This Life Isn't Mine

by Dominique Laura

  “What does Elliot think about this?” She stood behind me, her hands lightly resting on my shoulders to give me a reassuring squeeze.

  My stomach tightened at the simple gesture. I was nervous about tonight, and I really wasn’t sure why. This is what teenagers did; they went on dates, got dressed up, and opened their hearts to the possibility of love. That’s what I was going to do. Tonight, I was going to be Everly Hope Davis, and I was going to have the time of this life doing it.

  “He didn’t seem too thrilled when he found out, but considering how long he has been dating Natalie, he really has no say in what I choose to do with my love life.” The words came out harsher than I expected them to, but I was just being honest.

  Claire gave me a gentle smile. “I’m sure he’s just nervous for you. It is your first real date after all.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s just really annoying that he can’t let me have this experience without somehow making it personal, without making it all about him. It’s not like I agreed to go out with Jeremy to spite him, I just wanted to finally give something new and teenager-y a chance.”

  I thought for a moment and shook my head.

  “Okay, maybe at first it was to spite him but now I think I’m really looking forward to it, ya know?”

  “I think I do.” She leaned down to kiss the side of my face. “You look beautiful, Everly.”

  I smiled at her compliment. “I look a lot like you.”

  The words were out of my mouth before I could process them, and I realized how much I meant them. She and I were practically twins, except that she had short hair where mine was long, and her features were more defined, courtesy of age.

  Her smile widened and her eyes watered. I felt guilty for not giving her more of a chance, but that was on my to-do list too. I was trying to be a better person for Claire, a better daughter. And for the first time since making that decision, I think I was finally starting to get the hang of that.

  “You really do,” she said with a break in her voice. I placed my hand over hers on my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.

  “Thank you for being kind to me all of these years,” I said honestly. “Even when I didn’t deserve it.”

  “Of course, you’re my daughter. I vowed to never be anything but kind to you.”

  “Well, thank you for that. I really do appreciate it. I know I don’t make things easy, but I’m trying to be a better person.”

  “It shows, Everly.” She squeezed my hand back. “It really does.”

  I stood up, gently pulling out of her grasp. “He should be here any minute, so I really should go.”

  “What does he have planned?”

  “I don’t really know, but I hope it’s something good,” I said, sliding into my ballerina flats. “For the first time in a long time I want to have some fun, and Jeremy is practically the definition of it so I have a feeling he won’t disappoint.”

  Before she could respond, my phone buzzed on the vanity. I reached for it, laughing instantly at the text lighting up my screen.

  Jeremy: You look beautiful.

  Me: You haven’t even seen me yet.

  Jeremy: I don’t have to. I already know you look incredible.

  Me: You’re too much. Are you here?

  Jeremy: Waiting on your porch with a dandelion that I stole from your yard.

  Me: LOL see you in a minute

  I slid on my jean jacket and stuffed my phone into my pocket. I turned to walk out of my room and meet Jeremy but Claire’s look of curiosity and bemusement stopped me. I shook my head and laughed, staring at her curiously.

  “Is everything okay? He’s here, so I’m going to head out.”

  “You really are happy, aren’t you?”

  I nodded, biting my lip to suppress a smile. “I think so. I mean, for once my stomach isn’t flipping in fear and my heartrate is beating from the thrill of what tonight might be. That’s got to be happiness right?”

  She nodded, barely containing her own smile. “If it’s not then it’s definitely the start of it.”

  I moved to walk past her but back stepped and pulled her into a quick hug. “Don’t wait up. I’ll be home a little late, but I will make it back tonight.”

  “I trust you.” She assessed my outfit and gave me a thumbs up. “You really do look beautiful, Everly. Happy sixteenth.”

  Thank you, I mouthed as I ran out the front door, barely missing Jeremy.

  “Woah, that excited to see me, huh?” He joked.

  “Actually, yes, so don’t disappoint me because I’ve got some high expectations for this night out.”

  He groaned, shaking his head with the tilt of his lips. “I’ll try to measure up to them.”

  “I’m sure you will.”

  “I was right,” he said, slowly perusing my body and face with his eyes, a look of approval and something else entering his features. “You do look incredible. I don’t even know if beautiful is a good enough word for it.”

  I lightly slapped his shoulder. “Oh, stop, you’re making me blush.”

  One of his arms wrapped around my body, pulling me closely against his. His lips pressed against mine, unmoving, just barely touching, before he pulled back and pressed his forehead against mine. “You’re the full package, Everly, and I am so effing happy that you finally agreed to go out with me.”

  “Well, I figured with all the begging you did, I might as well throw you a bone,” I said with a shrug, barely keeping a straight face. “So, where’s this dandelion you were bragging about.”

  His lips pressed together and he took a step back, holding a lone dandelion in between us. “I figured you’d want to make a wish.”

  I giggled—something I hadn’t done with anyone other than Lio—and leaned forward, gently blowing on the tiny petals. I kept my eyes closed and made a silent wish.

  God, whoever you are, please make this life better than the last. I’m starting to learn that I’m not meant to return to it, and that’s okay. Just please don’t break my heart again.

