Lily’s War

by June Francis

  Dear Lord, why had she been so determined to hurt him? Why do we hurt the people we love? Because as Daisy said we expect them to be perfect, to be all things to us, never to make a wrong move. She still didn’t know if Matt and Abby had slept together. Abby who lived in Australia where Matt now was. The realisation caused her more pain. What if he turned to Abby because Lily’s pride prevented her from making a reconciliatory move?

  ‘I’ll write saying I accept his apology,’ she said abruptly, ‘and I’ll leave the next move to him.’

  ‘It’s a start, I suppose,’ said Daisy. ‘But with all that distance between you, I can see the baby arriving before the pair of you see each other again and that’ll come as a shock to him.’

  Lily was silent. Her sister’s words could prove only too true. Should she tell him about the baby and risk his believing it could be Rob’s? After all, the word ‘Sorry’ could have meant ‘Sorry, it’s over, and I don’t want ever to see you again.’ No, she thought immediately. It couldn’t. She’d had a letter from Martin’s bank saying money was being paid into an account for her by her husband. When she’d asked from where the manager had replied, ‘Liverpool, Australia,’ and smiled austerely. Would Matt do that if he had wanted to break all links between them? She had not touched the money – her pride again, the deadliest of sins. She decided to write a brief note, knowing if it reached its destination at best it could be seven or eight weeks before she received a reply. From previous experience she knew it was possible that Matt could have moved on to another state, another country, but all she could do this time was stay put and wait to hear from him.

  Chapter Nineteen

  ‘“Over here, over here! O the Yanks are coming, the Yanks are coming!’ sang May as she emptied the scraps into the pig bucket in the yard. Several hens came running but she pushed them away.

  ‘They’re already here. Haven’t you seen the uniforms all over town?’ said Lily, putting down the garment she was making for the baby from ‘no points needed’ packets of lint from the chemist. Her blue eyes rested on her younger sister’s shapely figure. ‘Don’t you be letting the promise of a pair of nylons persuade you that anything goes during this war, my girl! You’re only seventeen. Have some fun and don’t get too serious.’ She eased her back and put a hand to the lower part of her belly where the baby was flexing its muscles again. Months had passed and it seemed it would be as Daisy had said about the birth.

  ‘As if I’d be so daft.’ May sat on the back step and smiled up at Lily seated in a chair in the spring sunshine. ‘Do you want me to help you find your feet so you can put your stockings on before we go to the farm?’

  Lily’s lips twitched. ‘Are you suggesting I’m too big to find my boots?’

  ‘You’re enormous! Our Ben’ll never recognise you. He’ll say you’ve been eating for six. You haven’t got six in there, have you?’ she said, patting Lily’s bump.

  She thought ruefully, May really is a tonic. Just what I need. ‘What time’s Vera arriving with Ben?’ she asked, squaring her shoulders.

  ‘Dunno. But they should be at the farm by suppertime. Aunt Dora’s making a real meal of it so you tell that baby not to choose tonight to arrive.’ May reached inside the kitchen for the other bucket in which she had mashed bran with minced bread and a handful of grass pulled up when she passed the park. The hens clucked and scurried after her as she went down the yard to their trough.

  ‘Is Daisy coming?’ called Lily.

  ‘She said she’d try and make it. If not there’ll be other days.’

  Lily sighed. ‘It would have been good to have the whole family together.’

  May glanced over her shoulder. ‘You’re forgetting Matt and Aunt Jane.’

  ‘If you’re fishing for information about Matt,’ she said crossly, ‘I haven’t heard from him.’

  ‘I wonder where he is exactly?’

  Lily spent half her nights wondering. ‘Don’t let’s talk about it,’ she murmured. ‘Tell me what the twins are up to instead.’

  May pulled a face but proceeded to inform her that she had now succeeded in teaching them the alphabet backwards as well as forwards and they could count up to a hundred. ‘Vera should be finding them a school but there isn’t one close by. So I’ll have a go at teaching them to read and do a few simple sums.’

  ‘Do you enjoy teaching them?’ she asked with a blend of curiosity and amusement, remembering the trouble it had been getting her sister up for school years ago.

