Lily’s War

by June Francis

  Ben lowered himself on to the bed. ‘It’s a thought.’

  She swallowed. ‘He got restless when there was news about Aussies involved in the war.’ Her voice was barely audible. ‘When Singapore fell, and when Darwin was bombed.’ Her eyes met Ben’s. ‘Chaplains don’t go into battle, though.’

  ‘They don’t fight but they should be up there somewhere with the men, giving them moral support.’

  She tried to think about that, calmly, logically. He probably wasn’t in danger. ‘We can find out for sure, can’t we?’

  ‘I should think so. Write a letter to him c/o the Commanding Officer. That should get to him if he’s been there.’

  ‘He mightn’t have told them he has a wife!’ A nervous laugh escaped her. ‘And he mightn’t believe the baby’s his when he does get to know.’

  Ben’s expression changed and he looked irritated. ‘You two haven’t half made a muck-up of things! I know events and the war have messed your life up a bit but it’s done that for thousands of couples. You and Matt should at least believe that God can do something about straightening the kinks out in your marriage. In the meantime give Him a helping hand! Write to Matt telling him the truth about you loving him and having had his baby and about what exactly happened between you and Rob Fraser. Tell him of your fears and hopes where he is concerned. I know it’s a tall order but he’s only heard Rob’s version in depth. It could make the difference between life and death to Matt, and I’m not joking, Lil. A man needs to know there’s something worth returning to when he’s in a war. Because of his faith, Matt’ll have tortured himself more than some of us would, thinking of things he shouldn’t have said or done and vice versa. As for his telling the army about you – he will have done because he’s honest and got some sense. You’re his next of kin. If he gets killed they need to know you exist.’

  She felt she’d been steamrollered. ‘OK! OK! But do you have to be so brutal about his being killed?’

  His eyes softened. ‘But that’s what should be at the top line. Think how you’d feel if he was killed, and don’t leave things too late.’

  He stood, leaning on his stick, looking down at the baby once more. There was something in his face that made Lily forget her problems and wonder about his. ‘Will you be one of his godfathers?’ she said quietly.

  He nodded and she knew he was pleased despite his walking out without saying another word.

  Lily wrote the letter, being as honest as she could, put it in an envelope with her name and address on the back. Then she wrote a note to David asking if he could please call She needed to be churched before her son’s baptism and that had to be arranged. Naturally having a good reason to see David would make it easier to talk about Matt to him.

  She handed both letters to May, praying this time Matt’s would not go unanswered.

  Chapter Twenty

  Lily turned the sheet of paper over between her hands and did not know whether to laugh or cry. For security reasons her letter had been opened and some cheeky Aussie sergeant was sending his congratulations on the birth of Paul Matthew Gibson and informing her that her husband was no longer at the base but her letter would be sent on. He was just letting her know because there’d probably be a bit of a delay before she’d hear anything. He couldn’t tell her any more for security reasons. ‘Damn security,’ she muttered.

  May stopped bouncing the baby on her knee and looked up at her. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘The security blinkin’ read my letter to Matt! I could screw myself into a ball and go and hide in a corner.’ She sighed heavily and allowed the letter to fall from her fingers into the fire where it quickly caught light and disintegrated.

  ‘Do they tell you where Matt is?’

  ‘No.’ Lily sank on to a chair and fought back that sob inside her.

  ‘At least you know he’s been there and they’re sending your letter on to him.’ said May.

  ‘Thanks for the words of comfort!’ She rested her head against the back of the chair and closed her eyes. ‘But I get so tired of wondering and worrying about him.’

  ‘You’re tired altogether. What you need is a break.’

  ‘Chance would be a fine thing.’

  ‘Sometimes you have to make your chances,’ said May sagely. ‘When’s our Daisy coming again?’

  ‘When she arrives.’

  ‘Let’s hope she makes it soon.’

  A few days later Lily was serving Frank his daily pinta when Daisy entered the shop. ‘You’re early,’ said Lily, immediately feeling heaps better for seeing her. She had suffered nightmares since the letter had come about Matt, imagining all sorts of things happening to him wherever the Australian forces were involved in fighting the Japanese.

