The Regret (Heartache #2)

by Green, Vicki

  Chapter 11

  Regrets can eat you alive. I know because mine have been doing that for a few years now. There’s so many things I want to do for her, give her, things that she’s never had or experienced. I want to be the one to do that for her, be her first in so many ways. So many things I’ve witnessed. So many things I’ve been told. When she finds out, and I know she will, she’ll think I’m a stalker or worse yet, she’ll hate me because I didn’t come forward. She’ll hate me for keeping everything from her. Why didn’t I just confess when I came here? Because I was afraid I’d lose her before I even had her. I’m an idiot. My plan has been to get her to fall in love with me so she won’t want to leave me when I tell her the truth. Such an idiot. It’s a fifty-fifty chance. Either she’ll never want to see me again, or she’ll let me tell her why I did things this way, understand that I know her pain, share it, and would do anything to take it away for us both.

  “I’m ready.” Her voice penetrates through my agonizing thoughts. I didn’t even hear her open the door or climb inside my truck. I turn my head, give her a grin, and watch her pick up the bouquet of flowers I’d given her, bringing them up to her nose, smiling as she breathes them in. I hadn’t planned on getting them until the last minute today then made a mad dash over to the florist so I’d have them when she walked out of Battle Ground. When I’d seen the look of shock on her face as I held the flowers, happiness filled me like there’s nothing I could have done any better than to give her those. Such a simple thing. Flowers. She had tears in her eyes, shaking as she leaned into me, full of emotions. I gave her that. Me. I’d give her anything in the world if it would put that look on her face and give her even a shred of happiness. She deserves it, deserves more than I could ever give her, but I’ll die trying to give her as much as I can.

  I’d been watching her all day. The times with her clients, working at the front desk. I’d even seen her and Hailey cross the street and go over to the coffee shop for lunch, wondering if she’s still trying to fix up Hailey with Barrett. Caught her looking at me from the front counter. Felt her eyes scanning my body all the while I was trying to maintain a normal conversation with a member. That was difficult as well as trying to keep my hard on from showing through my gym shorts. Yeah, she just about killed me. Of course, I secretly watched her as she jogged on the treadmill too. Watched that fine toned body of hers moving with ease. The beads of sweat that covered her skin, making me want to take her to a shower and wash every inch of it then get her dirty again as I pound into her, feeling her tightness around me. Shit, I’m getting horny again. I never get enough of her. Never want to be without her. Yeah, I’m in a lot of trouble. Barrett thinks I’m crazy. Thinks I’m gonna lose her when she finds out. He told me he’d do what he could. Help me resolve what I set out to do, then plead my case to her. Not sure it’ll be any better coming from him than it would from me. She doesn’t really know him that well. Besides, he doesn’t know everything.

  “Gonna make two pit stops, then we’ll go home.” I stiffen at my own words. Home. Slip of the tongue. I want it to be our home, part of the reason I’ve wanted the house so badly. What if I lose her? What will I do with the house then? Too many reminders of her, too many memories already. No. I won’t think this way, won’t let it drag me down, destroy everything I’ve built.

  “Okay.” She smiles taking another sniff of her flowers.

  It dawns on me that she hasn’t had any nightmares the last few nights. Not big ones anyway. Maybe being in my arms, feeling safe and protected has helped in some small way. I hope so. I want to take them all away, lock them up tight so they don’t return. I’m not stupid. I know when she finds out, they’ll all return with a vengeance, a horrible force that will either tear us apart or pull us together. If we’re strong enough. I’m hoping for the latter.

