Clover Blue

by Eldonna Edwards

  “I don’t blame you for being afraid of the ocean.”

  Wave slowly shakes his head. “Respect, not fear. It was a good lesson and I don’t need to learn it twice.” He strokes the neck of his beat-up guitar. “I taught myself how to play when I was your age. I had big dreams of becoming a famous singer either by myself or with a band. In the sixties, everybody and his brother was a folk singer so it wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.”

  “You’re really good, Wave. You should make a record.”

  He laughs. “I liked living in Bodega Bay. Lots of surfers and fishermen and beautiful girls in bikinis. It felt right.” He stops when a crow caws overhead. We both watch as the bird lifts from a tall branch above us, squawking.

  “So then how did you end up at SFC?”

  Wave grins. “One day this guy wearing some sort of robe-like getup sits across from me for hours, listens to every song, over and over until the shop closes. When I start to pack up he hands me a ten-dollar bill. Ten bucks! I’m shocked because this guy doesn’t look like he had ten cents let alone ten bills. I ask him what his story is and he says . . .” Wave stands so he’s facing me. “He bows like this and he says we’re brothers. I figure he’s high or crazy. But those eyes, man. I couldn’t look away, ya know?”

  I do know what it’s like not being able to look away from him. “It was Goji.”

  Wave nods. “He had this peace about him and I wanted it. I wanted it so bad. I was hungry and tired and lonely. He asked me if I wanted to join his community. I knew I needed a change in my life, and I definitely needed a place to sleep. I thought, what the heck, and followed him here. Willow was already living at SFC and we immediately knew we were soul mates. She taught me yoga to strengthen my leg where that shark took a chunk. Shortly after I got here, a whole bunch of people left, leaving only Doobie, Jade, Willow, Goji, and myself.”

  “And then you added me.”

  He smiles. “Yeah. And then you.”

  I kick at the log with my heel trying to sneak up on the next question, the one that’s been nagging at me more and more. The one I’m not supposed to ask.

  “Can you tell me more about that day?”

  He shakes his head. “You know we’re not supposed to talk about it.”

  “Goji promised he’d tell me the truth on my twelfth birthday. Then that new girl showed up and he got too busy or something.”

  Wave sighs. “It was the summer of nineteen sixty-seven. Goji was saying that we were a vortex of love. He told us that others would be swept up into the Love of our community. He promised our small family would expand, including children. It wasn’t long after that you appeared.”

  “Appeared?”

  He looks off toward the woods, his eyes watering. “You came out of nowhere, handed Willow a little white flower. We believed it was a sign. When I saw how you were with Goji, with all of us, I was convinced that it was true what he said about how you were seeking us and you found us. We all believed it.”

  “I came out of the woods? Was I lost?”

  “It’s all a little foggy now. . . .” He takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes.

  “Wave?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Do you ever think about leaving?”

  Wave puts his glasses back on and squats in front of me, looks me square in the face. “Never. This is my home.” He flicks his bangs. “Are you unhappy, Blue? Do you want to leave?”

  “No. Well, I mean, maybe someday. I’m a little curious about my other family. I mean, if I have one out there. . . .”

  Wave takes the guitar from me and leans it up against the log. He lays his big head on top of my knee. “I love you, little brother. You are my family.”

  “I love you, too.” And it’s true. I love him so much and suddenly I feel guilty about making him feel bad.

  Wave lifts his head. “You ready to split?”

  “You go ahead. I’ll be along in a bit.”

  He stands and throws the guitar over his shoulder. “Okay, man. You’re doing great. You really are. You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”

  When he’s out of sight I slide off the log and lie on my back on the ground to stare at the sky. I wonder if my birth mother or father is looking up at the same sky right now. I have no memory of anything before here. Sometimes when we’re in town at the library or the store, I hear a voice and it sounds familiar. Once in a while a smell reaches into my brain and tries to call up the past, but it’s always dark and flat. Maybe I don’t want to remember. Maybe it was bad. Or maybe it was so good it would hurt too much to remember.

