Sinners & Saints (Sinners & Saints #1)

by Ballinger, Chelsea

  “I’ve spent many years on this side of the world. Before that I was in space watching this world, wanting to be a part of it. Land my mark and what I’ve learned, Scarlett, someone is always there to bring you down to the gutter.”

  “There are no gutters in Manhattan, Jane.”

  “Yes, there are. The rats take refuge in them. Rats dolled in Tiffany’s. I know who you were, Scarlett, and I know that you are still that same girl I heard discouraging tales of. You can keep that smug grin on your face for as long as you want, but one day my son will see past it.”

  “There is nothing to see, Jane. I would never hurt him. God, I’ve heard of people hurting the ones they love in a horrible way. Honestly, my past should never measure up to the betrayal others have suffered.” This is when you make the move that basically tells you you’re screwed. It’s where you either call your opponent’s bluff or not. “Like the time this boy in my high school—son of a very popular business man—well, he found out that his dad wasn’t his father at all.” I make sure to stare into her now startled eyes. “No, his mother apparently had an affair, I think? It was a huge scandal,” I sigh. “Now that, Jane… that would be a betrayal.”

  She stays stiff in the chair as I head to the kitchen. “I’m going to order takeout. Want anything?” I ask her but no response.

  Like I say, I play all hands.

  HUGO

  “Do you ever think about your mom?”

  I open my eyes and turn my head to the other side laying on the pillow. “Why are you asking me that?”

  She isn’t facing me, but I can tell she’s serious.

  “I just wanted to know.”

  “I don’t talk about my mother,” I say sternly. I turn on my back, the sheet falling off my waist. Kelly turns on her other side and she faces me. She watches while I reach over on the nightstand and light up a joint.

  “Sometimes your dad says her name in his sleep.”

  I stop breathing for a moment. Can’t say I’m not shocked. I finally exhale the smoke out, still staring at the white ceiling.

  “I used to think that it meant he loved and missed her… but then one day I figured it out when someone else mentioned her name to him. Jonathan spoke of her as if she was a stranger. He said she was an ambitious woman when he was introduced to her by their parents. He spoke of her like just another person he knew in his life. I realized that it was not out of love he calls her name… it’s out of guilt.”

  He’s guilty?! I don’t believe it.

  “So again… why ask or even tell me that?”

  She sighs. “I just wanted to hear someone speak of the great Susanna with love.”

  “You want to know what it’s like for someone to speak of genuine devotion and care for someone… because you’ve never heard it and you fear that when you’re dead… no one will speak of you either that way.”

  I turn my head towards her. Her wet eyes tell me I’m right.

  “You’re such an asshole… but yeah you’re right. I like that I can be truthful with you. You bring that out of people. I’ve been lying my whole life. It feels nice to speak the truth.”

  “Don’t you see a shrink?”

  “Hugo,” she laughs a little. “I’m the type of person who not only lies to the people around her but her shrink also.”

  “My mother did that too.” I pass her the joint. She didn’t start smoking weed until she started sleeping with me.

  “Really?” she chokes out. She’s still not used to the inhaling part. “How do you know that?”

  “Because she told me and my brothers the truth.”

  She passes the joint back to me and rises up on her elbows.

  “Hugo, we need to end this,” she says with conviction.

  “I almost believe you mean that.”

  “I do… I love your father.”

  “Ironic.”

  “Yes, it is.” She wipes her hand across her face.

  “Okay then.” I sit up and she smirks at me, arching her brow.

  “Okay?” she questions. “You’re not gonna try to manipulate me into thinking I don’t want to?”

  “Oh, I know half of you doesn’t want to stop, but I also know that half of you does because you as a whole hate yourself every time you come in this room with me… and I would like to end it too.”

  Her head jerks back. “Why? I thought you liked this stuff.”

  “I do… but…” I look at her for a moment then shake my head. “Never mind.”

  “What?”

  “When we first started doing this… I didn’t enjoy it.”

