Ma, I'm Gettin Meself a New Mammy

by Martha Long

  ‘I hope that’s not trouble he’s bringing to the door,’ roared Sister Benedict, looking at the parlour door, dying te know what was going on.

  ‘Yes, Sister,’ I muttered, taking meself off and rushing down te me little room.

  I heard the chapel door open and someone came out, then Sister Benedict roaring, ‘Reverend Mother! There is a policeman in the parlour, and Mother Pius is speaking to him right now. Do you think there is something wrong?’

  I heard the Reverend Mother muttering in a whisper, then the rustle of rosary beads and habit as she flew inta the parlour. Jaysus! I’m dying te know what they’re saying. Pity I can’t make meself invisible. I’d love te go back up there and find out! But not on yer nelly, Martha. Sit here and mind yer own business! I might get te hear the gossip later. And Neddy might get something outa it, too.

  CHAPTER 24

  I know now what I want te do. I have been talking te some of the girls who know about the ones who went off te do children’s nursing. They won’t take me there because I have no education. Anyway, it is run by an order of nuns that is very strict. I don’t fancy that. I couldn’t bear the idea of having te live with nuns. No, definitely not! I want te get away from them. I have had enough of nuns te last me a lifetime.

  I sucked on the biro, staring at the new sheet of writing paper Ma Pius gave me te write the letter te Clover House for Little Children. Matron Millington told me about it, saying there was no harm in writing: ‘Sure, they might even give you a chance by considering ye! There’s nothing gained by nothing ventured, Martha. So go on!’ She nudged me with her elbow. ‘Write to them; you’ll find the address in the phone book. Anyway, they’re not nuns! That place is run by the Protestants,’ she whispered, nudging me with her elbow and looking around te see if anyone heard us.

  ‘Right!’ I said, dashing up te ask Ma Pius for a sheet of notepaper and the lend of a biro pen.

  ‘Please do not lose that pen and bring it straight back as soon as you are finished with it,’ she said, handing it te me and looking after it as if it was made of gold.

  ‘Thank you, Sister, I will take great care of it,’ I gushed, making off with me stuff, dying te get the letter written.

  ‘Dear Sir or Madam, I am mad about kids’ . . . Rubbish! Jaysus! What will I write? I never wrote a letter in me life!

  Two hours later, I carefully put the sheet of paper in the envelope and licked it closed. I looked at what was left of Sister Ma Pius’s notepad. Two sheets outa a nearly new pad! I had te keep running up and down te her asking for another sheet of writing paper, until she lost the rag and threw me the notepad. Me eyes flew over the wads of paper rolled up in a ball and scattered around the room. Jaysus! It’s not easy writing a letter. But I got it done. Now all I have te do is post it and hope I hear back from them.

  I picked up all the rubbish on the floor and headed off te Ma Pius with what was left of her notepad and looked at the pen. Fuck! The end of it was chewed down te nothing! She’ll go mad. ‘These pens cost one shilling and sixpence!’ she’ll probably roar. Or whatever they cost! Ah, take it outa me five-shillings-a-week wages, I’m going te tell her. That will shut her up! No! On the other hand, she’s not getting a penny of my money. Let her have her moan; I can always think of something else te entertain me while she drones away.

  Yakety yak! . . . ‘And you have no sense of responsibility!’

  ‘No, Mother Pius.’

  ‘What? You agree with me?’

  ‘Eh . . . no! Yes!’ I tried te wake meself outa the doze.

  ‘And you expect me to use this?’ she said, holding up the halfchewed pen, looking at it.

  ‘Yes, Mother Pius,’ I droned, still miles away, picturing meself in a white nurse’s uniform, with loads of little children hanging outa me.

  ‘SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH IT?’ she roared, waking me up.

  ‘Oh, eh . . .’ I said, shaking me head, clearing me eyes, looking at it. ‘Oh, I will buy ye a new one,’ I heard meself say.

  ‘You do that,’ she sniffed, satisfied! Then slammed her office door on me face.

  Damn! Ye should have kept wide awake! What did ye go and say that for? I moaned, seeing meself being handed a few coppers for me wages this week, and Ma Pius telling me she took what was due te her and that’s what’s left outa it.

  Oooh, how stupid can ye get? I thought, wanting te give meself a good kick up the arse as I headed off down te get me tea. Ye really are a silly bloody cow, Martha Long. Ah, fuck! Maybe she will forget. Yep! That’s what I will do: I’ll say nothing if she doesn’t mention it.