  I pull into the hardware store, pulling her inside to buy the grill I’d had my eye on. Watched the two men load it into the back of my truck then took off for the grocery store. I only got what I needed tonight, since I had finally ordered all the appliances. I’ll come back to the store then and fill the refrigerator. Today it’s steaks, corn, and fixings for a salad. I’ll break in my new grill and give her a great meal. Also got a six pack of beer to go along with it. Her laughter as we have a fight in the vegetable section, picking up various items and throwing them at each other, fills my heart, fills the loneliness I’ve had ever since I first learned about her. Watching her stroll down the aisles picking up different cans and packages, reading the backs for the ingredients, puts ideas in my head about how this could really all happen, that she’d be mine forever. A normal life. Sharing my house, doing normal things together, having a family. Both of us finding the happiness we’ve both craved for and put all our regrets to rest. If that’s even possible. Maybe it’s just putting them behind us, enough that we can be together, and give each other a good life. Give us each what we’ve longed for.

  “I’m done with the salad. When will the steaks and corn be done?”

  I’ve been manning the grill, thinking about how normal this all feels. Drinking her up being in my kitchen, making the salad, and hearing her humming as she moves around the room. Like she belongs here. We both drank a beer while we worked, on our second one now. She walks out onto the deck, wrapping her arms around my waist, and leans her chin on my shoulder, watching me cook. Such an easy thing to do, yet hard in so many ways. I know she’s struggled getting close, at first. Battled with the nightmares. Mine’s been the easier part, only dealing with my loss, her loss, keeping all the secrets. Still dealing with that. It’ll all come out. Won’t be pretty. I can only hope she’ll be able to forgive me.

  “Almost ready,” I reply, turning my head and kissing her forehead. Soft. Supple.

  A few minutes later, we’re sitting on the blanket I’d laid out on the deck, candles lit around us as we eat our picnic dinner. She laughed and called me crazy. I can tell it filled her with joy, contentment, knowing she hasn’t had much of that in her life. Simple things. It’s sad to think about how even the simplest of things she hasn’t had or done. I love watching her experience them all.

  After we’re done, we clean up together, washing everything by hand in the new sink. The dishwasher will be welcomed in a few days. The room is filled with her scent. Watching her wash the dishes as I dry them and put them away in the cabinets I built and hung myself – well with some help on a few by Barrett, starts making me crazier with desire for her. Even the littlest things we do together drives me insane with need for more of her.

  By the time the last dish is put away, I corner her against the cabinet, my mouth seeking hers quickly. My hand finds her ample breast, my thumb rubbing across her nipple that’s already taut through her bra, her own desire apparent. My hips buck against her, trying to get the friction needed. I grab her slim waist, lifting her as we continue kissing, our tongues exploring each other’s. Her legs wrap around me as I carry her, relieved when I lay her down on my new king sized bed. I stand, looking down at her hair fanned out on the pillow, watching her chest rising and falling from her heavy breathing.

  Leaning down, I pull up on the hem of her shirt, her arms raise allowing me to remove it. I’m quick to release the button on her jeans, pull down the zipper, and remove her panties along with them. I admire her for a moment. Silky skin. Those breasts just waiting to be set free. Her flat stomach with the belly piercing. I can imagine it swollen, carrying our baby. As I remove my clothes, I take her in, down to her painted toenails. She’s a vision. Perfection. I don’t waste any more time, unclasping her bra, pulling the straps down her arms, my mouth finding one of her peaked nipples immediately, devouring it. Her body moves beneath mine, her legs already spread wide then wrap around me. Her feet push into my bottom, pushing me, pulling me, making me rub against where she wants me. Needs me.

  “You’re so fucking beautiful,” I murmur as I kiss across the valley of
her breasts, reaching the other nipple needing my attention. “Do you have any idea how crazy you make me?” I’m lost in my admiration of her luscious body, not realizing what I’m saying anymore. “I want to be inside you twenty-four hours a day. I can’t get you out of my mind. I want….” Her hands cup the sides of my face, her fingers pushing into my hair.

  “What do you want?” she whispers breathlessly.

