Ma, It's a Cold Aul Night an I'm Lookin for a Bed

by Martha Long

  ‘Get yer Cheeky Charlies,’ I could hear the Moore Street aul ones shouting. Now they were along this street for the Christmas. With their stalls lining the edge of the footpaths, catching all the people crushing past. They wouldn’t take no for an answer.

  I made me way onto the footpath, hoping to make it up to Woolworths. ‘Here, love. Take one a dem for the Christmas. Yeh’ll get hours a enjoyment outa it. Lookit! Take it!’ an aul one with grey curly thin hair sticking out of the scarf on her head roared at me, her tired, faded old blue eyes boring into me, as she danced the grinning monkey up and down on the string, then shoved it in me face.

  ‘Ah, no, missus! Thanks, I don’t want it,’ I laughed, trying to push past her.

  ‘No, wait! Come back,’ she said, grabbing the sleeve of me coat. ‘Lookit! Yeh can give it as a present to yer sisters and brothers. Mebbe yeh might even play with it yerself. It’s not too long since yeh used teh play yerself. Go on! It’s only a half a crown, love. Lookit! I have only a few left,’ she said, waving at her stall. ‘Or lookit! What about a few decorations? Yer mammy would love dem! The best quality ones they are. Here, come back!’

  ‘No, sorry.’ I shook me head, pulling away from her. Feeling sorry as I pushed me way up the street. Poor woman is desperate to make a few pounds. But that’s no good to me. I never played with toys in me life, and I can’t give it to anyone. I don’t know many people these days. I haven’t made any friends yet. Just the customers who come in and out of the shop. But I don’t really know them.

  I couldn’t get in near the door of Woolworths. I stopped to look in, seeing the mad crush of people all milling around, pushing and shoving each other. Ah, I won’t bother meself going in there. It’s only a waste of time. Sure I won’t be able to get near the counters.

  I turned away, moving slowly through the crowd, making me way back out onto the road, and looked up at the Woolworths café overhead. I could see people sitting at the tables, looking out through the big glass windows enjoying themselves, eating and watching the crowds going past. I used to do that, I thought. Looking up at them. That was me greatest enjoyment after the terrible fear of going around robbing in the shops all day. Then when it was over, sit there at the window enjoying me chips and eggs and beans and bread and butter, with the pot of tea. Feeling an infinite sense of peace that it was all over and I had the money in me pocket, and the food in me bag, and I was safe for another week. It might be nice to go up now and have something to eat, and watch the crowds. But somehow, I don’t think it would feel right. It would remind me too much of them days. No, I’ll keep moving. That part of me life is now dead and gone. Thanks be to God.

  I made me way down Moore Street. ‘Sixpence the Christmas pineapples. Do yeh want some, love? Lookit! They’re only massive. Here! Feel one,’ she said, humping it up and down in her hand, making to land it in my hand. I kept me hands in me pockets, and smiled at her, moving on.

  ‘Here, missus,’ she said to an aul one trying to make her way past me. ‘Take one a these home for the Christmas. Go on! Try one out for after the dinner. They are ony gorgeous! I’m tellin yeh, missus. Yeh won’t be able teh get enough a dem. Here! Have ony the one then. Tha won’t break yeh!’ she roared. Her face curling up in disgust at the aul one, who pushed past her, saying, ‘Excuse me, please. I am in a hurry,’ speaking in a very grand voice.

  ‘Jaysus!’ the dealer roared after her, standing with the pineapple in one hand and the other hand on her hip, with her feet planted, going in different directions. ‘If anyone needs a pineapple, it’s you, missus! It might take tha sour, hungry, dyin-lookin look offa yer face. Yeh should start spendin tha confirmation money yeh made all a dem years ago. Yeh can’t take it wit yeh!’ she snorted, taking her vengeance out on the aul one rushing past me, looking mortified. I roared laughing, looking back at the dealer. ‘Them aul ones wouldn’t give yeh the steam offa their piss,’ she snorted. ‘Bleedin fur coat an no drawers,’ she moaned. Looking down mournfully at all the pineapples still left sitting on her stall. Then throwing her head at me and anyone else listening. ‘Go on, you!’ She waved her arm at me in disgust, not liking me laughing. ‘Don’t spend yer money all in the one shop,’ she said, starting to get even more annoyed with me.

  Jaysus! Them aul ones would kill yeh if you crossed them, I thought, laughing and pushing me way through the crowds. They really know how to make a show of you.