  This is definitely turning out te be a bad week for me. Yesterday I lost nine whole cigarettes te Sister Eleanor. Nearly a new packet! Jaysus! That was very unlucky. There I was, strolling arm in arm with Dilly Nugent, the pair of us after having a lovely smoke out in the playing-fields toilet, when Sister Eleanor comes flying outa nowhere, making straight for us. I only had time te hold me breath when she pounced like a cat, grabbing the box of cigarettes outa me pocket. I watched them fly through the air then vanish under her cloak, as she said, ‘I am going to confiscate these,’ giving me a vicious look of victory as she watched me eyes hang outa me head and me face drop in rage. She was gone before I could scream at her, telling her what I thought of her. Fuck. Now I will have te find a way of sneaking out after tea te get meself another packet down in the village.

  The bell was ringing for the angelus as I passed the kitchen. Sister Mercy and Loretta were blessing themself as I stopped outside the door, sticking me tongue out at her and crossing me eyes, waving me shoulders around because she was stuffing herself with our sausages outa our pie dish. Loretta picked up two more sausages and stuck one in each nostril, letting them hang outa her nose, then crossed her eyes, shaking her face at me. Yuk! I stared in at her in disgust, while Mercy stood with her eyes closed, moaning out the prayers.

  ‘Ah, Jaysus, look what she’s doing now,’ I muttered, watching her lick the sausages then drop them back, making a face at me. I moved off, giving her a dirty look, seeing her face crack in a malicious grin, delighted with herself she had turned me off me tea. Fuck! I’m not eating them, I thought, rushing on, intending te get the ones at the bottom of the dish.

  ‘Now and at the hour of our death, Amen,’ Sister Eleanor cried, sounding like she was there already, giving us a mournful look because we were already dragging our chairs out te sit ourselves down.

  ‘IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER,’ she shouted, glaring at us te stand up again. ‘And of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen. Really, girls,’ she moaned, twisting her face and the rest of her, saying, ‘You have no respect for our Lord. It would only cost you a few minutes of your time. Would you not even give our Lord God Almighty that little?’

  She waited. No one was listening. Everyone was watching the pie dish flying in the door with Loretta slamming it down on the table. Sister Eleanor pounced on it before the sausages vanished. She flew around the tables, giving everyone two each, lifting them out with a fork, saying, ‘They look lovely, girls, enjoy your tea now.’

  I muttered, ‘Give me the two at the bottom, Sister!’ as she took the ones from the top. ‘No! I want them from the bottom, Sister!’

  ‘Ah, will you go on out of that for yourself,’ she roared, flying off with the dish.

  ‘No, please!’ I said, going after her.

  ‘Oh, go on, then. You would crucify Jesus on the cross,’ she snorted.

  Loretta marched over te her table, cackling at me, whispering, ‘I think I have rabies!’

  ‘Fuck off, Loretta.’

  Sister Eleanor heard me and whipped her head around, looking shocked at the two of us.

  ‘Tut, tut,’ said Loretta, ‘you need to mind your language, Long,’ then sat herself down, laughing her head over at me.

  ‘Fucking cow. I’m going te get ye back for this!’ I mouthed at her behind Eleanor’s back.

  ‘Now! I have an announcement to make,’ shouted Sister Eleanor, standing i
n the middle of the refectory while we all shovelled down the bread and sausages. Nobody was listening, so she clapped her hands and shouted, ‘Please pay attention, girls. This is very important. Reverend Mother has decided to give you all a present!’

  A present! Everyone whipped their heads around, giving her their full attention.

  ‘Yeah, Sister! Go on, we are all listening, tell us!’ everyone shouted up at her while she stood still, waiting for us te shut up.

  ‘The Reverend Mother went personally into Clerys store on O’Connell Street and ordered especially for each and every one of you a new set of dishes. They are now sitting in front of you.’ We all looked at our new cups and plates, not really noticing them until she opened her mouth.

  ‘Is that it?’ we moaned.

  ‘Yes! You all have a set each, because Mother has decided you are all old enough now to take care of them. You don’t need to be eating off plastic.’

  ‘Ah, goney! I thought we were going to get something good!’ people complained up at her.