  I went to move back but realized I hadn’t made an actual wish.

  I wish this life is everything and more, so much more.

  I stood straighter and slowly opened my eyes. Jeremy’s bright baby blues stared at me, shining with something I was curious to define.

  “I hope that whatever you wished for comes true, beautiful girl.” He leaned down and pressed his lips against mine again, this time deeper than before. I tilted my head to match his angle and smiled against his lips.

  “That’s two,” he whispered, his breath fanning my face as he slowly pulled away. “I’ve got fourteen more to go.”

  “What do you mean? And the first one barely counted.”

  “You get sixteen kisses for sixteen years, and every kiss will count Everly, I promise you that.”

  “Oh really?” I laughed. “And what if those kisses are unwanted ones?”

  “Then we’ll have to redo them,” he said casually. “But I promise that every kiss I give you will be wanted.”

  He winked at me, and I laughed harder at his forwardness. He was so confident, in an almost cocky way, but it was exciting. My body buzzed with anticipation. He was as unpredictable as a firework on Christmas morning, and I knew he meant every word he said, even if it did sound like total crap.

  “So, what did you have planned for tonight?” I asked, walking beside him along the sidewalk to his car.

  “Downtown, if that’s alright with you?” He asked, a little less confident than he was a minute before.

  When we got in the car and had our seatbelts on, I reached over and squeezed his bicep, reassuring him. “That’s perfect. Downtown Dallas is one of my favorite places, especially at night. There’s something about the way the city lights up in the night with laughter, people, and actual lights that opens my heart wide open.”

  “Awh,” he teased, smiling. “Who knew Everly Davis was such a sap.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” I pinched his elbo
w. “Just don’t tell anyone, they might get the wrong idea.”

  I was being honest with him, I was being myself, and it was surprisingly much easier than I thought it would be.

  “This is seriously the yummiest thing I’ve tasted in my whole damn life,” I said, taking a bite out of the cheesecake in my hand.

  “You know they had forks in there right?” He shook his head, taking a bite into his own cheesecake, sans fork.

  “Right back at ya, buddy,” I said through a bite of cheesecake. “Right. Back. At. Ya.”

  We were walking along the sidewalk as people bustled around us, enjoying their own Saturday night. Being out with Jeremy had been surprisingly fun. He was easy to be around, and I didn’t have to try too hard to impress him; he just seemed happy to be around me. And that, for some odd reason, made me happy too.

  We finished off the last of our cheesecake slices in silence and as soon as my hand lifted from the trash bin after placing the napkin inside, Jeremy’s hands pulled me against his body and moved us inside an intimate, small-spaced alleyway between two buildings. He pressed my back against the wall and looked down into my eyes intently, his smile lighting up his face as he leaned down to kiss me long and hard.

  “What are you doing?” I laughed against his lips, kissing him back.

  “I figure the night is almost over, so I might as well get a few kisses out of the way while I still can.” He held my waist and kissed my lips again. “I can’t fall behind now, not while I’m already ahead.”

  I shook my head at his forwardness. He was playful and fun and my heart appreciated the break from real life, from the constant battle it liked to get into with my head.

  I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him further against me, getting in a few kisses of my own. He might have wanted to give me sixteen, but I wanted way more than that. How I went from supposedly not wanting any to wanting them all and then some, I’ll never know. But I wanted more. That much I did know.

  His lips were insistent against mine, hungry and sensual—more than I thought a kiss could be. The only other person I had shared these types of kisses with had been Lio; they were crazed kisses, and they were more to prove a point because even then they were rushed, messy, almost animalistic. I mean, of course they were good. My stomach clenched at the memory. I slid my fingers into Jeremy’s hair and kissed him hard, begging my thoughts to stay in the moment and leave Lio. But even I knew that was an impossible feat. My heart, soul, body, all of it, leaned toward Elliot Smith every chance it got, even when I least wanted them to.

  I shook those thoughts away, doing my best to focus on the boy whose lips were currently locked with mine. After a few more moments, we both pulled away, breathing heavily. I laughed, lightly pushing his shoulder at the wide grin on his face.

  “There, that’s definitely got to be more than sixteen kisses.”

  “It was, but just to be sure,” he said quickly before grabbing my face between his hands and attacking my face with light kisses, pressing his lips against the side of my mouth. “Thank you for this.”

  “You’re the one I should be thanking. I had a really nice time.”

  “Nice, huh?” He lifted his brows in question.

  “Fine, more than nice.” I laughed, turning to exit the alleyway.

  His hand grabbed mine as he walked beside me. “Good, that’s what I was going for—more than nice.”

  I couldn’t sleep. Jeremy had dropped me off at a reasonable hour and as much as I would have liked to have wanted him to come inside, I wasn’t quite ready for that. We had a nice night, it was fun, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to be more than that. We hadn’t promised each other anything, and honestly that was probably for the best. I couldn’t offer him much more than easy and fun. I had enough emotional strain on my own without involving a guy into the mix.

  A light knock sounded at my door and I turned, squinting to see who it was. It was dark, the only light available coming from the moonlight streaming through my window. Whoever it was just stood there, leaning against the doorframe in silence. I waited a few blinks before speaking up.

