Clover Blue

by Eldonna Edwards

  Of course I’m watching, too. Rain is the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen in my life. She looks like she belongs on the cover of one of those Sweet Sixteen magazines I’ve seen at Walgreens in Santa Rosa. The ones Harmony always makes fun of.

  I wish Harmony would come back. I know she can take care of herself, but I’m starting to worry. I’m pretty sure I know where to find her. When nobody’s paying attention, I slip behind the outhouse and over the hill and race toward the woods. Just inside the cover of trees, I hook a quick right along the edge to our secret deer path. I follow it to a wooden bridge that Harmony and I made from a fallen log, and cross the creek. I stop when I get to the hollowed-out trunk. It used to be big enough for us both to curl up inside together and tell stories.

  I drop to my knees and poke my head inside. Sure enough, there she is, looking as mean and stubborn as that rooster we had for a while before it got eaten by a bobcat.

  “Go away, Blue,” she growls.

  “Come on, Harmony. You must want to see her after all this time.”

  When I make a move to join her she glares at me. “No, I really don’t want to see her.”

  “But she’s your mom.”

  “Ruth only gave birth to me. Willow, Jade, and Sirona raised me.” Ever since Harmony’s mom took off, she refuses to call her Gaia.

  I sit back on my heels. “The sister-mothers raised me, too. Including Gaia. At least you know who your birth mother is.”

  She looks up quickly and I know she feels bad. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “It’s okay. I was just giving you a hard time.” I eye the spot next to her. “Can I come in? Please?”

  She scooches over and I crawl through the opening. We just barely fit inside the burned-out tree together. I sniff the musty air.

  “It still smells like fire, doesn’t it?”

  She wrinkles her nose but doesn’t say anything. Harmony’s normally the chattiest person I know. I tickle the tops of her feet with a fern frond. I can tell she’s fighting a smile. She slaps me on the arm. “Stop trying to make me un-mad.”

  “I just want you to come home. It’s my birthday, man.”

  She digs her bare toes into the leaves and bits of bark in the soft dirt. “I know. And Ruth screwed it up. Like she screws up everything.”

  “It won’t be screwed up if you come back.”

  Harmony sighs. “I’ll come back only because it’s your birthday. But I don’t want to see her or talk to her. Will you tell her that?”

  I nod. “Deal.”

  On the way back we make a plan for her to hide in my bedroom until after evening meditation. We take the long way home around the far edge of the property and come out of the woods near the tree house. I try to cover her while she scrambles up the ladder.

  When I return to join the others, Goji is waiting for me near the kitchen, eating a piece of my birthday cake. A glob of frosting is stuck in his long beard. He motions for me to come closer, hopefully to invite me to his shack for our long-awaited talk about my birth family.

  “Do you know where Harmony is?”

  I glance toward the tree house. “I promised not to . . .”

  Goji lays a hand on my shoulder and smiles. “Tell her not to worry. We love her and we’ll care for her heart.”

  “Okay.”

  He goes back to eating his cake.

  “Goji?”

  “Mmm-hmm.”

  “Remember that night Aura was born and you said we’d talk again when I’m twelve?”

  He licks his plate clean and sets it on the table. “I don’t believe I said the exact day you turn twelve.”

  Ugh, I was sure he meant my actual birthday when he said it. Before I can find the words to ask about setting a day to talk, he spots Rain with Sirona and waves them over. “I’m sorry, Clover Blue. As you’re well aware, sometimes the universe has its own plans.” Goji drapes one arm around each of the women and guides them down the path toward the meditation area. “Come on, Blue, let’s introduce your new sister to The Peaceful Way.”

  * * *

  The sun is nearly down when Gaia and Doobie stumble out of the woods together. Gaia stops to pull a burr out of her bare foot before hop-walking the rest of the way across the field. They move to where we’re setting up for evening meditation. Gaia’s halter top is stuffed in the back pocket of her cutoffs. Both of them have leaves mixed up in their hair and they look stoned.

  Doobie smiles sheepishly. “No sign of Harmony, but I found this beautiful lady.”