  I look up and into her eyes. They’re filled with the same need. The same desire. “Fuck. I want you all the time.” I lean down, press my mouth against hers so hard, bruising her lips, as I push inside her quickly. Punishingly. I’m not sure who I’m punishing. Me or her. Me because I can’t get enough of her. Her because I know she wants me as much as I want her. This time, it’s not making love, or just having sex. This time it’s fucking, plain and simple. I don’t know when I became so needy, so impatient about being inside her. It’s like a flip switched. Getting this house, my dreams, having her in my arms. Everything’s too good to be true. I relentlessly drive in and out of her. Our bodies both covered in sweat. She moves her hands and grabs ahold of my biceps, squeezing as she matches my every move. “Fuck! Ungh!” My movements become fast, frantic. I’m about to move my hand to entice her more by stroking her clit when she screams out my name and shatters beneath me. Just hearing my name with her screams sends me to the brink, and I call out her name then fall beside her, my arm laying over her stomach. I feel the softness of her hand trailing up and down my arm, her body still trembling slightly with her release and mine still shuddering sporadically. I turn my head and look into her eyes. “Move in with me.” Her brows raise and I smile.

  “You’re not really living – living here, yet.”

  My smile grows. I can tell she’s thinking. “I might as well be. Our apartment leases are month to month. We could both give our notices tomorrow.” She sucks in her bottom lip and I quickly lean over and pull it back out with my teeth then settle back onto the mattress. “Quit thinking so hard.” A smile tugs on her lips. I lean up and over to her, kissing those luscious lips. “Move in with me.” I smile against her mouth. “You’re here most of the time except to go get clean clothes anyway. If your clothes were here, then you wouldn’t have to leave.” I kiss her again, a little harder. I’m playing with fire. I know this, but I can’t seem to stop. I don’t want to stop. Her brows lower and I can see the fear in the features of her beautiful face and in her eyes. “Jolie. I’m not going to hurt you.” I lie. Not intentionally. Maybe not ever, if I can avoid it. Maybe I won’t have to tell her! No, that would make our future start off with secrets and lies. Dammit. I cup the side of her face, smoothing my thumb over the soft skin of her cheek. “I don’t want you to be worried or scared about doing this. If it’s too fast, I….” She places her hand on my arm, looking deep into my eyes.

  “I’m not gonna lie. I am a little nervous. It’s kind of a big step.” I blew it. I rushed her. Why couldn’t I have waited? Stupid! “But I….” My heart soars and becomes hopeful. “I have one condition.” She owns me. She can have anything she wants. Anything. She leans in closer, so close I can almost taste those divine lips. “Your punching bag needs to go downstairs and away from all walls.” She starts laughing and kisses me hard. God, I love her!

  I push her down on the mattress, settling in between her legs as I take our kissing deeper, my tongue exploring her sweet mouth. My hand finds her full breast, my thumb rubbing over the nipple. She moans into my mouth. I love how she reacts to me, to my touch. Leaning up onto my arms, I look down at her. She’s a vision. We look into each other’s eyes, and I smile, raising an eyebrow. “So, you’re moving in?” She smiles, and my heart fills. “For real?” I smile as she nods eagerly, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to remove it. I kiss her hard and then make love to my girl. Not sex. Not fucking. Making love. Something I’ve been waiting to do for so long.

  The next day, I feel like I’m floating. Everything’s moving into place. I have the house of my dreams, the girl I’ve wanted for too long, and we’re getting closer to our target. I refuse to think about what might happen but rather focus on the now. Focus on Jolie, making a life together. I won’t let anything stand in the way of our happiness.

  “Hey, man. What’s got you so chipper?”

  I turn my head when I hear Jase and see him pull out a chair next to mine. I’d been sitting at a table in the power bar area, drinking a bottled water after finishing up with a client, lost in my thoughts. “Hey, Jase.” I watch him get settled in his chair and smile. “I dunno. Things are just – going good.” I feel on top of the world. I’m following Jolie over to the apartment after work and loading up most of her stuff and mine. We’re both going to give our thirty-day notice to our landlord and go home. Home. Our home.