  ‘Now! When you are washing them,’ she continued on with her sermon, taking no notice of the moaners, ‘you must take great care not to break any. Then they will be carefully stacked on this table.’

  ‘Oooh, they’re awful looking! Green! Could she not have picked a nicer colour?’ people were saying.

  ‘She probably got them cheap,’ someone whispered.

  ‘Please pay attention,’ Sister Eleanor roared, clapping her hands. ‘If any one of you dare break a dish, you will have me to reckon with!’ she shouted, getting red in the face at the ingratitude of the lot of us. ‘Do you all hear me?’ she roared. ‘I do not want to hear you have broken any of these dishes,’ she warned, pointing her finger at all our dishes. Then she was gone. Flying out the door over te the convent.

  I raced back up the avenue, hiding the new ten-packet of cigarettes in the band of me skirt. I stopped at the tree, just before dipping across and running along the hedge, then got down on me hands and knees, crawling under the nuns’ refectory, listening te them chattering and munching away on their tea. I held me breath, waiting for any sign of footsteps, or some aul nun breathing out the window, getting a look at me crawling underneath. Then I took off again, crawling like mad now past the convent kitchen window and up on me feet running in the side door. Made it! I flew through the door and up the kitchen passage, making for the back door and out for me smoke.

  Ah, happiness is in a Woodbine! I thought, taking a deep puff of tobacco inta me lungs.

  ‘Caught you!’ screamed a young one from the middle group coming outa the toilet.

  ‘Aaah!’ I screamed, throwing the cigarette inta the air with the fright I got. ‘Jaysus! Don’t do that, ye little runt! Ye nearly sent me inta an early grave!’ I roared, jumping on me cigarette and taking a deep puff.

  ‘I’m telling Sister Eleanor on you,’ she shouted, running off and daring me.

  ‘Wait until I get ye!’ I roared, knowing she would tell.

  ‘Ha, ha! You can’t catch me.’

  ‘No! Come back, I want te talk te ye,’ I shouted, pulled between getting me hands on her and smoking what’s left of me cigarette.

  ‘If you can catch me, I won’t tell,’ she shouted, hopping up and down from one leg te the other.

  ‘Right! Ye’re on,’ I shouted. ‘Give me a minute te finish this.’

  I threw the butt down the toilet, flushing it, and took off after her. She tore in through the back door, her slinky blonde hair flapping around her head, and her legs going like propellers. She weaved in and out, flying from one side of the wide passage te the other. Then took off inta our refectory.

  ‘Got ye!’ I said, closing the door behind me and stalking her like a snake.

  ‘No chance,’ she laughed, making for the long table with the new dishes stacked. I raced around the table and she appeared on the other side, grinning and watching me like a hawk, her hands gripping the edge of the table, hopping from one foot te the other. I watched her, rocking me body left and right, judging which way she would run. I went right, she went right, me reaching me hand out te grab her and catching the sleeve of me jumper in the stacked cups, then we both stopped dead at the sound of china crashing te the ground.

  ‘Ohhhh! You broke a cup!’ said Gail, as we both stood staring down at the shattered cup sitting on the floor.

  ‘Oh my God! Listen, say nothing,’ I said, grabbing the dustpan and handbrush, sweeping the lot up and flying out te the bin with it.

  She followed me out saying, ‘What are we going to do? You broke the cup.’

  ‘Yes, I did. And you were in our refectory; that is strictly outa bounds. Ye know we can’t go inta each other’s groups.’

  ‘Yeah, I know,’ she said, her eyes staring outa her head in fright, the colour gone from her face.

  ‘It’s best we say nothing. Are we agreed?’

  ‘Yeah,’ she said, shaking her head up and down, only too delighted te forget about it.

  ‘Sister, there’s one cup missing! I have no cup!’

  ‘What?’ Sister Eleanor roared, her mouth all swollen after just arriving back from the dentist. ‘Count them!’ she roared, going around the table counting every one of them.

  Uh oh! Here we go! Me heart was pounding at the thought of what she was going te do te me when she finds out one of her cups is broken and we only had them a day.

  ‘No! It is definitely missing,’ she nearly cried, looking mystified around at the lot of us, trying te pin down the culprit. ‘I am going to get to the end of this!’ she fumed, snorting her way out the door on her way over te the convent. ‘I will be back and I intend to search this house from top to bottom until I get to the end of this.’

