In Too Deep

by Dwayne S. Joseph

  “Try not to think that way, Natalie. You don’t know what may happen in the future. Remember—you have the virus, but you don’t have AIDS.”

  “I know. And I know that it may never become full-blown. But believe me, from where I’m standing having HIV is like being given a death sentence. I just don’t know the date of my execution yet.”

  “None of us know.”

  Natalie gave another half smile. “No. I guess not. Anyway, enough about me and my misery—how are you holding up?”

  “I’m hanging in there. It’s a little hard knowing that he’s gone and never coming back, but I know that he’s in a better place.”

  “And your family?”

  “Well, my mom’s handling it well. Better than I thought she would, actually. As far as my brother and father go—remember when we were talking about your sons having to make their own decisions?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, my father gave up on Travis a long time ago, so he’s not here, and my brother, who gave up on Travis also, is at home battling with his own demons.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “My brother worked with Brian, Natalie.”

  “What?”

  “My brother’s name is Abraham, but he goes by Abe.”

  “Oh, my God! Abe is your brother? He’s been to the house before. He and Brian used to golf frequently. He’s not gay too is he?”

  I shook my head.

  “Are you two close?”

  “We used to be,” I said evenly. I didn’t say anything more.

  Noticing my reluctance to speak on that further, Natalie took my hand and smiled. “I’m glad I came.”

  “I am too.”

  Natalie looked toward the hall’s entrance where a few people were standing outside smoking cigarettes. “I take it Travis had a lot of friends?”

  “Yeah. I had no idea he had this many. If there’s one thing I can say about the gay community I’ve learned thus far, it’s that they really do support one another. I think Travis is resting easier knowing that his friends would be there for him.”

  “I’m glad for him. You know, I found out something interesting about Brian.”

  “What’s that?”

  “My mother-in-law told me that when he was thirteen, she found him masturbating to gay porno magazines.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. She said she beat him until he bled and that after that she never had a problem with him doing that again. She thought he was going through a phase then. I guess no one realized his phase took him all the way through adulthood. It’s funny . . . I want to hate him so bad for everything, but I just can’t, because he took care of his family. I can never say that he wasn’t there when he was needed. Family was truly number one for him, and because of that, I’ll always love him.” Natalie paused and took a breath. “Randy, I want to apologize for the pain Brian has caused all of you. I wish I could bring your brother back. I wish I could erase everything he did.”

  “No apologies necessary, Natalie. My family is going to be fine. Nothing has really changed for us, although Abe’s now been forced to accept the fact that being gay doesn’t mean you’re any less of a person. I think he had this stereotype about them and their lifestyle. I think he only saw negativity. And you know, at times I did too.” I put out my hand. “If anything, I hope I can say that I’ve gotten a new friend.”

  Natalie smiled. “Definitely,” she said, giving me a hug.

  We held onto one another for a few seconds more, and when we let go, Natalie smiled. “I’m going to go inside.”

  “I’ll be in soon. I need to do something first.”

  Natalie walked off, leaving me alone. I looked up to the black sky again and said my own private good-bye to my brother. It was now his turn to watch out for me.

  Nakyia

  The day I told Abe good-bye had been the final part of my three-step process of letting my old life go. I’d come up with this three-step plan the night I followed him and verified that he was cheating on me. We were at the beach, taking advantage of one of my good days, when I’d made the decision to play detective. Abe thought I had been asleep and hadn’t noticed his cell phone vibrating, but I wasn’t. My eyes were closed and I was enjoying the sounds of the beach’s activity; the waves breaking and crashing on the sand, children screaming happily, seagulls talking to each other in the sky above. I was at peace, enjoying it all until that call came. I had my eyes open just a fraction when he grabbed his cell and checked the caller ID. At first I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that it was a call he didn’t want. But when he took the phone with him on his “stroll” on the beach, I knew right then and there that my fear and suspicions about my husband were valid.

