Providence

by Cocca, Lisa Colozza

  John’s truck pulled up to the curb and John jumped out. He came over and shook Pete’s hand, and the two men got to talking. I slipped away and went into the store to gather Baby Girl’s belongings and turn off the lights. I was struggling down the steps when John caught sight of me. “Careful,” he warned, grabbing most of the things from my arms. He turned back to Pete. “Good luck with the register,” he said. John stowed our gear while I settled Baby Girl into her car seat. John climbed in the truck and started the engine. “Are you okay, Becky? You looked like you had seen a ghost when I pulled up.”

  I forced a smile on my face. “I’m fine,” I said.

  John stared at me for a few seconds and then looked away. “People in small towns talk, Becky. It’s their way. I think you’ll be happier living out with Lily than here in town. You won’t always have someone looking over your shoulder wondering what you’re doing, why you’re doing it, and who you’re doing it with.”

  I didn’t want to lie to John by agreeing with him. Living out of town might work for him, but I didn’t believe geography was my problem or my solution. I held on to the door as John made a U-turn on Main Street. I saw Pete admiring the cash register on his counter as we passed by the bike shop. I wished Rosie could see the look on his face.

  I looked at Baby Girl in her car seat. The smooth, steady movement of the truck had already lulled her to sleep. I knew taking a nap so late in the afternoon would cause serious problems with her bedtime, but I was so grateful for a few minutes of peace and quiet, I let her sleep.

  I had found Sarah’s book in the drawer under the counter at the store. I had intended to return it to her on many occasions, but life had gotten in the way of my follow-through. I wrote a note apologizing for my bad behavior and put it inside the book. I asked John if we could stop by her house so I could slip it into her mailbox. When we pulled up in front of her house, I hopped down from the truck and opened her box. As I did, I heard Sarah call my name. She was jogging up the road. I wanted to jump into the truck and ask John to drive away before she could reach me, but I knew Sarah hadn’t done anything to earn her such treatment.

  When she reached me, she bent over panting and put her fingers on my arm as if she thought they could hold me there till she had her say. She stood almost upright, holding her middle with her free arm. “Sorry about that! My mother decided jogging together would be another great stop on our togetherness trail. Yesterday, I went with her. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to discover your mother is faster and in better shape than you? Now I feel like I have to run every day, so I can keep up with her the next time we go together. Anyway, what brings you here? I’ve seen you around town several times, but you always look away when I wave. I know why you would be mad at Mickey, but why are you mad at me? I didn’t do anything to hurt you, did I?”

  “No, you didn’t, and I’m not mad at you. I probably just didn’t see you. I’ve had so much going on these past few months, which is why I haven’t gotten this back to you sooner. I hope you weren’t thinking of me as a book thief. I don’t keep things that don’t belong to me. I just had it longer than I should have.”

  Sarah laughed. “I didn’t think you’d taken off for some deserted island with my book. There was no rush to get it back. I had already read it. I’m sorry things have been so crazy for you, though. I don’t have my cell on me. Do you?”

  I shook my head. I didn’t tell her that I didn’t own one.

  “Do you have a pen and paper? I’ll give you my cell number and you can call me when things get easier.”

  John reached across the front seat to hand me a pen and a slip of paper. I hadn’t realized he had been listening. Sarah wrote down her number and gave it to me. I climbed back into the truck. Before I closed the door, Sarah said, “Talk to you soon!” and jogged up her driveway.

  John seemed to sense my need for peace, because he kept quiet for the rest of the ride. The heater in the truck was blasting and the warmth washed over me. I felt my eyelids getting heavy and shut them for a minute. I sat in the quiet, resting my eyes and thinking about all I heard that day. I knew people were talking about me when I first arrived, but was shaken by the fact they still were. I tried hard to push the worries from my head. I started concentrating on the warm air blowing out at me. The next thing I felt was my head clunking against the window. I forced my eyes open and rubbed the sore spot on my head. It took me a few seconds to realize I had fallen asleep, too. We were already rolling up Lily’s bumpy stone driveway. I twisted around quickly to check on Baby Girl. “She’s fine,” John said. “She slept the whole way home.”

  “I’m sorry for falling asleep,” I said, hoping I hadn’t drooled all over John’s seat.

  “You sure are prone to apologies,” John said, putting the truck into park. I unbuckled my seatbelt, but before I could open my door John reached over and took my hand. “Try not to worry so much, Becky. Everything is going to turn out all right. You need to believe that, and trust Rosie and Lily. They are looking out for you.” He gave my hand a squeeze. “I’m looking out for you, too,” he said. “I know you are dealing with more things than it’s fair to ask of a person. I want to help you and make things easier if I can. I’m sure you know how I feel about you, and I hope someday we can be more than friends …”

  I pulled my hand away.

  “Let me finish,” he said. “I hope someday we can be more than friends, but I can tell you’re not ready for that now. I’m going to give you as much time and space as you need. Just know that I’m willing to wait until you decide you’re ready. In the meantime, I hope you’ll see me as a good friend who you can lean on whenever the need arises.”

