Private Pleasures

by Lawrence Sanders

  After he left, Jessica poured us another drink and we sat staring at each other.

  "What do you think?" she asked me.

  "I thought I could handle Big Bobby," I told her. "But after that last boff I'm not so sure. When Willie takes off, I think Gurk will come looking for us, and he might get physical. Him and that Miami killer."

  "Let me tell you something," Jess said. "Something I haven't told Willie the Weasel, and I don't want you mentioning it to him.

  After I saw Teddy O. casing my home, and remembering what Brevoort said about him being a hatchet man, I decided to put the house up for sale.

  So I've got it listed with a real estate agent. After we get the ZAP pill, I'm leaving with Willie, and I'm never coming back. Wherever we go, I'll hire a lawyer to handle the sale of the house for me. But I'll be long gone with no forwarding address so Big Bobby Gurk and Teddy O. can't feed me to the sharks. Guys like that scare the hell out of me."

  "My God, less," I said. "Then what happens to me? You and Willie will leave me to face the music. And like you said, those guys don't play nice when they think they've been dorked."

  She thought a moment. "Laura, do you own that condo of yours?"

  "No, it's leased."

  "Then you can walk away from it. Take my advice and start packing. Do like I am, I'm taking two suitcases of stuff I really want and just leaving the rest of my shit. What the hell, if you can believe Willie, we'll have all the money in the world to buy new things."

  I looked at her. "You know, Jess, I think you're right.

  I'll get ready to split as soon as we have the pill. The three of us will leave together."

  "Also, she added with a twisty grin, "it won't do any harm to keep an eye on Willie the Weasel, in case he has any cute ideas of screwing us out of our shares." in,m,i like the way you think," I told her.

  "I'm beginning to have my doubts about that grifter. ever since he found out He's been running scared Teddy O. was on his tail. We'd be schmucks to let him take off by himself with the pill. We'd probably never hear from him again."

  "That's the way I see it," Jess said, nodding. "So the two of us will stick to him like a second skin. just to protect our investment, you know."

  "Right on!" I said. "I'm going home now and start packing. You have any idea where you'd like to go after we dump this burg?"

  "I've been thinking about New Orleans, " she said.

  "I've never been there, and I hear it's a wide-open town."

  "Suits me," I said. "I'm ready for a change of scene.

  Anyplace where Big Bobby Gurk isn't part of the landscape."

  I finished my drink, kissed Jessica good-night, and headed for home.

  I turned into the parking lot of my condo just as a black Camry was coming out. I saw the driver in my headlights, a little guy wearing wire-rimmed specs. I could have sworn he smiled at me.

  I almost wet my pants.

  I wasn't surprised that Gurk had told Teddy O. where I lived, but it was a shock to see him keeping tabs on me. I hurried inside, locked the door, drew the drapes. I pulled out two suitcases and started packing.

  I had some nice things, and it was going to break my heart to leave most of them behind, but it had to be done. I finally selected my favorites, not the stuff William K. Brevoort was storing in my closets.

  Wherever we were going, the sonofabitch could buy his own dresses. got up Tuesday morning with the usual industrial strength hangover.

  When I stared in the bathroom mirror, I could see what all the boozing and whoring was doing to me. I was beginning to look like an old lush, my face pasty and bloated. I wondered how long it would take my liver to collapse, just like my father's.

  Marleen had left for work, and Tania was out somewhere, so after I showered and shaved, I wandered next door to cadge a black coffee.

  Mabel Bar row was sitting at her kitchen table flipping the pages of a tabloid magazine. She glanced up as I came in.

  "Herm, you look shot," she said.

  "I am shot," I admitted. "But nothing that your delicious coffee won't cure. How about it?"

  She got up to make me a cup of instant and put out a plate of glazed doughnuts. She was wearing pink plastic curlers in her hair. That turns me off. But she was also wearing, a T-shirt (no bra) and short shorts. That turns me on.

  She sat across the table from me and nibbled on a doughnut.

  I know it will sound like I was around the bend, but the sight of her sharp white teeth biting into that doughnut was the sexiest thing I had ever seen, and I decided it was time to go for broke.

