Silver Player: The Silver Foxes of Blue Ridge

by L. B. Dunbar

  “Tell me how you feel?”

  “I…” I can’t think. His fingers and then the length of him, warm and thick against my backside, mean I can’t string together any words. Billy stills. A strange shift occurs that I can’t read as he holds out for an answer I haven’t given him yet.

  Then he bites my shoulder—hard. “Forget it,” he mutters into my skin as his fingers return to their thrusting.

  “You wanted it to be you against a wall?” His voice turns bitter.

  My mind races to what I saw years ago. Him. Her. A brick wall. “Yes.”

  “You want me to fuck you like I fuck the rest.”

  What?

  Why is he saying this? Why is he comparing me? What is he doing to me? My heart clenches, but my body gives in to him. Does he not see it’s so much more than sex against a wall I want from him? I want to be the woman who makes him lose his mind but gain his heart. This isn’t some joke to me.

  “I always knew I’d get you to beg, Roxie.” He bitterly chuckles, but I don’t find the humor. I smack at the wall, my cheek pressed against it.

  “Screw you, William,” I mumble without any bark or bite, just defeat. Screw him for making me feel like this, wanton and begging for more. Screw him for telling me we’d keep it easygoing and then making it complicated with pretty words. Screw him for making me feel like I could fall in love with him and making me fall apart over him.

  “Screw me? Is that what you want? Is that what you want to call it?”

  He slams into me, hitching me upward a bit, and I’m thankful for the heeled boots, helping me balance. A bit rough at this angle, Billy holds my hips, thrusting inward as I arch back, drawing him deeper in a different manner.

  I should stop him. I feel us unraveling, but I allow us to continue in this position in hopes it will keep us together.

  My palms slip down the wall, struggling for anything to hold me in place as Billy hammers into me, deeper, faster, harder.

  “Hold on,” he growls. I’m out of control. I squeeze, and I clench. I grip him. I want to get there, but I just can’t. I feel myself slipping from him because I want him to want me more than anyone else.

  I don’t want to be just some woman against a wall.

  “Shit,” he grunts before he stills, and I feel the telltale signs of him inside me, pulsing, jerking, releasing. I sigh against the wall, frustrated with how close I am, but also how disconnected I suddenly feel from him. This isn’t how I thought it would be.

  He quickly withdraws from me and then to my utter surprise, he slaps me on the ass. I spin to face him, horrified with the smack and what it’s doing to my libido while my head is discombobulated and my heart squeezes like a vise grip.

  “Thanks. That was fun.”

  My mouth falls open as I stare at him. His eyes.

  I can’t read him.

  I can’t read myself.

  How much I want him. How afraid I am of losing him. How afraid I am he just lumped me with all the rest. Afraid we’ll walk out his door, and it will still be something casual. But I can’t it. Not like this.

  Deep inside, he’s a good man—caring and loyal. He’s a good father, and that’s attractive. He’s an excellent lover, and that’s just dangerous.

  My emotions are running faster than my heart.

  I want him to accept me. I want him to tell me I’m enough—not because of Sadie—but because we feel something for each other.

  “Why do I feel like you’re pulling away from me?” I whisper, my voice hoarse as I fight the shock of what he did, what he said.

  Thanks, that was fun.

  My body stills. My back stiffens. The cursed wall is the only thing holding me up from collapsing under the weight of my emotions this morning. What started out as a seduction has left me feeling slimy and incomplete.

  “Aren’t you doing the same thing?” he questions, crossing his arms. He’s already hiked up his pants, and I’m still standing before him, more exposed than naked.

  “I’m not.” I swallow a sudden lump in my throat. Is this over? I don’t want us to end. I want us to move forward. Last night, he was so sweet and honest, but today…today, I just feel this overwhelming sense of uncertainty.

  Thanks. That was fun.

  That ass slap. That cavalier comment. It’s too casual for me.

  God, I can hate him sometimes while still thinking he’s amazing. I’m too raw to think straight, and I don’t even know where the next words out of my mouth come from. Poke the bear.