  My voice shook when I answered. “John, there’s just so many truths about me you don’t know.”

  “Maybe someday you’ll be ready and able to tell me those. But if that day doesn’t come, I’m okay with it. I know who you are today; the past is the past.”

  He reached over and held my hand again for a moment before getting out of the truck. I was still staring at that hand when John reached my car door and swung it open. I slid down off the seat, avoiding eye contact with him. Truth be told, this was not easy for me because I was aching to stare into those eyes of his and see that every word he had spoken was the truth. But I was afraid if I did, he would see into my soul, too. He’d see all the ugliness my lies had created in there since leaving Daddy’s farm. I didn’t think I could bear John knowing all my secrets yet.

  Mrs. Harper met me in the hallway when we got inside. “Miss Lily is waiting for you in her study,” she said.

  I understood that to mean I shouldn’t let any dust settle on me before getting myself in there. I peeled Baby Girl’s coat off as I walked down the hall. I paused when I heard the voices on the other side of the study door. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop; I was just in need of a shot of courage. I could hear the lawyer’s voice issuing a warning to Lily. “Have you really thought this through? You barely know this girl. From what my men could find out, she had a good reason to leave home. Her father has quite a reputation around town. But how do you know her story about the baby is true? This situation could bring you more trouble than you’re prepared to handle.”

  Rosie’s voice rippled through the door. “Her name is Becky, and she deserves to be shown the respect of being called that. I trust her completely. If she says she found Georgia Rose in a train car, then she found her in a train car.”

  “Lily,” the lawyer said.

  “Rosie is right,” Lily said. “She lied because she was trying to protect herself and Georgia. I believe her story, too, and I want you to do everything possible to help her.”

  I looked up quickly when I heard Mrs. Harper’s shoes clacking along the wooden floor, bypassing the carpet completely. I knocked on the door and started turning the doorknob before I received a welcoming. I slipped inside the room and all the talking stopped. We all stared at each other for a minute or two before Rosie said, “This gentleman has
come bearing good news for us, Becky.”

  Now those were words I wasn’t prepared to hear. I sat on the only empty seat in the room. Lily passed me a brown envelope and signaled for me to open it. Inside was my birth certificate. I shifted my attention to Rosie and then Lily. They both were staring at that piece of paper like it was the winning ticket in the lottery. Lily must have realized I didn’t see the document the same way they did. “Becky,” she began, “that piece of paper means you can get a driving permit. It means you can take your graduation exams and go to college. It means you can move forward with your life.”

  I looked in the envelope again. It was empty. “What about Georgia?” I asked. “Doesn’t she need one of these, too?”

  The lawyer stood up and cleared his throat. “I told you it would be more difficult to straighten things out with the baby. We have to follow the law. My office has had a notice published in the newspaper. If after thirty days no one claims the child, we can go forward in the adoption process. If what you say is true, it is unlikely anyone will come forward.”

  I spent that night right where I’d spent every night since coming to Lily’s house: on the floor next to Baby Girl’s crib. I tried counting the slats on the side of the crib so as to push those words “if what you say is true” out of my head. If he still didn’t believe my story, how hard would he work to make things right? When my eyes finally closed and my mind was partway between awake and asleep, the lawyer’s words left me and were replaced by John’s words. I could still feel the warmth of his hand over mine, and I believed what he said. Everything was going to be all right.

  CHAPTER 34

  My first class in my first year of high school had been a science class. The teacher, Mr. Mayfield, had a huge contraption set up on the table in the front of the class. He dropped a marble into a plastic chute made by cutting a giant straw in half. The marble rolled down the chute and set off a series of actions as it rolled and looped its way around. At the end, the marble fell into a small cup and set off a bell. Mr. Mayfield broke us into teams and handed each team a box of parts. He told us we would use those parts to build a mechanical maze of our own at least four times that year, and that he was certain by the end of the year, every team would have constructed a piece allowing the marble to travel the entire distance of the chute, setting off each action along the way. I thought that class was going to be the most fun I had ever had in school. I was wrong, but then again, so was Mr. Mayfield. My group never did get that bell to ring.

  My birth certificate was a lot like that marble. Possessing it set off all kinds of actions. In no time at all, I had a driving permit and an appointment to take my high school equivalency exams. Practicing driving proved to be a sharp curve in the chute, and threatened to cause the marble to jump off the path. John was to set some time aside every day for taking me out in Lily’s car and teaching me how to drive it. The problem was Baby Girl. I didn’t want to risk her getting hurt with me behind the wheel, but I didn’t want to leave her alone with Lily, either. After a whole lot of pushing and tugging from Lily, Rosie, and John, I agreed to practice while Baby Girl took her afternoon nap.

  I must say I took to driving like a duckling to a pond. It seemed like the most natural thing, and John couldn’t help but mention how impressed he was with my progress, too. I was getting quite a swelled head about it, until I started practicing parallel parking. It was then that John suggested I practice during Baby Girl’s morning nap, too. I needed that time for showering, tidying up myself and our space, and studying for my upcoming tests. I was just going to have to conquer parking during my afternoon driving sessions.