  ‘When they don’t mess about I do.’ She smiled and tossed back her long, naturally wavy, blonde hair. ‘I was thinking, though, of coming back here to live now you’ve lost a lodger to King and country. You could do with a helping hand once the baby comes.’

  Pleasure feathered Lily’s skin like a warm breeze. ‘I’d appreciate that, but how will they manage on the farm without you? Ben won’t be able to do much physically at first with his wound refusing to heal properly, but thank God he’s been invalided out of the army.’

  ‘He’ll be of more use on the farm organisation-wise because Ronnie and Aunt Dora squabble so. I’ll still have to do some farm work or I’ll have the government finding me other war work … but I can stay here nights and help with the milking.’ May leaned down and kissed Lily’s cheek. ‘I reckon I owe you something for all those years you acted “me Mam”.’ Before Lily could say anything she slipped past and went inside the house.

  Lily was deeply touched by the unexpected tenderness in her sister’s gesture and it brought on a positive avalanche of longing to be held, to be caressed and kissed, to have Matt say he still loved and desired her. She wanted to cry and cry because despite having people round her she felt so alone without him. If only she knew what was happening to him it would help in coping with the fear surrounding the birth of the baby she desperately wanted – fear she had spoken of to no one. Again and again she had told herself it would be all right this time round. There had been no air raids to cope with and all the emotional trauma and weariness they had caused. There was no Rob to work her up into that frenzy of anger, jealousy and guilt which had led to the accident that caused the premature birth. For an instant she wondered what had happened to him and how Matt had persuaded him to leave that terrible night he had left her.

  Remembering, a few tears rolled down her cheeks and she felt as if there was an enormous sob inside her struggling to be released, but fought against giving in to it. What good would crying do? If things did not go well with her and the baby, then would be the time to cry. Now she had to smile because Ben was coming home and that was something to rejoice about.

  ‘Do you think everything looks all right?’ said Dora, gazing anxiously at Lily. ‘Will there be enough food?’

  Lily stared at the table with its array of scones, cakes, pies, cooked meats, slices of buttered home-made bread, jelly with slices of banana set in it, and shook her head in a bemused fashion. ‘I know people who would believe they’d died and gone to heaven if they saw this. Where did you get the banana?’

  Dora sniffed. ‘I paid five pounds for it and the money’s gone to the Lord Mayor’s War Fund. This is a one-off, Lily. You don’t have to tell me there’s a war on. Now you sit and rest. They’ll be here soon.’

  Lily had no sooner sat down than May said, ‘They’re here now! The car’s just driven up!’ She turned from the window and hurried across the room. She seized Lily’s hands and heaved her to her feet. They moved as fast as they could and arrived outside just as Ben eased himself off the running board with the aid of a stick.

  Lily was aware of the heavy sweet smell of wallflowers growing beneath the window, and of being shocked. ‘See the conquering hero comes,’ she thought. ‘Sound the trumpets, beat the drums!’ She felt a sob swell inside her chest. Pain had drawn lines in her brother’s face and his hair was completely white. She had been warned but now she was reminded of her father and could not think of anything to say.

  Ben smiled and said, ‘Good God, our Lil, you loo
k worse than me! You’re as big as a tank!’

  ‘Ben, you shouldn’t make remarks like that!’ exclaimed Dora, clasping her hands to her black silk bosom. ‘It’s indecent.’

  ‘No, you should have said she’s in a delicate condition,’ said May, her eyes dancing. ‘Only she doesn’t look delicate, does our Lil.’

  ‘Shut up, you!’ Lily was glad of their words. Smiling, she held out a hand to Ben. ‘I’d give you a hug only I doubt you can get close enough.’

  His fingers tightened about hers and she could see the query in his eyes. ‘You OK?’ was all he said.

  She nodded, knowing there were some things neither of them would ever be able to tell the other now. They’d changed, but it was a comfort knowing he was near at hand to lean on if need be.

  A pale but determinedly smiling Vera took Ben’s arm. ‘You must meet Dermot,’ she said. ‘He’s been of great help to Ronnie.’

