Tangled Dreams

by Jennifer Anderson

  “Gavin I’m not in pain. I’m alright.” I reassured him with a fake smile. Which I don’t even know why I bothered because he seen right through it. “Lets go back in and watch the rest of the movie.” And just as I said that the doors swung open and people started filing out heading to their waiting vehicles. A blast of cold air hit me and I shivered. “I’m so sorry Gavin. This whole night has been ruined all because of me.”

  “No, I’m sorry Madison. I promised you a night of fun and I failed miserably.”

  “How could you even blame yourself Gavin? Let’s just go back to the house.” I said now feeling defeated. Agreeing he walked me out to the truck and helped me in. Getting in he turned up the heater full blast and it rumbled to life. Leaning my head against the cool window, exhaustion set in and I felt myself drifting off into the same old nightmares.

  That was the last thing I remembered when I woke up in my bedroom and looked at the clock it read 2 am. I didn’t remember how I got up here. Gavin must have carried me I thought sadly to how I ruined his whole night. Kicking of my afghan I was still fully dressed. So, taking off my skirt and shirt I didn’t bother going to look for my bed clothes in the dark I was to tired. Deciding to sleep in my panties slipping off my uncomfortable bra. I wedged my self back down under all my blankets this time and quickly fell back asleep. I woke up in the morning sleeping on my stomach and feeling a very cold breeze against my back, my blankets kicked off. I was to tired to readjust and fell back asleep immediately.

  Gavin waking up early to do chores decided to go check on Maddie, he felt so guilty about last night and for getting so mad. He was so disappointed that they didn’t have a good night together and he knew it was his fault. He should have never let Clay get to him. He just knew Maddie had such a soft spot for Clay and it really bothered him and he didn’t know why. Well, other than the fact he was so in love with her that it tore his heart out every day. But, he wasn’t going to force the issue on her when she didn’t feel the same way. She’s been through way to much. Even though it hurts to stand by and watch, if Clay makes her happy then I should back off of him. She’ll find out sooner or later how much of a pansy ass he is. I hope. Tiptoeing in quietly, she was laying face down in her pillows with her bare back showing and he could see her breathing slowly her body pressed into the mattress. He couldn’t remember seeing her more beautiful with her hair fanned out on the pillow, her beautiful bare back shimmering in the early sunlight. Walking lightly to her he gave her a gentle kiss on the shoulder and pulled her blanket up to her shoulders worried she would get cold. Adjusting a bit she turned her head to the other side and mumbled Gavin’s name. Studying her he would of thought that if any name would come out of her mouth it would be Clays. Turning around he walked silently back out. Wanting more than anything to crawl up in that bed next to her. Wrap his arms around her and tell her exactly how he felt.

  Getting dressed I was dreading the next day at school and knew Clay would be expecting an answer from me. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But, sometimes I wonder why I’m holding back from him and holding out for someone I know I can never have. I just don’t know what to do. Sitting back down on the bed I started in on my homework again and was making a decent dent in it and figured I could get caught up maybe by midweek if I stayed on top of it and not get distracted.

  By afternoon I heard Gavin come in rummaging around in the kitchen and soon I heard a knock on my door.

  “Yeah, come in.” I said still looking down at my book.

  “You ready for lunch Maddie?” Poking his head in. Looking up at him he was covered in dirt and looked very cold. “Oh Gavin are you alright? You look like your freezing.”

  “I’m used to it. You ready to eat?”

  “Nah, I’m not really hungry.”

  “Maddie you have to eat something. You haven’t ate since last night.” Standing there clearly annoyed.

  “Gavin I don’t have much of an appetite today. I’ll be alright. I can clearly live off my body fat for quite some time.” I said jokingly. But, I don’t think he thought it was very funny. Mr. Grumpy didn’t have a sense of humor today. I couldn’t blame him after the catastrophe of a night last night.

  “Alright. Suite yourself. Holler if you change your mind.” Walking out and shutting the door.

