In Too Deep

by Dwayne S. Joseph

  Jalisa slept with me that night because she missed her daddy. I didn’t mind the company either. I said a silent prayer for Travis and Randy, and then closed my eyes and hoped to recapture the dream I’d started to have earlier that day.

  Randy

  A group of flowers, candles, and makeshift crosses were the first things that I noticed when I approached the home where Travis was killed. I looked down briefly at the temporary memorial. Each condolence written had been for Brian and his family. Travis’s name was nowhere to be found. I shook my head and continued on to the front door. I had no idea what I was going to say to Brian’s widow. Hell, I didn’t even know if she’d give me the opportunity to say anything at all once I’d told her who I was.

  I pressed the doorbell and waited while my heart beat heavily. As I did, I wondered what had been going through my brother’s mind as he had waited. When the door opened, I was greeted by a gray-haired woman, who looked to be in her late sixties or early seventies. “Can I help you?” she asked softly.

  I cleared my throat. “Um, hello. I’m looking for Natalie Wilson.”

  The woman frowned. “Natalie’s not up to seeing anyone right now.”

  I cleared my throat again. “Um, Mrs . . .”

  “Starks.”

  “Mrs. Starks, my name is Randy Lincoln.” I extended my hand.

  “Hello, Mr. Lincoln,” Mrs. Starks said, taking my hand in hers. “Are you a friend of my daughter’s?”

  “No, I’m not.”

  “Oh, then you must have been one of Brian’s friends.”

  I cleared the nervousness from my throat once more. “No, I wasn’t.” I cracked my knuckle. “Mrs. Starks . . . Travis was my younger brother.”

  Mrs. Starks’s mouth hung slightly open as she stared at me through slowly slitting eyes.

  “I’d like to speak to Natalie,” I said.

  Mrs. Starks watched me without words for a few more seconds and then backed away and closed the door on me. I dropped my chin to my chest and exhaled, and started to regret the promise I’d made to my mother. A few seconds later, the door opened. A younger version of Mrs. Starks stood on the inside. “Please come in.”

  I hesitated and looked at Natalie. She had oval eyes that were red and swollen with grief. A frown seemed to encompass her entire body. I stepped inside and waited for her to close the door. Then I followed her to the living room.

  “Please sit down,” she said softly. I could tell by the trembling in her voice that she was desperately trying to hold back tears. I sat down across from her.

  “Would you like anything to drink?”

  I shook my head. “No, thank you.”

  Silence fell over the room for a few seconds. I really didn’t know how to begin, and as I watched Natalie struggle to hold herself together, I wondered if my going there had been wise. The last thing I wanted to do was add to her pain.

  “Why are you here, Mr. Lincoln?” Natalie asked me evenly.

  “Call me Randy, please.”

  Natalie nodded and then with her eyes locked on me, asked again, “Why are you here, Randy?”

  “I wanted to come and pay my respects for all that’s happened.”

  “Did you know my husband?”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “Did you know that your brother was seeing a married man?”

  “No. I just knew that Travis was seeing someone named Paul.”

  A smile appeared on Natalie’s face; it was obviously not a smile of pleasure.

  “I guess he used his middle name for his secret life.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

  “Sorry for what, Randy? Are you sorry for my husband marrying me and having two boys to cover up the fact that he was a homosexual? Or are you sorry that he has probably given me the HIV virus? That he’s destroyed my entire world.” Natalie broke down and buried her face in her hands. I sat silent and let her have her moment. “I’m sorry,” she said a few minutes later, wiping her tears away with her palms. “I don’t mean to be thoughtless. You lost your brother.”

  “It’s okay,” I replied. “I know this isn’t easy for you.”

  “It can’t be for you either.”

  I sighed. “No, it’s not. But I guess given the lifestyle he’d lived and past events with your husband, I wasn’t completely surprised that this happened.”

  Natalie looked up at me. “What do you mean by past events?”

  “Travis’s relationship with Brian had been volatile at times.”

  A fresh flow of tears fell from Natalie’s eyes as she said, “How could I have not seen anything? There had to be signs. Something, anything.”

  She covered her face with her hands again, but this time, instead of watching, I stood up, went and sat beside her on the couch and put my arms around her. I held her tightly as she burrowed her head into my shoulder and let the river flow freely.

  For ten minutes she cried and for ten minutes I patted her back softly and lent her my shoulder. I was hurting over Travis’s death, but I knew that whatever I was feeling was nothing in comparison to her pain. Her husband, her best friend, her lover, her other half—gone with the possibility of leaving her HIV positive. I clenched my jaws. Life was cruel sometimes.

  “I’m sorry,” Natalie said, lifting her head. “I don’t even know you.”

  I let her go. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

  “I wanted to hate your brother. I wanted to blame him for everything that’s happened. For my world falling apart. But the more I tried, the more I realized that the only person I could blame was Brian.”

  A teardrop fell from her eye as she paused and took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. I looked over at a grouping of photographs hanging on the wall above her fireplace. There were several photos of the entire family, and some of Brian and his sons. They were a perfect combination of Brian and Natalie, with her soft oval eyes and dark caramel complexion and Brian’s full lips and square jaw.