  I watched her go, knowing she meant every word of it. She never lets anything go. Oh, bloody hell! What do I do now? I am definitely not owning up. I would never hear the end of it. I only hope Gail keeps her mouth shut.

  ‘Oh gawd! I would hate to be in the shoes of whoever broke that cup!’

  ‘Yeah, Sister Eleanor will kill them.’

  ‘Imagine breaking Sister Eleanor’s new china when she just got it,’ gossiped the three eejits washing up at the sink, shivering with the excitement of knowing someone was going te be in big trouble and it wasn’t them.

  I whipped meself outa the refectory and tore out te the playingfields toilet for a smoke. Before I went up in smoke meself, when Sister Eleanor finds out it was me.

  I was making me way back when Sister Eleanor came tearing out the back door with a load of helpers looking for the missing evidence. ‘Come with me, Martha,’ she snorted, ‘I am determined to find this missing cup. I know it’s broken and someone has hidden it.’

  ‘Right, Sister,’ I said, not believing my bad misfortune at getting roped in te help her te find the culprit. Me! Meself!

  She looked under the hedge in the nuns’ private garden, ignoring the knickers hanging on the line. ‘Come on,’ she said te us, taking off on her mission again, her eyes swinging in all directions, looking te see the most likely spot for hiding a broken cup.

  We shot back in the door again, and the others took off shouting, ‘We have to run, Sister! The Virginian is starting.’ That just left her and me. She flew past the dustbin, not thinking someone would be stupid enough te hide it in the obvious place, then stopped suddenly, as I was letting me breath out with relief, and stooped down, whipping off the dustbin lid and rooting around, coming up with the broken remains of the cup. She held it in her hand for a minute, staring at it, not believing her eyes. ‘Now!’ she said, still bending over the dustbin. ‘Now!’ she said, shaking the evidence at me, her eyes glittering with the victory of winning half of the battle. ‘Would you credit that? Broken! In the dustbin!’

  ‘Tut, tut, shocking,’ I said, shaking me head in disbelief.

  ‘Right! Come with me. I will not rest until the culprit is caught.’ Then she whipped herself off down te the television room and raced in the door, flying up te the stage and
switching off the battered old television while a hundred pair of eyes all gaped up at her in terrible shock.

  I made a run for it, straight back down the passage, hearing a voice scream after me, ‘Come back here, you! I want to talk to you.’

  I looked back, seeing Gail standing with her hands on her hips staring, her eyes blazing down at me and her mouth shut so tight it was tipping her nose.

  Ah, damn! Bloody hell! I came up slowly, hearing her say, ‘You have to admit it was you! We are all being punished over what you did.’

  I could hear the screams in the television room, as Sister Eleanor tried te shout over them that there would be no television until the person who broke this cup was caught.

  ‘Tell! Own up, or I will,’ she said, gritting her teeth.

  ‘OK,’ I said. ‘It’s gone too far. Now everyone is involved.’

  She ran back inta the room, roaring, ‘Sister Eleanor! Martha Long has something to tell you.’

  ‘What is it?’ said Sister Eleanor flying past me, muttering te herself, ‘I am going to get to the end of this!’

  ‘Sister!’

  She ignored me, flying inta our sitting room te switch off the radio on our group.

  ‘Sister!’ I roared, racing after her.

  ‘What? What is it?’ she said, looking distracted.

  ‘It was me that broke the cup.’

  ‘I am going to switch . . . WHAT? . . . What did you say?’

  ‘Sorry, Sister,’ I said, feeling foolish. ‘It was me that broke yer cup and put it in the dustbin.’

  She let the door go shut, coming slowly over te me with her eyes hanging down te her belly button and her mouth dropped open in shock. ‘But . . . But! How can that be? You were helping me to look for the . . . I don’t believe it!’

  ‘Yes, it was me,’ I said, examining me brown shoes with holes nearly appearing in the toes.

  ‘I am shocked,’ she whispered, looking around her, shaking her head, not understanding how someone could be so deceitful. Then she took off, leaving me standing there, wishing she had thrown the lot at me. Or at least shouted the head off me. But this . . . I knew I had forfeited something precious. Her trust. I felt very cowardly and don’t like the feeling at all. It wasn’t worth it. I had given away a very important, precious bit of meself, and for nothing. No! I won’t put meself in that position again. It’s more important te be able te hold my head up high. That’s what really matters in the long run. Never again. My word will be my bond.