  Nobody says a word. Most of the family are already sitting cross-legged on the ground, waiting for Goji to finish explaining our nightly meditation to Rain.

  Gaia spots me just as I’m starting to sit. She lets go of Doobie and slaps her hand over her mouth. “Holy shit, is that really you, little brother?” She runs over and throws her arms around me, kissing me about a dozen times on my cheeks and forehead. She pulls back and grabs my hands. “Look at you! I used to carry you piggyback and now you’re . . .”

  “Twelve, as of today.”

  “That’s right! Sorry I didn’t get you anything.” She motions toward Rain with her hand and winks. “But I brought us a beautiful new sister, didn’t I?”

  I blush. Gaia smiles so big her reddened eyes almost disappear. She glances around looking for Harmony, her grin turning into a frown. “My kid still doesn’t want to see me?”

  I shake my head. “Sorry.”

  Gaia nods. “Understandable. She’s probably freaked out. And maybe a little pissed off.” She laughs, her wonderful bubbly laugh that I’ve missed so much. “Okay, maybe a lot pissed off.”

  Willow carries the dripping meditation candle she just lit to where Gaia and Doobie are standing next to me. Doobie gets one look at Willow’s stern face and backs away, taking a seat behind Moon. Willow straightens her long back and gives Gaia the once-over. “What did you expect, sister? That she’d be thrilled to finally see the person who abandoned her to go play with the other Deadhead groupies traipsing around the country? Harmony’s the child, not you. She deserved her mother.”

  Gaia glances at me and back to Willow. “Do you even hear yourself? You think you’re so evolved?”

  Rain nervously watches the arguing sister-mothers. Goji moves closer to Willow and Gaia but he doesn’t speak. He likes the family to work things out among themselves without his interference. He motions for Rain to sit next to Sirona.

  Gaia turns toward Goji. “Am I allowed to join meditation?”

  He doesn’t answer.

  “You know what? I’ve changed my mind.” She stomps over to where Rain is sitting and pulls her to her feet. “Come on, sweetie. These uptight people don’t deserve you.”

  Rain’s face goes from shy and nervous to panic. Goji steps between Rain and Gaia. Coyote stands and positions himself to Goji’s right. My heart feels like it’s going to split in half. As much as I miss Gaia, I love Harmony more. I don’t know this new girl she brought but I know Gaia. I have a feeling Rain will be safer with us than with her. I move to Goji’s other side.

  Gaia looks to Rain behind us, then to me and back to Goji. She slowly shakes her head. “I thought we were family. I thought you’d be thrilled for this reunion.” She turns to me. “Blue, take good care of your new sister. Tell Harmony that I love her and I’ll for sure be back for her.”

  Gaia turns to leave but stops in front of Willow, who is still holding the candle. The two women stare at each other, the flickering flame reflected in their pupils. After a long moment Gaia shoves her fingers into the wick and snuffs out the flame. “People with secrets should stay hidden.” She marches off and Doobie chases after her. The two of them disappear into the dark.

  * * *

  Everyone is too fidgety to meditate for very long and we break up the circle after a brief chant. Jade gently carries a sleeping Aura toward our massive tree house. Sirona drapes her arm around Rain’s shoulder. “You can share Harmony’s room. I think she’ll enjoy some
company. She’s been alone ever since her mother . . . ever since Gaia left.”

  I’m not too sure Harmony will agree. She likes having a room to herself. But then maybe she is lonely. Maybe she just pretends she’s happy alone. She’s good at hiding things, especially her feelings.

  I head up to the second-story room I share with Coyote, where Harmony has been hiding in Coyotes’ hammock. She lifts her head when she hears me walk in. “Is Ruth still here?”

  “I don’t know. I think she’s with Doobie.”

  Harmony spies Goji’s present under my arm. “What did he give you?”

  “A book.”

  As I slowly unwrap my gift, she climbs out of the hammock and leans over my shoulder. The moon throws just enough light through the window opening to reveal the familiar cover. I run my fingers over the words The Prophet.

  Harmony takes the book from me and flips through the pages. “Looks boring.” She hands it back.

