A Daughter's Dream

by Cathy Sharp

  ‘I’m not sure what to say.’

  ‘Don’t say anything. I know I’m not the one.’

  He started the car again and edged out into the road, which was free of traffic. The country lanes were often like this and we sometimes didn’t pass anything but a farm cart for miles. We wouldn’t hit any real traffic until we went through a town.

  I was silent as he drove on. His announcement had shocked me and made me feel guilty. Was I so wrapped up in my work that I had stopped noticing the people around me? I should have realized how John felt. I had been using him just as I used Matthew and it wasn’t fair.

  The first general strike in history was now official. A state of emergency had been called after talks broke down between the TUC and the government when printers at the Daily Mail refused to print a leading article entitled ‘FOR KING AND COUNTRY’. The country had been divided into areas run by Civil Commissioners as talk of a long struggle threw fear into the hearts of many. In south Wales, Yorkshire and Scotland the troops were called out, and there was talk of violence being used to break the strike.

  London was in turmoil. The buses, some trains and lorries carrying essential foodstuffs were kept going by concerned citizens who felt it their duty to keep the country from grinding to a halt. From the first, men and women had queued to sign up as special volunteers to move essential supplies. Undergraduates, stockbrokers and barristers took the places of the workers, driving steam trains and lorries, and usually thought it a jolly lark to be doing such a vastly different job from their own.

  ‘It’s all such fun,’ Jane told me when she came into the shop a few days into the strike. ‘We’ve got a canteen going for the heroes who are keeping us afloat, Amy. I’ve been organizing it all, ordering the food and getting people together. We could do with some volunteers to help out in the evenings. I don’t suppose you would like to come and help?’

  ‘Yes, I could do that,’ I told her. ‘My cousin John has been manning food lorries with some others from his office. I know he’s working all hours, and he says that everyone is exhausted. The least I can do is serve at tables or something.’

  ‘Oh, that’s wonderful,’ she said. ‘A pretty face like yours always cheers people up … But now to what I really came in for. I’m putting on weight and I need some of my dresses letting out at the waist. Do you think you could do that for me, Amy?’

  ‘Yes, of course,’ I said. ‘Bring them in one or two at a time and Margaret will tell you if we can alter them successfully or not.’

  She gave me a card with an address written on the back.

  ‘Come at about seven if you can, Amy. Most of our volunteers want to leave before then, because they have to get home to their husbands and families. That’s why I thought of you, because you don’t absolutely have to do anything in the evenings, do you?’

  ‘No. No, I don’t,’ I agreed ruefully, thinking of the designs I had planned to work on that evening. ‘Nothing that can’t keep for a while anyway.’

  I was thoughtful during the day. First Lainie, and now Jane was telling me that my life was meaningless and empty. They were beginning to get to me, and I had been tempted to telephone Matthew again, but I was no longer sure that he would want to hear from me.

  I dressed in a simple dark coat and dress that I thought suitable for serving at the canteen that evening. It was impossible to catch a bus and the taxis all had passengers, so I had to walk to the address Jane had given me, which fortunately took no more than half an hour.

  She looked at me as I entered, glancing at her watch.

  ‘You’re a bit late, Amy.’

  ‘I had to walk. I didn’t realize the taxis were all so busy.’

  ‘Well, of course. Your trouble is that you don’t live in the real world. All you do is make those gorgeous dresses of yours and go to parties. I don’t suppose you’ve realized how terribly busy we all are trying to keep London from grinding to a standstill.’

  I thought it was a bit rich of Jane, who probably hadn’t done a day’s work in her life before this, but I didn’t say anything, I merely listened to her instructions before I started to serve at tables. It was obvious that Jane was enjoying herself and liked her new sense of importance.

  Some of the younger men joked with me as I served them their tea and hot food. One caught my hand and turned it up to look at the palms.

  ‘It’s a shame to spoil such lovely hands,’ he said with a cheeky grin. ‘Don’t you let them make you help with the washing-up, sweetheart.’

  ‘I’ll try to get out of that,’ I said and smiled.

