Beautifully Done

by Riley Mackenzie

  “Ash-”

  “Shh.” I lingered at her foot, kissing her tatted arch. Tiny whimpers were escaping from her swollen lips. “Shh.” I brushed my mouth against her left calf. “Shh.” I licked her upper right thigh. Now splayed open, my face hovered above the place I craved. She wasn’t that wet, but then again she never was. According to Tal, just another unwelcomed reward of childbirth. Never mattered to me because remedying that situation was my greatest pleasure. And this time was no different.

  My first taste was exquisite. “So fucking delicious,” I groaned, realizing how much I had missed my fine scotch. Her silky folds were like a mirage that I was greedily lapping and sucking for every last drop. “You have no idea how much I missed this … missed you.” I wanted inside. Using my saliva, I wet my fingers and eased deep inside her warm tunnel, stretching and curling to reach her sweet spot. She moaned my name and fisted my hair. Tonight her sexy noises were all I had. I was used to the way she salaciously rode my hand and face searching for her release.

  Tonight her hips did not twist.

  They did not unashamedly buck.

  They did not thrust to match my rhythm.

  They were silent.

  “Ash …” This time it wasn’t a moan. Instead it was a shaky almost melancholic tone. I hated it.

  “Relax, let me take care of you.” I lifted my eyes to meet hers, letting her know I was not giving up. I would spend all night—or eternity—between her legs discovering exactly what she needed now. I feverishly alternated my penetrating rhythm from gentle to punishing by adding another finger while my mouth teased her delicious bundle of nerves. My cock throbbed and my spine tingled, but my desire to give this to her overshadowed my own need. It was all consuming. Despite my constant lubrication, the friction was increasing with each pass. Hoping I still possessed the key to her detonation and knowing how she had grown to love it, I pressed my thumb against her tight ring, seeking entrance. I strained to listen for spikes in her breathing and changes to her melodic tempo. And I waited for her moans to crescendo.

  But I heard nothing. Her song was over.

  She was silent.

  She cupped my chin and coaxed me to eye level. “I love you. So much. You know that will never change. And thank you so much for trying.”

  Wait. She was giving up. No.

  “It’s our first try, Teeps. Doesn’t mean anything. We have forever to try again.”

  Even though she soothingly held my face between her palms I saw nothing but pure devastation cracking her brave facade. “I’m fine. Really.” There was nothing fine about the look on her face. She must have seen an equal amount of devastation on mine. I felt like I failed her. “You need to know that I love being this close to you again, that’s enough for me … but it isn’t enough for you.”

  “Tal-” She pressed a finger over my lips, sealing them. I did not like where this was going.

  “No, listen to me. I know you love me, I know you will take me however you can get me, but I also know you’re a man. So please, I don’t want to stop yet. I need this. I need to know that I can do this for you. Let me taste you.” She reached for my cock and bit her lip.

  “What. No.” I clipped way harsher than I meant. But if she thought she was going to suck me off while she lay there, she had another thing coming. She flinched and a wave of anguish and disappointment flooded her beautiful face. “Shit, Teeps, that didn’t come out right. Of course I would want you to … just not like… I mean … I wanted you to … I don’t know.” I clenched my lids and raked my hair so hard, a bald spot wouldn’t have been surprising.

  This was a complete clusterfuck. No, I was the complete fuck up.

  “I am so sorry.” Her voice cracked. “I know … I know this is hard.”

  Hell no.

  She was crying.

  I braced my weight on my forearms and leaned so we were chest to chest. Heart to heart. Lips to lips. Breath to breath. And said the only thing that mattered. “Let me make love to you.”

  “But-”

  “No buts, Teeps. I am going to make love to you.” I moved my lips from her mouth to her cheeks and began to kiss away every tear that continued to flow. I couldn’t explain with words how this was good enough, how she was all I’d ever need. So I showed her.

  Careful to not hurt her, I widened her legs some more and reached for some lube. Then I closed the distance between us, shut out our fears and made us one. I made love to her mouth at the same pace as to her body, slow and rhythmic with no end point in sight.

