Like Ashes We Scatter

by Bradon Nave

  “This is not only about you! For days I watched my son drink himself into a semi-comatose state only to drag him out of bed the next morning and pretend to be happy so that I might see him smile once or twice throughout the day. Now you…you come in like some flower-scented plague to paint a permanent smile on his face. Do you know what it’s going to do to my sweet boy when he learns the truth? This is not about you!”

  Turning from Constance, Alex placed her face in her hands and began wailing. “You’re so right! I’m horrible. I’m an awful person and I’ve messed everything up. I can’t…I can’t stand the thought of hurting him!” Almost involuntarily she was crashing to the floor as she began hyperventilating.

  She expected to be yelled at, perhaps demanded to exit the house. Instead, Alex felt a soft touch on her shoulder. She peered upward to see Constance kneeling to her.

  “Please…stand, Alex.”

  Offering her hands to assist Alex from the floor, Constance remained by her side even after Alex was standing.

  “I don’t know what on earth would inspire such bizarre and destructive actions from an educated and sweet-natured young woman. I am sure, however that you meant no mal-intent. I’m certain only the truest of love could bring my Bishop’s smile back. And I’m certain you love your brother.”

  “So…you don’t hate me?”

  Constance’s features were softer, as was her tone. “No, I do not. I pity you. If the path you have paved leads you to happiness then it will surely surprise me. I’m sure you’re correct in the assumption that your actions are unforgiveable in the eyes of my son, regardless of how much he may supposedly love you. You all have been in each other’s company for how many weeks now? And it’s true love you say?”

  Her head down, Alex softly sobbed. “I’m so sorry. I’ve ruined my entire life.”

  “No, you haven’t. Something I realized while tossing the charred remnants of my precious son, Nathan, out into the ocean…we’re all as fragile as ash. We may be contained quaintly and securely, but then something is opened, the wind carries with it something strange or troublesome about it…and like ashes we scatter. We’re all one incident away from being scattered and forever altered. This however, is not your incident. The wind carries only your indiscretion and poor judgment. You will recover from this…even if you and Bishop do not.”

  “And…and if we do, could you forgive me?”

  For the first time during the conversation, Constance offered a small smile. “I already have my dear.”

  Sloppy-faced and completely disheartened, Alex only nodded and collected her things. “My ride is almost here.”

  She briskly left the kitchen, only to be met with a gut-wrenching sight. Bishop was seated at the end of the staircase. His face was wet, his eyes bloodshot—he appeared crushed.

  “Oh my god, Bishop—”

  “Leave, Alex. Please…just go.” His words were only loud enough to hear yet they pierced her.

  “I meant what I said…I love you—”

  “The door, Alex, please…just go.”

  Nearly incapable of inhaling, she looked at him knowing he was gone from her life forever, knowing the pain associated with that would be crippling, she turned for the door and walked away.

  Chapter

  Twenty-Six

  Pam had left the room what seemed an eternity ago. Bishop and Constance sat in a spacious meeting room waiting for Pam to return with the man that had received one of Nathan’s gifts of life…a kidney.

  The two sat silent for what seemed an hour before Pam appeared through the door. Her hesitant smile assured Bishop that something was off.

  “Sometimes these things happen. It appears as though there will not be a meeting today.” Pam sat next to Bishop.

  “I don’t understand. Is he ill?” Constance was clearly concerned as she looked about the room’s windows for a glimpse of the man.

  “No…no that’s not it. Sometimes our recipients will initially believe they’re capable of meeting a donor family, but then when the actual time comes they’re just incapable of going through with it. They often express a strong sense of guilt.”

  “Well that’s it then.” Bishop stood and grabbed his coat.

  “Bishop.” Constance stood too as she objected to her son’s actions.

  “What, Mom? If he doesn’t want to meet us then what else is left to do? I’m hungry.” Bishop plopped back to his chair.