  John came in at about half past eleven. He saw me at once and his face lit up.

  ‘Amy, I didn’t know you were here.’

  ‘It’s my first time. I’ve been here since about a quarter to eight. I’m due to leave in half an hour when we close. I don’t think there’s much left in the way of food – perhaps a cheese roll?’

  ‘A cup of tea is all I need. I’ll hang on and take you home when you’ve finished,’ he said. ‘I don’t like you being out this late at night. We had a bit of trouble earlier in the evening. There was a fight and some of the men were hurt. I was at the hospital with one young lad, that’s why I’m so late.’

  ‘It’s nice for me that you were. I had to walk here and I wasn’t looking forward to the walk home.’

  ‘I’ve got my car. I almost went straight home, but then I was passing and I thought I would call in and see how things were going. This place has been a godsend to the lads. Meeting up here helps to keep them going.’

  I smiled and went to fetch John his tea and the last remaining cheese roll. He drank the tea but left the roll, which had become a little stale.

  ‘I don’t think I fancy that,’ he said. ‘I’ll get something at home.’

  ‘I could make you an omelette if you like. I’m not a very good cook, John, but I can make simple things.’

  ‘That’s more than I can,’ he said. ‘My landlady usually cooks supper for me but I told her not to bother this evening. But you won’t want to go to all that trouble, Amy.’

  ‘After what you’ve been doing?’ I glanced at the empty tables. ‘I’ll just tell the others. I think we could close up now. I doubt we shall see any more customers this evening.’

  John smiled and I went to get my coat as a sleepy woman emerged from the kitchen to lock the front door.

  It felt pleasant when we went out, though the streets seemed quite eerie without the usual traffic and the lights were out in many of the shop windows because of the need to conserve energy.

  ‘I’m glad I didn’t have to walk home this evening.’

  ‘Yes, it wouldn’t have been nice for you,’ John said. ‘If you’re going to work late again, Amy, I’ll make it a habit to come and pick you up.’

  ‘Then I insist that you let me make you some supper.’

  ‘If you really don’t mind. It’s ages since I ate anything.’

  ‘I always mean what I say.’

  John followed me into the kitchen as I went to make his omelette. I had just placed it on the table when the telephone rang. I was surprised, but went to answer it, my heart beating fast. I hoped it wasn’t bad news. My father had seemed well the last time I visited, but why was someone calling me at this hour?

  ‘Amy?’ Matthew’s voice came over the line. ‘You’re there now, then. I came round earlier and you weren’t in, and I’ve rung you several times since. I was a bit worried. I know there has been some trouble on the streets.’

  ‘Yes, John told me about it. He has been driving food lorries and he says there was a fight. He went to hospital with a young lad earlier.’

  John called out something to me, and I answered him.

  ‘I’m sorry. John asked me where to find the salt. I’ve just cooked him an omelette.

  ‘Is he with you? At this hour?’

  ‘Yes. He came into the canteen where I was working and brought me home. He hadn’t eaten for ages so I made him something.’
r />   ‘I see. It seems that I was worrying for nothing then. I won’t keep you, since you have company, Amy – but perhaps I could see you one evening soon?’

  ‘I’m going to be working for a few nights, Matthew.’

  ‘In that case, forget it.’

  The receiver was hung up abruptly. I stared at it, surprised. I couldn’t recall the last time Matthew had lost his temper with me. We had quarrelled often when we were courting, but since we’d decided to be friends he had never raised his voice to me in anger.

  ‘Some bother?’ John asked as I went back into the kitchen.

  ‘No, nothing really. Matthew was in a bit of a mood.’ John had finished his omelette and was about to put the plate in the washing-up bowl.

  ‘Leave that,’ I told him. ‘You must be exhausted.’

  ‘Perhaps Matthew didn’t like the idea of my being here. I shouldn’t have come.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. You’re my cousin and my friend, and I decide what I do with my life, not Matthew.’

  ‘He’s very much in love with you.’ John yawned. ‘I’d better go. I’ve got to be on duty at six tomorrow.’