  I was wrong, it wasn’t good enough.

  It was everything.

  We never made it to that little cafe.

  Something changed between us that day, and not for the better. We didn’t discuss it and we certainly didn’t try again. It was one of the giant elephants we pretended wasn’t there. I figured Tal would let me know when she was ready. Though I hated to admit, I felt like it might be never. We fell back into our normal routine, but there was nothing normal about it. And even though Tal was the exception, I was realizing she wanted nothing more than to be the norm. And I wanted to give her that.

  I brought up wedding planning a couple of times since we left the hospital, thinking this would pull her from her funk, get her excited, but she skirted that topic as well. As far as I was concerned, it was a done deal. She was already my wife, my forever. Granted, it was far from a traditional proposal and if she wanted to be Kurt and Goldie, fine by me. But after everything and knowing what I knew, we needed that piece of paper. I’d prefer the marriage certificate emblazoned with the name Talia Craig, but I’d settle for a health care proxy. Definitely not as romantic, but got the job done. I’m yours, you’re mine, as long as we both shall live—or more likely in my case, remember. Because one day we might not have Chase, Tal might not be on staff, and I might not sit on the board of trustees. And no one was going to question my place at my woman’s side or vice versa.

  What sucked more was I tried to make plans for her birthday late next month, knowing a surprise wouldn’t go over well, and she kept telling me to wait, ‘hold off for now, let’s see how I’m feeling.’ After the sick mountain bike trip she surprised me with back in June, I owed her big time. Whatever, I wasn’t taking no for an answer, she still had plenty of time to change her mind.

  But what topped the list of suck was she wasn’t even feeling a trip to Harry Winston’s. What woman didn’t want to shop for bling? I got that I’d probably never snag a lead in any romance novel, but we weren’t twenty-two. Tal was a sophisticated woman with an opinion. And watching her eyes sparkle picking out the ring of her dreams was a fantasy I could only wish would come true.

  Despite my best efforts, Tal was pulling a little further away with each passing summer day. She stopped asking me for help with daily tasks. She showered by herself, dressed herself, and transferred to and from her chair without assistance, even when I was always right there happily willing to lift her. Truth be told, I would have carried her anywhere. I wanted to carry every ounce of that bullet’s burden. But life didn’t ask me what I wanted.

  Last week she made arrangements with Julius to continue her therapy at the hospital facility instead of at home. When I questioned why she would add an unnecessary inconvenience to her life she said, “Because it’s what people do. You wake up, you go to work, you go somewhere … you live. Otherwise you’re just wasting precious time. We only get one shot at this.”

  I hated how much pressure she was putting on herself, physically and emotionally. I also hated that since she ‘was already there’ she felt obligated to help out her interim replacement by preparing the residents’ afternoon lecture. She had officially taken a leave of absence for the academic year. If the new guy couldn’t hack it, it was the department’s problem, not hers. I made sure the board knew it.

  And I really hated that she insisted on traveling back and forth alone. Or more accurately, without me. When I gently pointed out that Bostonians drove like maniacs and anyt
hing could happen in the quarter mile, Tal said, “This chair already owns some of my independence, I’m not letting fear have the rest.” I respected her idealism, I did. But I didn’t agree. And I may have not-so-gently put my foot down and possibly said (in a slightly louder tone than an inside voice) something along the lines of, “over my dementia ridden dead body will I let something ever happen to you again.” Needless to say, that didn’t go over so well.

  After an hour-long shower, which I assumed she set on cold, Tal ended the silent treatment and calmly laid it out for me. “Sierra’s new place is around the corner from the hospital, and since she convinced herself Zumba might harm the babies, she’s now some crazy speed walker. Anyway, when she passes here, I’ll go with her. Besides, I’m worried about her. She’s struggling with everything that happened. I’m hoping spending some time together will help. As far as the afternoon, Tack has a few early days this semester, he won’t mind, or if you happen to have hospital business, then great. Otherwise, I’ll figure it out. This will give you a chance for you. Okay?”