  My driving lessons also gave me a chance to know John was true to his word. It hadn’t taken but a bit of thought to realize he had been right about me needing time and space. I had to focus on Georgia, Rosie, and Lily right now. Having a boyfriend would have given me one more relationship to have to figure out for the first time. I already felt like I was drowning most days. So instead of asking anything of me, John spent this time figuring out what I needed most to hear and providing it. Sometimes it was an encouraging story; sometimes it was a funny one. It felt good to laugh and forgot about my troubles for a moment or two.

  One afternoon after my lesson, I came upstairs to find Baby Girl nestled in Lily’s arms. Lily was humming a tune while she rocked back and forth. “I’m sorry, Lily,” I said. “My lessons shouldn’t mean my responsibilities with Georgia fall on your shoulders. I’ll tell John we need to stop for a few days, until I see what Georgia’s sleeping pattern has become.”

  “Nonsense,” Lily said. “I enjoyed having a little time alone with her. I’ll let you know if it becomes a problem.”

  Her words didn’t soothe my mind, and neither did knowing this scene would likely repeat itself several more times. “I don’t want to take art classes,” I blurted.

  Jumping tracks like that in the middle of a conversation threw Lily off. “I’m more than happy to pay for the classes,” she said, “and Georgia will be fine here with us while you’re at class.”

  My spine stiffened and I said, “Money doesn’t make everything right, you know, and I’m aware that Georgia is safe here. I don’t want to study art. I never wanted to study art. I want to be a writer someday.”

  For a while neither of us spoke. Then Lily said, “Then you should take writing classes. I’ll get you the course catalogues to look through. And Becky, I know money doesn’t solve all of life’s problems.”

  Weeks passed before I saw the lawyer’s car parked in front of Lily’s house again. I had finished a driving session and was hurrying into the house. As I passed the lawyer’s car, I brushed up against it. I could feel the warmth of the engine through the hood and knew the man must have just arrived. I rushed up the stairs two at a time, and when I reached Baby Girl’s bedroom the door was wide open. Lily was sitting in the rocking chair holding Baby Girl and chatting away to her. Mrs. Harper was standing over her like a guard at Buckingham Palace. Lily smiled at me. “Slow down, Becky, everything’s fine. Georgia and I have been having a delightful visit.” To prove her point, she kissed Baby Girl’s forehead.

  I swallowed hard and said, “I saw your lawyer’s car outside.”

  “Oh dear,” Lily said. “I forgot all about him. I’m sure Rosie has asked him a thousand questions by now.” She stood up and passed Baby Girl back to me. “Georgia has a clean diaper and a full tummy.” She pointed to the empty bottle on the table.

  Seeing Lily holding and playing with Baby Girl always made me feel a little dizzy, but hearing how she had tended to her needs really made my head swim. I never seemed to give Lily the credit she rightly deserved. “Thank you for looking out for Georgia,” I said. “I appreciate your help.”

  “I hope someday you won’t see our situation in that way. I enjoy spending time with Georgia. I don’t feel like you are burdening me. I see us more as a team working together to make sure each of us has what we need,” Lily said. She gave me a quick hug. “We help each other.”

  I should have found Lily’s words about us being a team reassuring, but I couldn’t help picturing that marble careening off the chute, hitting Mr. Mayfield’s tooth and cracking it in half.

  CHAPTER 35

  I sat by the window with Baby Girl on my lap. Everything outside was shades of gray and brown, but Baby Girl didn’t seem to take notice. She was too busy playing peek-a-boo with a bird that kept flying back and forth to a branch by the window. This game went on for some time before I started wondering why I hadn’t been called to Lily’s office.

  I lifted Baby Girl onto my hip. “You are getting big,” I said to her, kissing her on her nose. I headed downstairs and toward the office. I knocked on the door and let myself in. The first thing that caught my eye was the envelope sitting on the desk. It looked like the one that held my birth certificate. A smile spread across my face. Then I took notice of the looks on Rosie’s and Lily’s faces.

  “Explain everything again so Becky can
hear it with her own ears,” Rosie demanded.

  Rosie’s tone was not wasted on Lily’s lawyer. He cleared his throat and said, “There was no response to the notice we put in the newspaper.”

  That sounded like a good thing. Why were Rosie and Lily so on edge?

  “It’s possible the parents did not see the notice. It’s also possible they are afraid to come forward. There is no guarantee they won’t come looking for her sometime down the road. We’ve met the legal requirements, but I suggested perhaps the best thing to do would be to turn the baby over to Child Protective Services,” he began. I held Baby Girl tighter. “Rosie and Lily both feel that is an unacceptable option. They both believe the baby should stay with the three of you. I do have some acquaintances who can arrange for a private adoption.”

  I exhaled and closed my eyes. I was going to be able to adopt Baby Girl. I wanted to hug that man. Then he spoke again. “My colleagues are experts in private adoptions and particularly in keeping matters private. They can take care of this matter; however, there is a problem.” He glanced at Lily. “You can’t be the adoptive mother, Becky.”

  I stared at him. What did he mean? He said they were experts. He said they could take care of everything, and now he was saying they couldn’t.