  “I’m glad.” He looks around, looking a bit uncomfortable then back at me. “Look….” His face changes to worry, settling into the chair. “You know I appreciate all you’ve done. I owe you so much.” Now, I’m uncomfortable. I keep telling him that he doesn’t owe me anything. “I just worry about Jolie. I don’t know all the details about her past, and it’s not for me to tell you what I know, but I do know she’s had a really rough life. I just….”

  “Don’t want her to get hurt,” I finish for him. He’s a good friend looking out for her. I’m glad. She needed that in her life. Still does. Wish I could have been the one to be that friend when she needed one. Jase is a good man. He helped her through a tough time. He has no idea but I’m the one that owes him.

  He smiles, seeming to relax. “Yes. She’s kinda special. There’s been enough hurt in her life.” He puts his hand on my shoulder. “I know you’re a good man. I just want the best for both of you.”

  I smile back, raise my chin. “Thanks, Jase. She is special.”

  “Who’s special?”

  We both look up as Alena draws near. She sits down next to Jase, her eyes only on him, full of love. He looks into her eyes, with the same love and admiration. I watch them as Jase reaches over and takes her hand, their fingers threading through each other’s and how their eyes light up as they smile. I want that with Jolie. So badly.

  “We were talking about Jolie and how she’s special,” Jase tells her. She looks at him and smiles.

  “Yes, she is.” She looks my way and winks. “She’d make a really good girlfriend.”

  A laugh escapes me. “Yeah. I think I’ve already figured that out.” Jase laughs with me.

  “Hey, Jase!” We all look at Max, one of our members, as he waves while walking over. “Got a minute?” Jase nods as he stands and meets him halfway.

  “Soooooo.” I look over at Alena who’s still wearing a big smile. “You and Jolie, huh?” I nod. A smile still plastered on my face. I can’t help it. I’ve never been happier. She leans her arms down on the table, getting comfortable and giving me an all knowing look. “I think you both look great together.” She hesitates, and her face softens. “I don’t think I’ve told you nearly enough how grateful I am that you saved Jase.” I open my mouth to speak, stopping her from thanking me again, but she continues. “He would have …. Well, I don’t know what we would have done if you hadn’t been there.” She lets out a sigh, reaches up, and tangles her fingers in her hair. The light above shines on her wedding ring, making it sparkle, as she winds her hair around. “After all we’d been through….” She appears as if she’s looking right through me, lost in the nightmare they’d endured. Suddenly, she blinks, and a smile is back on her mouth. “Anyway. I’ve made bad choices and didn’t do things I’d wished I had done earlier in my life. I regretted them so deeply.” She reaches across the table and places her hand on top of mine. “Just don’t make the same mistakes. Don’t live with regrets. If Jolie fills your heart, if she’s in your mind so much it about drives you crazy, if your heart beats so fast you can feel it and your eyes light up when you see her, and you can’t stand to be without her �
�� get her, claim her, and don’t ever let anything stand in your way to keep her.”

  God, I already have regrets, but I’ll be damned if I let them stop me. “You’re a good friend, Alena. Don’t worry. I don’t plan on letting anything stand in my way.” I watch as she covers her stomach with her hand, affectionately. “How have you been feeling? Everything okay?” Going through everything her ex did to her and Jase, then his men coming after Jase when everything went wrong in his evil plan, they’d lost their baby girl in the process. I felt bad for them. Now everything’s right in their lives. They’re having another baby, and both of their businesses are pretty successful. I couldn’t be happier for them.

  She looks down at her stomach then back up at me. “Yes. I’m feeling great, now. The morning sickness wasn’t fun, but it’s lessened. At least my graphic design company allows me to work from home, so I can sneak in naps, and my overbearing food habits.” She laughs. “We find out the sex next week, but I know Jase is secretly hoping for a boy.”