Pure Torture (Oblivion on Tour #3)

by Tania Sparks

  I get a dreaded feeling of worry in my stomach, “What if something’s happened to him?”

  Nikki responds quickly, “No, no, he’s fine Kitty, when he didn’t show, Scott called him on his cell phone and Cody told him that he’d met up with a friend and he’d just meet us tomorrow afternoon for sound check in Munich. But I wasn’t sure if he’d remember to call you if he was out and I know you two have been talking every night, so I figured I’d call you, so you’re not just waiting around for him to call.”

  “Oh, okay.” I say hesitantly. That doesn’t sound like Cody, we always talk, every single night. I try to put on a happy act for Nikki, “Was it a female friend?” I ask hesitantly, not really wanting to know the answer.

  The line is silent for a while then Nikki responds, “Not sure, he didn’t say.” I can tell he’s lying and even if he didn’t know for sure the simple fact that Nikki’s hesitant lets me know that he’s pretty sure that Cody’s hooked up with some girl.

  Nikki must sense that I’m upset so he tries to reassure me, “Don’t worry Kitty, I’m sure he wouldn’t cheat on you. He misses you like hell. I don’t think he’d be stupid enough to hook up with some random chick. Besides, if he has I’ll kick his ass so hard he won’t be able to sit down for a month.”

  Nikki’s reassurance doesn’t really help, but I appreciate that he thought to call me. “Thanks Nikki. Anyways, thanks for letting me know. I’d rather know than be sitting here waiting for a call I’m not going to get.”

  “No problem sis.”

  I really need to get off this phone call. I know in my heart that Cody’s taken off with some skank. Maybe he’s been feeling lonely and needed some female company. I knew this long distance thing would be hard. I have a lump in my throat and I don’t want to cry in front of Nikki so I say, “I’d better go.”

  Nikki is not stupid and he senses that I’m upset, he says caringly, “You sure you’re gonna be okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I lie, but my voice is shaky.

  Nikki mumbles, “You don’t sound fine sweetheart.”

  “I’m okay, just really tired, I have school tomorrow so I’d better get some sleep.”

  “Okay, if you say so. Sweet dreams. You call me for anything okay, even if it’s just to talk?”

  “Will do, thanks Nikki. Bye.”

  “Bye Kit.”

  The line goes dead. Shit this is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. I have a dreadful feeling that Cody has found a girl that he wants to spend some time with. I feel absolutely devastated. I thought we had been trying so hard to make this long distance thing work for both of us, but it’s obviously not working at all. Every day I spend hours just waiting for those few minutes that I get to talk to him, then as soon as we hang up I’m miserable all over again. I can’t stand this see-saw of emotions. And it’s obviously not working for Cody either. From what Nikki’s told me he’s been miserable too, but he’s obviously decided to do something about it and has found a way to make himself happy.

  I think about it some more, maybe he’s been miserable because what he really wants is to go back to what he was doing before we got together, maybe what he really wants is to be single again, carefree and unattached. Maybe he’s finally decided that what he needs is to go off and have some fun with some random girl. I just wish that he’d talked to me about it first. We had an agreement that he’d tell me if he wanted out. I wonder why he hasn’t just told me?

  After spending the next hour imagining what he’s up to and getting angrier and more upset by the minute, I decide I just need to phone him to find out what’s going on. I need an answer and me sitting here pondering is stupid and it’s driving me crazy. I pick up my phone and dial his number. It rings, and rings and rings, but then just cuts off. Hmm, surely he didn’t hang up on me? I phone again and it rings and rings then eventually flicks through to voicemail. I hear his voice, “Hey, you’ve reached Cody, I’m too busy partying right now, leave a message and I’ll call ya back.” I hang up before I have to leave a message. I wait for a few more minutes then dial again, hoping that this time he’ll answer, but it goes straight to voicemail. Damn, did he see my name on his screen and send the call straight to voicemail? I feel the tears starting to build up in my eyes and my throat feels like it’s burning. If he’s not interested in being with me, he needs to tell me that, that was our agreement. I decide to call once more. The phone goes straight to voicemail.