  ‘Why don’t you stay here? You can sleep in Lainie’s room.’

  ‘People would talk, Amy. It’s not fair to you.’

  ‘This is 1926, not the Victorian era. You look worn out. Besides, who is going to know? You will be gone before six.’

  He was almost falling asleep on his feet. I took his arm and steered him towards the spare bedroom.

  ‘If you’re sure. I’ll try not to wake you in the morning.’

  ‘You won’t. I’m up by soon after six most mornings. Goodnight, John.’

  We parted and I went to my own room, falling asleep almost as soon as my head touched the pillow.

  I worked every night for nearly a week at the canteen and John came to take me home in his car. I was grateful for the lift but after that first night he refused to come in.

  ‘Someone might notice,’ he said. ‘I don’t want you to lose your reputation for my sake. I’ll get off home.’

  Then, quite suddenly, the strike began to break down. The TUC had realized that solidarity with the miners was costing them dearly, and the government was determined that they would not be beaten on this issue. The union called its workers back, leaving the miners to struggle alone.

  ‘I’m rather disappointed,’ Jane said when she came into the shop to tell me that they were closing down the canteen. ‘It was good fun. But we shan’t need you this evening, Amy. I shall be writing to all our volunteers to thank them on behalf of the committee, but I wanted to tell you myself.’

  I thanked her for calling in, knowing that she had also come to collect a dress that Margaret had finished altering for her. I was glad that the strike was over. Sally had told me that it was causing terrible hardship for the wives and mothers of the striking men.

  ‘I can’t imagine what them poor bloody miners’ wives must be going through,’ she said. ‘It’s all right for the men to dig their heels in, but the women ’ave to feed their kids just the same.’

  Margaret agreed with her. ‘We’re having a bring and buy sale for the miners, Amy. It isn’t that we agree with what they’re doing, of course, but you can’t let those little children go hungry.’

  ‘I’ll come, and I’ll give you some things for the sale,’ I promised. ‘I’ll go and fetch them now.’

  I took Paul’s painting box from my wardrobe and added it to the small pile of shoes, bags and bead jewellery that I had collected on the bed. It caused a tiny pang of regret to part with Paul’s gift but I knew it was the right thing to do. I needed to move on and the money it fetched would help a good cause.

  Margaret exclaimed over the box.

  ‘This is far too good, Amy. It hasn’t been used.’

  ‘I want you to have it for the sale. I prefer to use my old one.’

  ‘Well, if you’re sure. We sometimes get quite good prices for our things, and I shan’t let it go for nothing.’

  I told her to sell it for whatever she could get and forgot about it. I had other things on my mind.

  Matthew hadn’t rung me since the evening I’d told him I would be busy for a few days. I had tried to telephone him but I’d had no answer.

  I decided to telephone my mother that afternoon.

  ‘Have you heard the news?’ she asked. ‘Thank goodness that dreadful strike is over, Amy.’

  ‘Yes, it is good news.’

  ‘I’ve been a bit worried about you working at that canteen every night.’

  ‘It has been hard work and I’m tired. I think I shall have an early night. Then I really must get down to the last-minute details for my show.’

  ‘Oh, yes, that’s in ten days, isn’t it?

  ‘Yes. Are you coming, Mum?’

  ‘Of course I am. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.’ She hesitated, then said, ‘Have you quarrelled with Matthew?’

  ‘No. He was a bit moody last time he rang, but it wasn’t a quarrel. I’ve been trying to reach him. Would you tell him I would like to see him, please, Mum?’

  ‘Yes, of course I will, love. I’m glad you haven’t fallen out. He’s such a help to your father. They’re always planning something together these days. Are you coming to see us soon?’

  ‘Perhaps this weekend. I’ve been too busy recently.’

  ‘Good. I shan’t keep you any longer then. Take care of yourself, Amy.’

  I replaced the receiver and then went into the kitchen. Suddenly my usual supper of egg or cheese on toast wasn’t very appealing, but I couldn’t be bothered with anything more complicated just for me. I picked up an apple, munching it as I went through into the bathroom and turned on the taps.