  “Don’t worry I won’t.” I said under my breath now annoyed to. I spent all day hitting the books and heard Julia, William and the girls get in right at supper time. Gavin didn’t come back in to talk to me the rest of the day. It gets hard when we spend time together and so complicated. I do miss my best friend. The Gavin who wasn’t afraid to touch me, to laugh with me, and at me. The guy who could spin my whole world around with his penetrating gaze and a kiss that sent my body on fire. He was so at ease around me then. But, that was before the decision not to be involved in that sort of way with each other and that was when everything changed. It was like if we couldn’t be “together” then we quite literally couldn’t be together at all.

  The next day I had all my books in tow heading out to the truck with Gavin to head to school. He hadn’t said anything to me except for Good Morning and I think he planned on keeping it that way. Walking into the school we soon split up and I was at my locker piling in my huge stack of books. Getting ready for my first class I wasn’t here thirty seconds and Clay was walking up with a huge smile on his face and he did look handsome with his hair spilling over his face. But, he always looked good. That wasn’t anything unusual.

  “Hey Madison. Welcome back.”

  “Hi Clay.” I said struggling putting in my books.

  “I missed you. It’s nice to have you back.” Pulling me in for a hug repentantly. But, it was nice. “Here let me help you.” Nudging me aside he picked up the pile up off the floor and stacked them in.

  “Thanks Clay. I’m glad they are back in my locker where they are supposed to be.”

  “Not a problem. Have you thought about what we talked about?”

  “Yeah and no.” I said looking away from him. “I’m sorry I was really busy with homework I didn’t have much of a chance to think about anything but chemistry or Biology.”

  “That’s alright but you did promise, don’t forget.”

  “I haven’t forgotten.”

  “You sitting with anyone at lunch today?”

  “I’ll probably sit with Andrea. I haven’t talked to her for a while now.”

  “Oh. Well, you think you could pencil me in sometime this week? I have missed seeing you.”

  “Sure Clay. I gotta get to class though, so I’ll talk to ya later. okay?”

  “Alright. I’ll walk with you.”

  The last bell of the day rang and I zig zagged through the hallways to my locker. Clay spotted me on the way and asked me if I wanted a ride home in which I declined. He obviously wasn’t happy about it. However, I rarely make anyone happy lately. Getting in the truck I looked at my even bigger list of homework that was added on today feeling extremely over whelmed and tired. I was still having problems with balance and exhaustion and Gavin could clearly see it in my eyes and the slow way I was moving. I could see the anger replaced with worry and sympathy which was something I was trying to avoid. I hated making him worry about me. I would rather him be mad at me, at least then he wasn’t worrying about me all the time. He has such a kind heart any girl would be privileged to have him. And when that girl comes along and sees that and decides to keep him I’m going to hate her for it. Leaning my head against the cold glass I shut my eyes and let the exhaustion wash over me struggling to stay awake knowing all the homework I had in front of me. I know not eating yesterday and barely eating a couple bites at lunch today was not helping but I just wasn’t hungry. When we pulled into the drive way and stopped, I snapped open my eyes and started gathering up my books as fast as I could as to not bother Gavin. Suddenly he took them out of my hands. “Gavin I can get them.”

  “Look at yourself Maddie. Your exhausted.”

  “No, I’m
not. I’m fine. I have to get in and get started, and you have to go and do chores. So let me go. I’ll be fine.” I said smiling reassuringly.

  “Yeah, right. Your overdoing it. I can tell. I’ll carry up your books.”Getting out and coming around the truck to walk up the steps. I unfortunately, stumbled hopping down which isn’t anything new. Even on my best day I fall but this time I about fell flat on my face. Gavin dropped my books on the porch and come running over to me to steady me.

  “Damn it Maddie. You are going inside to rest and I’m not giving you your books until you do.” He said holding me tightly.

  “Gavin you can’t do that, they’re mine.”