  “Goji’s read to me from this one. It might be better than you think.”

  She rolls her eyes. “I doubt it.”

  The roar of the VW bug starting up breaks through the quiet of Saffron Freedom Community. The engine chirp-chirps as Gaia shifts through gears and drives toward the road. Harmony moves to the window and watches the headlights flash against the trees then flicker and disappear through the woods. Without turning she says, “Do you think Doobie left with her?”

  “I don’t know. I hope not.”

  In the room below mine we hear the new girl sobbing. Harmony flashes a panicked look. “Wait. They gave her my room?”

  “To share. The other rooms are full.”

  She sighs. “It’s fine. She probably won’t stay very long anyway.” Harmony cranes her head out the window, trying to look into her bedroom below. “That girl sure cries a lot.”

  “Maybe you should go talk to her. She seems really scared.”

  Harmony reaches into her shorts pocket and hands me a glassy black arrowhead. I turn the pointy obsidian over in my hand, rubbing the surface with my thumb. “Wow. It’s nearly perfect.”

  “Happy birthday, Blue.” She starts to leave but stops in the doorway. “Thanks for talking to Goji.”

  I smile. “Thanks for coming back.”

  She slips out of my room and down to hers. I hear Harmony chattering away to the new girl, trying to cheer her up. I hang my wilting birthday crown on the hook next to my bed. A petal falls and lands square on the nose of the floating face of The Prophet. I tuck the book under my pillow and lie back on my lumpy mattress. Below me, the girl’s sobs turn into soft whimpers. I suddenly understand why Goji named the new girl Rain.

  3

  I’m relieved to see Doobie when I pass the kitchen the next morning. I worried that he’d left with Gaia last night. I can tell the Olders are doing their best to lighten things up. Sirona stands in front of the woodstove, humming “Puff the Magic Dragon.” When her pancakes are perfectly browned, she flips them one by one to Doobie, who’s forced to catch them on the chipped platter he’s holding. He carries the towering stack to the community table, where Wave claps him on the back, nearly sending the pancakes into the dirt.

  Doobie carefully sets down the plate. When he turns, Wave gives him a big bear hug. “Morning, brother.”

  Doobie looks like he’s about to cry. I don’t think he ever stopped believing that Gaia would come back. Not just for Harmony. For him. And now she’s gone again.

  He wipes his eyes and smiles at Harmony as she walks up to the table with Rain. Our newest sister looks just a tiny bit messier than she did when she arrived, but in the soft light she’s even more gorgeous than I remembered. I pull out a chair for Rain and wait for her to sit before finding a seat across the table.

  Harmony sneaks up behind me and whispers in my ear, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

  “I wasn’t staring,” I whisper back.

  She slides onto the bench next to me and kicks me under the table. “Were too.”

  Goji is the last to arrive. Unlike most days, he’s taken special care to look his best this morning. His long dark hair is clean and combed, falling over his shoulders and halfway down his back. He’s wearing Jesus sandals below a white embroidered kurta that he got when he lived in India. It looks kind of like a dress. I’ve only seen him wear it a couple of other times. With all this dirt and only washtubs for laundry, our clothes don’t usually get very clean. White rarely stays white for long.

  Goji pulls out his chair at the head of the table. The sister-mothers fall into silence, waiting for his greeting. He looks around the table from face to face, spending the longest on Rain’s. She blushes and looks away.

  “Good morning, family,” he finally says.

  “Good morning, brother,” we say back.

  As we pig out on pancakes swimming in maple syrup, Jade invites Rain to tell us a little about herself. “What brought you to Saffron Freedom Community? Besides Gaia, I mean.”

  Rain dabs at the corner of her mouth with a napkin made from one of our old torn-up sheets. “I ran away from home with hardly any money and no idea where I was going. Your friend Gaia found me sitting on a curb outside the Safeway in Salinas. She just sat down next to me in the middle of town and listened to my story. I mean really listened, like she cared. Then she got really excited and told me about Saffron Freedom Community and insisted that I needed to come here.”

  At the mention of Gaia, everyone looks at Harmony. She stabs at a pancake and holds it in front of her, inspecting it carefully and ignoring the attention.