  ‘To us all,’ said Dora gruffly, falling back alongside them. ‘He’s getting a quick spit and polish out in the stables after mucking out with the girls and your brother.’

  Ben glanced about him. ‘Where are Ronnie and the twins?’

  ‘Ron’s still in the bath. He’s worse than me for wallowing,’ said May brightly, slipping her hand through Ben’s other arm and hugging it tightly. ‘The twins are in the house somewhere.’

  Lily caught the sheen of tears in her sister’s eyes before the curtain of her hair fell forward and hid her face. May might not have suffered much in this war but was definitely more caring now because of it. The sight of Ben had upset her but she was doing her best to appear her old cheerful self.

  They all went inside to find the twins in the kitchen, kneeling on a chair, leaning over the jelly bowl.

  ‘You dare!’ shrieked Dora, and flew across the room.

  The twins’ heads shot round and Joe fell off the chair and dropped his spoon but Josie rammed the contents of hers in her mouth. She received a swift smack on the bottom but by then Joe was out of sight under the table. ‘You come out of there,’ ordered Dora. No answer. ‘Joseph!’

  ‘I’ll get him.’ May got down on her hands and knees, her scarlet-patterned skirts billowing about her.

  ‘No, leave him,’ said Dora, eyeing the crater-like surface of the jelly, depleted of nearly every bit of banana. ‘He can stay there and do without while we eat everything else.’ She took a spoon and lifted out the last of the jellied banana and proffered it to Ben, with a glass bowl beneath it to catch any bits. ‘Not much for a returning hero but it’s all yours and it didn’t come cheap.’

  ‘Thanks, Aunt Dora.’ He grinned and took the food straight from the spoon. ‘It’s great to be home.’

  They all laughed and Joe crawled out from under the table. At the same time Ronnie and Dermot and the four land girls walked into the kitchen. Joe’s misdemeanour was forgotten as introductions were made, and the level of conversation rose as they all sat round the table. ‘Ben, say grace,’ commanded Dora.

  In the silence that descended came the sound of footsteps along the paved passage leading to the room. The door opened and Daisy entered, accompanied by a man in sailor’s uniform. A chorus of voices welcomed them and Dora said, ‘Sit down quick, do. We’re all starving.’

  Daisy pressed her cheek against Ben’s and dragged her sailor to where there was a space on a bench. ‘For what we are about to receive,’ said her brother.

  ‘May the Lord make us truly thankful,’ chorused everyone.

  There was rattle of cutlery, a chink of plates. Dermot and Ronnie opened several bottles of peapod, parsnip and blackberry wine which had been fermenting in the cellar since the year war had been declared.

  ‘Potent stuff,’ said the sailor, draining his glass.

  Daisy smiled across the table at Lily. ‘You OK?’

  ‘You’ll soon know if I’m not.’ She returned the smile. Now was definitely not the time for tears or speaking of her fears.

  Lily’s pains started the next day just as she was pouring the last of the milk into the cooler after the second milking, but she waited half an hour just to be sure before telling May.

  ‘You get up to bed,’ said her sister immediately, undoing her apron. ‘Who do I get? And where do they live?’

  Lily told her, adding, ‘Fetch Mrs Draper first if she’s in. I – I’d rather not be on my own.’

  May stared. ‘You’re not scared?’

  ‘Of course not,’ said Lily crossly, clutching the back of a chair and breathing deeply. ‘I just want company.’

  Her sister hesitated. ‘Perhaps I should stay and send Mrs Draper? I’d hate—’

  ‘Don’t be daft!’ interrupted Lily in mid-breath. ‘She’s an old lady. She can’t run!’

  May swallowed. ‘It’s not going to come that fast, is it?’

  ‘Just get the midwife,’ she cried. ‘I’ll get Mrs Draper.’

  ‘But can you—? began May.

  Lily lost patience and pushed her sister out of the door and followed her to fetch Mrs Draper, her apprehension firmly under control.

  Lily felt as if she had done a week’s work without stopping but it was all over now and had been worth it. She glanced at the screwed-up features of her son and felt the tug as his tiny mouth worked to draw nourishment from her breast. She brushed her cheek against the soft down on his head and thought, my little hero, it must have been as hard for you as me. If only your father knew about you. Hopefully he’d come running home. She was not going to dwell on the thought that Matt might not want to see his son.

