Tangled Dreams

by Jennifer Anderson

  I spent the day wrapping Gavin’s present among other tasks. I didn’t really know what to get him so I decided on dog tags that had his baseball number on the front and an inscription on the back. I tried to get him something I knew he would like, and something he could wear to remind him of me especially, when he went away to college. Which the thought of that still made my heart throb. Getting out a Christmas Card I decided I would write something nice. More personal. Finally finished I piled his presents on the bed. The others just the usual DVDs I knew he liked. A couple of gift cards. The presents for everyone else I had already taken down and put under the tree but, I wanted to give him his privately. I was afraid if I gave it to him in front of everyone that they would see how I felt for him and that I didn’t want. I felt some days I was a pane of glass that everyone could see right through and those were the days I stayed clamped up tight in fear of anyone getting close. Looking up to a knock on the door in between our rooms, Gavin walked in. He was in loose bed pants, and a tight sleeveless shirt that showed all the definition of his toned body.

  “You ready babe?” Saying with a huge smile on his face.

  “Ready for what? I think I’m overdressed.” I said looking at him looking comfortable. With me in a nice sweater and a skirt not sure what he had in mind.

  “You look beautiful.” He said walking over and taking me by the hand pulling me off the bed.

  “Where are we going?” I asked confused.

  “Not far. Just one room over.”

  “Oh. Alright, let me grab your presents.” Reaching down I grabbed the presents with my free hand. My other hand was still being held tight. Pulling me into his room I stepped in behind him still confused and my jaw dropped. He had hundreds of twinkling lights strung up every where across the ceiling and the walls. Looking at one corner of the room he had a tiny tree with ornaments all over it and it was lit up also with a couple presents underneath it. In the other corner there was a table with cookies, pies, and drinks. And beside the television was what had to be hundreds of DVD’s. When all of a sudden it hit me what he was trying to do. He was trying to recreate my Christmas Eve’s with Dad in the city. Looking into his eyes with his warm smile I started to cry. I just couldn’t help it.

  “Oh god Maddie. What did I do? What’s the matter?” He asked pulling me into his arms.

  Crying now uncontrollably I couldn’t remember a time where anyone had been this kind and considerate and I couldn’t love him any more right now. This made me love him so completely and whatever doubts I may have had were banished in this moment. Blubbering uncontrollably in between sobs. “It’s just so beautiful, and it makes me so happy.”

  Chuckling holding her tight “Yeah, I could tell.”

  Pulling back in between tears I took his face into my hands and planted a kiss on his lips quickly. Pulling away just as quickly. Embarrassed by what I just did.

  “Well, that wasn’t the reaction I was expecting but, I’ll sure the hell take it” He said looking into her eyes wiping her tears away from her cheeks.

  “I can’t believe you remembered this.”

  “I remember everything you tell me Maddie.” Looking down at me still holding me tightly.

  “This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.”

  “I doubt that, but either way you deserve it.” He said pulling her into his chest again holding her close with his eyes closed he didn’t want to let her go. He was tired of always having to let her go. A man could only take so much. Leaning her head into his chest.

  “I don’t deserve this or you.”

  Taking her face into his hands. “Look at me Maddie.”

  Looking up into his beautiful eyes I could feel the walls around my heart start to crumble.

  “You do deserve this. I would do anything it took to see you happy.” Leaning down not releasing his eyes from her gaze or his hands from her face he brought his lips down to hers and this time it wasn’t fast or awkward. It was slow, deep, and with feeling. She wasn’t about to pull away this time. Lifting her up in his arms he brought her up to his height holding all of her weight in his arms wrapped solidly around her. Not leaving her lips once with his kiss deepening.

  Wrapping my arms around his neck I was in heaven. I knew it was wrong. I knew one of us would end up getting hurt. It was just inevitable but, I just couldn’t help myself. My restraint had snapped and I just wanted this one piece of heaven. Just once without over thinking it, and without regret. Wrapping my legs around his waist he pressed me up against the wall for the extra support taking one hand up and through my hair.