  When he came back and told me that he had to go in to work, I struggled to mask my hurt. My nerve was hurting, but it wasn’t as bad as I let on, and when Abe left for the office, I waited a few minutes before I hopped in my car. I cried as I drove down Highway 95. I’d been trying to deny what I knew was the truth for so long. All of the signs had been there: late and extra weekend hours, showers after those hours, disinterest in sex. I was never blind to any of it. I just chose to deal with it because I knew that my affliction had been a strain on both of us.

  I went searching for the truth that particular night because the day at the beach was supposed to be my day. I wanted to enjoy it, pain or no pain. To know that he couldn’t give me that was the ultimate offense. That was the last time I would allow him to disappoint me.

  I stayed hidden where I couldn’t be seen and watched Abe go into the building alone. A few minutes later, the very person he was supposed to be going into work for, Taki, pulled into the lot. It was humid as hell and there was no rain, yet she’d been wearing a trench coat. I didn’t need to see anymore. I left after that and devised my plan.

  Step one was for me to have my surgery.

  I wanted my life to change and the only way for that to happen was to get rid of the one thing that had truly been a roadblock to happiness and a normal life. I wanted to stop taking the medication day in and day out. I was fed up with the drugged-out feeling that had become the norm for me. I wanted to eat, talk, smile, and laugh without a care in the world. I went home that night and weighed the pros and cons and then decided that the risks were worth it.

  Step two took place before and after the surgery.

  I had to truly come to grips with Abe’s infidelity. Even though I’d accepted the truth, I still had to search within myself to know that his cheating had not been my fault. Initially I started to beat myself up emotionally with negative thoughts, thinking that had I never gotten the neuralgia, Abe would have never cheated. Had I been able to do all of the things any other woman could do, he would have never strayed.

  But as my spirit and self-esteem became stronger I realized that I was wrong on those and many other accounts. I came to understand that Abe’s unfaithfulness had more to do with him being a weak man, than it did my being sick. I wasn’t to blame and I’d be damned if I, or anyone else, tried to make me feel that way. Now that I’d had the surgery and had seen Abe for what he was—a pathetic excuse for a man, the time had come to move on to step number three.

  I had to say good-bye to Abe and walk away from my marriage.

  “Abe, I’m leaving.”

  Abe looked at me with confusion in his eyes. “Leaving? What do you mean?”

  “I know all about you and Taki,” I said evenly. I was determined to stay calm and not let my anger get the best of me. I wanted to stay above the ignorance I could have unleashed.

  “Me and Taki? What are you talking about?”

  I put up my hand.

  “Before you go any further, let me just say that I went to Taki’s home to confront the bitch, but she wasn’t there, so I ended up having a nice, long conversation with her husband, who was actually there packing his things. I’m sure you know by now that he’s leaving her.” Abe opened his mouth to respond but
I wouldn’t let him. “I’ve had it with your disrespect for me and the vows we made. When I woke up after the surgery and I didn’t feel pain, I felt like almost all of the weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Almost. But there was just one more thing weighing me down that I needed to get rid of. You know what, Abe? That one thing was you. Pain or no pain, I deserved a man who would have stood strong by my side and never strayed. The vows say through sickness and health. When my sickness came you deserted me, just like you did Travis.”

  I paused to catch my breath. It felt great to release my pain and anger.

  “Nakyia . . . let me explain . . .”

  “I don’t want any explanations, Abe.”

  “Baby, please . . . believe me, it’s over between her and me. I want to be with you, Nakyia. Don’t leave me now. I need you. Travis’s death—”

  “Means absolutely nothing to you. Don’t you dare expect me to feel pity for you.”

  “But Nakyia . . . you’re better. You can do—”

  “I can do what?” I asked, cutting him off. “I can suck your dick without it hurting me?”

  “Come on, Nakyia. Be fair to me.”

  “Be fair?”

  “Yes! Damn it, you weren’t the only one hurting, you know. I may not have been in pain but I lost something too. I lost a partner. Everything changed after the neuralgia! You, me, us—nothing was the same anymore.”

