This Life Isn't Mine

by Dominique Laura

  I narrowed my eyes. “We’re just talking things through and if that makes you feel pathetic then… well, honestly, it makes me feel a little bit of that too.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, really.”

  We stared at each other, neither of us blinking, until we both broke out in a fit of laughter. We were being incredibly ridiculous about the whole thing; what should have been simple, we were making really complicated. And for what? We were both happy with who we were with, I mean I didn’t know what Jeremy was, but he had made me happy tonight, and I definitely wanted to try it out.

  Our laughter slowed, and we were back to staring at one another. His hands traveled up my legs until he was leaning over me, his hands pressing down on either side of my body to hold himself up.

  My eyes didn’t break from his, even as one of his hands drifted farther north and grazed the side of my skin. My eyes closed on their own, but I opened them back up and went back to staring at him. His eyes gave nothing away, but his lips were curved up in a small smile.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, finally finding the bravery to speak. “What are we doing, Lio?”

  “I’m giving you tonight.”

  “Giving me tonight?” I asked, my voice growing more hoarse the closer he got.

  “Yeah,” he said, looking over my face. “Giving you tonight. With me.”

  Before I could ask him anything else, his lips were on mine and he was kissing me, and I was kissing him back. I tried to match his pace, tried to match his breaths, but I couldn’t keep up. He smiled against my lips, his lips molding further into my kisses as his body leaned against the length of mine, moving just enough to set my insides on fire.

  Moments like this had never been mine and Lio’s problem—we were good at it. It was easy to convince myself that my heart wasn’t in it, that it was a purely physical attraction, but when his eyes looked at me the way they were now, like I would disappear if he even blinked, I felt my heart scream for his. I was afraid, of course I was, but with Lio promising to give me tonight, how could I not give myself to him in return?

  That answer was obvious—I couldn’t. So, I wouldn’t, and I didn’t.

  “Just tonight?” I whispered, pulling back just enough to look clearly into this eyes. “Lio, I don’t really know if we should do this. You have Natalie—”

  He shook his head, cutting me off. “Maybe, but I’ve always had you.”

  My throat tightened and tears blurred my vision. I pushed him off of me and scooted toward the other side of the bed, shaking my head quickly. He stood up, shaking his head in confusion.

  “We aren’t these people, Lio,” I said, swallowing back the tightness in my throat. “And to hurt people who care about us over one night is actually really selfish, and you aren’t that guy. I know you’re not. So, what are you doing? What are we doing? Our friendship is already hanging on by a thread.”

  I was hiccupping and trying to catch my breath as the reality of what we were about to do—what we almost did—hit me at warp speed.

  “Everly.” His voice cracked, and he held his face in his hands, his head moving back and forth. “I’m sorry. I know you like to blame it on teenage hormones, but I love you. I’ve always fucking loved you.”

  I flinched back, surprised, at the force of his tone.

  “But you’ve always shut me out and kept me at arm’s length.”

  “You know me better than anyone.”

  “And what does that tell you when the person who knows you the best questions just how well they know you at all?”

  I swiped angrily at my tears. “That isn’t fair, and you know it.”

  “No?” He stood up, raising his voice. The moonlight highlighted his anger, and I cried harder at the sight of it. We never did this. I didn’t know how to get my Lio back.

  “This isn’t you, so if you’re going to be this way with me then you should really just leave.”

  “Everly.” My name was a hushed whisper. His eyes saddened, and he took a gentle step toward me.

  I held up my hand and shook my head. “No. You need to leave. I don’t know what’s happened between us but we need some space before we lose each other forever.”

  “That won’t ever happen.”

  “No? Are you sure? Because it sure feels like it’s about to.” As I said those words out loud I realized just how much truth they held. Our relationship wasn’t what it was before and although I wanted to blame it on teenage hormones like he had said, I knew deep down it was more than that. I was angry with him and maybe a little embarrassed. My pride was hurt, but so was my heart.

  “Everly, you don’t mean that.”

  I cleared my throat and held strong. “You really need to leave.”

  His eyebrows drew together and a line of hurt formed between them. My body almost lunged at him and begged for his forgiveness, but I forced it to stay put. Sometimes acting on impulse led to more regret later on, and I never wanted to regret anything with him.

  He walked toward the bed, grabbed the gift box that had fallen on the floor, and handed it out to me. “Happy birthday, Everly Hope.”

  “I’m sorry, Lio.” I swallowed back a sob and gripped the box in my hand, clutching it against my chest.

  I watched as he walked away, his fists clenching and unclenching as he left my room. When I heard the front door click shut, I felt a piece of my soul break, the one that had only ever belonged to Lio. He was my best friend and on most days he felt like a whole lot more than that. So, what was I so afraid of? That was easy. I was afraid of giving my heart to someone, and I was afraid that once they gave theirs to me too that I would leave them, just like I left Penelope and the people who loved her. I had no say in the matter and neither did she, but it had happened anyway. That was my fate, my destiny, and as much as I hated it, I was powerless to stop it.