  He reluctantly pulled away from the kiss staring deeply into her eyes. “Your so beautiful.”

  “Nothing compared to you.” I said running my hands up through his wavy hair and down to his neck pulling him back in for another kiss. Which he obliged. Finally pulling away from him before I reached the point where I knew I couldn’t go. I unwrapped my legs from around his waist and he set me back on my feet with his arms still around me.

  “You smell so good.” I said resting my cheek on his chest that was still damp from crying earlier.

  “I would like to have you this close more often.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Shh you don’t have to say anything.” Closing his eyes resting his chin on the top of her head thinking about how much she was killing him right now. “Do you want me to let you go? I don’t think Clay would like this.” Saying sadly.

  “No I don’t want you to let me go, and I don’t care what Clay likes. I’m not with him.” Smiling that was the best news he had ever heard. “Well, maybe you should let go. I have to give you your presents.”

  Reluctantly I pulled away and reached down on the desk for his presents. Sitting on his bed he opened his DVD’s that he loved. Putting them with the rest of his pile. I gave him his necklace last. Opening it up, his face lit up with surprise. “Maddie this is nice. You didn’t have to do this.” Flipping it over, reading the inscription.

  “To my best friend, Love Maddie.”

  “Maddie this is the best present anyone has ever given me.” Reaching over he grabbed me into a hug. “Thank you.”

  “Your Welcome.” Picking up the card he opened it and read aloud.

  To my best friend,

  I know I don’t act like it but, I just want you to know I appreciate you so much. Everything you have done for me, and the kind smile you give to me everyday even when I don’t deserve it. The way you defend me. The way you look at me, and especially the way you treat me. You always make me feel welcome even if were not getting along I know you will always be here for me. Without you I don’t know if I could have ever gotten through these months after dad dying. You’ll never know how much that has meant to me and how very much you mean to me. This Christmas is sad for me without my family but, with you around I still have hope. That’s something no one can ever take away from me. Thank you so much for just being you.

  Love Maddie

  Looking up at her he tucked it back in the envelope and put his necklace on. “Thank you Maddie. I’ll keep them both forever. Now your turn.” Handing over my presents.

  Opening up the first one I found a beautiful pink sweater that buttoned down the front. “Gavin it is beautiful.” I said running my fingers down the soft material.

  “Well, mom told me the size.”

  “It’s perfect.” I said setting it aside picking up another present.” This one was a small box. Opening it I looked inside to find a beautiful bracelet that matched my sweater. “Gavin this is gorgeous. You shouldn’t have gone to so much trouble. Plus you spent to much. You really shouldn’t have.” Putting his finger to my lips.

  “Sh Maddie. I wanted to.” He said taking it from me and hooking it around my wrist. “There’s only one thing wrong with it.” He said holding my hand up studying the bracelet.

  Leaning forward looking at it intently. “I don’t see anything wrong with it.” I said with a frown on my face.


  “It’ll never be as gorgeous as you.” Looking into my eyes. Smiling I looked down at it and reached over to give him a hug and thank him. Pulling away, alright. One more present. He said this time pulling one from underneath his pillow.

  “Gavin you have gotten me to much now.”

  “Bull shit. Now open it.” Placing it in my lap.

  Unwrapping it I found a leather bound book with my name inscribed on the front of it. Opening it up I realized that it was a journal. The nicest one I had ever seen. “I thought maybe since you like writing so much and since your other one is full, that you might need another one.” He said looking expectantly at me not sure of my reaction. With a heavy heart I held it close to my chest. “I love it Gavin. You’ll never know how much this means to me.”

  “Then why do you look so sad babe?”

  “I’m sad that I have met the perfect man. One who knows me so completely. Who is so caring, gorgeous and perfect and it can never be.”

  “It can’t or you won’t?” Looking deeply in my eyes.

