Amber Frost

by Suzi Davis

  “Nothing. It’s fine. I just need to go home for a bit. Yes, I’ll go home.” He sounded like he was talking to himself. He looked down at his desk, frowning.

  “You’re going home? Now?”

  “I’ve got to go. I’m so sorry, Gracelynn.” And he did look sorry, even sorrowful, as he quickly packed up his things and stood to leave.

  “Will I see you tomorrow?” I asked, suddenly feeling afraid and desperate. He hesitated before answering, my heart pounding miserably as the seconds dragged out.

  “Yes,” he finally answered with a trace of reluctance. He swung his bag over his shoulder and walked quickly to the door without a backward glance. I was left feeling overwhelmed and confused… I almost expected it now.

  I spent the rest of the day by myself, speaking to no one but Clarke who I reluctantly ended up eating lunch with. Though Clarke actually made an effort to include me in the conversation and tried to encourage the others at our table to make me feel welcome, I was obviously on the outside now. When I had been Clarke’s girlfriend, the others had reluctantly accepted me. Now that I was just Clarke’s friend and especially since the others had either noticed or heard about my lack of becoming behavior lately and my unorthodox choice of companionship, they no longer even pretended to like me. I wasn’t upset about it; it was a refreshing change not to have to smile and pretend with girls that I knew despised me. I’d only sat with them today as Clarke had insisted and I was still too stunned by Sebastian’s bizarre behavior to come up with a fast enough excuse not to. Tomorrow at lunch, I would either sit with Sebastian or on my own.

  I was worried about how Sebastian would behave the next time I saw him. It was so difficult to follow his thoughts and twisted reasoning sometimes. He could be quite erratic and unpredictable; it was both irritating and intriguing. The next morning though, when I arrived at school, he was waiting for me again by the base of the statue. He smiled warmly at me, waving as I approached. And since he acted as if nothing had happened the day before, I followed his lead. I didn’t even have to pretend nothing was wrong; I simply understood that whatever had happened yesterday was in the past and nothing was wrong today. The closest he came to mentioning his previous strange reaction to my words was several days later. We were working together in the library, sitting across the table from each other as Clarke and I had once done.

  “Is it hard to be friends with someone who’s so strange?” he suddenly asked me, his tone quite serious. I looked up from my work to find his eyes, a mysterious black-blue today, staring straight into mine. He was leaning forward across the small table, closing some of the distance between us. His expression was both apologetic and apprehensive, and somehow I knew this was the closest he’d ever come to apologizing or explaining his bizarre behavior. The intensity of his gaze and the handsomeness of his face overwhelmed me for a moment.

  “Not hard; confusing maybe but also interesting… there’s never a dull moment,” I teased as I managed to unscramble my thoughts. “Besides, the benefits outweigh the risks.”

  “Risks?” He was eyeing me strangely.

  “You know, my mother’s ire, the loss of my perfect boyfriend and loving friends,” I joked. Sebastian’s reaction was unexpected though; for a moment he looked relieved and then instantly his expression changed to one of chagrin.

  “You have changed since we met. You’re giving up many things because of me.”

  “Because I wanted to,” I pointed out, my voice firm. “Sebastian, I was miserable before I met you. You’ve changed my life in the best way possible; you’ve shown me how to be happy.” He studied my expression then nodded slowly, his eyes brightening.

  “You would have figured it out on your own… eventually,” he conceded, a slow smile spreading across his face as his mood lightened once more. “Don’t think I’m not selfish. There are also considerable benefits for me, in being your friend,” he reminded me.

  “Are you still remembering then?” I asked, lowering my voice even further.

  “Yes. The more time I spend with you, the more I remember of my past, of myself.”

  “Why do you think that is?”