  It was easier to separate myself from Penelope because on nights like these when my whole heart was crumbling, I thought of her and the people in her memories, and I wondered about them. Where were they? Did they miss her? How did they move on when I barely could? The same questions played on repeat whenever my mind drifted to her, and I hated it.

  I wanted those answers and one day when I was strong enough—if I was strong enough—I would get them. But for now, today, I was just going to deal with it.

  I opened the box, a small part me nervous about what it held while the other parts of me were elated and excited to find out what he had chosen. I slowly lifted the top half, squeezing my eyes shut, before opening them and looking down at the present he had gotten me.

  My heart skipped one, two, three beats at the single gold star hanging from the thin chain of the necklace. I traced the outline of it, tears blurring my vision at the thoughtfulness of his gift. It reminded me of our time at the lake three years ago, the time we spent huddled close under the stars with our bare feet hanging in the water. This necklace meant more to me than any other gift I had ever remembered receiving. I clasped the chain around my neck and as the cold metal of the star fell against my chest, I smiled, breathing in the memories and comfort that it represented.

  Lio knew my soul almost as well as I did, and I was a fool to push him away tonight. I wouldn’t make that mistake again. The good thing about best friends though? Fighting, making up, and falling in love were three easiest things to do.

  “Why are we even fighting about this right now?” I yelled, trying to get him to hear me in any way that I could.

  “Because you act like this marriage is some dirty little secret.” He spat at me, the anger in his tone more forceful than any he had used toward me before.

  “That’s a damn lie and you know it!” My voice cracked, but I ignored the urge to cry and channeled that pain into my own anger. “Just because I don’t want to parade our relationship around at some uptight party doesn’t mean that I want to keep this marriage a secret, it means that I want it to stay private and that our intimate moments shouldn’t have to been
seen by a ton of nameless people in order for it to be validated.”

  “Nameless people?” He lowered his voice. “Is that what you think of my family gatherings?”

  “Your family gatherings consist of hundreds of people in a fancy ballroom who only care about the latest gossip.” I abruptly shut my mouth as soon as I said those words. It’s not that they were untrue, but I knew how hurt he was about to be by them. I clawed at my chest, shaking my head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

  “No,” he said, his anger less evident than it was a few seconds before. “We should have this conversation. I didn’t know that my family was an issue.”

  “They aren’t, I promise they aren’t.” I pleaded, desperate for him to be near me. Instead he was backing further and further away from me, needing his distance. “I’m just not used to the glamour of it all. I love being married to you, I just don’t feel the need to attend every single function to prove that we are in fact happily married. They’ve never approved of me and in their eyes I’m never going to be good enough for you and that’s fine, as long as you know what you mean to me.”

  “My family is difficult but this life is all I’ve ever known, Penny.” He closed his eyes for a brief moment before walking over to me. He gripped my hands in his. “I understand where you’re coming from though. They do ask an awful lot of questions, don’t they?”

  I nodded, slightly relieved. “They really do.”

  “I love you even more because my family’s wealth has never fazed you.”

  “It has, just not in the way it would most other girls,” I said with a small laugh. “I’m a teacher and you’re...well, you’re really successful. We’re a good balance, but your family and friends have never seen it that way.”

  “You’ve talked me out of it,” he said, pressing a quick kiss against my lips. He pulled away and undid his suit jacket, folding it over the chair in the corner of our bedroom. He slowly unbuttoned his dress shirt and stared at me expectantly. “Come on babe, I know you’re just waiting to jump out of that gown.”

  “I am, I really am.” I laughed. When he raised his brows as if to ask what I was waiting for, I slid out of the floor length dress and released a breath of relief. “That feels amazing.”

  “You know what else is going to feel amazing?” He asked, stalking toward me.

  I placed my hands on his shoulders and shook my head. “What?”

  He wiggled his brows at me. “You.”

  I giggled as he pulled me against him and gripped the back of my head.

  “You’re the love of my life Penelope, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life making sure that you know it.”

  I woke up with tears in my eyes. That happened a lot whenever I dreamt of Penelope’s husband. Each dream was like watching an old movie–the scenes were fuzzy and almost impossible to see clearly. I didn’t know what he looked like but that didn’t seem to matter because my heart reacted as though it would jump a billion times through rings of fire in order to get to him.

  I rubbed at my chest, willing the after burn of the memory to fade away. Wherever he was, if he was anywhere at all, I knew he still loved her and that he was the type of guy to keep his promises.

  If only I knew his name.

  But that was another issue I had with these memories. Details were close to none unless they were shared in conversation. I knew I was from Los Angeles—well, that Penelope was—but not where specifically. I knew my name and what I looked like for the most part, but I didn’t know anyone else’s name or what they looked like. I didn’t understand. A small part of me wanted to kneel down and pray, but I wasn’t prepared for the answers the big man upstairs might have for me, or even the silence he would more than likely have, too. I didn’t know if I would ever be ready for that conversation with Him, but I hoped.

  “Claire, do you believe in reincarnation?” I asked in a quiet voice.

