Clover Blue

by Eldonna Edwards

  Gaia looks around the table. Nobody says a word. I feel Harmony trembling next to me before she stands.

  “I don’t want to go! This is my family.”

  Gaia’s face pinches into a pained look of guilt. “I know. I’m so sorry. It would only be for a little while until they’re convinced that we’ve left. Then you can come back.”

  “They’ll just come looking for me up there.”

  “Highly unlikely. But if they do I’ll say you ran away. Nobody will care, trust me. They’re understaffed and underpaid. We’re just a small bug in their huge web of bureaucracy.”

  Harmony sits back down and buries her head in her hands. Sirona puts an arm around Harmony and pulls her close.

  I set down my fork. “There has to be another way. Why can’t Gaia leave and we can hide Harmony?”

  “No. It’s too risky,” Willow says. She looks at Gaia. “When do you have to leave?”

  “The sooner the better. This weekend.”

  Harmony pulls away from Sirona and rubs her eyes with her sleeve, then slowly gets up and walks away from the table. When I start to stand Goji stops me.

  “Let her go. She needs to walk this out. We’ll be here for her when she’s ready to process.”

  I’m worried about Harmony but he might be right. I sit back down.

  Gaia drops her head to the table. I feel bad for her, I really do. She was always my favorite sister-mother. But it’s no wonder Harmony doesn’t trust her. For all the fun she brings, it comes with a price. Usually a big one. We’ve always been taught to re-channel our anger into love. Right now it’s all I can do not to scream at Gaia for being so selfish. I can’t imagine not having Harmony here. Not even for a few days, let alone weeks or months.

  * * *

  Several hours pass and Harmony still hasn’t come back. She’s not in her room or anywhere nearby. Not in our hollow tree. Not under her favorite willow. I even checked the chicken coop and Sunny’s little house. By dinnertime, people start to worry. Gaia finds me cross-legged in my room trying to vibe Harmony into coming home.

  She sits on the edge of my mattress. “Will you go look for her?”

  Anger and frustration overtake any desire to be kind to Gaia. I open my eyes. “Why? So you can take her away?”

  “I’ll bring her back in a few months.”

  “How do I know that? Or that you’ll take good care of her?”

  She touches my knee. “Of course I’ll take good care of her. I love her.”

  “I found your needle, Gaia.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “In your car. I found a syringe. I accidentally stabbed myself with it.”

  She rolls her eyes. “Must have been that hitchhiker I picked up. I knew he was bad news. I gave him a ride because I needed gas money.”

  I just stare at her.

  “Look, I know I screwed up. But it’ll be much worse if they take her. She’d be in foster care until she turns eighteen.”

  “You’ve really changed, Gaia. I don’t trust you anymore.”

  “I promise I’ll take care of her, Blue. Please give me another chance to prove it.”

  I can’t bear the idea of Harmony in some terrible foster home with strangers. As much as I hate the idea, leaving with Gaia now would be better than losing Harmony completely.

  * * *

  I’m pretty sure I know where to find Harmony. I wait until no one’s watching and grab some food for her, then head out on the trail along the creek. I walk past our favorite oak and beyond the redwood grove through the abandoned apple orchard. When I reach the cave entrance I fish the flashlight from the bottom of my pack. I crawl through the opening and turn on the light.

  “Harmony?”

  I shine the beam toward the far tunnel, crawling on my hands and knees until I reach the spot where there’s room enough to stand. “Harmony? Are you in there?” I point the light toward the crack in the wall. “Please answer me.”

  I listen for her but all I hear is water dripping from the wall to a small puddle on the ground. Turning sideways, I push myself into the opening. For a second I panic, thinking I’m stuck, but then a hand reaches for mine and pulls me through to the other side.

  “Why didn’t you answer me?”

  “Because I don’t want to leave.”

  “I don’t want you to leave either. But if you don’t . . .”

  She slides down the wall and hugs her knees to her chest. “I know.”

  “Your mom promised me she’d bring you back in a couple of months.”

  “Ruth makes a lot of promises she can’t keep.”

  I move next to Harmony and squat beside her. She takes the flashlight from my hands and shines it on the wall next to the opening where we squeezed through. Our names are still there.

  “Seems like forever ago,” she says.

  “Just a little over two years.”

  “Sirona told me you tried to carry me half a mile after I got bit by that snake.”

  “You passed out. I was so afraid of losing you.”

  Harmony starts to cry and I take her hand. “Look, I hate that the only way to fix this mess is for you to go with Gaia. I swear if she doesn’t bring you back by fall I’ll come get you myself.”

  She turns off the flashlight and rests her head on my shoulder. “I love you, Blue.”