  “Would you rather me take your books for a couple hours? Or tell Mom? In which she’ll take them all night and then call the school tomorrow and make sure you have another whole day of rest. So chose your evil.” He said smirking.

  “You wouldn’t.” I said glaring up at him.

  “Try me.” Glaring straight back at me.

  “Fine! But, I’m not some child you can bully. Let me have my books and I promise I won’t touch them at least until after supper.” I said looking up at him sweetly.

  Staring down at me intently “No. No way. Not going to happen.”

  “Gavin.” I whined stomping my right foot hard on to the patio.

  “Look, since your not going to touch them then it doesn’t matter if I’m keeping them right? So, conversation over.”

  Scooting me towards the door with his hand on my back. Damn it he was so stubborn and strong. Annoyingly strong. Heading up the stairs he was behind me the entire time. “Right after supper you better be giving them to me and not a minute later.”

  “Alright, after you get some rest and EAT.” He emphasized. “I will return them to you.”

  Finally with the last step we got to the top of the landing and stopped and I turned around to look up at him.

  “Maddie I don’t mean to be a hard ass. I just know how you get and I don’t want you over doing it.”

  Looking down into my eyes it was easy to see the concern in his and I understood why he was doing it. I would act the same way if the roles were reversed. “I know Gavin.” I said rolling my eyes annoyed. Leaning down towards me I could feel his breath on my face our eyes connecting and I held my breath as he leaned closer until our faces were mere inches apart. Just as I was sure he was about to kiss me he reached behind my back and grabbed the door knob opening my door. When he pulled back I was sure he could see the disappointment in my face. Turning around suddenly I feel a smack on my butt.

  “Now get your cute little ass in there and rest.” Smirking walking off. With me standing here stunned, my mouth on the floor. I watched him walk off and down the stairs. He never ceases to amaze me. After walking in and closing the door I couldn’t help but to laugh. That was a glimpse of the Gavin I missed so much that it makes my heart ache.

  The next few weeks drug on relentlessly. Luckily I got caught up with all my late homework and Clay gave me some much needed space. Looking around class today everything was decorated for Christmas and it was hard not thinking about dad constantly. Missing the apartment I called home. Buying dad presents and baking cookies. Sitting around the Christmas tree and having our Christmas eve “movie night.” We didn’t watch anything particular, it was just the fact that we were together and we made it a tradition. This Christmas was going to be the worst. Trying not to think about my absentee mother either. But, right now time was my ultimate enemy and I just wanted it to speed up. So, here I am trying to figure out how I fit in my “new” found family and how Christmas was going to go. I already had picked out a few presents for the girls. I bought Aunt Julia a sweater, Uncle William well, I haven’t thought of anything for him. Gavin’s present is still a working progress also. I want it to be something nice, personal, but not to personal, but something to show him how much I care. I’m not putting any pressure on myself or anything. I still have a little bit of time to think about it.

  The bell rang and I walked out of class and tried to shut out the giggling from the girls groping all over Gavin. Even though he ignores them for the most part it still hurts when he does laugh or smile at one of them. So, I just try to shut my eyes, grit my teeth and go on. Walking in the hallway I sighed a deep breath of relief getting out of that claustrophobic cell that they call a class room. Practically running over to a corner of the hall where there were no lockers I leaned up against the wall to take a deep breath and try to grab my bearings. I still feel weak once in a while but, other than that I was completely back to normal. Well, as normal as possible. Leaning against the wall I took a deep breath and closed my eyes trying to close out all the people that were running past me in a furious pace trying to get to there next class. Trying to find their friends to talk to, or spread a rumor. Finding their significant other of the day, or even hour with some of these people. Opening back up my eyes I was face to face with Clay standing in front of me smirking.

  “What are you doing Madison?” He asked amused.

  “I’m resting.” I said closing my eyes again banging my head gently against the wall.

  “Oh.” Still smiling.