  Shit! I lie down on my bed. How has this happened? How has it got to the stage that he’s gone out for the night with some groupie and won’t even talk to me? Everything seemed fine last night. He said he missed me. Maybe he just missed the company of a female and has decided to fix that problem by finding someone else?

  I lie awake just thinking, pondering and probably over-analyzing. Finally I come to the decision that I agree with Cody, this long distance thing is definitely not working. How in hell did I ever think it would? I feel stupid that I feel so happy as soon as we’re talking, but miserable for the rest of the day and night.

  And he’s obviously not happy either. I come to the conclusion that if he doesn’t have the balls to tell me it’s over, then I’m going to have to tell him. I make a resolution that I’ll call him again tomorrow. Then I’ll tell him that we should just call it quits. Yeah I’ll be miserable, in fact I’ll be downright depressed, but that has to be better than this up and down roller coaster of emotions and I definitely won’t tolerate cheating.

  I’m having difficulty sleeping and I’m dozing in and out of consciousness. I’ve only just managed to drift off when my phone rings. I look over to my alarm clock and see that it’s three in the morning. I look to my phone and see that it’s Cody calling. It’s about nine in the morning over there, has he just got back from his “date” and remembered to call me?

  I feel reluctant to answer. I know that as soon as I answer the phone then it means the end of our relationship. But I know that this is the best for both of us, we’re obviously making each other miserable. I need to let him go, let him be guilt-free about what he wants to do. I press the button to answer the call and sadly say, “Hello Cody.”

  He answers somberly, “Hey Kitty. Sorry I didn’t call last night. I know it’s really early in the morning back there, but I couldn’t wait any longer to talk to you.”

  “Where are you Cody?”

  “On the road, on the way to Munich.”

  “I know you’re not on the tour bus Cody. I spoke to Nikki last night.”

  The line is silent for a few seconds. He’s obviously trying to think of some lame excuse, so I just say to him, “Look Cody, this isn’t working.”

  He answers quickly, “What do you mean this isn’t working?”

  “I’m miserable Cody. I miss you like hell, but I don’t want to be the girl that’s sitting at home waiting for some guy to call her while he’s out on the town doing god-knows-what.”

  “Kitty, I wasn’t out on the town…”

  I interrupt him. “Cody, look no lies between us okay.”

  He interrupts me just as abruptly, “Kitty you have it wrong. I just needed to be alone…”

  I snap back just as quickly, “Cody, I know you were out with someone.”

  “Kitty, you’ve got the wrong idea.”

  I cut him off abruptly, I can tell he’s just going to continue to deny that he did anything, but I know that if I don’t break it off with him we will both just continue to be miserable. I tell him, “Cody, It’s not working for me either. We need to call it for what it is. It was great while it was working, but it’s not working now. We’re not working now. I think we should just stop calling each other, it’s too difficult. Whenever we’ve finished talking I always feel so depressed. We need to move on Cody.”

  “No, that’s fucking ridiculous Kitty.” He sounds pretty angry now, “I didn’t phone one fucking time and you think I’m out doing fuck knows what. Where’s the trust? Shit, I don’t want anybody else, why would I…”

&nbs
p; He’s not going to make this easy. I don’t want him to have to lie to me. I figure that the only way we’re going to be able to make a clean break is if he thinks I’ve moved on, so I tell him the most gut-wrenching lie that I could ever come up with. “I’ve met someone else Cody.”

  The line is silent then Cody abruptly mutters, “Okay, if that’s what you want. I thought I meant more to you, but I guess I’m just going to have to deal with that. Take care sweetheart. Bye.”

  The line disconnects and instantly the tears start pouring from my eyes. Have I really just broken up with Cody? My breathing is rapid, my heart is pounding loudly in my chest and the room feels like it’s closing in on me. I feel so very, deeply sad. I felt down before, but this is different, this is devastating. I don’t know how I’m going to cope. Have I made the worst mistake of my life? It all feels like it’s too much. My life seems to be spiraling out of control. First losing Mom and now Cody. I’m not in a good place, I know that, but I don’t know how to get out. It feels like my world is imploding. I just want to get away from it all. I lie down on my bed and try to close my eyes, eventually I cry myself to sleep.