  * * *

  My heart feels like a rock in my chest when Gaia and Harmony pull away in the rusty VW bug the next morning. Harmony watches from the back window as the rest of us gather around each other, weeping. We close the circle right there and then. With our arms around each other’s waists, Goji starts the blessing.

  “Thank you for the privilege of including Gaia and Harmony in this family. We infuse our sisters with Love and Light. We surround them in a shield of protection. And although we understand that it is not ours to map their individual journeys, we look forward to the day we widen this circle to welcome them once again. Thank you, Gaia. Thank you, Harmony.”

  We answer together, “Thank you, Gaia. Thank you, Harmony.”

  Despite all the promises of her return, each one of us understands very clearly that there’s a chance we could never see them again. They’ve taken many risks here at Saffron Freedom Community, the greatest one being the day of my arrival. But this day feels harder than any other. Harder than when Coyote was captured. Harder than when Gaia left the first time. Harder than I think I can bear.

  31

  It’s only been a week since Harmony and Gaia left and already we’re losing another member. On the day of Gaia’s appointment at social services Lotus had planned to tell us she was leaving SFC, but she didn’t have the heart.

  “Berkeley accepted me.” Lotus tucks a college brochure into The Book and passes it to Doobie. “I’m going back to school to get my art degree.”

  Sirona claps her hands together. “That’s wonderful news, sister!”

  Doobie’s face drops. No sooner had Gaia left than he’d tried to get back into Lotus’s good graces. Doobie is a patient man and I think he figured he could wait out her jealousy. He tries to smile but ends up looking like a sad clown. “Good for you, Lotus.”

  Doobie passes The Book to me without adding anything to it. I open to the back page and find Harmony’s last entry. It’s a detailed drawing of shapely lips, dated the day of our first awkward kiss. I feel my cheeks blush and quickly close the cover. I’d give anything to relive that kiss. I’ve played it over so many times in my head. The second one, too. I can’t stop thinking about her.

  Moon pushes his glasses up his nose and sighs. “Why is everybody leaving?”

  “Life isn’t static, little brother,” Goji says. “It’s constantly shifting and moving. Our job is to learn to dance with the changes and alter our lives accordingly. If everything stayed the same we’d never grow.”

  Aura wiggles in her seat. “I like to dance.”

  Jade kisses the top of her head. “You’re a beautiful dancer.”

&nb
sp; * * *

  We build a big bonfire to honor Lotus. I sit on the sidelines and stare into the flames, kicking at the dirt with my bare feet. People start twirling and singing along with Van Morrison, Janice Joplin, the Rolling Stones, and CCR. Harmony would have loved this. She lived for our bonfire dances, where she would rock out, dancing like a crazy person with her hair over her face and her arms flapping like a fledgling bird.

  Rain takes one of my hands and tries to pull me to my feet. I shake my head.

  “Come on, Blue. She wouldn’t want you to be moping around during the party.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t feel like dancing.”

  Rain sits next to me on the log and drapes an arm over my bare shoulders. “She’ll be back.”

  “I know.”

  But I don’t know. I have no idea if they made it to Portland or, knowing Gaia, got side-tracked along the way.

  Goji skips over to where we’re sitting and pulls Rain to her feet. They dance away, leaving me to sulk alone. The party goes past midnight until “Going Up the Country” starts playing and everyone dances around Lotus. She looks at me from the center of the group, her long gray-streaked hair like billows of smoke around her face. She curls her finger, inviting me to join them. When I shake my head she puts her hands on her hips and shimmies, just like Harmony used to do. I can’t help but grin. I walk toward the group and slowly join in. Closing my eyes, I imagine Harmony dancing wildly beside me and lose myself in the music.

  * * *

  In the morning we close the circle for a second time in as many weeks. I’m tired of all the good-byes. I’m tired of feeling sad. I go through the motions with the rest of them but quietly leave the group before Lotus drives away. I climb up the tree house ladder and sit in the room that Harmony shared with Lotus. It’s empty except for a mattress, some art supplies, and a few scattered books. I pick up a dog-eared copy of A Wrinkle in Time and fan through the pages. Harmony loves this book even more than I do.

  We used to imagine ourselves soaring through time and space, looking down on our family. We’d pretend we were invisible, hiding and watching from every nook and cranny we could find. A slip of paper falls out of the book. Harmony has sketched the Black Thing from the story, blotting out the stars. The features are distorted but I easily recognize the high cheekbones and toothy smile of Gaia. It hurts my heart to see how much Harmony resented the person who gave her life. I tuck the drawing back into the book and shove it between the mattress and the wall. As I do, my hand makes contact with Boo-Boo, the soft bear she carried on the day she arrived.

