting to stay alive, for his wife alone when the doctors had whisked her tiny daughter from her because she was laboring to breathe.

  The subtle change in Val as she retreated from him as if only she understood her pain. He had wanted to yell at her back then. Hey, I’m hurting, too. He’d never said those words until minutes ago. He’d kept his scar covered, concealing it from prying eyes. But even today, it still festered.

  He stared at the dark silhouettes of trees and remembered now the shocked look on Val’s face when he suggested they consider having another baby, as if he were committing some betrayal to Kelly’s memory. He could even hear the sound of her voice, so gentle, as if apologizing, when she said no.

  He remembered, too, the quiet resignation that had slipped over him when they discussed divorce.

  Softly he cursed. There was nothing more to say now. And he had no idea where he was going. He’d only known that he needed to get out of the house.

  Inside his car, he flicked on the ignition, then pulled away from the curb. With no destination in mind, he drove toward the edge of town. It occurred to him that he and Val had nearly made it. They really had. He’d felt love when he held her in his arms. All the magic had returned just as understanding had stretched between them during unexpected moments. Laughter had filled the house again. He could have pretended. No, he couldn’t.

  And he couldn’t fight this, not anymore. No matter how much he wanted to believe differently, they had no chance. Despite so much seeming right between them, he’d known she hadn’t really forgotten or forgiven him.

  Looking up, he saw a red light at the last minute and slammed his foot on the brake pedal. He glanced around him. Where the hell was he going? He’d driven to the edge of New Hope.

  The light changed to green, but he didn’t hit the accelerator. He sat, staring ahead of him at the darkness beyond the town’s streetlights. Nothing existed beyond this point.

  On a hard breath, he swayed back against the seat and rubbed his hand over his face. He’d find nothing without her. Nothing.

  Val clung to the edge of the kitchen counter. Closing her eyes didn’t help, didn’t banish the look she’d seen in Luke’s eyes.

  A queasiness grabbing hold, she took several deep breaths to block the sensation. She’d always thought if they loved each other, they could deal with anything. But they hadn’t been able to.

  That was her fault.

  Deep down, she had been blaming him. She’d been weary from the emotional roller coaster that had come after their child’s birth. When he’d come to her in the recovery room, she’d nearly shrieked at him to do something. It had been ridiculous to say that. And unreasonable. But it had seemed so cruel to her that he could save others and couldn’t save their daughter. When he’d promised her Kelly would be all right, she’d clung to those words. She knew now they’d been uttered by a man hurting as much as her, seizing hope like a lifeline.

  On that night, though, she’d been aware of nothing but her own torment. When Kelly had died, she hadn’t been able to rid her mind of one thought. He’d broken a promise to her about their daughter. Desperately she’d needed someone-anyone-to blame, and he had been so accessible.

  Sounds drifted down the stairs, indicating the twins had awakened. Slowly Val climbed to the second floor. It hadn’t been coldness she’d seen in Luke’s eyes all those months. He’d pulled into himself to hide his hurt-hurt she’d caused.

  With the tips of her fingers, she blotted the tears at the corners of her eyes and on her cheeks. She stopped in the bathroom and splashed water on her face. For the twins’ sake, somehow she’d veil the turmoil inside her. Don’t think. Don’t feel, she told herself. Not now. Whatever was happening between her and Luke wasn’t going away, but she had to concentrate on the twins.

  Full of energy for some reason, they scrambled down the steps. Val braced herself emotionally and settled in the living room with them. Repeatedly she glanced at the clock. When would he come back? What if he didn’t this time?

  Expecting the girls to start yelling for dinner, she pushed herself from the sofa and strolled into the kitchen. A hand on the refrigerator door, she was certain she heard Luke’s car pulling onto the driveway. She swung around and rushed toward the window.

  She never reached it.

  Her right foot came down crookedly on something. Like a tightrope walker, she threw her arms out to keep her balance, but her legs went out from under her. Her buttocks hit the floor hard, jarring her, rearing back her head. As the side of it slammed against the stove, pain shot through her skull.

  Moaning, Val blinked against the flash of light and a second of light-headedness. Eyes squeezed shut, she lifted a hand, wincing when her fingers touched the spot above her temple. For a long moment she dealt with the initial pain. As it gave way to a persistent throbbing, she opened her eyes. To her right, she spotted the culprit that had caused her fall-a miniature plastic car.