  “Not a brick wall,” I snark, slapping my hand at the plaster. “But a wall nonetheless.”

  His mouth gapes. Those brown eyes widening before shuttering, and then he straightens. “Well, I try my best to satisfy.”

  Oh no, he didn’t.

  He did not carelessly dismiss what happened. Yet haven’t I done the same thing?

  Why did I do this?

  Why did he?

  Thanks. That was fun.

  “Say you didn’t mean it? Say it was more than wall sex?” I whisper, my heart hammering in my chest, trying to recover us. Not the us that prods and pokes but the us whose bodies connect so easily.

  But he says nothing.

  He’s already given me all his pretty words last night.

  I made love to you.

  I was a first in his bed.

  Perhaps the reality of those things hit him this morning, or maybe he never meant them. It’s like the light of day brought new awareness. We aren’t poking at one another like we do. This is different than that.

  “We should go get Sadie,” he says, stepping back from me, and I realize as he walks away that I fell for all of it. His sweet words. His tender touches. I fell for him.

  And I’ve been played by the player.

  33

  Family shouldn’t be the enemy

  [Billy]

  She was going to say goodbye. I felt it when she didn’t answer my question. When she couldn’t tell me how she felt after I’d tried to be so honest with her last night. She was pulling away, and I promised myself I’d never be left again.

  Or maybe she really did want it like all the rest. Ride the Billy Harrington express. One stop only.

  Damn wall sex.

  But it wasn’t that simple. Nothing was that simple.

  We drove in silence to Mountain Spring Lane, the famous lane with only three antebellum homes. Roxanne wanted to go home first, but I told her this was easier. I could pick up Sadie, drop them both off, and then walk away without a scratch. Only that continual clawing sensation, the roots of a tree growing inside me, is now gouging out my heart.

  Why was I such an ass?

  When we arrive at my parents’ house, Roxie keeps her arms wrapped around herself, tugging her jacket tight over her dress. It’s obvious she’s still wearing the same clothes as last night, and this might be the worst walk of shame anyone ever had.

  After the night we had, and the way I opened up to her, she could have clung to me instead of making me feel like the whole night was just her wanting something she’d never had.

  Wall sex, I huff to myself.

  What’s the big fucking deal? It wasn’t me she thought she saw, but she wanted it like she wants a piece of me. Not my heart but a part of me others have taken.

  And I find myself falling in love with her when she doesn’t feel the same way.

  We enter the house to a gaggle of female laughter. Sadie is surrounded by the women of my family. My mother; Mati; my nephew’s wife, Maggie; and my other nephew’s new fiancée, Hollister. Lucy and Sadie join the mix. We just need Giant’s daughters, and the circle of women would be complete. I turn to Roxanne, finding her staring at the family tradition. Eyes suddenly hollow as she takes in the mess of ingredients and the cheerful faces.

  “It’s our annual Christmas cookie-making day,” Lucy announces.

  Shit. I recognize the look of someone on the outside looking in. I know that look because it’s been me so many times, watching my dad praise G
iant or dote on Mati. His pride in Charlie as the mayor and even his sadness at the loss of James.

  I reach for her, but she shifts away from me.

  “So how was your night?” my mother asks, her eyes moving from mine to Roxanne’s and back. Her perfectly arched eyebrow arches in question with a hint of concern.

  “We had fun,” I say, knocking my elbow on Roxanne’s arm, and she smiles a pinched grin.

  Thanks. That was fun.

  I’m such an ass.

  “Sadie, we should go. I need to work today.” It’s the first Roxie’s mentioned the bookstore, but I can read an excuse when I hear one. She wants to get out of here.

  “Can I stay?” Sadie turns her head from her aunt to my mother, who smiles back at her, and my heart warms at how willingly my mother has pulled Sadie into the family. This is what I want. Sadie accepted. I turn back to Roxanne.

  Why can’t Roxie accept me?

  “I can give her a ride home later,” I suggest, but Roxanne ignores me.