  An ache rises in my chest. I close my eyes and breathe deeply, let it move through me, just like Goji has taught us. Be with your feelings, he says. But don’t let the bruises become permanent scars.

  A branch cracks in the huge live oak tree above me. When I open my eyes I can barely make out Goji staring down at me. I worry about how much of the conversation he overheard. Will he be disappointed in me for asking Wave about my past?

  Before I have a chance to say anything, footsteps crunch next to my head.

  “What are you doing?”

  I sit up and turn toward the voice. It’s the new girl. “Hey, Rain.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. I was just thinking about stuff.”

  “You looked sad.”

  “Nah, I’m fine.”

  She squats down next to me. Her formerly white tennis shoes have turned dirt color in just one day. She leans in closer, her face hovering over mine. That sweet smell again. Lavender? Wool?

  “You want to help me find kindling? Sirona says she needs it for the cook stove, but I should have someone go with me into the woods until I know my way around better.”

  I love that Rain has picked me to go with her, but I do my best to hide how good it makes me feel. “Sure,” I say, as casually as I can muster.

  The two of us walk farther into the trees. Rain catches me scanning the branches and stops. “What are you looking at?”

  Goji puts a finger to his lips.

  “Just a bird,” I say.

  4

  Harmony scratches her armpits and plants herself wide-legged, grinning, into what she announces is “monkey pose.” Willow throws her a stern look. I try to make eye contact with Harmony, hoping she’ll settle down. Instead, she beats her bare chest and grunts. I don’t know why she can’t seem to keep herself from pushing the Olders to the edge of tolerance of her antics.

  Willow frowns at Harmony. “Come on, sister. Rain is here to learn, not to play.” She points to Moon. “Even our six-year-old knows that.”

  Moon stays quiet, preferring to avoid drama, as usual. He’s a dedicated little yogi. It’s one of his favorite things.

  Harmony smiles innocently. “Goji says what we learn with joy we remember with joy.”

  Goji studied hatha yoga when he lived in India, but Willow learned from some woman down in Redondo. Goji stresses less trying and just simply doing. With him we can get away with giggling. He says the asana are yoga of the body and that laughter is yoga of the soul. Willow has a different opinion about that.

  “Goji wants Rain to get used to our community activities. This is my teaching session, not his. Respect, sister.”

  Harmony drops her arms and sighs. “Sorry.”

  Willow moves closer to Harmony’s reed mat and asks her to step off. When she bends forward her braid falls over her shoulder and sweeps the dirt. She straightens Harmony’s mat so it’s exactly in line with mine and Moon and Rain’s, then walks back to her mat, standing tall in mountain pose to start off the lesson. Willow brings her hands together and touches her fingertips to her chin. She bows slightly toward Rain to my left, then me, then Harmony, and finally, Moon. The three of us bow back. Rain gives us a cautious sideways glance and folds her hands. She interlaces her fingers and bows deeply from her waist.

  I step sideways and untwine her fingers so they point upward, flat against each other. “Like this,�
� I say, demonstrating a shallow bow that is more like a nod than a bend.

  Rain’s cheeks flush.

  “Don’t worry,” I tell her. “Goji’s always saying we’re all beginners.”

  Willow smiles at me. “Thank you, Clover Blue.”

  Harmony mouths, “Thank you, Clover Blue,” using her bratty teacher’s pet face. I ignore her. I’m on Willow’s side for this one. Rain seems really sweet, and I can tell this is a little nerve-wracking for her.

  Willow extends her hands toward Rain so she can see them better. “The way we hold our hands is called a mudra. This is the ‘greeting mudra’ meant to show recognition of each other.”

  Rain nods shyly.

  “Okay now, deep breath and raise your hands over your head, tighten your butt, and open your chest.” As she speaks, Willow moves into tree pose, arching her back so far she looks like the letter C. We all follow suit, including Rain, who does surprisingly well for her first time.“Now exhale and bend forward as far as you’re able.” Willow blows out dramatically, folding forward until her head is flat against her shins and grabs her ankles. Even after nine years of yoga, I can only bend far enough to grab my calves. Rain has her hands flat on the ground next to her feet. I nudge Harmony, whose eyes go wide.