  “We’ll go to lunch, but there is no reason to rush out of here while Pam is in the middle of explaining.”

  “Please…I understand these things can be difficult to digest. You two go to lunch. If either of you have questions after you’ve had time to let your thoughts and food settle, please call me.”

  At lunch Bishop remained focused on his plate and barely cracked a glance at his mother—answering her questions with grunts and simple yes and no’s.

  “Your father will be here in twelve days, Bish. He’s so happy he’ll be home to see you.”

  “Yep.”

  “Bishop…talk to her. You’re miserable. If nothing else, give yourself some closure.”

  “Nope.”

  “You can’t do this to yourself, Son. If you truly care for the girl this must be torture.”

  “You should know. God only knows what Dad’s doing every time he leaves half a world away.”

  The response had his mother diverting eye contact and waving to the waiter. She removed a crisp one-hundred-dollar bill and handed it to him. She then stood and walked from her untouched salad and her son.

  Bishop stared at his steak for a few moments until the waiter returned with the change.

  “Here’s the change, my friend.”

  “Keep it.”

  “There’s fifty-seven dollars—”

  “I said keep it!” hitting his balled fists atop the table sent the waiter stepping backward as other diners looked in confusion.

  “I’m…I’m sorry. Just keep the change.”

  Chapter

  Twenty-Seven

  The entire house smelled of bacon and eggs and pancakes. Up since six, Alex had worked tirelessly to prepare Tyson a monstrous breakfast prior to his day at school. She paced patiently in the living room, waiting for him to finish his morning routine in the bathroom. The second he exited with his bag, she made her way to the front door, nearly blocking it.

  “Hey, Ty. I made you breakfast. I was hoping—”

  “I’m not hungry. Please move out of the way.”

  “Tyson, please…it’s been two weeks. I just I can’t do this. Talk to me or just yell at me or please, something—”

  “Fine! Get the fuck out of the way!” With this he barged past her and out the door.

  That was it. She’d tried everything. He wouldn’t even give the opportunity to attempt to offer a heart-felt apology. What was worse is she had no clue if he was planning on leaving the apartment for the dorms or if her lies had affected his studies—he’d blocked her entirely in such a short time.

  Making her way back to the kitchen, she felt as if she’d been punched in the gut. Each time she cried she thought it might be her last—as if she had no tears left to give—but losing Tyson’s companionship was too much. He was more than just her baby brother. She’d been in a mothering position for years—coping with this loss was too much. She was certain it would destroy her. Tucked in the corner of the apartment kitchen, she bawled violently on the floor.

  Just then the apartment door re-opened. “Okay…maybe just some bacon but I’m just grabbing it and…” As Tyson grabbed a handful of bacon from the plate on the counter he and Alex made eye contact. Instantly, he dropped the food as his face developed an intense look of concern. “Alex! Alex what’s wrong?”

  “Tyson! I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry.”

  Tyson instantly rushed to his sister, kneeling to her. “Why are you crying? What happened?” He frantically searched her face for clues.

  “What happened? I lost you, Tyson. I lost my bes
t friend.”

  “What? Oh my god. Alex, you’re not…you’re crying because of me? Because we’re fighting?”

  “Yes.”

  “No! You hardly ever cry! Why are you crying?”

  “I cry every time you leave the house without speaking to me, Tyson. It kills me.”

  “Stop.” Tyson’s voice elevated as his eyes flooded with tears. “I didn’t mean to make you cry! I’m so sorry, Alex. Shit. You didn’t lose me, you just freaking pissed me off! Please stop crying.”

  “Oh, Tyson.” His words were silk entering her ears as Tyson wrapped his arms around her.

  “Please stop crying, Alex. I can’t handle that shit. Please don’t cry anymore.”

  “Forgive me, Tyson. You know me…I would never hurt you. I’m so sorry. Forgive me!”

  “Okay, Alex!” By this point Tyson was crying nearly as hard as his sister as the siblings continued their embrace on the kitchen floor.