  ‘It’s not that early. It’s almost dinner time!’ Daisy flashed Frank a teasing glance. ‘Hello, you! Still keeping the street in order?’

  His face, which was much thinner than before the war, turned brick red but he bounced back with, ‘Someone has to do it. You haven’t lived here for a good while now, Dais. Half the kids not evacuated are running wild because it’s the school hols and mams are working in factories and dads are away in the forces. Some of the lads have been up by the railway line where the ammunition train exploded, collecting shrapnel. A couple came home with live ammo. They could have blown themselves up if I hadn’t copped them and given them a warning and a good clip round the ear.’

  She looked at him approvingly. ‘You have come out of your shell. Does this new masterful you extend to your mother?’

  ‘Keep Mam out of this,’ he said shortly. ‘She’s been going funny lately – had to have the doctor to her.’ He picked up his milk, raised his hat and walked out.

  ‘He’s gone better-looking,’ mused Daisy, following Lily into the back premises. ‘But what does he mean about his mam going funny?’

  ‘She’s been going out into the street in the early hours with nothing on.’ Lily’s voice quivered slightly. Daisy stopped and stared at her. ‘I know it isn’t funny, but she always has her handbag with her and slippers on.’

  Daisy’s lips twitched. ‘It’s the war.’

  ‘She’s probably worrying about her business, poor thing. No oranges or bananas. People growing their own stuff as much as they can. Shortages of this, that and the other … queues. Now they’re bombing Italy.’

  ‘What’s Italy got to do with it?’

  ‘Can’t help feeling sorry for the Eyeties,’ said Lily shortly, putting on the kettle. ‘I’ve never been able to feel the same way over them as I feel over the Nazis.’

  ‘What’s the other option? It’ll make it easier for the Allied soldiers who’ll be doing the ground fighting if there’s less resistance. We’ve got to isolate Germany and throw the lot at them when we do.’

  Lily said quietly, ‘You’ve gone hard.’

  Daisy’s face set. ‘The Jerries killed my husband, and thousands of other sailors have gone to the bottom of the sea!’ She paused, sighed. ‘Anyway, I thought you’d be more concerned about Matt than the enemy. Think how you’d feel if it was him or my nephew here who’d been killed in the air raids.’ She smiled down at Paul who was lifting the blanket in the air with his feet. Tickling him under the chin she said, ‘Where’s our May, by the way? She sent me a note.’

  ‘Did she?’ Lily stared in surprise. ‘Why on earth would she do that?’

  ‘She thinks you need taking out of yourself, and to all appearances she’s probably right.’ Her eyes passed over Lily and she shook her head. ‘You’re looking drab. When did you last go anywhere? And I don’t mean queuing up at the fish shop or taking the baby to the park.’

  Lily shrugged. ‘Don’t talk to me about the park! You can’t walk a hundred yards without falling over a Yank from Burtonwood snogging in the grass with some girl. Anyway, I don’t want to go out. I’m quite happy as I am.’

  Daisy looked disbelieving. ‘We all need a change some time or other. Anyway, you’re going out whether you like it or not. There�
�s a tea dance at Reece’s this afternoon. You’re coming with me.’

  Lily shook her head. ‘I don’t dance.’

  ‘You can just drink tea and eat a cake then, but you’ll be out, doing something different.’ Daisy smiled and shooed her in the direction of the lobby.

  ‘But—’ began Lily.

  ‘Don’t argue with me. Go and have a good soak, shampoo your hair, find a pretty dress.’

  ‘I’ve got no shampoo. There’s a war on, you know,’ she said impatiently.

  ‘I thought you’d make excuses.’ Daisy opened her capacious shoulder bag and handed a brown paper parcel to her.

  ‘What is it?’

  Daisy raised her pencilled eyebrows and fluttered her Cherry-Blossom-boot-polish-in-place-of-mascara eyelashes. ‘Go and find out!’ She pushed her again. ‘I’ll mind the baby and the shop.’