  “Well, that ruins what self-esteem I have left.” She laughs a little.

  “No,” I place my hand on her wrist. “You are a fine woman in bed. Very flexible.” She giggles when I say that. “You are wonderful… it’s just that I’ve been doing this for a while and… it’s…”

  “Fucking everything that walks is starting to get old.”

  “Yes,” It’s hard for me to admit. “Yes, that’s it. It’s strange.”

  She sits up and narrows her eyes at me. The way she’s looking at me right now is annoying. It’s like she knows something I don’t. “You like someone.”

  “What?” I become defensive. “Don’t be absurd.”

  “You do…” She smiles and I think her eyes are starting to tear up some more. “The only time a man ever gets tired of being able to have any woman he wants is when he actually meets a woman he not only wants… but needs.”

  “You’re annoying me now.”

  “Fine,” she says amused. “I’ll leave it be.” She gets out of the bed as I lay back down and I watch as she begins to put on her clothes. She’s the third woman I’ve slept with who has pointed out that I have feelings for Juliet. Alright, I do, but if I say it out loud, if I even whisper it… it will mean… I can’t even say that in my head. If I say it all in my head, it’s bound to come out of my mouth.

  “Whoever she is, Hugo,” she says after getting dressed and grabbing her purse, “I envy her… not because it’s you—just because it’s… not me.”

  She walks out the door and I’m pretty sure this is the last time I will see her on a personal level. Well, until after I ruin another part of her life.

  JULIET

  JITTERY BIOOOTCCHH:

  Basically, you are in deep shit. I love it when karma comes to bite you in the ass. You’re in love with this idiot. I know what you’re saying. NO I AM NOT. Guess what bitch, you are. I went and stalked his Instagram and Facebook. He is SEEEEEEEXXXYYYY!!!! Like David Beckham sexy, but you’re no posh, so what are you gonna do? I say fuck his brains out. Keep me updated. I will lift the rule of you texting me first for this one thing. I. E. Don’t text me updates unless it starts with… I fucked his brains out. Chow Babe!

  Jess is seriously a nutter. I deal with it all because of guilt and love. I’ve grown to love the random text messages she sends me and the somewhat advice she gives me. I’ve grown to redemption. She always says she forgives me, but I sometimes don’t forgive myself, but I know I must keep living. She always says no matter what you should keep living.

  “I had a short love affair with a Beatle once.”

  I look up from my phone to see Ms. Eleanor who is randomly staring out of her window—wait… did she just say she had a love affair with a Beatle?

  “Really?” I ask.

  She sighs. “Yes.”

  “Which one?”

  “The talented one.”

  “Um…okay,” I say because last time I checked they all were talented. Well I guess it’s debatable between McCartney and Lennon on who was the most talented.

  “I’ve had many lovers, Juliet.” She looks at me. “Did you know that?”

  “Uhh, I suspected.” I laugh a little at my sarcasm.

  “Yes, each one has left a certain memorabilia. Each one has been a contribution to the woman I am today.”

  The way she’s speaking. She seems sad almost about something.

 
“Let us celebrate tonight,” she says turning around putting on that cheerful smile.

  “What?”

  “Why life, my dear. Life should always be celebrated. Thomas!” She calls on Thomas and as usual he appears out of nowhere.

  “Yes, madam?”

  “Amass the children and order the usual from that nice little Indian restaurant. It’s Arabian nights!”

  I swear Ms. Eleanor is fucking awesome. You know why? Because not only did she have us lay out this huge gold Egyptian rug in the middle of the entrance between the living room and patio and lay out colorful pillows all over the floor where we sit and eat probably the best Indian food I have ever tasted, but she is playing over the speaker “Arabian Nights” from the wonderful Disney film Aladdin. Yes, we people in England have the Disney Channel and films. Poppy found this to be shocking.