  As they separated, Alex wiped her face with the sleeve of her sweatshirt.

  “You look atrocious, Alex.” Tyson sat back, his legs crossed as he slid his bag off.

  “I know. I’ve already called in for the day. I couldn’t do it another day.”

  “What the…I didn’t know you were this butthurt, Alex. We’ve never fought before. I’ve never been this mad at you before. How was I supposed to know you’d take it this hard?”

  “Tyson, I love you more than anything else on earth. I’d literally die for you right now. Of course I’m going to take it hard when you say like seventeen words to me in two weeks, two of which being to eff off.”

  “You shouldn’t have done that, Alex. I was at their house and I didn’t even know and you did. How the hell was that fair to me? You tell me everything. Why didn’t you just tell me?”

  “Tyson, I wanted to—”

  “Hold that thought.” Tyson stood from his seated position and grabbed the plate of bacon, the plate of pancakes and the bottle of syrup and sat back down.

  “I wanted to tell you. I literally didn’t know how. I shouldn’t have ever went driving by his house. I should never have looked him up on Facebook…I know. But I did and I can’t change that now. Please…if you can forgive me for this I swear to you on everything that I will never keep anything from you again.”

  “Done.” Tyson chomped his food loudly. “But I’m not going to class now so you need to get in the shower cause we’re getting out of here today.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “I don’t care. I kinda missed your dumbass. Let’s go get in some trouble.”

  “Tyson…thank you so much. You have no clue how much it means…it’s like I can breathe again.”

  “Ha. I know that feeling.”

  “Oh…I didn’t mean—”

  “Hush and go get ready. I’m gonna clean up in here.”

  “You mean eat everything?”

  “Possibly.”

  “Good. That’s why I made it.”

  Chapter

  Twenty-Eight

  “The days are getting shorter. And there was chill on the air last night. The cold will be here soon, sweet boy.”

  “I know, Mom. I’m not ready for it. I’m not ready for the snow.”

  Bishop and his mother walked gingerly around the park as the sunset fast approached.

  “How are you enjoying your father being home?”

  “Uh…you want the truth on that one, Mom?”

  “Bishop, I always expect the truth from you.”

  Skateboarders glided past them as Bishop felt his mother’s hand on his shoulder. “It’s been different since Nate died. But you already know that, Mom. I think some things aren’t fixable if people aren’t willing to at least try.”

  “Bishop, your father has asked us repeatedly to come home. He is trying—”

  “What if we are home? What if you and I are home and he knows that? He can continue asking knowing that he’s safe from us ever actually saying yes.”

  “That’s an awful way to think, Bish. And you said you hate the snow.”

  “You slept on the couch last night, Mom. And I never hated the snow until the day I saw it melting in my brother’s blood.”

  “Bishop…”

  “We belong here, Mom. My application was solid…I think I have a good shot at getting in.”

  “You won’t know for so long.”

  “So what? I don’t want to go back to South Africa to stay permanently. Neither do you and you know it. Let’s stay here, Mom. We’re a family. If Dad wants to be a part of that—”

  “He is a part of that, Bishop.”

  “Then he needs to realize that geographical location is a group decision and not his alone.”

  The conversation fizzled as they continued walking. So many passing faces scrambling around them, Bishop was completely taken aback to see Tyson Ayers walking toward him with a cute girl on his arm.

  Before he could divert his mother’s attention, she was smiling and tugging on his arm.

  “Bishop, look! It’s Tyson Ayers.”

  “Oh…yeah it is.” Bishop cautiously skimmed the area for Alex and was relieved to see no sign of her.

  “Bishop!” Tyson grinned largely as he approached, offering him a handshake.

  “Hey, Ty. What’s up, dude?”

  “Hey, Mrs. Holloway. How are you?”

  “Hello, sweet boy.”

  “How are you guys? This is Becca by the way.”

  The group stepped off the pavement to ensure they didn’t obstruct the flow of passersby.