  "Tomorrow's the day," I told her.

  "For what?" she said, all innocence.

  "What you and I talked about," I said. "The romance of the ages."

  "I don't know," she said hesitatingly. "I'm not sure.

  I reached across the table to take her hand. "Mabel," I said, looking directly into her eyes, "don't pass up this chance, or you'll regret it for the rest of your life-and so will I. You and I are meant for each other, I just know it. We think alike, and we feel alike. We both want the same thing-a little fun, a little- happiness, before we get too old to enjoy it. Am I right?"

  She nodded.

  "Then let's do it," I urged her. "Tomorrow at noon. No one will know, no one will find out. just you and me. It'll be our secret, and it'll be great." She finished her doughnut and licked her fingers. "What should I wear, Herm?" she asked in a low voice.

  I grinned at her. "Whatever you can get out of in a hurry.

  We're not going to be playing Chinese checkers, you know. Mabel, this is going to be the joy of a lifetime. I'm going to love you like you've never been loved before."

  "I've got to get home in time to make dinner. if "That'll give us at least four hours together. Four hours of paradise."

  "You'll get there before me?"

  "Guaranteed.

  "And there won't be any problems with the desk clerk?

  "Absolutely not. I'll grease his palm to make sure.

  There's an ice machine in the lobby. What do you want me to bring along to drink?"

  "I like Galliano."

  "You've got it. I'll even bring a lime. Now let I'll write down the me have a piece of paper, and I address and how to get there."

  Before I left the Barrow kitchen, we embraced and exchanged a soul kiss.

  My God, she was soft.

  And so ready! I could feel it.

  "Wednesday noon," I whispered in her ear. I'm going to take you to the stars."

  "Don't forget the Galliano," she said.

  I drove to my office as horny and excited as a teenager.

  The first thing I did was phone the motel and reserve a room for noon on Wednesday, September 2. I asked for a vibrating bed, figuring it might be good for a laugh.

  I slaved all day, catching up on the paperwork I had been neglecting.

  I went out for lunch but didn't have a single drink.

  I was determined to stay sober and get to bed early. I wanted to be physically fit for the motel scene on Wednesday. I, just knew it was going to be a memorable bang.

  I was a Boy Scout for the remainder of the day, worked hard, treated my employees with respect (to their shock), and went directly home from the office. I did stop briefly to pick up fresh flowers and a key lime pie.

  Question, Why are married men who plan to cheat so attentive to their wives beforehand?

  What a nice, peaceable, domestic evening that was! Marleen loved the flowers, and Tania loved the pie. But I think what they liked best was that, for the first time in a long time, I was acting like a "man of the house," a sober and solicitous husband and father. To tell you the truth, I didn't find it a trial. I think I enjoyed it.

  I may have been wrong, but that night I had the feeling that with a little salesmanship I could have persuaded Marleen to let me into her bed. I didn't make the effort. All I could think about were sharp, white teeth biting into a glazed doughnut. I guess there are words for guys like me.
Schmo is one of them.

  "Oh, by the way, Herm," Marleen said, "that new cologne I told you about-I left a sample on your bathroom sink. I wish you'd try it and tell me what you think."

  "Sure, lion," I said. "I'll use it tomorrow."

  I awoke early on Wednesday morning. It was a strange feeling to get up unhungover. What a high that was! I heard Marleen and Tania moving about and talking downstairs, so I stayed in bed until the house quieted down and I knew Marleen had left for work.

  Then I started getting ready for the first day's assignation-with emphasis on the syllable.

  I probably don't have to tell you, but in situations like this the man's preparations are as detailed and finicky as the woman's, if not more so.

  I mean I took extra care in brushing my teeth and shaving closely. I did a thorough job in the shower, too, and spent a lot of time in selecting my seduction costume, not too dull, not too flashy. it was, I thought, something like putting on a confirmation suit.

  But before I dressed, I inspected the new cologne marleen had left on the bathroom sink. It was in a spray dispenser and unlabeled. I spritzed a little onto one hand, rubbed my palms together, and sniffed the fragrance.