  “Abe, you were the only one who changed. I was in pain, but through it all I remained the same person.”

  “Oh, come on,” Abe screamed. “You were not the same person and you know it! You became a distant, unaffectionate, depressing person. It wasn’t easy being around you. It wasn’t easy being with someone that you couldn’t kiss, couldn’t talk to, and couldn’t smile with. You were not the Nakyia I married!”

  “How can you be so damn unfair and selfish? Do you think I asked for the neuralgia? Do you think I wanted it? I was in pain every waking day. Do you think I didn’t want to smile? Do you think that I didn’t want to do every normal thing that I used to do? How dare you accuse me of changing! How dare you throw that in my face! Abe, you could have been on your deathbed and I would have never, never left your side!”

  “Nakyia—”

  “Nakyia, nothing!” I screamed, as tears streamed down my cheeks. I’d reached my emotional breaking point and I could no longer fight back the turmoil I was feeling inside. “Go and be with Taki! You two are now free to fuck each other all you want!”

  I grabbed my bag and when he tried to prevent me from leaving, I kneed him in his balls. He’s lucky that’s all I did.

  Although it was tough in the beginning, I learned that I could be on my own and love life more than I’d ever loved it. Abe and his companionship were gone but I had my pride and dignity intact. Abe lost out. With my nerve problem gone, some lucky man was going to get the best of me.

  Abe

  Nothing had been the same for me since Travis died. It was kind of funny, actually. As much as I wanted to have nothing to do with him, I’m now tied to him more than anyone else in my life. For years I refused to acknowledge him as my brother. I didn’t want to be associated with him. I didn’t want to be exposed to his lifestyle. I guess I was just afraid, though I don’t really know why. Travis was my brother. Plain and simple. Gay or straight, nothing would ever change that.

  So why did I abandon my own flesh and blood?

  I could think of a few words: naive, ignorant, immature, cruel, cold, and selfish. I could probably keep going. Or maybe I could use one word to summarize everything.

  Stupid.

  That’s all it was.

  Stupid.

  All of the other words line up underneath it, like A, B, and C points in an outline. I let my own stupidity destroy my relationship with Travis. I couldn’t help but laugh sometimes. While I lived my life supposedly untouched by his homosexuality, I was slapping myself in the face with it day in and day out. When God wants to let you know that you’ve been wrong, He sure does it right.

  It took me a good six months to get past the fact that Brian had been gay and that I’d been as close to him as I was. In the beginning, after I found out the truth, I threw up anytime I would think about how we’d gone on the business trip and he called me for a condom.

  My own brother.

  What were the chances of something like that happening?

  I never thought my life would end up the way it had. Randy and I had started to speak again, but we were nowhere as close to being as tight as we used to be. I try to reach out to him, but he won’t open up with me. He’s still pissed about my reaction to Travis’s death, and that I never bothered to show up at the funeral service. Now that I’d had time to sit and think, I can’t say that I blame him. But at the time I just couldn’t go. I wasn’t ready to face anything. I wasn’t ready to look down on my brother’s grave. The whole situation was just too real for me. The day I found out Brian was Travis’s lover and murderer, replayed in my mind over and over like a scratch on a CD. I could only hope that the painful memory faded away in time. I hope that in time my relationship with Randy heals. Of course, I knew that the responsibility primarily fell on my shoulders. I guess it was time I own up to a lot of things.

  I had to do that after Nakyia left me. When she confronted me about Taki, I was shocked. All this time I thought I had the wool pulled over her eyes and the whole time she’d been the one fooling me. When she left, she bruised not only my balls, but my pride too. She was right. I was the only one who changed in our relationship. I became selfish. I ignored her needs and pushed to the darkest corners of my mind, just what she’d been going through.

  I was so alone after she left. I tried to call her and beg her to come back. I needed her in so many ways. Her companionship, her love, her support. I wanted to tell her all of that, but she never returned any of my calls. Without her, my healing process was so much harder.