  “I’m really glad to see you…I um…I wanted to talk to you all.” Tyson appeared nervous as he smiled.

  “Of course, Tyson. What is it you need to discuss, sweet boy?” Constance’s motherly demeanor seemed to calm the young man to some degree.

  “I’m speaking in class at the end of the month about my transplant and um…it would really mean a lot if your family could be there.”

  Bishop was instantly relieved that Tyson wasn’t wanting to talk about Alex.

  “Oh! Tyson, that would mean to world to Bishop and me. And Bishop’s father is in town, I assure you he’ll attend as well.”

  “Awesome. I’m not a good public speaker but having you all there would be great. And Bishop if you wanted we could hit up the field or something sometime.” The solemn look on Tyson’s face gave Bishop the impression that Tyson assumed he’d reject the offer to comingle. For this reason he did not.

  “I’m not sure about the field but what are you doing tomorrow? I’m hitting the weights around six if you’re down to go with.”

  “Totes dude. Text the address and I’ll meet you there.”

  As everyone shook hands and walked away, Bishop felt guilty for not reaching out to Tyson sooner. It wasn’t his fault that things happened the way they did.

  “Oh, Bishop…he looks so happy and full of life.”

  “Yeah, Tyson’s a good kid.”

  “I wish he would visit our home. I want to know him more.”

  “I don’t think that’s such a good idea, Mom.”

  “Oh but I do. If everything had happened in another manner…if we’d been introduced to young Tyson through Pam…I truly believe he would have become a lifelong family friend.”

  “But we didn’t meet young Tyson through Pam…we met him through his sister. That changes everything.”

  “Perhaps for you, Son. If Tyson Ayers ever decides he wants to pursue a relationship with his donor family then I am completely receptive regardless of how we were initially acquainted with one another. That’s just how it’s going to be.”

  “Okay then. It’s gonna be a little difficult to develop this wholesome relationship with that dude if you’re in Cape Town.”

  Bishop’s comment silenced his mother as they continued walking. Nearly twenty seconds later she looked to him.

  “You really feel you are home? This is home, Son?”

  “Yeah, I really do, Mom. But it won’t be if you leave m
e here alone. Please don’t go back to South Africa for good.”

  “Okay.” She inhaled deeply through her nostrils, standing confidently erect. “If this is home then this is home. Maybe we’ll practice medicine together someday.”

  “What? That would be awesome!”

  “What does your heart say you will specialize in?”

  The wind blew with it the scent of candied apples and popcorn. “We’re getting some fat-snacks, Mom.” He grabbed her arm and gently pulled her in the direction of the vendor truck.

  “I was thinking sports medicine or family practice…but I don’t know. After I met Tyson I started looking into pulmonology. I guess I have time to decide.”

  “Oh, sweet boy. You have no idea how proud I am to be your mother. You’re such an accomplishment.”

  “Ha! Me? Well you’re not too bad yourself…but uh…seriously, Mom. Thank you for everything. I’d be a hopeless situation without you.”

  “You would be brilliant regardless, but as you said, Bish…we are a family. That’s what families do.”

  Chapter

  Twenty-Nine

  “Sorry I’m late. Dr. Jones was on a rampage today. I swear the bitch needs to get laid or at least needs some antidepressants.”

  “Oh, Alex, you’re fine, sugar-puss. I was just about to get rusty out and walk him but he ain’t feeling too hot today. I think the weather change has got to his hip.”

  Alex hung her jacket up on the same hanger supporting the numerous leashes at the animal shelter.

  “Thank you, Edna. I won’t be here tomorrow, it’s my day in the unit but I’ll be back on Saturday and I don’t mind spending the day.”

  Edna turned from the cabinet she was retrieving supplies from. “Honey…what the hell happened to you that you want to hang out with me and a bunch of leftover dogs all day? I know I’m good company but damn. You’ve been here almost every day for the past three weeks.”