  An hour later May entered the sunlit room with Ronnie. She took the baby out of the old Moses basket and rocked him in her arms. ‘I hope you’re going to let me be godmother?’

  ‘I haven’t been to church for ages,’ murmured Lily, realising she would have to make some decisions. David had called several times but she had told him she could not talk about what had happened with Matt. It was too soon and she was hurting. He had returned to Australia was all she would tell him.

  ‘You’ve got to have him christened,’ said her sister. ‘Matt would want him done.’

  ‘You’ve got no tact,’ said Ronnie, sitting on the bed and placing a box of chocolates on the cover.

  Lily pretended not to have heard either of them. ‘You must have really done without to buy these,’ she said, undoing the cellophane on the box of Black Magic.

  ‘We all decided to do without an Easter egg and our weekly sweeties,’ said May. ‘But getting back to godmothers …’

  Lily smiled. ‘You like him then?’

  ‘He’s beautiful, but not when he wees over me.’ She shook her arm and handed her nephew to Lily. ‘Somebody should come up with something to stop them doing that.’

  ‘Put a cork in it,’ drawled Ronnie.

  ‘Exactly,’ said May, grinning.

  Her brother ignored her. ‘Ben said he’d visit later.’

  ‘What about Vera?’

  ‘Someone’s got to look after the twins. Aunt Dora is going to see Clark Gable at the flicks with Dermot.’

  Lily and May exchanged smiling glances but made no comment.

  Later when Ben called, Lily asked him what he thought of Dermot.

  ‘I was going to ask you that,’ said Ben, fetching a chair and placing it beside the bed. He sat, his wounded leg stretched out in front of him.

  ‘I like him.’ She thought how much more relaxed her brother seemed today. Close up, his face only appeared a little older than his twenty-seven years.

  He took a pipe from his pocket and fiddled with it. ‘He’s asked me if he may court Aunt Dora.’

  Lily smiled. ‘How lovely and old-fashioned. I presume it’s because he sees you as the head of the house?’

  ‘I’m the eldest male and that goes for something in his book.’ He paused to take tobacco out of a pouch. ‘He’s considering going back to Ulster and buying a bit of land with a cottage on it … rear a few hens, a couple of pigs, a cow and some horses. He thinks Aunt Dora�
�ll make the perfect companion.’

  ‘Is he madly in love with her?’

  Ben raised his eyebrows and grinned. ‘At their age? He thinks she’s a damn’ good cook if the truth is known!’

  Lily mused, ‘The way to a man’s heart. If it wasn’t for Matt they’d never have …’ Her voice trailed off. There was a long silence before she continued, ‘Do you think she’ll go?’

  He shrugged. ‘She’s definitely got a soft spot for him and she told me she misses Uncle William dreadfully. Someone of her own age, you see.’

  ‘I miss Uncle William.’

  ‘It seems strange without him – but I’ve seen too many die young to grieve overmuch for a man who had a fairly good life and lived to see sixty.’ He rammed tobacco into the bowl of the pipe, lit it and got it going before continuing. ‘Besides, that’s how life is, a generation moves on and the next moves up.’ He stood and limped round the bed to where the baby slept. He gazed down at him for what felt a long time.

  Lily waited for him to say something and when he did it was only partly what she expected. ‘What are you going to do about Matt? Daisy told me he was in the Aussie Liverpool.’

  She nodded, a flush on her cheeks, wondering what else Daisy had said.

  Ben drew on his pipe before saying, ‘Do you remember me reading that bit out of the Echo to you about that Aussie Liverpool? It was just before the Coronation when the papers were full of fascinating snippets about people from here, there and everywhere.’

  She sat up straighter, her interest roused. ‘I remember, but I’ve forgotten what it said.’

  ‘It was about a bishop who’d popped off. He was ordained here on Merseyside but had also been a chaplain at an army base in Aussie Liverpool.’

  Lily’s pulses quickened. ‘Are you saying you think Matt’s joined the Australian Army as a chaplain?’