  ‘LAST OF THE TURKEYS! GET YER FRESH TURKEYS! Come in an lookit dem. Only beauriful, they are. They’re so fresh they’ll eat yeh alive!’ a small skinny little aul fella wearing a bloodspattered white apron down to his ankles was shouting through a megaphone into the faces of all the people going past the butcher shop.

  ‘Are they very fresh?’ a little aul one stopped to ask him, carrying a shopping bag so full with the Christmas shopping her head was nearly tipping the ground with the weight of it.

  ‘ARE THEY FRESH?’ he roared through the megaphone, letting the whole street know, and pointing it at her, blasting the ear offa her, making her jump back with the shock. ‘Missus,’ he roared, ‘they’re so fresh they haven’t had the time to know they’re dead yet! Sure weren’t they ony eatin their breakfast this morning. Not knowin they were goin teh be sittin on your plate tomorra!’

  ‘Gawd! I’ll go in an take a look,’ she said happily after looking at them all crowded on top of each other, sitting in the window with their eyes sticking outa their heads. Looking like they still couldn’t get over their misfortune at having gotten themself killed. I looked in to see what else they had. I stared at sheeps’ heads. Ugh! Jaysus! That would turn your stomach.

  I moseyed on, wandering with the crowd, getting meself carried to the other side of the street. I stopped to look in the window at the pork and bacon shop next to the laneway. I stared at the big hams and black-looking spiced beef, and corn beef, with nicelooking sausages and all sorts of different kinds of rashers. I could see the shop was crowded. I wonder what I’ll get for meself to eat over the Christmas? Right, I better get something in here. It’s as good as any, all the shops are full anyway.

  I shuffled me way in, following behind an aul granny with a shopping bag wrapped around her arm. The scarf was getting pulled off her head and we were getting battered by the people trying to get out. ‘Take it easy, will youse! For the luv a Jaysus. They’re not givin the stuff away for free!’ she huffed, looking back at me. As if I was the one pulling the scarf off her head.

  ‘Yer right there, missus,’ I said, muttering behind her.

  She lost the rag and thumped an aul fella falling backwards and standing on her feet. ‘Me corns! Mind where yer fuckin goin! The lot a yehs!’ she roared, pulling the scarf tight around her head, working her chin up and down. Then pushing her hands out in front of her to keep people moving, and stop them knocking her down.

  We got in as far as the door, and she pushed her way through, making for the counter. ‘Outa the way, the lot a yehs!’ she roared, pushing and shoving everyone. ‘I lost me place in the queue wit yehs pushin me back. Have youse no respect for the likes a me? Old an crippled, I am!’ People moved slightly to look back to see who was doing all the shouting and roaring and hitting. ‘Here! Let me in!’ she shouted as soon as someone made a little gap, looking at her.

  Then she was up to the counter with me behind her, pretending I was with her by shaking me head and puffing out me cheeks and raising me eyes to heaven, muttering, ‘The granny is a terrible woman. She has no patience.’

  One aul fella looked back at me and blocked me, saying, ‘Well, youse can wait yer turn. Yer not gettin yerselves in front a me!’

  ‘Here, you! I was standin here before you turned up! Ger outa me way or I’ll swing for yeh!’ Then she gave him a dig. Pushing out her bony elbows and squeezing past him.

  ‘Are yeh all right, Granny?’ I said, squeezing after her.

  ‘No thanks teh him, I am!’ she said, fixing the scarf on her little head and tying it under her chin. Giving the aul fella s
uch a dirty look it was enough to stop a clock. ‘What have they got?’ she said, trying to stretch her neck to see over the counter to the shelves behind the far wall. Seeing long strings of sausages, black and white pudding, cooked ham, and trays of eggs, then looking up at the ducks and chickens and turkeys and hams hanging outa the big hooks coming outa the big beams. ‘I ony want something small,’ she said. ‘Just to do me teh get by for the Christmas.’

  ‘Yeah, me too,’ I muttered, wondering what I was going to get. I can’t cook yet. I’m only starting to learn.

  ‘Listen, son! I’m next. Have yeh any nice chickens? I don’t want antin toooo big! Just enough for meself,’ she said, smiling at him, showing the one rotten tooth she still had left in her head.

  ‘Here’s a nice little one,’ he said, holding it by the legs and showing her, with the head and feathers still stuck to it.