  “How are your sons handling all of this?”

  Tears fell harder as Natalie shook her head. “They don’t know yet.”

  “They don’t?”

  “No. They’re away for the weekend.”

  “When do they come home?”

  “Tonight. How am I supposed to tell them that their father, their idol, killed himself? How do I tell them that he was gay and that I may have HIV?” As Natalie covered her face and cried in agony, I sat stoic. I didn’t know how to answer any of her questions. I couldn’t think of anything to say that would somehow soften her blow. “I think you should go now,” Natalie said, her head down, her tone defeated.

  Again I tried to think of something to say. I didn’t want to leave her there like that.

  “Natalie—” I started.

  “Please go,” she said, cutting me off.

  I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly and then stood up, slipped my coat on and walked away, while Natalie cried softly.

  When I stepped outside, Mrs. Starks was there waiting for me. She watched me without blinking while I pulled the front door shut behind me. Her gaze actually made me nervous. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking.

  “I’m very sorry for everything that’s happened,” I said solemnly.

  Mrs. Starks eyed me but didn’t respond. I cleared my throat and took a step to leave.

  “I always had a feeling that he was gay,” Mrs. Starks said suddenly.

  I turned and faced her.

  “There was just always something about him that seemed funny. Something about the way he moved, talked, and treated my daughter. I looked at their pictures today and I could see his homosexuality plain as day. I could see it in the way he held Natalie. There was a slight distance that he always seemed to keep. You can see it in each picture. If you look really close, you could almost see that his smile hadn’t been a smile at all, but a widened frown.”

  She paused to take a breath and then looked up toward the darkening sky. I stood motionless and silent.
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  “I wanted to say something to her a long time ago when they first started getting serious. I wanted to lift the veil from her eyes. Help her see what I saw. But then she got pregnant, and he proposed and I kept my mouth shut. Now my daughter may be HIV positive. You have nothing to be sorry for, Mr. Lincoln. If anyone is to be sorry, it’s me. I should have opened my mouth. I should have said something.”

  Mrs. Starks touched me lightly on my arm and then walked inside, leaving me alone. I shook my head and then walked away. I paused by the memorial and said a prayer, not only for Travis, but for Mrs. Starks, Natalie, and her boys.

  I told my mother and Monique about my visit when I got back to New York, and I shared with them Mrs. Starks’ admission. They both cried and said silent prayers. I held onto Jalisa tightly after telling her what happened to her Uncle Travis. She didn’t know him well, but she knew him enough to shed tears. As expected, my father didn’t share our sentiment.

  Travis’s funeral service was supposed to have been a private affair. I’d really only wanted the immediate family to be there, which meant me, Monique, Jalisa, and my mother. But the news about his death circled around throughout the gay community, and before I knew it, the small affair turned out to be one with over two hundred people. They were Travis’s friends, former lovers, and people he’d never even known. All had come to pay their respects to one who had fallen. Several of them made speeches during the service. One person’s speech in particular moved me and touched my soul. The speech that was given was by Travis’s best friend from the past, Vanessa. She’d found out about his death and had come back to pay her respects to a friend she’d let go.

  She talked about old times with Travis and about the things they used to do. She spoke about his wishes when he was younger, and how he wanted to be a fashion designer when he grew older. She brought a smile to everyone’s face as she mentioned how they pretended to be a couple in order to keep his homosexuality a secret. I learned things about my brother that I never knew. I also learned how devastating it had been for him to lose the love from Abe and our father. I never realized how lonely he felt, or that he’d considered suicide at times, in the hopes that everyone else’s lives could go back to being normal. Vanessa’s words were moving, uplifting, and sad at the same time. The most moving part of her eulogy, however, was when she talked about her own decision to abandon Travis.

  “I chose a man over my best friend who would have given his life to save me. I gave up a friendship that was blessed by the hand of God, all for a man who disrespected me and disrespected our union. Travis was my heart and I will always regret that I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most. Travis, I never forgot about you,” she’d said, looking at his open casket. “Not a day went by where you weren’t in my thoughts, in my prayers, and in my heart. You touched me deeper than any man I’ve ever loved could have. You made me feel like a beautiful, strong woman, who could do anything and be anyone I desired to be. I love you, Travis, and I beg for your forgiveness.”

  Vanessa shed violent tears at the podium, as she was unable to hold back her grief. She cried for a few minutes without interruption and then walked out of the church.

  My mother too, was unable to contain herself, as she fell to the ground in a fit of tears. No one touched her as she cried. She’d earned that solitary moment. I cried too. I cried for the pain Travis had lived, the abandonment he’d endured, and the life he’d had taken away.

  After the service, we went to a reception hall for a going-home celebration. I’d never been around that many homosexuals before, and as I shook hands with them and exchanged hugs as they offered their condolences, I took solace in knowing that my brother hadn’t been as alone as I thought he might have been. Theirs was a strong community, filled with love and understanding; a brotherhood and sisterhood that many of us heterosexuals would never fully comprehend or experience. My mother walked around mingling and smiling. When I asked her how she’d overcome her grief, she explained to me that her tears during the service had not been tears of pain.