  I wanted Claire and I to have a relationship with each other. It wasn’t her fault that I was stuck in this life, and I needed to start being more grateful for the opportunity to live instead of wasting it and throwing around bitterness every time I opened my mouth. I was trying to be a better person—trying being the operative word.

  “Sure, I do, Ever.” Her voice was just as quiet as mine, I almost strained to hear her. “I don’t believe our purpose here is temporary, I believe it’s everlasting, which is partly why I named you Everly.”

  “What’s the other part?” I asked, more curious than ever at this new revelation. I knew more about my past life—I mean Penelope’s—than my current one and that was saying something since I knew little about Penelope’s as it was.

  “Well, the other part is that I need to believe it’s everlasting, otherwise—” She pause mid-sentence, her eyes watering as her body slowly began to shake. I reached over and placed a hand over hers, giving her a reassuring squeeze. She squeezed back, her love for me evident in that simple gesture. She cleared her throat. “Otherwise living this life would be a whole lot more difficult than it is now, especially alone.”

  “Can I ask you about my father?” I asked slowly. “You’ve never talked about him before.”

  “I was afraid of hurting you, but you’ve never asked, so I figured it was best.”

  “Can you tell me about him?” I asked, my voice as unsure as I felt about actually wanting to know, but I needed to. I needed to understand my life and asking questions was the only real way to do that.

  “Sure,” she said, wiping a stray tear from the corner of her eye. “What do you want to know?”

  I crossed my legs and sank further into the couch, my eyes never leaving Claire’s. “What happened to him?”

  “I’m not really sure,” she said, and a piece of my heart broke at the uncertainty in her tone. “We were living in Oregon at the time, my family and I, and a boy came into town, all confident and sure of himself. He wasn’t there long, but I fell in love with him, and that love led to you.”

  She looked at me, silently questioning whether she should continue with her story. I nodded, urging her to go on. I needed to know.

  “When he left, I was absolutely devastated. But I understand why he did what he did, and he never promised me forever, so I couldn’t really fault him. A few months later I found out I was pregnant with you and even though my parents weren’t supportive and I would essentially be doing it alone, I knew I couldn’t let you go. From the moment that stick told me you were inside me, I vowed to make it my mission to love you and give you the best life I could. My parents were cold to me, so I left because I knew it’s what they wanted. I didn’t understand it but they were old fashioned, I moved to Texas with my best friend Emily and her family, since she had her family here already, and I started my life here.”

  “Is that why you two are so close?”

  “Yeah, she’s the only family I have now aside from you, and of course Elliot.”

  I pulled on my bottom lip, processing this new information that she had just given me. Claire wasn’t a bad person, in fact I could argue that she was too kind at times. She had sacrificed her own life so that I could have mine and up until now I had taken that for granted. What type of person did that make me?

  The type who realizes their faults and makes a change, My brain answered.

  I was a work in progress but really who wasn't these days?

  “Claire, I’m really sorry for the way I’ve treated you,” I said sincerely. My throat threatened to close the more I spoke, but I needed to get this out. “Seventeen years is a long time to mistreat someone and you didn’t deserve any of it. What I’m going through, what I’ll probably always struggle with, isn’t your fault. So, I’m sorry.”

  “Oh, sweetheart.” Claire moved to sit beside me and pulled me against her side, hugging me tight. “It’s okay. I was your age once.”

  So was Penelope, I thought, before quickly pushing that thought away.

  I couldn’t control the memory-like dreams, but I could cont
rol how I acted in this life. I mean, sure, I remembered a lot more from my past life than most others probably did. I remembered details about Penelope and who she was, what she did, but when it came to everyone else, all I got were small glimpses. And even though they drove me mad, I lived a good life as Penelope, so why had I been fighting the chance at living a good one as Everly? I didn’t know, or maybe I did, I was just afraid of sharing that answer aloud. Living in denial was easier than facing things head on, but that’s exactly what I needed to do.

  Two arms wrapped around me from behind and I reached up, gripping their forearms. I smiled, knowing immediately who it was solely based on how hard they were holding onto me. I leaned my head back and smiled up at Lio’s chocolate-colored eyes.

  “Hey beautiful boy,” I leaned against him and pressed a quick, light kiss beneath his jawline. “I haven’t seen you around lately.”

  “Coach has me doing triple drills.” He groaned. “I mean, I love football, but I really just want to see my best friend.”

  “Uh huh, cute.” I shook my head and spun my body around, staying between his arms. I ran my hands up and down his arms from his wrists to his shoulders, soothing his irritation and tiredness away. “It’ll all be worth it in the end, you know that.”

  “Yeah, I know.” He pulled a strand and placed it behind my hear, his fingers lingering for a beat. “But I do miss you, I feel like I haven’t seen much of you this week. Hell, even this month.”

  I gave his bicep a light squeeze, trailing my fingers up to his chest. “That’s because you haven’t. Senior year is a busy year, and we’re just this year’s victims.”

  “Victims, huh?” He laughed, pulling my body closer toward his, leaving little space between us. “That sounds about right. And we’re only like a month in.”

  “That reminds me, when are we celebrating?”

  “Celebrating what?”