  Willow’s brows furrow just the slightest bit. Keeping an eye on Rain this time, she says, “Inhale deeply and move into a lunge, pressing the heel of your foot into the ground and lengthening your spine. Exhale and bring your other foot back. Explore the place between comfort and discomfort, and exist there.”

  Rain’s movements are fluid and her posture is nearly perfect. Willow guides us into cobra, then downward dog and another lunge before coming back to forward fold and finishing in mountain pose. Rain mirrors each pose gracefully, arching, stretching, and breathing as though she’s done this a thousand times. Her hands follow each move, curling and unfolding like underwater wings.

  Willow bows. “Namaste,” she says, then drops her arms and shakes them out.

  “Namaste,” we say back.

  Rain turns toward me and whispers, “What does Namaste mean?”

  “It means ‘I recognize you as my other,’ or something like that. It’s a term of mutual respect.”

  “I get it. Kind of like ‘Amen’ in church.”

  Willow moves between Rain and me, still in teacher mode. “Not exactly, Rain. Amen means you agree. Namaste means you acknowledge the Divine in each other.”

  Rain nods. “Oh. I see.”

  Willow helps Rain roll up her borrowed mat. “You did really well except for the hands. Try to follow the poses with intention and boldness rather than grace.”

  “Sorry. Force of habit.”

  “You’ve done yoga before?”

  “No, but I took ballet and gymnastics ever since third grade.”

  Harmony playfully slaps Willow on the back. “She could teach us a thing or two!”

  Willow’s smile takes effort but she eventually finds it. She rolls up her own mat and rests it on her nearly straight hip. “Maybe we’ll try firefly pose next time.”

  Moon jerks his head up from where he was studying an ant hill in the dirt. “Whoa, that’s a hard one!”

  Rain smiles at Willow. “Thank you for the lesson. I’d love to learn anything you can show me.”

  * * *

  After yoga Harmony and I head straight to the community clothing box. We’ve been planning a long hike for this afternoon. We’ve grown up running around naked for the most part but we always put on clothes when we leave the community boundary. I’m wearing cutoffs that used to be jeans, but got too short after I shot up two inches over the summer.

  Harmony snickers as she picks through the box, looking for something to wear. “Willow is so jealous of Rain.”

  I scratch a string of bug bites on the top of my foot. “Why would she be jealous?”

  “Why do you think? Because Goji pays so much attention to her.”

  “Because she’s new!”

  “And young. And gorgeous.”

  Harmony slips a Jimi Hendrix T-shirt over her head. It fits like a dress on her. She kicks the clothing box back inside the old teepee. “Let’s explore the caves we saw last week on the other side of the creek.”

  I sling my pack over one shoulder, glad she’s changed the subject away from Rain. “Maybe we’ll find some of those cave paintings Doobie told us about.”

  She grins. “Or a live bear instead of a dead one.”

  I laugh and agree, pretending to shrug off her comment, but now I’m having second thoughts about the caves. Sometimes we catch frogs in the creeks and let them go. Sometimes we look for Indian arrowheads. One time we found a dead bear. But live bears could have cubs, and one thing we’ve learned from the Olders is that this is about the most dangerous situation we could ever come upon. I double-check to make sure I have the safety whistle in my pack. Might not scare off a bear but it could buy us some time if we run into one.

  Harmony and I stop to check in with Jade as she hangs laundry on a thin rope strung between two posts near the garden. We pretty much get to do what we want once our chores are done and there aren’t any scheduled learning sessions with the Olders. Goji says each day and every single moment is an opportunity for learning and we should always look for the lesson. We’re free to explore as long as we tell at least one person where we’re going, we’re back before sunset, and we contribute a learning aspect of our exploration with the family during sharing time after dinner. This is never a problem because we always learn something and usually have a hard time deciding which thing to share.