  “I’m not sure,” he admitted. He picked up his pencil and started doodling on his paper as he contemplated, his expression speculative. “I told you before that I was a nobody; I didn’t have any friends, didn’t want any. I wanted to avoid others – it seemed vitally important though I still can’t remember exactly why and since I’ve met you, my resolve to remain friendless has significantly weakened. I’ve been by myself for a long time Gracelynn, so long that I think that’s how I forgot myself, forgot who I was. Your friendship… it’s awakening something in me that was buried, an integral part of who I am.”

  His words made little sense to me. I frowned in confusion. One part of what he had said was jumping out at me.

  “How long?”

  He looked up sharply, his expression suddenly guarded. “What?”

  “How long have you been alone?” I held my breath waiting for his answer, the silence of the library loud in my ears. I could tell he was debating something.

  “A long time – I don’t remember exactly how long,” he finally answered, his tone cautious. He turned his attention back to his doodling. I sensed that he would say no more.

  “Will you tell me any of what you remember?”

  He hesitated again, the movements of his rapidly sketching pencil slowing.

  “I think I was born somewhere in Ireland; I may have some Celtic ancestry. I remember traveling to many different places, I’ve had many different homes. I’m not quite sure how I came to North America. I think I lived up North for a few years. I can remember the bitter cold, the barren landscape, the long hours of darkness. I think that’s where I was before I came here,” he told me. He didn’t meet my eyes as he spoke, slowly and carefully working on the drawing that scrawled across the top of his page.

  “What about your family? Do you remember your parents? Do you remember… why things keep happening around you? How you do it? When it began?” I asked curiously. It was the most he’d spoken on the subject and now that he was talking I was desperate to keep him going. I knew he kept secrets from me, perhaps for my own good. But I longed to break down the barriers between us, for him to trust me enough to confide in me, to allow me to share his secrets, his burdens. I wanted it so badly but I tried my best not to push.

  “There’s still so much I can’t remember and other things that I have remembered that don’t make sense. Just flickers of memories, images I can hardly interpret myself even though I know they come from my own mind,” he whispered to me, frustration clear in his voice.

  “Tell me,” I softly urged. “Maybe I can help.”

  His smooth brow creased into a frown, his eyes tightened. I could see that he wanted to tell me but there was something that was holding him back. The pencil trembled in his hand.

  “Sebastian, you can trust me,” I whispered. My fingers crept across the table, my hand sliding over his. To my surprise he quickly leaned forward and lifted my hand, firmly pressing his lips against the back of it in a gentle kiss. His lips felt soft as they quickly brushed against my skin, his breath warm and raising the fine hairs on end. The gesture caught me off-guard; Sebastian himself appeared surprised by his own actions. Just as quickly, he released me.

  “I’m sorry; I can’t,” he murmured apologetically. He tipped back in his chair and leaned away from me once more.

  I opened my mouth to say more but I was distracted by a sudden loud, crashing sound. Sebastian and I both jumped up just in time to see one of the heavy bookshelves near the back of the library toppling over, books and papers splaying out across the library floor. It didn’t end there though; the shelf tumbled into the one beside it, setting off a domino-like reaction as all five tall bookshelves were tipped over one-by-one, crashing to the ground, coming closer and closer to us. I hadn’t even noticed when, but at some point Sebastian had moved around our table to stand prote
ctively in front of me.

  As soon as the last bookshelf came crashing down (nearly at our feet) and we were safe, Sebastian was moving forward and away from me, quickly checking that no one had been caught in the avalanche of books. In the heavy silence that followed, chaos erupted. There were books everywhere. One girl started crying, people scrambled to get out of the library, their eyes wide with panic and excitement.

  Miraculously, nobody had been caught between the falling shelves, and even more astonishing was the fact that nothing had been damaged – not the books, the shelves or the library floor. This had Sebastian written all over it. I didn’t have a chance to ask him though as he immediately volunteered to help put the library back in order. He was in such a rush to help that he even forgot his work that was still spread across the table with mine. I decided to pack his things up for him. My hand froze as I reached for the paper that he had been doodling across the top of while we spoke. Drawn with straight, precise lines, in neat tones and shades of gray, was a snaking line of toppling dominoes. I felt my blood run cold. Sebastian had told me he had no control over the random events that happened around him; had he lied?