  I liked it. As Marleen had said, it was spicy and minty and had a very refreshing after-scent. I sprayed my armpits and rubbed some on my chin, neck, and chest. it was cooling which, I supposed, came from the alcohol base. But even after that evaporated, I could smell the aroma.

  It wasn't overpowering, and I had the feeling Mabel Barrow would love it. That wonderful woman!

  All perfumed and duded up, I went out into a perfect day, warm sun, cloudless sky, kissing breeze. What a great world it was! I saw Tania and Chet huddled in the Barrows' garage and waved to them. What marvelous kids! Both of them were winners, and I loved them, I really did.

  The drive to the Fort Lauderdale motel was a delight. I just felt so good that I wanted it to go on forever! It was like being born again, seeing, everything for the first time. Colors seemed so vivid, traffic sounds were music, and I even sang as I drove. I don't remember the tune but it was so bright and cheerful I had to laugh!

  The people at the motel couldn't have been nicer, I had no problems at all. The room they gave me was spacious, sunlit, and spotlessly clean.

  It was only then that I realized I had forgotten to bring a bottle of Galliano. I went back to the lobby and from a vending machine I bought two cans of cold A amp;W diet root beer. I was happy with my choice.

  Mabel would be delighted!

  She arrived about twenty minutes later, and she looked absolutely beautiful! She was wearing jeans and a pink cotton shirt, and her hair positively glistened. She was radiant, and I realized how fortunate I was that she loved me.

  I took her in my arms and told her how I felt.

  "Sweetheart," I said, "just being with you is all a man could want.

  These moments are so precious to me. You look so sweet I could eat you up."

  "That, too," she said. "Where's the Galliano?"

  "First," I said, "let's snuggle awhile."

  She looked at me strangely. "Snuggle?" she said. on Tuesday morning Herm came over for a Hcup of java and gave me the motel pitch again. I figured what the hell, fish or cut bait, Shouldn't-I have fun. and I was tired of the shit I was taking So I made up my mind right then and told him okay, I'd shack up with him at noon on Wednesday If he was even half the lover he claimed to be, it would be a hoot. had Finally deciding calmed me down. I mean I been worrying the problem a long time, and now I felt with Dr. Cherry things. I had a session better about esday afternoon and tried to explain. Noble on Tu "Look," I said, "I'm no great brain, and I know it. I happen to be a very physical woman, and I need my jollies. Is that so awful?"

  "Quite normal," she said, smiling.

  "So I've decided to kick over the traces," I went on. "One time, at least. I don't like the idea of cheating on my husband, but what he doesn't know won't hurt him-right? , "Mmm," she said.

  "I know I'm taking a chance," I said. "I mean if this guy turns out to be the world's greatest stud, I might get hooked.

  Know what I mean?"

  "I know," she said.

  "Then it would become a habit, and I'd turn into a bimbo.

  But I don't think that's going to happen. I may not be brainy, but I know what's best for me. Greg has a lot of good qualities.

  He's steady, a hard worker, and I guess he loves me in his own nutty way. And he brings home the paycheck. I'm not giving that up for a toss in the hay, even if the guy turns out to be Superman."

  Cherry looked at me a moment. "I presume the man you're talking about is your next-door neighbor, the one you told me about."

  "That's right. He's a boozer, which is another reason I can't see myself getting seriously involved. But he's fun, and that's something that's been missing from my life."

  "By fun I presume you mean sexual pleasure."

  "That's what I mean all right. Do you blame me?"

  "No, Mabel, I don't blame you. I'm not going to tell you that you're doing the right thing or the wrong thing. It's your choice to make.

  Do you want to continue seeing me?"

  That question surprised me because after I decided I'd give Herman Todd a hump, I also decided I didn't need Dr. Noble anymore. I mean I had found a cure for what ailed me, hadn't I?

  So why did I need a shrink? Besides, it cost plenty.

  "I think I should stop," I admitted. "I really appreciate your listening to all my complaints. It's been a big help talking to a smart woman like you. But maybe I'll try things on my own for a while.

  Okay?"