  Jade waves as we get closer. When she bends to get something out of the laundry basket two-year-old Aura tries to latch onto her mom’s dangling boobs for a drink. Jade hands Aura a clothespin to play with and quickly pins a peasant skirt to the line. As soon as she reaches for the next thing out of the basket, Aura does it again. It’s pretty funny to watch.

  Harmony lifts Aura and props her on her hip. “Blue and I are going to explore the caves on the other side of Salmon Creek.”

  Jade stabs a clothespin onto a frayed dish towel. A row of copper P.O.W. bracelets slides up her skinny arm to her elbow. She started with just one, engraved with the name of Coyote’s brother, Leroy Jackson. Over the years she kept adding more soldiers.

  “Okay, but be back in time for dinner.” She reaches for Aura, who immediately latches onto the closest nipple.

  Harmony and I run past the tree house and scramble up the steep hill behind the SFC boundary. The sooner we’re out of sight, the less chance one of the Olders will decide to hold a spontaneous learning session or ask us to help with a chore. I grab Harmony’s hand and pull her up the last bit. We wipe the dirt off our hands and start down the path that she and I have created over the past several years. The older we get, the longer the path gets.

  We stop halfway to the creek for a pee. I manage to write most of my name in the dirt and she laughs.

  “Show-off!” She finishes her pee and stands. “Did you remember the water?”

  I open my leather pack and offer her the mason jar. She takes a few small sips and hands it back. I gulp down half the jar. Partly because I’m thirsty and partly because it’s less weight to carry. Our pack is already crammed with a notebook, pens, a field guide, a compass, Harmony’s sketchpad, a flashlight, two PB&J sandwiches, and the whistle.

  It takes us almost an hour to reach the narrow part of Salmon Creek. We leap across stones to get to the other side. Harmony stands on the bank and shields her eyes for a better look at the distant caves. “Do you think there might be bats in there?”

  I know she’s not asking because she’s afraid. She wants to draw them.

  “Probably. Hopefully, they’ll be sleeping this time of day.”

  She takes off running in the direction of the dark holes on the side of the rocky hills and I chase after her. I let her beat me because it’s too hot to run the full distance and my long hair is already sticking to my bac
k. By the time I catch up to Harmony she’s bent over in front of the cave, peeking into the largest opening.

  She frowns. “It looked bigger from far away. The dark rocks fooled me.”

  I drop to my knees next to her. “I think we’ll have to go one at a time.”

  When she doesn’t budge I take it to mean she wants me to go first. I pull the flashlight from my pack and crawl through the entrance, leaving my bag outside. I only have to go a few feet before I can stand, but that’s all there is, just this little room.

  I yell behind me, “Come on in!”

  Harmony joins me in the rock-walled space. I shine the flashlight around the circle. “Looks like this is as deep as it goes.”

  She snatches the flashlight out of my hand and shines it on the ceiling, looking disappointed. “Bummer.”

  I make a swipe for the flashlight but she holds it out of reach. “Wait!” She aims it at the far corner. “See that? I think we can squeeze through that tall slit in the wall.”

  I follow the beam of light and measure the small opening against my body size. “Maybe. Maybe if we slide in sideways.”

  “Try it!”

  Harmony’s small for her age. If I can fit through, it’ll be a cinch for her. I push my left shoulder through the opening. The wall is a little slimy, which helps me slip through. On the other side I find several tunnels heading off in different directions. Light has reached the cave from somewhere above.

  I call out to my sister, “You coming?”

  She pokes her head in first and slowly rotates it to locate me before squeezing the rest of the way through. It reminds me a little of baby Aura coming out of Jade a couple years ago.

  I point out the tunnels, one by one. “Ladies first.”

  She grins. “Age before beauty.”

  I’m only a couple months older than Harmony and I rarely miss a chance to remind her. This is one of those times she gets to use it against me.

  The rocks bite into my knees as we slowly crawl forward. Harmony is so close behind me I can feel her breath on my bare feet. And then I fart. Not on purpose, it just comes out.