  Chapter Seven - Caught in the Rain

  Sebastian spent the rest of the day in the library helping to clean up the mess caused by the fallen shelves. He was excused from all of his afternoon classes so that he might help poor Ms. Shafer, our aging librarian, restore order to her beloved literary haven. I didn’t get a chance to speak to him about the incident before the end of the day, and so I was left to debate over it all night long. My head felt like it was spinning; it was full of questions, pondering all the possible implications of what had happened. I was all prepared to confront Sebastian and demand answers from him the following day but every time I thought to bring the subject up, something would happen that would distract me or interrupt our conversation. It soon became obvious that Sebastian really didn’t want to talk about it. I knew it was hopeless to try to make something happen that Sebastian didn’t want. I wasn’t going to give up though, just postpone my attempts for now. After all, I planned on being friends with Sebastian for a long time – at some point, he would have to change his mind. I knew that eventually he’d be ready to trust me – wouldn’t he?

  Over the next few weeks I spent more and more time with Sebastian, pulling further away from Clarke and completely abandoning my popular ‘friends’. Sebastian was opening my eyes to the world. I was seeing not only a completely new side to my school and my city but also to myself. He took me to new places, forced me to try new things. He made me question everything I knew and showed me that the world did not necessarily work in the way that I had been taught it should. He taught me to take pleasure in the simple things, to enjoy every moment of life, to treasure what was truly important and to throw everything else to the wind.

  Sebastian was fascinating. It wasn’t just the strange things that happened around him – the extraordinary coincidences, the way life so easily met his needs (or rather his wants). It was him that I was so compelled by – the way he spoke, the sound of his voice, the sparkle in his eyes, the dimple in his cheek, his undeniably toned physique, his black and twisting tattoo that had once seemed so strange to me but now appeared as beautiful as the rest of him. Perhaps what I found most irresistible though was his mind. He was intelligent and witty, he made me laugh and he made me think. And he was gentle, and warm, and kind. I couldn’t say exactly when it happened, it felt like it had been that way since the moment I met him, but I soon realized that for the first time in my young life, I was beginning to honestly fall in love. Devastatingly, I knew it wasn’t mutual.

  Sometimes there seemed to be a glimmer of something in Sebastian’s eyes, a hint of passion to his words, a flicker of desire in his careful, affectionate touch, but it always disappeared before I could really be certain of what I’d seen. He set firm boundaries between us, pulling away from me if I even so much as hinted at how I felt about him. He was constantly stepping back and making jokes when he felt like things between us were growing too intense. I knew he cared about me, he told me constantly how much my friendship meant to him and I knew that for some reason, he was deathly afraid of losing what there was between us. I also knew that if he really wanted us to be together, we would be. It made my heart ache when I thought of this, but I forced myself to keep it in mind.

  “Do you have any objections to missing lunch?” Sebastian asked me one day shortly before winter break. The lunch bell had just rung and we were packing up our things in the art room.

  “Not at all. Why?”

  “It’s sunny outside. I feel like I haven’t seen the sun in weeks. I thought we might go for a walk,” Sebastian suggested, smiling at me enticingly. I smiled back, honestly delighted with the idea. It did feel like the day was too beautiful to waste by sitting inside.

  “A walk sounds great,” I agreed. “Where should we go?”

  “Let’s see where our feet take us,” he answered, grabbing my hand and pulling me along.

  No one turned to stare at us as Sebastian dragged me through the hallway. People were used to seeing us together now, they even expected it. In fact, the people who did meet my eye smiled, some even waved in greeting. I was starting to make some friends at Craigflower now that I was no longer a part of the elite crowd or perhaps it was because now it appeared that I was more like them and more approachable. I had even been sleeping better since Sebastian and I had met; my strange nightmares and dreams of death were a thing of the past – as were his. We really were good for each other in so many ways.