  Not okay, any of it. But she wasn’t asking and I sure as shit didn’t want to argue. Again. Been there, done that. A lot lately.

  Tal was more concerned about Sierra and how everyone else was handling the aftermath that she was deaf to her own justified cries of anger. She deserved to be irate. Life dealt her another shit hand. Enough was enough already. So when she started picking meaningless fights, I felt relieved almost. And I tried not to take any of it personally.

  The first time caught me off guard. I never met snippy Tal. She had hung up the phone with Lil, rolled over to the couch where I was working on my laptop and snapped it shut. “Um, why is Tack Chase’s new sparring partner?” No smile, no sweet, just pissed.

  “Teeps, he’s a grown man, it’s good exercise, and in comparison to a lot of other ways he could be letting off steam, it’s safer. Chase can be an ass in the ring, but you know he’d never let him get hurt. Besides, I thought you wanted them spending time together.”

  “That’s not my issue. Why are you not with them? In fact, why am I just finding out that you haven’t been to the gym since ... you know? And don’t say it’s because you haven’t had time to work out. I feel you get out of bed before sunrise, and I’m not blind to the fact that you’re more ripped than ever. You’d probably bust out of your dress shirts, that is if you ever put one back on.” Shit, she was riled.

  “What’s that supposed to mean? No, forget it. You’ve got to be tired. Julius worked you hard today. Want me to draw you a bath?” I could tell her mind was reeling but she shut it down and let out an exasperated sigh.

  Snippy Tal retreated, and my Teeps was back. “Just do me a favor. Please, go back to the gym.” She stretched the word please, almost begging. I kissed her forehead and nodded appeasingly. I had no intention of schlepping halfway across town to work out when I could bang it out downstairs before she even woke up. But she didn’t need to know that. Especially since her eyes were twinkling again. “Besides, Lil says Chase is a little bit of a hot mess lately, the surrogacy thing is taking its toll. So I’d rather my son not be on the receiving end of that. The Green Giant, on the other hand, my money’s on you.”

  So round one with Tal, not so bad. Just some bruising.

  Unfortunately it wasn’t just Tal busting my balls about going to the gym. Chase clearly fired off his concerns as well.

  “Listen, I’m gonna say this once. For your own fucking sanity, get out of the house. It’s time.”

  Time for what? We were living just fine. What we had worked and I wasn’t about to screw that up.

  “If you don’t want to meet Tack and me, don’t. But do fucking something. Go to the office, catch up on all your bullshit. And mine. Get off your ass and make sure my shit is making money. I’ve got two kids on the way. Besides, that high rolling douche can’t be happy you’ve been MIA?”

  He was so full of shit. Money was something neither of us had to worry about, and he knew it.

  “First of all, I’m taking care of my woman, dickhead. And Powell? Got rid of that scumbag weeks ago. I didn’t have time for him blowing up my phone when I have more important things.”

  “What the hell? Now you’re jeopardizing your firm, your reputation. Fuck, Asher. Get your life back.”

  “She is my fucking life. And who are you to judge? You’re so far up Lil’s ass...”

  “Don’t you turn this on me. Lil and I figured our shit out and we’re good. Can you say the same? You and Tal good? You wouldn’t know good if it slapped you in the face, you’re so far up your own ass.”

  Round two with Chase, I didn’t fare as well. Black eye and cracked ribs, but I was still standing.

  Since my woman and my best friend seemed to have their panties in a bunch over my lack of cardio, I started running again. I liked it. Thirty minutes and done. I didn’t see why they were making such a big deal out of nothing. I was keeping in great shape. And the parallel bars served as the perfect place for dips. Good thing, otherwise they were doing nothing but collecting dust in our living room. Anyway, I had just gotten back from a run and found her on the terrace, deep in thought. Her long hair whipped in the gusty breeze. The humidity felt like a wet towel slapping across your face, we needed this rain. I glanced at my watch and realized she was home early. If I’d known her resident lecture had been canceled I would’ve picked her up myself and probably avoided the shit-storm that followed. Literally.