  ‘Here, get rid a tha head first! Are yeh chargin me be the weight?’

  ‘Well, this one is three and six, but you can have it for two and six. Me Christmas box to you! How’s tha?’ he smiled, showing dimples in his cheeks and a lovely set of white teeth.

  ‘Yeah, tha will do me lovely,’ she said happily. ‘But take tha bleedin head off first. I don’t want teh be wakin up with the nightmares after lookin at tha thing!’

  ‘Now. Anythin else?’ he said, wrapping the chicken and landing it down on the counter.

  ‘Yeah, give us a half-pound a dem Hafner’s sausages, and a bit a black an white puddin. Make sure yeh put plenty a seasonin on dem! I’ll be watchin teh see wha yer doin,’ she warned him. He laughed, grabbing the sausages and cutting a bit of black and white pudding and lashing on the seasoning from the metal canister. ‘Yeah! I’ll take a dozen a dem big eggs there, an make sure yeh seal dem tight. I don’t want no one breakin dem on me, before I can get dem home!’ He slapped on an empty egg carton on top of the eggs then covered them all the way around, sealing them with the Sellotape. Putting the eggs now nicely packed on top of the counter.

  ‘Leave it at five shilling,’ he said, watching her rooting in her purse and coming up with two half crowns, landing them on the counter. Then she happily put everything in her bag, sticking out her elbows to make sure no one nudged her and ended up breaking the eggs before she could get them in her big cloth shopping bag.

  ‘Goodbye now! An a happy Christmas to yeh. Hope yeh have a bit a luck for givin me dem few things,’ she said, using her elbows to make her way out of the shop again.

  ‘Give us a half-pound a Hafner’s sausages!’ I roared up, before he could finish saying ‘Right, who’s next?’, looking down the line at the crowd of people all pushing and shoving, squeezing and suffocating us at the counter.

  ‘Here, I’m next!’ the aul fella with the red face shouted as the young fella asked me what else I wanted.

  ‘I’m goin teh get to you next,’ he said to the aul fella roaring in me ear behind me.

  ‘Tha one! An tha aul hag just gone out the door skipped the queue!’ he roared. Pointing his finger in the air, then jabbing it in me, stabbing me in the back. ‘Yeah! Scandalous, it is. An we all takin our place in the queue, an that’s the thanks we get for it! He’s servin them tha has no respect for anyone. Just walk in, if yeh please. An get yerself served straight away!’

  All the mutterings came from behind me, and everyone started roaring, giving out like mad. I couldn’t think fast enough what I wanted. So I copied the old woman. ‘Give us a bit of white pudding and a quarter of streaky rashers, and two nice big pork chops,’ I gasped, in an awful hurry before I ended up getting eaten alive and thrown out of the shop on me arse. ‘And don’t forget the seasoning. I want plenty of seasoning,’ I said, copying the aul one just gone out the door.

  The young fella wrapped them in white paper and slapped them down on the counter. ‘Anythin else?’ he grinned at me. Knowing I was in trouble for skipping the queue.

  ‘Yeah, I’ll take a dozen of them eggs there. The big ones,’ I said, pointing at the trays of eggs.

  ‘Four shillings and ninepence to you,’ he said, grinning at me.

  ‘Make it four shillings,’ I laughed, ‘and I’ll light a penny candle for yeh!’

  ‘If yeh promise to come in again,’ he said, ‘I’ll see what I can do.’

  ‘Get a fuckin move on there!’ roared the aul fella, giving me a smack on the back of me head. ‘We haven’t all day!’ he roared into me ear.

  ‘Yeh aul—’ I started to roar, whipping meself around.

  ‘Give us the half crown. And what else have you there?’ the young fella said quickly, seeing me with the half crown and the shilling in me hand after I stopped rooting in me purse for the rest, because I was going to give the aul fella behind me an earful. ‘Here!’ he said, grabbing me hand and taking the half crown and the shilling. ‘That will do.’

  ‘Right! That’s lovely,’ I said happily, delighted with me bargains. Then putting the eggs in me string bag along with the rest of me stuff and holding it in front, making me way out through the crowd, saying, ‘Go easy! Let me out. Don’t break me eggs.’

  ‘The curse a Jaysus on yeh!’ the aul fella snorted, giving me another dig on the shoulder, with his face turning blue at the sight of me after getting me shopping, and half of it for nothing, while he still had to wait. I just grinned, knowing he was annoyed enough with me, and pushed and fought me way over to the grocery part of the shop, hanging onto me eggs.