  Lily gave in and ran upstairs, clutching the parcel to her breast. She put it on her bed, tore a hole in it and brought out a block of Lux toilet soap. She could not believe it. Her sister certainly hadn’t pinched this from supplies. She cradled it in her hand almost reverently and sniffed its delicate perfume, remembering how the adverts said Jessie Matthews used Lux toilet soap. She rummaged some more in the parcel to find Amani shampoo, bath salts, a face flannel and a pair of sheer nylons, not black so not naval issue. Her fingers stilled. Her sister must have got the stockings from a Yank. Should she use them? She glanced down at the white ankle socks lack of coupons and shortage of stockings had driven her to wearing when she didn’t use leg tan, and made her decision. It had been kind of Daisy to give her all these goodies.

  Lily opened the wardrobe and riffled through the garments hanging there. Most of her coupons went on buying wool or baby clothes because she enjoyed Paul looking and smelling nice and fresh, and besides he was growing so quickly. She found the crèpe-de-chîne dresses which had been part of her trousseau. An enormous sob swelled inside, her body began to shake and she burst into tears.

  How long she lay on the bed crying she had no idea, but by the time the emotional storm had passed, her face was blotchy but she was feeling a lot better. She ran a bath and enjoyed pampering herself. She even pushed back her cuticles and filed her nails before smoothing Pond’s vanishing cream on her hands, not wanting to ladder the stockings first time on. She dressed in one of the floral dresses, pleased that it still fitted, and felt a sense of shock on gazing at her reflection. She looked much younger than yesterday and for the first time in a long while she did not feel her thirty-one years.

  After the barest of hesitations, from a drawer she took a small photograph album and opened it. Slowly she turned the pages showing pictures of her and Matt on their wedding day. She had not possessed the courage to do this for a long time but today she felt strong enough to cope with the sight of their happy faces. Please God, bring him home, she prayed before closing the book.

  Matt’s image was clear in Lily’s mind as she went downstairs. Daisy wolf-whistled as she entered the kitchen. ‘If Matt could see you now his tongue would be hanging out.’

  ‘Let’s hope it will when he comes home,’ she said cheerfully.

  ‘That’s the spirit, Lil.’ Daisy smiled as she placed a copy of Woman on the table. ‘What are we going to do with the baby? I thought our May would be here by now.’

  Lily glanced at the clock. ‘Not for another couple of hours, but Mrs Draper will probably have him till she arrives.’

  ‘Let’s drop him off then and be on our way.’

  Lily glanced about the huge ballroom with its long beautifully draped windows overlooking Clayton Square where the flower girls still managed to sell their wares. The room was three storeys up. On the floor below was Reece’s restaurant and below that the shop that sold meat, fruit, bread, cakes, all sorts of food. Next door was Owen Owens where she had bought her wedding dress. Her eyes took in the white linen-covered tables with all sorts of fancy cakes and then the band playing at the other side of the room. Her toes tapped out a tune despite her having second thoughts about being there. She had never seen so many men in uniform except in a Pathé newsreel and wondered what Matt would think if he knew she was here. There were some civilians whom she knew had paid half a crown to come in. Service personnel got in cheaper.

  ‘May I have this dance?’ The naval rating appeared in front of her as if by magic. He was neither tall, dark or handsome nor very young but his expression was hopeful.

  ‘I don’t dance very—’ she began.

  Daisy trod on her foot and smiled at the seaman. ‘She’s been ill, so you’ll have to go easy with her, sailor.’ She forced her sister off her chair and on to her feet.

  Lily had no option but to go with him as he pulled her into his arms to join the dancing throng circling the floor to a Glenn Miller number. She sought for something to say but the next moment she had forgotten her partner because, as she glanced over his shoulder in Daisy’s direction, she saw a man in RAF uniform stopping in front of her sister. There was something about his stance that made her wonder. But it couldn’t be, she told herself. What were the odds of Rob’s being here on the very day she was here for the first time? Besides this kind of thing surely wasn’t his cup of tea? She tried to catch a glimpse of the man’s face as her sister stood up but as her partner swirled her around, she lost sight of them.