  “Hey you.” I bent over to kiss her head. If sweat wasn’t dripping from my face I would have gone for the lips. “Why didn’t you call? I would have met you.”

  She avoided eye contact, her eyes stayed glued to the bluish grey horizon. Damn, I probably should’ve gone for the lips.

  When she finally spoke, her voice was calm. Too calm. “Why aren’t we going to the Hamptons this weekend?”

  “Huh?”

  “Maggie called. She wanted to make sure everything was okay. Wanted to reassure us that the girls totally understood about Hawaii if that’s what we were worried about, why we weren’t coming home for the holiday weekend and missing Emma’s birthday.”

  I toweled my face with the bottom of my drenched Under Armour shirt. Half to wipe the burning perspiration from my eyes, half to buy some time. It didn’t matter how I responded. Tal already took this round on a technicality. My pause was a beat too long.

  “Funny words—us and we. Plurals. Implies more than one person’s involved in the decision making process.” She finally lifted her eyes to meet mine. I got anger, hell, it had been camping out in my gut for the past eight weeks. But what I saw in her eyes wasn’t anger. It was hurt.

  I sat on the teak bench, refusing to have this conversation towering over her. As overheated as I was from my run, the look on her face made me sizzle. “I made sure Suzie took care of Emma, her gift should already be there.” Tal crossed her arms across her chest and bit the inside of her cheek. Bad answer. I tried again. “As for the trip, I offered to reschedule, send them anywhere they wanted to go. They passed.”

  “They passed because they don’t want to go without you.”

  “Well, that’s not gonna happen. It’s too long of a flight, the doctor’s said-”

  “I am a doctor.” Her jab hit below the belt. I walked right into that one.

  “That’s not what I meant and you know it, Tal.”

  “I know what you meant.”

  “Look, I don’t want to argue about this. The vacation’s a moot point. The kids are going back to school anyway. You really want to go to the Hamptons—we’ll go. But we’re driving. Flying is out of the question. It was too risky the first time, no way am I taking you now. Actually, I have a buyer.”

  “Wait, you’re selling the plane? Asher, you love the plane. That’s your freedom, your hobby, why would you do that?” No way I would jeopardize her safety under my care. “Your mind is made up.” She huffed, looking disgusted. “Whatever, your plane, your choice. But it still doesn’t ex
plain your callous disregard about this weekend. And don’t give me any ridiculous excuse about the car ride. I can sit. That’s all I do is sit … twenty-four hours a day. The six freaking hours in a car instead of my chair makes no difference.”

  “Fine, I said we’ll go. I just didn’t want to see you upset if we get there and Emma pulls the same shit she did last time she saw you.”

  “Oh my god. I’m an adult and she’s almost four. I think I can handle a child who is allowed to be freaked out. News flash, wheelchairs and paralysis are scary concepts, terrifying actually. So what … what’s your grand plan? Now that the initial shock is over and your family is back to living their own lives, not trekking up here on weekends to see us anymore, what … we’re just going to avoid them? For how long, Ace? Because I hate to break it to you, I might be in this chair forever.”

  I dropped my head and pulled my hair, my adrenaline matched what it was at mile six. A million different thoughts raced through my mind, none of which amounted to anything. “What do you want me to say, Tal?”

  “I don’t want you to say anything. I want you to start doing. I want you to go home. I want you to visit your family, like you always did. I want you to make up this time you’ve lost with your dad. Make him a priority again. Cherish the time you have left and don’t have regrets. Trust me, there are no do-overs in life and second chances are overrated. Firsts are everything.”

  “You’re my number one priority.”

  She grabbed the back of her head and lifted her face to the sky and opened her mouth like she was going to scream. The electrically charged skies opened up with a loud crack of thunder and cold sharp drops of rain began to snap our skin. Neither one of us moved for several long seconds.

  “Let’s get inside. I don’t want you catching a cold.” She ripped her arms from her chest and wheeled inside, spinning around so fast I thought for sure she was going to tip the chair. “Whoa.” I reached out to grab her.