  After Brian’s suicide, Taki was given his position at work. I quit before she could fire me. I’d been humiliated enough and the last thing I was going to do was give her the satisfaction of using her authority to smile in my face and take my job away again. I never did see or hear from her after I turned in my resignation. I did hear through some mutual business partners that she’d lost her parental right to her girls because it was discovered that she had an addiction to cocaine that no one had known about. That secret was blown when a friend of Whilice’s saw her at a party snorting in the guest bathroom.

  I bumped into Whilice once at the gym. We didn’t exchange any words as we stared at one another, but I did have my fists ready just in case he wanted to come at me. I know in his position I would have come at me. But he never did. He simply frowned and then walked away. Although he may never admit it, I think he was secretly relieved to be rid of Taki.

  Once I left the job, I went into a hibernation of sorts. I didn’t go anywhere, didn’t do anything, and I didn’t call anyone. I kept to myself and my solitude. I did take time to sign the divorce papers that Nakyia had sent to me. But I didn’t do that until I made one last effort to get her back. I called her, hoping that maybe I would be able to convince her that I’d realized the error of my ways and that the man she knew and fell in love with was back and ready to love and treat her like a queen again.

  Our phone conversation had been cordial, short, and hurtful. Nakyia had no desire to come back to me. There was a joy and peace in her tone that I hadn’t heard in a long time. I could practically see her smiling into the receiver when we talked, and I knew that had nothing to do with me. Or maybe it did. Maybe my fooling around had been what she’d needed.

  Another slap in the face for me.

  I never tried to call her again after that, and that night I signed the papers and sent them on the next day.

  Losing Randy’s respect and Nakyia’s heart left me lonely. For the first time that I could ever remember, no one was there for me. My mother was there of course, but the same disappointment resonated in her
voice as it had in Randy’s.

  I don’t remember when I’d made the decision to go to Travis’s grave. I guess it must have been somewhere in between my feelings of regret and sadness. All I know is that I got in my car one rainy morning, turned the key in the ignition, and drove.

  And now there I was, looking down on a brother I’d deserted years ago. A brother who I knew deep in my soul, had the roles been reversed, would have never done as I had. I didn’t speak for a few minutes. I just stood silent while the heavy rain beat down on me, soaking me from head to toe. I didn’t care that thunder was exploding in the sky or that lighting streaked above me; I was oblivious to it all. There was nothing but myself and my brother’s final resting place.

  How could I have disrespected him the way I had?

  How could I have never attended the going-home service?

  I wanted to cry as I asked myself those and other questions, but I didn’t, because I didn’t feel I had the right to. I took a look up towards the sky and exhaled away all of the stress that had been weighing me down. With one final crackle in the gray sky, I went down to my knees, touched my brother’s headstone, and said the first and only thing that came to my mind.

  “Travis . . . I’m sorry.”

  SIX MONTHS LATER

  Taki

  “What do you mean there’s someone else?”

  I stood in shock before my new man as he sat at the breakfast table facing me as though his statement hadn’t been a big deal. I met A’sahn at a time when my life had completely bottomed out.

  After Whilice left me, I thought my life was going to get better. I’d finally managed to get rid of his lead-weighted ass and I’d finally gotten the position that I’d paid my dues for in more ways than one. It was still hard to believe that Brian was gay and had killed himself and his lover. Working in advertising I’ve come across many, many men who were either out of the closet or standing in there with the door cracked enough to let me know that they liked to play both sides of the field. But Brian had been damn good at keeping his door closed with a padlock, and all of the slits blocked to prevent any peeking. Now I understood why he never tried to sleep with me, which is what all of my other bosses had done; this included Brian’s geriatric-looking director. All this time I’d been assuming that Brian was one of the last few faithful men in this world, when he was actually getting his groove on with Abe’s brother. I found that out from a gay friend of mine at the gym. I’d tried to call Abe after I found out, but he never answered any of my calls.