  "of course," she said. "I understand completely. I wish you the best of luck, and if you ever decide you'd like to talk to me again, I'll be here."

  "You're a darling," I said.,You know that? Listen, doc, you got a guy?"

  She flipped a hand back and forth. "Sort of," she said.

  "Well, he's an idiot if he lets you get away," I told her.

  She laughed. "Thank you, Mabel. I think so, too, but I'm not sure he does."

  "What's the problem?" I asked her.

  She looked at me in a strained kind of way. "Much the same as yours," she said finally. "With complications."

  And that's all she'd say.

  I spent all Wednesday morning getting ready. Chester was out in the garage with Tania Todd-I guess they were playing or something-so I had the house to myself.

  I was going to get all gussied up because this was a big deal in my life. But then I figured what was the point because I'd be bare-ass naked all afternoon and didn't have to impress Herm with my duds. He'd probably rip them off anyway. So after I showered, I just pulled on jeans and a cotton shirt so if anyone saw me, they'd think I was heading for Sears or someplace like that. , While I was doing my hair, Laura Gunther phoned from Hashbeam's Bo-teek.

  "Mabel," she said, all excited, "you've got to come down right away.

  We just got in a new shipment of lingerie, and you're going to love some of the things. I took one look and immediately thought of you."

  "Aw, Laura," I said, "I can't make it today. I promised this friend to have lunch with her at Mizner Plaza. As a matter of fact, I was just leaving when you called."

  "That's too bad," she said. "You'll be gone all day? "

  "Probably," I told her. "But I'll try to stop by tomorrow.

  "

  "That's fine," she said. "See you then."

  So I finished dressing. I didn't take a purse or handbag, just my wallet stuck in the hip pocket of my jeans. I didn't want to run the risk of leaving ID in the motel room.

  "Chester, I'm going out now," I called into the garage.

  "Got some shopping to do. I'll be home for dinner."

  "Okay, Ma," he yelled. "Take your time."

  I got into the Roadmaster, took a deep breath, and started out for Fort Lauderdale. Herm's directions were easy to follow, and I don't think it took much over twenty minutes to find the motel. What ca
n I tell you-it looked like a motel. It wasn't the Ritz-Carlton, but it seemed clean enough. The best part was that it was way off in the woods, and the chances of being spotted by someone I knew were practically nil.

  Like Herman promised, I had no trouble at the desk. They gave me his room number right away with no questions asked. Up to that point, everything had gone without a hitch, and I was really beginning to get excited at what was going to happen now.

  The room he had rented was nothing special, just your standard motel flop, but what the hell, we weren't going to live there. What was a shock was Herm's behavior. He greeted me with this sappy smile, and if I didn't know better, I'd have guessed he was stoned. Not drunk, but stoned.

  After the door closed and locked, he grabbed me in his arms and held me tightly. He said he wanted to snuggle awhile. So we stood there clasped together like a couple of idiots for what seemed like five minutes. "Oh, I just love to hug," he said.

  "Don't you just love to hug?"

  "Well, yeah, sure," I said. "A hug is okay. Sort of like an appetizer-know what I mean?"

  Finally he turned me loose and led me over to one of the beds. We sat close together. Now we'll get down to business, I thought. Then I noticed a thing on the bedside table that looked like a little vending machine. it had a long wire leading to the mattress.

  "What's that?" I asked him.

  "Oh, that's funny," he said. "You turn it on, and the bed starts to vibrate."

  "No kidding?" I said. "I've never seen anything like that.

  Turn it on, Herm."

  "We don't need it, sweetheart." , "I just want to see how it works. Switch it on.

  So he did, and I turned the dial to High. Sure enough, the whole bed began to shake.

  Hey," I said as we started jiggling, "that's crazy. Now's a good time to have a swig of Galliano."

  "Oh, I forgot to bring it," he said. "But I do have this cold A amp;W diet root beer. Isn't that great!"

  I just looked at him, and he put an arm around my shoulders.

  "The important thing, Mabel," he said, "is caring. Don't you agree?"

  "Oh sure," I said, wondering where the hell he was coming from.

  "I care for you so much," he went on. "You have no idea.