  “I wish we could see the stars from here,” Cody says, lying back next to me. We’re all lying down, forming a circle. August is next to me; he jumped to lie next to me and pulled Hugo so he could lie next to him. We’re all smoking weed out of Ms. Eleanor’s special Hookah. She says it’s enchanted. It must be because I am high out my mind right now.

  “That’s how I know you’re not high enough Cody,” I suddenly realize. “Because I am definitely seeing stars in the New York sky.”

  “Thank God, I thought I was the only one,” Jordana says.

  “I see more than stars. I see the future…” We snicker at Poppy’s vision.

  “And what does the future behold, Poppy?” Jordana asks amused.

  “Hearts are breaking… They’re breaking all over.” We all are quiet and I don’t know about them, but I’m noticing the seriousness in her voice. “All over hearts will break… They are already breaking now, but soon there will be nothing left. I see love too. It’s at reach… but like we can’t really see it or maybe we do and I see truth. Truth needs to be told. It does or… or we’re gonna die guys.”

  Silence is among us and I feel a chill coming across me.

  “Obviously Poppy smoked too much,” Hugo finally says, but he’s probably as creeped out as us.

  “Poppy,” I say, wondering.

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you mean the people in the world?”

  “No… I mean us.”

  “Okay, that’s enough of psychic hotline,” Jordana says sitting up.

  “I-I see mazes,” August says, squinting.

  “August didn’t smoke, did he?” Cody asks nervously.

  “No, you dumbass,” Hugo answers.

  I sit up and fold my arms over my knees. “August sees mazes all the time, isn’t that right?”

  “Yeah.” He smiles to himself still staring at the sky. “Everyone is connected on an intricate path. The more life they go through, the more intricate it gets. I-I-it’s the basics of life, I think. God made it that way. He made it intricate. He makes everything. Just like he made me be born backwards.” He sits up and looks my way, but no eye contact. “I was born backwards, you know?”

  “Nothing wrong with that,” I tell him.

  “I know. I’ve come to be alright with the way I am. The way I am does not define the man I am. The man we are, right Hugo?”

  Hugo looks my way before answering. “Yes.”

  “I got a secret for August,” I say. “I think a lot of us were born backwards.”

  “I so agree with that,” says Jordana.

  Everyone sits up now. Ms. Eleanor takes a hit of the hookah. She exhales and looks at all of us. “I would like to tell you children a story.”

  “I love your stories!” Poppy claps and crosses her legs facing her.

  We all do. August rocks back and forth with his legs crossed picking at the rug. I smile and without thinking rub his head. He pauses and I can see Hugo’s eyes go from nervous to shock and I wonder why. Oh, that’s why. I guess August doesn’t have a problem with me combing my fingers through his hair because he continues going back to what he was doing. I pull my hand away, but he grabs it and places it back on top of his head. I smile to myself as he lays his head on my lap and I continue. I look at Hugo who seems annoyed by this. Shocker there.

  “I have not been at my best today, children,” she says standing up and laying on the lounge chair. “Today marks the anniversary.”

  “Of what?” Cody asks.

  “The night I met the only person I’ve ever truly loved.”

  “What about the six husbands?”

  “I cared deeply, but never have I ever been able to relive the spark I had with Lorenzo.”

  “Let me guess… he was Spanish,” Jordana says before taking a hit of the hookah.

  Ms. Eleanor smiled to herself. “He was from a beautiful city in Spain. A Coruna, it was called. I was twenty-two and engaged to my first husband. I did not love him, but my mother insisted. She groomed me to find a suitable wealthy gentleman. We were poor. I was depended on to give us a better life. I did not love John Morrow. He was a sweetheart to bring me to Spain, but as he conducted business, I fell in love with Lorenzo who was twenty-four at the time. A fisherman he was. He worked for his father on this boat that barely stayed afloat, but it was enough for him. Everything was enough for him—even I. A young naïve girl who dreamed of colorful things. Two weeks of sex, passion, and love. I loved him with everything I had. He wanted me to stay with him.”

  “Why didn’t you?” I ask.