  Jaysus! This is no good. Me eggs will be smashed. I spotted empty carton boxes lying against the wall next to the counter where the girl was going mad trying to keep up with the paying customers. I reached in and grabbed a big one, mooching meself closer to the chair she was sitting on. Smiling up at her as she wondered what I was up to. ‘I’m just putting these things in the empty box,’ I said, scraping her nylon stockings with me hand getting pushed against her.

  I put the bag sitting in the box and used it as a battering ram to work me way around the shop. I put two bottles of milk into the box then headed down for a pound of good butter and a box of cheese. What else? I spotted the biscuits and put in a packet of me favourites, Kimberley. Then I went mad and put in a box of Dairy Milk chocolates. Lovely! That’s the lot. I made me way down to the queue, thinking I could easily make me way out the door now without paying. But I have no intention of doing that. Me self-respect is worth more then the few pennies I would save. You can’t put a price on self-respect.

  I felt really happy with meself standing in the queue waiting patiently to pay. Feeling I was really free at last. ‘Two shillings and elevenpence,’ the young one said.

  ‘Oh, you might as well give me twenty Major cigarettes while you’re at it,’ I said, pointing up to the shelf behind her. ‘Make it two packets of ten,’ I said, wanting to make them stretch. I handed over the money and made me way back out into the crowds. It was even worse now. It was beginning to get dark and the people were getting desperate to get their last-minute shopping. I battered me way down Moore Street, keeping the box out in front of me, pushing me way through the crowds. I stopped to look at tomatoes sitting on a stall. ‘Sixpence a pound’ the sign said.

  ‘Do yeh want dem tomatoes, love?’ an aul one said, diving on me and whipping open a brown paper bag ready to grab a pound of tomatoes for me.

  ‘Only if yeh give me the ones at the front,’ I said, staring at her.

  ‘Here, they’re all lovely,’ she said, grabbing the rotten ones she had hidden at the back. They always do that. Get rid of the rotten stuff first.

  ‘No, the ones from the front. I’m payin yeh good money,’ I said, wanting her to know I was no dopey posh young one.

  ‘Here, keep yer money,’ she roared at me, grabbing me arm and pushing me down the road. ‘Bleedin young ones! No respect for man nor beast. Some of dem have no rearin in dem. Their aul ones just dragged them up!’ she shouted after me.

  ‘Go on!’ I shouted. ‘Yeh should have respect for yer betters!’ I roared back at her. Knowing she would go
mad at the thought of someone looking down on her.

  ‘Yeh won’t be sayin tha if I catch hold a yeh!’ she roared, waving her fist at me. ‘I’ll soon put manners on yeh!’

  ‘Ah, yer all hot air,’ I laughed, sticking me tongue out at her, and crossing me eyes. Then I laughed, feeling a bit mean for tormenting the poor aul woman. Still and all, I’m not paying good money for just rotten tomatoes!

  I stopped outside the bread shop, seeing the loads of blackcrusted loaves of bread and fresh turnover all piled in the window. Right, I’ll get some of that lovely fresh bread to go with me good butter. I made me way into the shop, standing in a big queue, miles a bodies well away from the counter. Every time someone pushed out, the crowd milled in. I held the box in front of me, shouting, ‘Let me in!’ and forcing people to part away from each other, slowly getting me way to the counter.

  ‘Give us a black crusty loaf, and a fresh turnover. Make sure it’s very fresh,’ I said to the aul one serving me.

  ‘It’s all fresh,’ she snorted, breaking two loaves stuck together, and doing the same with the turnover, and putting them in a paper bag, then slamming them down on the counter, thinking I had a cheek. ‘One shilling and sixpence,’ she said, holding out her hand for the money. I landed the box up on the counter, whipping me purse out of me pocket, and handing over the money. Then I was out the door again.

  I stopped further down to look at a stall with only a few tomatoes left. They look nice and hard, I thought. ‘Give us a pound of yer good tomatoes,’ I said, watching her grab the paper bag and feel and manhandle them, throwing back the hard ones and looking for the soft ones. ‘Have a heart! It’s Christmas. Give us the nice ones, missus!’ I said, thinking I’m going to end up with a load of squashed tomatoes if she keeps this up.

  ‘Go on then,’ she said, landing the tomatoes back on the stall and picking up the nice hard ones.