  “I really don’t know.” Setting my book down and crawling up into his lap and his open arms “Forgive me for this moment of weakness Gavin.”

  “Madison it’s these moments of weaknesses that I pray for every day. Why do you deny me and deny us?”

  “You know why Gavin.”

  “No. I know the reasons you say but I can see in your eyes there’s more to it.”

  “I wasn’t aware that you might still want to try to be more than friends.” I said careful not to look at him and instead look down at my hands.

  “Babe don’t you see the way I look at you? I figured you could see right through me.”

  “It was hard seeing you through all those girls.”

  “Well, it wasn’t so easy seeing through all of those guys either, namely Clay.” Saying with a note of bitterness in his voice now.

  Sighing “I don’t want to fight Gavin.”

  “I don’t either. I don’t ever want to fight with you.”

  “I love all my presents.”

  “I know the journal isn’t the same. I know that you and your dad would write back and fourth but I figured you could still write in it to him. I’m sure he’s still listening. Or just write whatever you feel like.”

  Leaning forward I grabbed the journal and then grabbed a pen off the stand next to his bed and sunk comfortably back into his lap.

  “What are you doing?” He asked confused.

  “You’ll see.” Writing up at the top right hand corner I wrote December 24. Then I went on to write,

  This has been the best Christmas eve I could of ever hoped for. Just when I thought I was going to be miserable Gavin comes along and makes me happy again. He means so much to me that it hurts to imagine him not around. And I know I take him for granted. He came in and lighted up my life when I thought I could never be happy again. He makes me laugh, he makes me think, he makes me smile but, most of all he makes me trust again.

  Reading it as she wrote he was happy to see how she felt about him.

  “Okay your turn.” I said grabbing his hand that was wrapped around me and put the pen in it holding the book for him.

  “Madison, I can’t. This is for you. This was something special you did with your dad.”

  “Now it’s something special that I’m going to do with you.” Smiling at him.

  “Alright.” Leaning forward he wrote.

  To Maddie:

  This has been the best Christmas eve I have ever had because I’m spending it with you. I’m sorry about the circumstances that got you here into my life. But, I’m not sorry you’re here. Because now I could never imagine my life without you. I could hardly remember what my life was like before you crashed head long into it. I look forward to spending time with you, and when were not getting along I feel like a part of me is missing. When I can’t hear your laughter, or see your smile I feel like a part of me is dead. You are were you belong now. Here with me. Right or wrong everything happens for a reason and I believe you were meant to come here.

  Reading it as he wrote I just wanted to spill my guts to him on how very much I love him. “That’s sweet Gavin.” Shutting the book in my lap with his arms wrapped around me again. “Now starts a new tradition.” I said with new found hope in my voice. “You promise you will write in it once in a while?”

  “I promise. Just as long as you want me to.”

  “Good. I’ll treasure it forever.”

  “You ready to watch movies?” Asking not wanting to get up, knowing having her this close would soon be over. Soon I would most likely be replaced with Clay and it killed him inside just thinking about it. Lifting her up and setting her on the bed beside him he walked over and put in a movie. Coming back to the bed to sit down with her she slid beside him and laid back into his pillows. And the only thing he could think of was how her smell was now going to be on his pillows and it was hard enough sleeping at night. What is one more torture? Thinking reluctantly. “If your hungry as you can see you have a lot to pick from.”

  “I’m alright for now. You can go ahead if your hungry.”

  “Nah, I’m good.” He said leaning back on the pillows beside me. “You cold?” He asked noticing she was curled up in a tight ball.

  “A little.” Reaching down he pulled up a blanket and put it on top of me. “Thank you.” I said watching every movement he made. He was so graceful in everything he did. Athletes always seemed to be more graceful in everything. Of course I wasn’t so lucky.