  It was then, too, that she saw Traci standing in the doorway, staring at her. Before Val could say anything to her, she burst into tears.

  “Shh, come here.” Val opened her arms to her. “Come here,” she urged.

  Tears streaming down her cheeks, Traci scrambled onto her lap. Val cuddled her, smoothing back her bangs and kissing her forehead. “Don’t cry.” She raised her head slowly and saw Brooke, wide-eyed, feet from them.

  “Vali okay?” The panic in her voice was unmistakable.

  “Yes.” Uncertain how steady she’d be if she stood, Val stayed still and offered her other hand to Brooke.

  Her small body trembled as she nuzzled into Val. “Mama go ‘way.” With her face buried in Val’s shoulder, she shook her head. “Vali no go ‘way?” she cried.

  Val’s heart squeezed. Though Traci had shown some anxiety since Joe and Carrie’s death, Brooke had seemed to accept the absence of her parents the best. Val sensed now that she’d simply repressed heartache and tucked it into a private place within her. Like Luke had? she wondered.

  For the little girl in her arms, Val chose the only words she knew to help. “I won’t go away.” Pulling back, she met the eyes glistening with tears. If only she could assure her that she wouldn’t lose everyone she loved, but…Oh, God. Val brought both girls tightly to her. How could she? she wondered. How could she explain that to a two-year-old when she hadn’t understood that herself for too long?

  You can’t make a new start if you don’t let go of the past, her grandfather had said. Had she done that? She thought she’d gone on with her life. She’d stopped crying whenever she thought about Kelly, and she’d found that she still had plenty of love left in her to give to the twins. But when Luke had wanted to have another baby, she’d refused.

  Why seemed suddenly so clear. The past had clouded her present and her future. But at what point had she become so afraid of the risk to her heart? With Kelly’s death? Or as a child herself? she wondered, remembering the disappointment and heartache she’d felt when her mother’s promises had been broken. There had been so many of them. And how often had she thought one of her mother’s husbands would be a father to her? The father she never had, never even knew.

  Looking down at the twins’ blond heads, Val swallowed hard against the knot in her throat. Until this moment, until she’d seen herself through two little girls, she hadn’t even been aware of the pain she’d been harboring. Or of the fear.

  Briefly she must have eluded it when she married Luke, but it had reared its ugly head when she lost Kelly. It had reminded her how easy it was to love and lose.

  Oh, Luke, what have I done to us?

  In his eyes, she’d read his suffering and his grief. It had been no less than hers, but she’d forgotten about him. She’d only thought about her ow
n anguish. And because she’d been so afraid of losing, she’d kept herself from taking the final step with him that would bind them again-becoming a family.

  “Vali,” Brooke cried.

  Swallowing hard, she pressed her lips together in a semblance of a smile, too aware of the twins’ frightened stares. “I’m okay, honey.” She soothed Brooke and hugged her and Traci tightly.

  He wasn’t sure why he returned home. Mostly he wasn’t sure she’d be there. Luke pulled in the driveway behind her car. It hadn’t been moved. Switching off the ignition, he stared at the house bright with lights now. Though he stepped from the car, he stood for a long moment beside it. He didn’t know what to say to her anymore, he realized. Or had it all been said?

  Uncertainty accompanied the ache inside him as he strolled to the door. No coward, he didn’t hesitate at opening the back door.

  Instantly his heart lurched. On the floor, braced against the stove, Val held what looked like a bloody cloth to her head. Like bookends, the twins nestled against her. Shouting her name, he crossed the kitchen in three strides. “What happened?”

  “I fell and hit my head,” she answered, setting the twins on their feet beside her.

  As she made a move, he nearly swore. “Stay still.” His heart pounding hard against his chest, he gently lifted the wet, sticky cloth from her head.

  “I didn’t want to get up for ice,” she tried to explain while she dealt with the throbbing from even a slight movement. “So I dipped a dishtowel in Brooke’s cold fruit punch.”

  The panic rising within Luke receded. No blood. Fruit punch. With a doctor’s eye, he examined the bump.

  “I’m okay.”

  “Like hell you are.”

  A matching set of blue eyes stared up at him and widened.

  “Luke,” Val said through barely moving lips, “don’t frighten them.”

  What about me? he nearly yelled. “You’re going to the hospital.”

  “I don’t need to. I’m really…” Val gave up arguing as he gathered her in his arms.