  For the rest of the dance Lily’s mind was only half on what her partner was saying as she tried to catch sight of Daisy. The music came to an end. Her partner inclined his head but did not ask for another dance or offer to escort her back to her place. And who could blame him? she thought as she made her way to her table.

  Daisy was not there and it suddenly struck Lily that if she stayed at the table, and the man was Rob, he would recognise her and might be tempted to interfere in her life again. Before she had a chance to worry overmuch, a Canadian airman asked her for the next waltz. She accepted with alacrity and was soon part of the swirling scene again. This time she tried to concentrate on what her partner was saying. He told her he came from Ottawa and talked of his family back home. He seemed quite happy for her just to listen and her mind drifted as her eyes scanned passing couples. When the music stopped, he asked her to dance again and she accepted.

  Two dances later and Lily had heard enough about Canada and its beautiful scenery and made the excuse she had to powder her nose. It was on the way back from the Ladies that she bumped into her sister. She seemed to be in another world. Her eyes were sparkly and she was humming a tune to herself.

  ‘Who was that you were with?’ said Lily, steadying her.

  ‘Which who?’ said Daisy.

  ‘The first RAF officer who?’

  ‘The Aussie? He didn’t give his name. They don’t always. They’re just whiling away the hours at this kind of dance. He was a bit of a dead loss actually. He trod on my foot and kept looking over my shoulder and didn’t listen to a word …’ She stopped abruptly. ‘Why d’you ask? It wasn’t …?’

  ‘Of course not!’ She knew immediately she had spoken too quickly and added in a lilting voice, ‘I’m just neurotic about Aussies in blue uniforms. Tell me instead who’s made your eyes sparkle and put a song in your heart?’

  ‘Another airman who suggested the most outrageous things in a deadpan way. He’s asked me out this evening but I said I couldn’t go because I’m with my sister. He said he had a mate. I said you were married. He said so was his mate. So I said—’

  Lily interrupted her. ‘You go without me.’

  Differing emotions warred with each other on Daisy’s expressive face. ‘Are you sure, Lil? I did plan on us making an evening of it.’

  ‘I’m sure.’ She smiled. ‘I feel heaps better and I appreciate the thought behind all this.’ Her waving hand encompassed the dancing couples, the noisy chat and the swinging musicians. ‘But I think I’ll go home now.’

  Daisy could not conceal her relief. ‘Our May’ll be wanting to hear all about it anyway. It was partly her idea.’

&n
bsp; ‘I’ll tell her all about it. You go back to your man.’ She squeezed her sister’s arm and left.

  Lily did not immediately go home. She walked up past the site on the corner of Clayton Square and Church Street where she and May had come not long after Paul’s birth to see a Halifax bomber assembled during ‘Wings for Victory’ week. There had been crowds in Liverpool that week. The streets were still crowded. Some came from Wales and other places like sightseers to look at the devastation Hitler had caused to the main shopping area. It made Lily sad, so she caught a tram which stopped at the Victoria monument. She remembered how she and Matt had changed trams there when searching for his aunt. By some miracle the monument had survived unscathed, a landmark for all to see amidst the expanse of ruin. Rule Britannia! she thought wryly. Yet somehow it was symbolic that the bronze Victoria was still there. Her spirits lifted. T. J. Hughes and other shops and stores which had suffered bomb or fire damage were still operating, and even Lewis’s was back in business. Hitler had failed.

  She felt more her old optimistic self as she stood watching a ferry boat carrying goods from a cargo ship across the choppy water, and would have enjoyed a walk along the Prince’s landing stage to have a closer look at the ships but most of it was fenced off and barred to all except those with legitimate business.

  She walked past the Riverside station and noticed what looked like aeroplane parts being loaded on to lorries further along the dock road. They were probably for the aircraft factory at Speke. She took several lungfuls of salty air, crossed the road, passing under the overhead railway, and had a look at the ruined sailors’ church. The diocese had suffered the loss of several churches, as well as Church House with its records and thousands of valuable books. She thought of Matt and how he had thrown himself into his work in Liverpool, and wondered if he did return, whether he would stay. It was a question she had no answer to.

  Once more she gazed in the direction of the river and breathed deeply of the sea air before looking up at the Liver birds.