  “You okay now?” Asking still concerned leaning back beside her shutting off the lamp for the full effect of the movie night. Leaving them in darkness with the only light coming from the TV and the twinkling lights he had strung up. He looked so handsome sitting here staring at the TV with the lights bouncing off his face. Once in a while he would smirk or laugh quietly. Finally building up my courage I did what I wanted to all night long. Be damned with the consequences. Leaning in closer to him I took his arm and put it around my shoulders, staring into each others eyes. I could see the confusion on his face. Snuggling in close to his side I laid down next to him putting my arm around his stomach in a tight embrace. Besides it’s not like we haven’t been here before and we made it through and are still friends. Laying here listening to his heart beat I could have stayed here all night easily. Actually I could have stayed here indefinitely. Tonight I’ll spend this time with the one I love, and tomorrow will go back to normal. Sadly. I might as well enjoy this while I can. How often does someone do something so nice for me? I told myself trying to find justification for going back on my promises to myself. I knew I was just making it inevitably harder for me and both of us, for that matter and it wasn’t fair. However, I’ve learned life rarely is. If there is one thing mom has taught me over and over again, it is that. Deciding that this was my most favorite place in the world I closed my eyes and drank up the moment. The butterflies never seem to stop fluttering in my stomach when he is close to me. The night was winding down and neither one of us wanted it to end. We kept putting in movie after movie, only pausing to get something to eat and drink. I always made sure I ended up back in his arms after every break. He didn’t seem to have any problem with that. He never pushed me, he always waited until I made the move towards him, then he would put his arms around me.

  Last time I looked at the clock it was 4 am. And now I’m waking up alone in my own bed. Looking out the windows I knew it was early and I could hear Kayla and Kylie yelling for everyone to get up because Santa came. The clock read 7 am. and I knew I got hardly any sleep at all. I could still smell the scent of Gavin on my clothes and I wished I were still in his room with him. Realizing he must of carried me in to my own room sometime after I passed out. I didn’t even get a chance to thank him. Smiling to myself last night felt like a wonderful dream. But it wasn’t a dream, it was reality. Making this Christmas so special for me. Willing my eyes open, I quite literally rolled myself out of bed and hurriedly ran myself
down to the second floor for a quick shower. Now, dreading this part. Everyone sitting around the tree like family, happy, laughing, and me feeling uncomfortable and out of place. I wish I could stay in my room but, I knew aunt Julia would never allow it.

  Stepping out of the shower I could hear the girls running down the hallway knocking on the door.

  “Madison! Madison! Come on. You almost ready?” I could hear the girls yelling in excited voices.

  “I’m coming.” I called out as I wrapped a towel around myself. Opening up the door and running into Gavin who turned yelling at the girls to quit running and to go downstairs and wait patiently for a change.

  “Oh Gavin. I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking.” I said with water still dripping down my skin to much in a hurry to dry off very good knowing uncle William would kill me if he seen me walking around in a towel instead of a robe. Forgetting it upstairs in my sleepy haze. I felt Gavin’s penetrating gaze look down and into my eyes.

  “Did you have fun last night?” Asking with tired eyes and a yawn.

  “Yes I did.” Smiling trying to show him my appreciation.

  “You look tired Maddie. Beautiful, but tired.”

  “Thanks Gavin.” I said blushing. “Thank you for getting me back in bed last night. I guess I passed out on you.”

  “Yeah, it’s okay. I don’t mind.” Smiling widely.

  “Well, thanks again.” I said reaching up on my tip toes and wrapping my one free arm around his neck with my other hand clutching my towel tightly closed pulling him in for a hug. Pulling back “Sorry, I’m soaked and I better get going before Uncle William sees me.” I said hurrying off as quickly as possible and back up the steps not breathing again until I hit my bedroom door. Knowing I was growing weaker every moment I was around him. Finding it harder to convince my self that he doesn’t have some of the same feelings for me. Getting dressed I hurried downstairs and quickly ran into the living room where everyone was sitting and waiting. Kayla and Kylie were already on the floor separating all the presents and placing them by each person.