  “Claire, is that you? I told you I wouldn’t be home too late. He was the perfect gentleman.”

  “I’m not sure I’d ever use gentle and man in the same sentence when talking about Jeremy,” Lio’s deep, low voice caused goosebumps to pop up all over my skin. I tried to slyly rub them away but judging by the smirk on his face as he walked further into my room and became visible, I knew that he knew the affect he had on me.

  “Shouldn’t you be tangled in the sheets with Natalie somewhere?”

  I hadn’t spoken to him in two days and when he had tried to message me to tell me happy birthday, I ignored him then too. I was being childish, sure, but I was weak around him, and my heart was finally mending. Lio was unpredictable, and he didn’t even realize it. He was just a genuinely good guy, one that I had loved since I entered this life. It wasn’t his fault that I shut him out, it was just the only way I knew how to deal with the constant overwhelming feelings I had whenever he was around. It also wasn’t his fault that it felt like a million knives were slicing my chest open whenever he and Natalie were together. She was nice enough, sure, but she had no problem bragging about her nights with Lio to her friends. I may or may not have eavesdropped on a conversation or two. I was only human, anyway. I brought myself back to the present and swallowed back my irritation, narrowing my eyes up at him.

  “Why is that the first thing you say to me?”

  “Why are you here?” I ignored his question, countering it with my own.

  “I missed your birthday,” he whispered, sitting beside me on the twin-sized bed. I had to scoot over to accommodate his body. My bed was barely big enough for me, let alone two people. “Not by choice, but still, I missed it, and I never have, not in the sixteen years you’ve been a part of my life.”

  I didn’t say anything, just continued to stare at him.

  “I know you’re upset with me and I wish I knew why, but whatever it is that I did I’m sorry, okay?” His voice was soft and there was a hint of sadness that made my chest clench. “I saw that you had a good time tonight. Jeremy posted a photo of you two on social media.”

  “I know,” I said, shrugging. “He thought it would be cute to post a picture of ourselves scarfing down cheesecake.”

  “You looked happy,” he said, gripping his hands around a small box in his hands. “Really happy.”

  “I was. It was fun.” I sat up and pressed my back against the wall, staring at the mini box his fingers closed around. “What do you have there?”

  “I bought you something, but since you’re so happy, I don’t want my lame gift to put you in a sour mood.”

  “When have any of your gifts ever made me less than grateful?”

  “Well, you’ve never really been mad at me before, so this is really a first for the both of us.”

  “Lio, I’m sorry.” My voice was low, and I wasn’t sure he heard me. So, I repeated myself a little louder. “I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t have to be,” he said, running a hand over his face. “I know I haven’t been fair to you. I didn’t realize it until the other day, but I think I get it.”

  “What is it you get?” My heart pounded in my chest, anxious for his answer.

  “It’s always been just you and me,” he said, his voice gravelly and low. “For as long as I can remember you’ve always been there, it’s always been you. I’m not lying when I say that you are everything, because you are. You’re everything to me, and I didn’t understand your jealousy before with Natalie.”

  He paused, staring down at the wrapped box in his hands as he gathered his thoughts. I was afraid to speak, too anxious to move, and I wasn’t even sure if I was breathing or not. I just stared at him with wide eyes, waiting for him to continue.

  “Everly, I hated seeing you with Jeremy.” He confessed. “When I saw that picture of you guys and how good you two looked together, I wa
nted to punch that smile off his face, and he’s my best friend, I usually don’t care who or what he does, but it’s you Ever. He had you tonight when I thought I would be the only one to have you always—to have your heart.”

  I blinked away the tears that watered in my eyes and took a deep breath to calm my beating heart. His confessions were what I had always hoped to hear but now that he was saying them, I wanted him to take them back. How could we go back to the way we were when we were tearing ourselves wide open, practically begging for the other to keep our hearts attached. He was my best friend, and he was supposed to be take on that role forever. If we crossed that line and our forever ended sooner because of our hormones and lusty feelings, would it really be worth it?

  I thought back to Jeremy. He was fun, safe, and easy. I didn’t have to think much when I was with him, and my heart wasn’t beating a million miles a minute. Granted, it should have been, but I was just starting to find myself as Everly, and even the thought of being with Lio as something more than friends had my palms sweating and my stomach twirling. He was exciting and honest, and he knew my heart almost better than I knew it myself, but I would feel too much, and I was already feeling so much already.

  Get it together, girl. It’s just Lio.

  I groaned. That was the problem. He wasn’t just Lio, and he honestly probably never would be. He would always be all that and more.

  “Lio,” I said with a hoarse voice. “We can’t. You’re my best friend, and if we keep playing on this line, we won’t be able to uncross it. I can’t lose you and starting a relationship would do just that. We’re sixteen, practically babies, and I don’t ever want to lose you, and I promise that you won’t ever lose me, even if I do have Jeremy in my life.”

  “I get that, I do,” he said, looking irritated, but then he gave me a small, rueful smile and held my hands in his. “Look, let’s put the brakes on this conversation, alright? I’m starting to feel a little wounded and a little pathetic.”