  “I’ll bring her to the bookstore when we finish,” Mati offers, and I look up to find my sister’s eyes narrowing on me with the classic What did you do now, Billy? glare.

  Yep, it’s always me. My fault.

  “I don’t want to impose,” Roxanne says to Mati, drawing my sister’s attention back to her, and Mati smiles, the pinched grin matching Roxie’s.

  “It’s no imposition.”

  We stand another moment in awkward silence, the tension vibrating off us when Jordan walks into the kitchen.

  “Hey man, I didn’t know you were joining us today.” He pats me on the back as he passes me for the fridge. Retrieving a few beers, he steps up to his wife, kisses her cheek, and says something in her ear.

  Why can’t I have that? Why can’t I find a woman who looks at me like I’ve hung the moon?

  Because you walk away, my heart whispers.

  Because you’re afraid to put it all out there again, my brain says.

  Both are correct, and I glance back at Roxanne. Her eyes shift to the floor. “I really need to go.” She swallows before closing her eyes, and my heart pinches.

  This is bad. Really bad.

  “Remember you have those court interviews this week,” Jordan states as he walks toward me again, and everything in the room stops. My mother’s hands freeze. Mati’s head shoots up. Sadie stills without looking at me.

  And Roxanne speaks. “Excuse me?”

  My eyes close. It’s just gone from bad to worse.

  “I forgot,” I say, opening my eyes and then turning to Roxanne. “I forgot.” I reach for her, but her movement away from me is more pronounced, obvious to the entire room.

  “Forgot?” she groans.

  I feel Jordan watching me, and I want to punch him. He’s pressed for this legal stuff when I’ve told him Roxie and I would work it out. As a man of the law, he didn’t like that answer, and he set up a series of interviews with child services to discuss Sadie’s options.

  “It isn’t what you think,” I say, without knowing what she thinks.

  “You said we’d work it out,” she whispers, her eyes shifting to my family. My mother is trying to round everyone out of the room, but the damage is already done.

  “We can work it out. I mean that. This is just a formality. It’s a way to discuss the best interest of Sadie.”

  Roxanne glares at me. “Last night, you told me we couldn’t talk about Sadie.”

  Jordan slips from the kitchen, disappearing down the hallway at my back.

  “Last night, I said a lot of things.”

  Roxanne glares at me, the familiar daggers of years of poking at one another. Only these are the flames of someone ready to torch me in my mother’s kitchen. Her anger runs steel-fire hot.

  “Like making love to me, and I was the first in your bed,” she mutters.

  “Well, I saved the best for last, Roxanne.” Her full name is bitter on my tongue. “That’s what you wanted, right? A piece of Billy Harrington like all the rest. I think I’ve proven a wall, and you work well together.”

  I don’t see her hand before it connects with my face, the smack of skin resounding throughout the room.

  “What’s going on here?” The rough voice of my father behind me makes my blood run cold. Roxanne looks over my shoulder and then lowers her eyes, which are filled with tears.

  “I didn’t mean…” I step forward, hands reaching for her. Oh God, I’ve made a mess of this.

  “I think you’ve said enough,” Roxanne says under her breath. “You’ve proven yourself, William. I trusted you to do the right thing by me and worse than anything is this betrayal with Sadie. You promised me. You promised.” Her head shakes, and although I can’t see her face, the tears fall to her jacket, dots of liquid spilling like rain. “The only piece of you I wanted was your heart.”

  “William.” My father steps forward.

  “Dad, please stay out of this,” I snap, but Roxanne speaks over me.

  “If I could trouble you, Mr. Harrington. I need a ride home.” My father slips an arm around Roxanne and leads her down the hall to the front door while I’m left standing in the kitchen with my heart at my feet, knowing I’ve just made the worst blunder of my life.

  She’s walking away from me, and it’s only because I pushed her to go.

  + + +

  “You dumbass. Isn’t there some attorney-client confidentiality rule you just broke?” I lay into my nephew as I stalk into the trophy room where Jordan and Jaxson, my nephews, and my brother Charlie watch the Georgia State football game.