  An hour or so later I emerged from the warmth of the bath feeling refreshed. I pulled on a comfortable robe and wrapped a towel around my head. It was only then that I realized the doorbell was ringing. Groaning, I decided I had better answer it, since whoever was there seemed determined to keep on ringing until I did.

  Running down the stairs, I fastened the chain my brother had insisted on installing for me before opening it a crack to see who was there.

  ‘Matthew!’ I cried in surprise. ‘I’m sorry I was so long. I was in the bath.’

  ‘Sorry. Bridget said you wanted to see me.’

  ‘I did – I do.’ I unfastened the chain. ‘Come upstairs. You can wait in the sitting room while I get dressed. It won’t take a minute.’

  ‘I should’ve telephoned first.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter. You’re not going to take advantage just because I’m improperly dressed, are you?’

  Matthew didn’t answer, his mouth set in a grim line. I hurried on ahead of him, towelling my hair and running a comb through it afterwards. I slipped on some pretty silk underwear and a simple dress. I was fastening the buttons at the front when I went back to join him.

  ‘I haven’t bothered with make-up and my hair must look a mess.’

  ‘You always look lovely to me. These days I never see you unless you’re dressed up like something from a fashion magazine.’

  ‘I have to look smart. My customers expect it.’

  ‘Oh, yes, keep the customers happy. They are the important ones. It doesn’t matter what I think.’

  ‘Matthew! Are you trying to quarrel with me?’

  ‘I might be. Sometimes I feel like strangling you, Amy.’

  ‘Matthew!’ I was startled. ‘What’s wrong with you this evening? Is it because I cooked supper for John the other night?’

  ‘Was that all it was – supper? His car was here all night. I saw it at five thirty in the morning when I passed by.’ His eyes smouldered with resentment as he looked at me.

  ‘He was exhausted. He slept in Lainie’s room. There was nothing between us. There never could be. John is just a friend.’

  ‘The way I’m just a friend?’ he asked bitterly. ‘Do you like to keep us dangling like bloody fools? Does it amuse you to see men suffer? A
nyone can see that the poor devil is besotted with you.’

  ‘John is fond of me, but he knows I feel only friendship for him and that is all he wants.’

  ‘If you believe that you are blind or mad. John is in love with you. He hangs on in the hope that one day you will care enough about him to marry him.’

  ‘Then I’m sorry, but I didn’t ask him to fall in love with me. I can’t help the way he feels. Besides, I don’t see what John’s feelings have to do with you, Matt.’

  ‘Don’t you? Then it’s about time you started to look about you and take notice of what other people think and feel, instead of being wrapped up in yourself all the time. I’m tired of running every time you snap your fingers.’

  ‘I don’t snap my fingers!’

  ‘I ask you if we can meet and you say you’re too busy. Then you ring your mother and leave a message that you want to see me – what else am I to think? You’ve got time on your hands so you send for me to amuse you, as if I’m a puppy dog.’

  ‘That’s not fair. It wasn’t like that. I’ve tried to telephone you several times and there’s never an answer. I thought that perhaps you were out with your new friend.’

  ‘What new friend?’ His eyes glinted with anger. ‘I’ve no idea what you mean, Amy.’

  ‘You went to the theatre with a lady when you were in Manchester.’

  ‘Nonsense! You’re the one who is always out. I do nothing but work.’

  ‘The hotel receptionist told me she knew you and that you were talking about a visit to the theatre with a very nice lady.’

  ‘She made a mistake …’ He stared at me for a moment and then gave a harsh laugh. ‘No, I did go somewhere with a friend, but it wasn’t the theatre.’

  ‘It doesn’t much matter where you went. You weren’t there when I phoned, and you’ve been out every time I’ve rung this past week.’

  ‘John wasn’t the only one to do voluntary work, Amy. I’ve been helping on the buses every night for a week and I’m tired.’

  ‘Perhaps that’s why you lost your temper with me.’