  I wake up after only a few hours, I look over to the alarm clock and it’s seven o’clock. My body feels exhausted, my mind feels dead, my eyes are red and swollen, my throat aches and I feel wretchedly unhappy.

  I pull the covers up over my head and try unsuccessfully to go back to sleep. A million thoughts are swirling through my mind. I can’t figure out a way of getting over this, it feels too much, it feels like there is nothing in my life that’s worth continuing for. Maybe if I just stay here in bed, under the covers, crying, sleeping and waking up and crying again, maybe then it will all just fix itself and one day I’ll get up and everything will be right in the world again. But I know that’s not going to happen, so I just sleep. My body doesn’t seem to have the energy to get up, I’m exhausted, physically and mentally.

  ~~~

  It’s been three days now since I broke it off with Cody. Dad’s been constantly coming in and trying to get me out of bed but I haven’t moved from my hideaway under the blankets. It’s a Friday afternoon and the phone out in the kitchen rings and I hear Dad answer it. The next minute I hear a knock on my door. Dad pokes his head inside and holds out the phone to me. He tells me, “It’s for you Kitty. It’s the school Dean, he wants to talk to you.”

  I pull myself out of bed, push the blankets off and sit up. Dad frowns at me, I’m still in my pajamas even though it’s three o’clock in the afternoon and I don’t think my hair has been brushed for three days so it’s just a mat of black knots. I haven’t been going to school and I guess that’s why the Dean is calling. Dad walks inside my room and hands me the phone. I mumble, “Hello, this is Kitty.”

  A deep baritone answers, “Kitty, it’s Dean Lockwood here from the school. Look we’re a bit concerned about you. Your grades are seriously in trouble, which is not like you at all. Your attendance over recent weeks has been sporadic at best, and now you haven’t shown up since Tuesday. We’re concerned and I’d like to call you into the office to have a chat.”

  “Oh, okay.” I reply worriedly. I had realized that my school work wasn’t really up to my usual standard, but I didn’t really think it was that bad.

  Dean Lockwood continues, “I’ll expect to see you at nine sharp on Monday morning in my office, okay Kitty?”

  “Sure, no problem sir.” I reply.

  “Good bye then.”

  “Good bye.”

  I hang up the phone, a little shocked that I’ve been called into the Dean’s office. I’ve never been called into the office before, I’m normally a straight A student, well behaved, punctual and dedicated to my studies. Now I’m a little worried because I know that I’ve let my standards drop. I’m in deeper than I realized.

  I decide to get up and have a shower, the first one I’ve had for three days. After I’ve cleaned up, I go out to the kitchen where Dad is already starting to prepare dinner. He sees me come in and walks up to me and gives me a big hug as he asks, “You okay princess? I’m really worried about you.”

  I take a deep breath and squeeze him hard, “Yeah, I’ll be fine Dad. I’m up and out of bed now, which has to be a step in the right direction. Sorry to have worried you and sorry I’ve not helped out for the last few days or so.”

  Dad kisses me on top of my head, “That’s okay sweetheart, I’m not really worried about the help, I can cope. I’m more worried about you, you seem so depressed and I was starting to wonder if you’d ever get out of bed.”

  “I’ll be okay Dad.”

  After giving me another kiss on the cheek, Dad smiles hands me a wooden spoon. He points to the pot simmering on the stove. I smile, take the spoon from him and start stirring.

  ~~~

  It’s Monday afternoon and my meeting with the Dean this morning scared the hell out of me. He told me that they were really concerned about my drastic drop in standards. He basically told me that they understood that the death of my Mom has been a great toll on me. But they also told me that if I didn’t buck up my ideas and straighten my head, that I’d fail. That was enough to encourage me to make a pact with myself. I need to try extra hard over the remainder of the semester to ensure I do pass. The Dean told me that if I put in the effort over the remaining weeks, I should be able to scrape through. I took his advice on board and I’m determined to work my hardest to make it happen, whether I feel happy or not.