  Sebastian held the door at the end of the hallway open for me in a true gentlemanly fashion. I smiled, murmuring my thanks as I walked passed him and out into the warm sun. He was always so courteous, always so respectful of me. He was so very different from the boys I was used to. He was nice to me for no other reason than because he wanted to be, because he liked me and wanted me to be happy. And I was happy, happier than I’d ever been in my life but I wanted more from life, or specifically, more from Sebastian.

  I frowned at myself, pushing the thoughts firmly away as we began walking away from the school and down the long, winding driveway. If I kept thinking like that, I was going to end up ruining my friendship with Sebastian and that was definitely not what I wanted. It was a beautiful sunny day, I was outside, enjoying the fresh air with my best friend at my side. I shouldn’t have a worry or care in the world. I forced the smile back onto my face.

  “What are you thinking?” Sebastian suddenly asked, his voice and expression curious.

  “Nothing,” I answered quickly, hoping it didn’t sound as much like a denial to him as it did to me.

  “Please, Gracelynn, I know you too well to believe that. Your expression was changing so quickly just now – happy, sad, determined,” he listed. Sometimes I hated how observant he was.

  “Forget about it; I’m not going to tell you. They weren’t the kind of thoughts I’m willing to share,” I told him firmly. “Some things are private.”

  “Don’t you trust me?” His lower lip pulled down into a pretend pout. I knew he was only teasing but his words sparked something in me. I sensed an opportunity and jumped at it.

  “Is that how you define trust then? By someone’s willingness to share all their thoughts, all their secrets with you? Do you not trust me at all, Sebastian?” I tried to keep my tone light but there was an edge to my words.

  “You know I was only joking.” He was still smiling but it looked more forced now. “And I do trust you,” he argued.

  “But not enough.”

  He didn’t answer me right away, his smile fading.

  “Some things are better left unsaid,” he told me, his voice soft and sad. I sighed. What was I thinking? I knew he wasn’t going to give me any answers, not yet. I was just picking a fight.

  “Sorry,” I apologized, and I meant it. I hated to upset him, hated to see him sad. I was irritated with myself; hadn’t I just decided that I wasn’t goi
ng to do this? “Please, just forget I said anything. So where are we going?” I asked, trying to change the subject as we were now nearly at the end of the school’s driveway. It really was nice to be outside in the fresh, chill air. The sun felt so good against my skin too, warming my cheeks and shoulders as it shone weakly down. I frowned at the horizon, noticing some darker clouds gathering there. “Maybe we shouldn’t go too far. It looks like there could be a storm coming.”

  Sebastian looked up at the gathering clouds and frowned. He still seemed a little sad, a little quieter than usual. The corners of his beautiful lips were pulled down.

  “I’m not ready to turn back,” he muttered to the clouds.

  “You know talking to yourself is the first sign of impending insanity.” He half-smiled at that as he turned his attention back to me.

  “I thought you liked weird now,” he reminded me, a smile tugging the corners of his lips back up.

  “Oh, I love weird.” He winced slightly at my words. “It’s the rest of the world you need to worry about. The visiting hours at the asylum would certainly put a damper on our friendship,” I continued, hoping to distract him. It worked.

  “Come on,” he laughed, grabbing my hand again as we passed the school’s gated entrance and pulling me down the road away from it. We walked along the sidewalk beneath the evenly spaced-out, bare trees that lined both sides of the street. I glanced at the houses we passed. Though they were all nice homes, none were as fantastic or overwhelming as the houses along Beach Drive. I preferred these smaller, more historic-looking homes. They were all artfully restored and updated with a few modern renovations – satellite dishes on the roofs and shiny BMW’s in the driveways.

  “So you’d really come to the asylum to visit me?” Sebastian suddenly asked.

  “Of course.” I noticed the sunlight was beginning to fade, those clouds were moving in faster than I had thought. I could sense that Sebastian wanted to keep going and I wasn’t about to let him go anywhere without me. “It would all be a ruse. Really I’d be planning your rescue the whole while.”