  “Why don’t we ever choose the ones we love, my dear?” she sadly smiles. “Fear. It doesn’t matter what it is. Fear always has something to do with it. We are afraid to love so strongly because we can be broken so easily. We do not want to get hurt; that is the human way. Some are afraid of just being loved. Some afraid of trusting others. Some afraid of standing up to their parents. That was me. I was afraid to stand up to my mother. She wanted the rich and I suppose deep down so did I at one point, but Lorenzo would’ve been worth it. I, on the other hand, just did not have the clout. Clout is the word my mother always used to refer to what women had. Never using the term power, just clout. She wanted to be unique.”

  “What happened to him?” Poppy asks.

  Ms. Eleanor’s eyes begin to swell. She covers her trembling mouth with her hand before answering. “After my second marriage, I went back to Spain to that same city in hopes of finding him.”

  “Did you?” I ask as she lets her hand fall to her chest.

  “Yes, I did.” She sadly smiles. “He was married with two beautiful children. They were sailing and I was on the dock watching. I saw how happy he was and I envied that happiness. It could have been me. He saw me, I think. I couldn’t stay to see if so because I knew I had to leave. I was too late.”

  “Well, that’s a sad story,” Poppy says wiping away her tears.

  Ms. Eleanor reaches for Poppy and caresses a cheek. “Don’t cry, child. A story is only as good as the middle. Never the ending. But I do suggest you all learn from it.”

  “What?” Hugo, of course. “That we should marry poor fishermen instead of getting sucked into loveless marriages? Too late for most of us,” he deadpans.

  Ms. Eleanor’s smile grows wide. “No… to not let fear oppress. Even the ones that think they are free of it… still get sucked in by it.”

  I look at Hugo who is looking down now. Ms. Eleanor takes another hit. Hell, we all do.

  “Let us now continue staring at the stars.” She says and we lay back down in our rightful places. I continue brushing August’s hair as he lays beside me and I can’t help but to look over his head and into Hugo’s eyes. Eyes that are staring back at me. High as I am, I believe I truly see the ocean now in them.

  HUGO

  I wake up the same time she does. Her blue eyes drive me wild with passion and most wouldn’t know of that feeling. I have never known this feeling. We all passed out. It’s still dark outside and my brother is sleeping between us in the fetal position. Her lips curl up. Careful not to wake the rest, she quietly sits up and heads inside. I don’t even wait to t
alk myself out of it. I stand up and follow her.

  “Where are you going?” I ask once in the stairway.

  “My room. I want to sleep in my own bed,” she says still walking and I still follow her. “You’re following me.”

  “I am,” I say flatly.

  “You’re high.”

  “I am. So are you.”

  “Massively.”

  We get to her room and she faces me as she stands close to her bed.

  “We’re not shagging,” she says smiling, her eyes hazy.

  I close the door behind me. “I know.”

  “Then why did you just close my door?”

  I don’t answer until I’m within reach of her. “I want to fuck you.”

  Her eyes broaden and she starts to laugh hysterically. “Well, I am pretty fuckable.” She shakes her head. “Why did you just say that?”

  “Substances usually increase our hunger for things… no matter what the consequences.”

  “Only you would still keep this sullen attitude even when you’re high. Nevertheless, you are correct. So… you want to fuck me, not a shocker there and… what else?”

  “You annoy me.”

  “You are so fucked up.”

  “Yes, I am and you annoy me, but it’s time for me to get my revenge.”

  She crosses her arms, still smiling. “And how are you going to do that?”

  “And when you’re alone… there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.”

  She narrows her eyes and points her index finger at me. She opens her mouth then closes it back up. “Wa- Wait. Was that… a quote? Who the bloody hell is that? I should… I should know that. No,” she starts to laugh.

  I wait a moment before answering. “Dr. Seuss.”

  Her eyes broaden. “You bloody bastard! I should know Dr. Suess.” She stomps her foot still smiling, but feeling painfully defeated. “How come I don’t know him? I love Dr. Suess.”