  “Those were tears of joy,” she’d said. “Travis was finally set free and has gone on to a better place where he doesn’t have to worry about being ridiculed, criticized, patronized, hated or scorned.”

  I had to agree.

  Abe’s wife Nakyia was also at the funeral. She wanted to pay her respects for a brother-in-law she’d never met. Abe, of course, didn’t come. I found out from Nakyia that Brian had been Abe’s director at work. I can’t lie: I wanted to laugh. Okay, maybe I did just a little. How could I not? The irony was amazing. All the time and energy Abe had wasted on his homophobia and here it was that his boss was living in the closet and sleeping with Travis. How cruel and funny was that? Nakyia filled me in on how messed up Abe was over the revelation. Again, I couldn’t help but laugh a little. Abe was now forever tied to Travis in more ways than he’d ever wanted to be.

  As far as I was concerned, he deserved what he got.

  I hugged Nakyia and wished her well before she left. She smiled and told me that there would be major changes with her life in the near future. Although she hadn’t given me any more information, I had a feeling about what some of those major changes were going to be. I gave her a kiss on her cheek and told her not to be a stranger. With a good-bye she walked away.

  Monique talked with a few of Travis’s friends and smiled at me whenever I looked over at her. I had an engagement ring for her. Tina had called and cursed me out for having Monique as the second point of contact at school and her as the third. I hung up on her before she had a chance to say anything else. I did mention to her that I would be marrying Monique before I did, though.

  Jalisa sat with my mother and entertained everyone. She’d held up well despite knowing that her uncle was gone, but that was because he’d never come around much, so she’d never really gotten a chance to get close to him.

  As people sat and ate cake and sipped on punch, I stepped outside to get some fresh, crisp night air. I was looking up at the dark sky, contemplating life without Travis when a voice that I never expected to hear again called out my name.

  “Hello, Randy.”

  I turned around. “Natalie?” Natalie walked up to me slowly and gave me a half smile. “What are you doing here?”

  “Some of Brian’s other associates came by the house to pay their respects. They also knew your brother. Or at least knew of him. They told me about the funeral. I wanted to pay my respects.”

  I took her hand. “Thank you for coming. I know this isn’t easy for you.”

  Natalie shrugged her shoulders. “It couldn’t have been easy for you when you came.”

  I nodded my head. “So how are you holding up?”

  Natalie sighed and for a moment it seemed as though she was going to cry. But she didn’t.

  “Well, it’s official—I am HIV positive. I got the results a few days ago.”

  I clenched my jaws. “I’m sorry,” I said softly.

  “To answer your question, I’m managing the best I can under the circumstances that I was forced into. I’d like to say that with time things will get better, but unfortunately for me they won’t.”

  “Don’t lose hope,” I said, trying to lift her spirits.

  “It’s not that I’ve lost hope. I’ve just accepted the reality of my situation. I don’t have Magic Johnson money. I can’t afford the special medications to fight the disease like he can. All I can do is take what all of the normal people are taking. Sometimes I break down and cry when I think about everything. I was married to Brian for nineteen years and I never had a clue. I should have seen something, shouldn’t I?”

  “Don’t put that burden on your shoulders, Natalie. Brian hid his secret from everyone.” Natalie didn’t reply. A few seconds of silence passed before I asked, “How are your sons dealing with everything?”

  Natalie sighed again, and this time tears fell slowly. “They are having a rough time. My oldest, Dominic, especially. He’s your typical teen
age jock: all sports, and only cheerleaders. He’s very homophobic, and finding out that his father was gay is really tearing him apart emotionally. He’s quit the basketball team because he doesn’t want to deal with the stares and questions, and comments going on behind his back. I’m really worried about him. I don’t want his life to be destroyed because of his father’s secret. I try to talk to him about it, but he rejects my efforts and just shuts me and everyone else out.”

  “What are his feelings about Brian’s suicide?”

  “Honestly, I think his father being gay is affecting him much more than the suicide. He hasn’t said anything, but I have a feeling that he feels relief that he won’t have to deal with his father.”

  “Have you tried to take him to a psychiatrist? Maybe it would be easier for him to talk to a stranger.”

  Natalie nodded. “I finally convinced him to see a doctor next week. I’m praying that the doctor will be able to get him to open up and bring out the anger that he’s bottling up inside.”

  “What about your youngest? How is he?”

  “Brandon is handling things a little better. He’s just as angry and feels just as betrayed, but his mind isn’t as narrow. He doesn’t seem to have the same type of homophobia that Dominic has. I think he’s going to be okay in the long run. We’ll see, I guess. All I can do is be there for support and hope for the best.”

  “That really is all you can do. Ultimately, they’ll both have to make their own decisions about how they want to deal with everything.”

  “I know.”

  “How did they take the news about the HIV?”

  Natalie folded her arms across her chest. “I haven’t told them yet.”

  “You haven’t?”

  “No. This whole situation has been so traumatic for them that I just don’t know how to break the news to them. I know that it’s better for them to deal with everything all at once, but how do I do it? How do I tell my babies that I’m going to die?”