  Moon taps Rain on the elbow. “Then what happened?”

  Rain smiles sweetly at him. “Gaia said she was on her way to a concert. She couldn’t take me here so she drew a map and told me that this place was exactly where I needed to be. I didn’t know what else to do so I walked out to the road and stuck out my thumb. Gaia pulled up in her rusty Volkswagen. Said she changed her mind and really wanted to see everyone here.” Rain looks at Harmony. “She told me about you, how much she missed you but that the longer she was away the harder it was to come back.”

  Harmony just shrugs. “Why’d you run away?” she asks, trying to change the subject to anything besides her mom.

  Rain glances at Goji, who shakes his head “no” so slightly you wouldn’t notice if you weren’t watching closely. I’m always watching Goji. I want to be more like him. He’s wise and kind and always knows just the right thing to say.

  “I was unhappy for a lot of reasons,” Rain says to Harmony.

  It’s a loaded question given my history in this family but I can’t help asking, “Won’t you miss your family?”

  Willow visibly flinches. Rain gets a drifty look in her eyes, like she’s peering through a window the rest of us can’t see. Her words come out in a near whisper.

  “I already do.” She shakes her head and bites the corner of her lip as if to rid the thought. “But I can’t go back.” She studies the food on her plate. “I’m never going back.”

  “I don’t miss Ruth,” Harmony blurts.

  Goji smiles at Harmony’s comment but he looks in my direction as he speaks. “Let’s not focus on the past when we have so much to appreciate in the present.”

  We all go back to eating, but the conversation gets me thinking about all the unanswered questions I have. SFC is my family and I love them. They’re everything I’ve ever known. But once in a while curiosity bubbles up to the surface. What do my real parents look like? Do they have a house? Where do they live? Would they like me? Would they love me as much as this family does?

  “Yes, Goji,” I say. I swallow the next bite of pancake along with the nagging thoughts about my first family.

  * * *

  Wave and I meet in a clearing for my guitar session. My fingers are barely long enough to stretch to the last two strings on the third fret of Wave’s guitar. It makes a buzzing sound when I strum because I can’t hold them all the way down.

  “Ow.” I shake out my hand and
hand the guitar to Wave. “I’m no good at this.”

  He shoves it back at me. “It takes practice. Lots of practice. And these.” He turns his left hand over so I can see the calluses on his fingertips. “Cop a feel, man.”

  I run my finger over the pads expecting them to feel like blisters, but they’re more like crusty bumps. He flips his bangs aside and grins. “Pretty soon you won’t even feel the strings. You’ve just got to keep at it.”

  I try a B chord and it buzzes again.

  “Practice, little brother. It’s the only difference between what I do and what you do.”

  “And talent,” I add.

  “You’re a natural, Clover Blue. You need to stop comparing yourself to me. Remember, I started right where you did.”

  “On a log in the woods?”

  “A stool in the basement. Same thing, different setting.” He grips my knee and gives it a little shake. “Trust me, this seat is much better.”

  He takes off his wire-rimmed glasses and wipes them on a faded bandana, then slides them back on his nose. I switch to the easier A and E minor chords, using the blue plastic pick he gave me. He nods his head with each stroke across the strings, wincing just the tiniest bit when I make a mistake.

  My fingers start to burn and I stop. “Can I ask you something, Wave?”

  “Yeah, man. You can ask me anything, you know that.”

  “How did you end up here?”

  He scratches his chin. Most of the men have beards but Wave’s is mostly just soft fuzz.

  “You mean here on this log with you or here at Saffron Freedom Community?”

  “The second thing.”

  “How does anyone end up here? It’s our destiny.”

  “Yeah, but was there a specific reason? Where did you live before this place?”

  “I grew up in Fresno. My parents weren’t bad people, but they were square and wanted me to get a job. I left home right out of high school to move closer to the ocean, where I learned to surf. You already know what that shark did to my leg.” He traces the scar on his thigh and smiles. “After the attack I gave up surfing and spent most days outside a coffee shop in Bodega Bay, singing for tips.”