  Chapter 18

  I’ve been putting every effort into my school work and I now feel semi-confident that I’ve done enough to pass. I still feel really sad, but I am determined to push back my depression and fight my way through. At least I manage to drag myself out of bed every day.

  It’s been nine weeks since I broke it off with Cody. It took us a few weeks before we could even speak to each other again, but it happened by accident one night when I tried to phone Nikki, but Cody answered the call. It was awkward at first but that first contact with him after three weeks of not hearing his voice was amazing. I still remember that phone call very clearly. I had dialed Nikki’s cell phone number, it rung quite a few times before it was finally picked up, but it was Cody on the other end of the phone instead of Nikki. I can recall the conversation very clearly:

  “Hey this is Cody.”

  A sudden pang of shock hits me at hearing Cody’s voice. I hesitate for a few seconds because I don’t know whether to hang up, but I figure that would be really pathetic because Nikki’s phone probably has my number stored in it and Cody must have realized it was me calling before he answered.

  I mutter, “Hey Cody. It’s Kitty, how are you?”

  I can feel Cody’s tentativeness over the phone line, then he answers in a guarded voice, “I’m okay, how’s the boyfriend?”

  I tell him truthfully, “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

  “That didn’t last long. Are you okay?”

  It makes me feel so grateful that Cody still cares enough be concerned as to whether or not I’m okay. I take a deep breath and cautiously admit, “There was never anybody else Cody.”

  I hear Cody’s sharp intake of breath then he demands confusedly, “Then why the hell did you tell me there was? I don’t understand.”

  I need to tell him how hurt I was when he had gone off that night with a girl without talking to me first and letting me know he wanted something different, I tell him, “You wanted out of our relationship Cody, you were the one that went off with some girl…”

  Cody responds quickly and sounds rather irate, “What the hell are you talking about?”

  I’m starting to feel angry that he’s still denying anything happened, I start to ask again, “That night…”

  But before I can continue with my accusation he cuts me off, “I never cheated on you Kitty, I tried to tell you that – there was no girl. I tried to explain to you that the guys had all been giving me a real hard time about me moping around. I just didn’t feel like putting up with them on t
he tour bus on the long drive all the way to Munich. Their jibing and teasing wasn’t helping my mood in the fucking slightest. So I lied to them, I told them I’d met up with a friend and that I’d meet them in Munich. I knew they’d all think I’d hooked up with some girl, but at that point I didn’t really care what they thought, I just wanted to get my head straight. Driving always did help me think. I’d been missing you like hell and I’d really been struggling with the whole long-distance thing but I didn’t know what to do about it. So I just hired a car and drove myself to Munich. But after driving for hours I still didn’t feel any better or have any answers, so I pulled over and called you. I just needed to hear your voice. But then you told me that there was someone else. Fuck Kitty, are you now telling me there was never anybody else for you?”

  I knot of dread settles in my tummy, what had I done? Had I made a massive mistake by breaking it off with him? He hadn’t cheated on me after all! I mutter regretfully, “There was never anyone else Cody. Do you honestly, swear on my life, that there was nobody else for you either?”

  “I swear on your life, there was no girl! I’m not a cheat Kitty.” He hesitates for a bit and then continues, “But shit darlin’ the last few weeks…I thought…you told me you’d found someone else. I was convinced you’d moved on…I’ve been…shit…I thought you’d…so I…now I do feel like a cheating asshole.”

  I suddenly feel terribly stupid. I had jumped to a conclusion and hadn’t even given Cody my trust, I had just presumed. And then I had lied to him and told him that I had moved on when the reality was that neither of us had moved on at all. This is entirely my fault, I ruined everything. I mutter in disbelief, more of an acknowledgement than a question. “You didn’t cheat that night.”