  “What happened?” Charlie asks, and I feel myself being dissected by the eyes in the room.

  “I just assumed she knew. You spend all your time with her,” Jordan says, defending himself.

  “Never make assumptions when it comes to women,” I state.

  “So, what happened?” Charlie asks again.

  “Jordan announced to the kitchen the interviews with child services.” I scratch against my neck and then rest my hand on my chin. “I hadn’t told Roxie yet.”

  You said we’d work it out.

  I did say that, and like I told her, this was all a formality.

  “On purpose?” Charlie questions, his eyes narrowing at me from his seat on the old couch.

  “I honestly forgot. We went out last night, and I didn’t want to discuss Sadie. I just…” What did I want? To enjoy her. To be just us. To make love to her. My eyes close a second.

  “Does she have a lawyer?” Charlie inquires.

  “Someone in Atlanta was pursing guardianship and custody after Theresa passed away, but I don’t know if she retained that person.” Because you told her you’d work it out.

  “And she stopped that process, correct?” Charlie continues. “Obviously, she knows you had the paternity test and filed to update Sadie’s birth certificate, but haven’t you told her about proceeding for full guardianship?”

  My eyes narrow at my brother. “I hadn’t exactly decided.”

  “What do you mean, you hadn’t decided? You’re her father,” Charlie admonishes.

  “Yeah, but Roxie. They’re so close. Sadie and I are getting closer, but she’s still closest with her aunt.” I didn’t want to hurt Sadie. I didn’t want to hurt Roxie. I didn’t mean to hurt her, but I know that I have.

  “Custody battles can be tricky sometimes, and you two have a unique situation,” Jordan adds.

  “We aren’t in a battle,” I scoff.

  “Are you sure?” Jordan asks, reminding me of the altercation in the kitchen.

  This is my fault.

  “Roxie and I are a united front for Sadie.”

  “But what are you with each other?” Charlie asks, and I fall into a vacant chair, my hands covering my face.

  The only piece of you I wanted was your heart.

  “I don’t know,” I whisper, my eyes lowering to the floor. I fucked this up.

  “What about living arrangements? Have you even asked Sadie if she
wants to live with you?” Jordan asks.

  “Why don’t you just have Roxie and Sadie live with you? Problem solved.” This comes from my nephew Jaxson who’s been living with his baby momma and finally proposed to her at Thanksgiving after they had the baby. It was all backward.

  I straighten with the thought.

  Everything with Roxanne has been unconventional. Sadie is her sister’s daughter with me. It can’t get more backward than that, yet I want Roxie in my life. I want all of her.

  Then why the hell did you push her away? my heart screams.

  I don’t know. I just don’t. I panicked.

  Could I live with Roxie? I hinted at it last night, and she mentioned she’d never live with another man without a promise. Could I marry Roxie? The idea seems absurd, but I can’t say I haven’t considered it.

  You promised. Her voice rings in my head.

  She’ll never believe me. She’ll never trust me again.

  “Yeah, I guess I should ask Sadie what she thinks,” I say to no one in particular, but Charlie is watching me.

  “And what about Roxanne? What does she think?”

  The only piece of you I wanted was your heart.

  I told her my history with Rachel and gave her my justification for my actions after the divorce. I opened up to her, and instead of running, she came closer, accepting my need to prove myself. Only, it didn’t feel like I was proving anything to her. She told me what she thought of me as a father, a business owner, a donor, a man.

  Any woman would be honored to be with you.

  She even sympathized about Rachel, saying it wasn’t right to break my heart.

  And then this morning, I broke hers while she broke mine.

  I hate myself.

  “Roxie wants Sadie to stay with her. She’s the only family Roxie has left.” The words taste like acid as Roxie told me her most vulnerable concerns, and now she thinks I’ve betrayed her. She thinks I want to separate them, but it’s the furthest thing from my thoughts. I want Roxie to feel like my family can be her family. I can be her family.