  “Alright. I think I’ll rest to.” Moving to stand beside me leaning up against the wall to. “This is a very restful spot, not at all noisy, or high traffic.” Trying to hide his smirk looking over at me. Barely opening one eye I turned my head to look at him and laughed at him being a smart ass.

  “Yeah, well this is the best I could do under the circumstances.”

  “I suppose it’ll have to do. However if you’re really desperate for a low traffic quiet spot you could go out with me on Friday night.” Looking at her searching her face for any sort of reaction at all.

  “Clay, I don’t know if I’m ready for that sort of direction for us .”

  “So, there is an us?” He said hopefully.

  “Clay.” I sighed. “You don’t know when to give up.”

  “It doesn’t have to be a date. It can be going out with your friend.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Alright. That’s probably the best I am going to be able to do right now.

  “Yeah it is.” I said with a head ache starting. I wonder why every time I hang out with him lately it ends in a massive head ache. Looking forward I spotted Gavin walking out of the classroom glancing over we made eye contact which he immediately broke and walked off into the opposite direction. Of course Clay saw the exchange.

  “He doesn’t like me anymore does he?”

  “Can you blame him?”

  “No, I’m just as jealous of him.”

  Looking up at him. “What? Why?” I asked confused.

  “He gets to live with you. He gets to see your beautiful face in the morning. He gets to spend time with you. He gets to be in a part of your life I know I’ll never get to be in no matter how hard I try.”

  “Clay I gotta go.” I said starting to walk off.

  “Madison?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Have a good Christmas break. Call me about Friday night.” He said pulling me in for a hug.

  “Alright Clay.” Walking away and to my next class where I knew I would see Gavin and it made me so happy. I could see him twenty four hours a day and it still wouldn’t be long enough. Of course he could never know that. Sighing I walked into my next class and shut the door.

  Chapter Fifteen: A New Year Begins

  On Christmas eve I woke up to a quiet house and was just relieved that I didn’t have to go to school. I knew Aunt Julia would be down stairs already baking pies for tomorrows dinner. Uncle William I knew was supposed to be outside doing chores with the farm hand. He was actually gracious enough to give Gavin two days off. Christmas and Christmas eve. Kayla and Kylie were most likely down stairs helping Aunt Julia cook. Gavin, I wasn’t sure what he was doing today. Laying in bed I listened quietly for him in his bedroom but, the only thing I heard was silence. Rolling out of bed, deciding I would get
dressed and see if aunt Julia needed another hand.

  Walking to my closet I yanked a light blue sweater out and an old pair of jeans and made my way down stairs. Looking around I didn’t see Gavin but, I knew he would be up already. Getting to the kitchen aunt Julia was facing away from me towards the counter making pies, and cookies with the girls on each side of her standing on chairs. They were laughing and they had flour smeared all over there faces and I felt an over whelming sadness wash over me. I backed out quietly with tears streaming down my face. Once I cleared the room I turned around to run back upstairs and ran into what I could only describe as what felt like a brick wall.

  Reaching out and grabbing me Gavin steadied me. “Whoa, Maddie where are you going in such a hurry?” Looking down into her face he realized she was upset and knew it would be a hard time for her and hated seeing her so sad.

  “I’m just going back up to my room.” I said avoiding eye contact.

  “You want some company?”

  “I’m alright Gavin. I just got to get through these two days then I’ll be okay.” I said trying to convince myself of that as much as him. “Where did you come from anyways?” I asked trying to change the subject.

  “I was upstairs.” He said taking the back of his hand and wiping the tears rolling down my cheek.

  “Well, you can tell me no now but you can’t tonight cause I got something planned tonight.” He said with that gorgeous half smirk on his face. At that point I would have agreed to anything.

  “Gavin you don’t have to do anything on my account.”

  “To late it’s done babe.” He said taking the back of his hand now rubbing my cheek gently giving me a smile before turning around walking back up the stairs.

  For the first time in a long time he felt a sense of excitement. He was tired of being the guy who stood in the wings while he watched Clay take what he wanted, and he was thinking about doing something about it tonight.