  Gaia and Coyote both showed up after our trip to Woodstock. I don’t recall which one of them got here first, but I remember Harmony running out from behind her mother’s legs to give me a hug. Unlike me, she was used to being around strangers. She grabbed my hand and said, “Let’s go play!” so I took her to see our new chickens. She wasn’t the least bit afraid. She cornered one of the hens, picked it up, and kissed it. “I love you!” she said, and squeezed the squawking bird before letting it go and chasing after the next one. From that day on I’ve spent as much time as possible trying to absorb her courage, her bright fire.

  I stare out the window toward the path behind the tree house where Harmony and I set out on hundreds of adventures over the past nine years. Holding the tattered bear under my nose, I breathe in a decade of her smells. I can’t believe she left her beloved Boo-Boo behind. Maybe she stashed him here knowing I’d find him. Maybe this is her way of promising she’ll be back. I listen for sounds of anyone else in the tree house, but other than the breeze rocking the creakiest boards, the rooms are silent. I carry the bear back to my room and hide it under my pillow.

  * * *

  A shrill scream wakes me from a colorful dream and I bolt upright in my bed. The sun hasn’t set yet but the light is low. I must have napped for a couple of hours. It takes me a moment to get my bearings. The cowbell clangs over and over like an album stuck in one groove. This is not a dinner gong. I’ve learned from past drills not to come running without first assessing the danger, so I hunker down by my window and slowly inch toward the frame to see what all the commotion is about.

  Willow and Sirona are jumping up and down, hugging each other as Willow jangles the cowbell above their heads. In the distance I spot Jade’s small frame running toward the road. Her bare feet kick up dust behind her long skirt as she races toward the gate. Aura chases close behind her. I climb down the ladder just as Wave approaches from the east side of the sauna, where he was stacking wood. Goji appears in front of his shack. Even from here I can see the smile spread across his face. Rain stands in the garden next to Doobie, one hand over her brow trying to see what the commotion is about. Doobie let’s out a whoop and chases behind Aura. Maybe Gaia has already brought Harmony back.

  Please let it be true.

  I scramble down the ladder and run behind Doobie. And then I see him, all six feet two inches, as Coyote lifts Jade and twirls her around and around. When he sets her down she pats his face, her hands shaking.

  “It’s really you. Aura, look, he’s back! I told you he’d be back!”

  Coyote scoops up Aura and presses his face to her cheek, then throws her up on his shoulders. Her grin broadens as she latches onto his hair. “Yo-Ye!” she shouts, the name she’s called him from the time she first learned to speak. Coyote playfully pinches Aura’s bare feet one at a time and kisses her toes. With one arm around Jade and one holding Aura’s right leg, he walks toward the family that has gathered to greet him.

  We all have a million questions, but he answers them patiently.

  “Did they let you off for a visit? Do you have to go back? Did you escape?” So many voices I lose track of who asked what.

  “They sentenced me to five years. President Carter pardoned draft dodgers shortly after I went to Leavenworth. But I did eight months before they let me out.” He turns toward Goji. “Thank you for the letters you wrote. Maybe your lawyer daddy was right about you shoulda gone to law school. Whatever you wrote, it worked.”

  Goji embraces Coyote. “Welcome back, brother.”

  I know so little about Goji’s past. Only that he’s from the East Coast and traveled to India. I can’t picture him as a lawyer. I can’t even imagine him wearing a suit.

  After evening meditation we surround Coyote, chanting. He turns to face each of us one at a time. With our right hands over our hearts we press our left hand against his, one by one. When he reaches the end Goji opens the circle. Coyote take’s Goji’s hand on the left and Jade’s on the right.

  “Welcome home,” Goji says.

  “Welcome home,” we all say together, closing the circle once again.

  * * *

  Rain has taken Aura for the night to give Jade and Coyote some privacy. Doobie is already asleep in his hammock in our room. I envy his easy peace. As I lie in the darkness, quiet conversation turns to soft moans coming from Jade’s room. I turn toward the wall, shielding myself from the sliver of jealousy for Jade and Coyote’s happy reunion. In my head I chant the om over and over until my mind settles down. The family is finally quiet except for Doobie’s deep-sleep breathing.

  32

  August 1978

  It’s been a month since Harmony and Gaia left and still no word from either of them. Every time we go into Freestone for supplies or gas I make sure to tag along so I can check the mail. I don’t understand it. Harmony promised to write. Either something is wrong or Goji is intercepting their letters. I’ve already decided that if I don’t hear from one of them by next month I’ll go look for her myself.

  “Blue!” Wave’s voice startles me. He runs up behind me and flips the lever on the pump. “We only have five bucks budgeted for gas this week.”

  I look at the numbers on the pump: $7.43. “Sorry.”

  Wave playfully yanks a fistful of my hair. “Where were you anyway?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean you were staring off in space so far I
thought you were searching for the man in the moon.”

  “I was just thinking.”

  Wave grins. “I’ll bet you $2.43 you were thinking about a certain sister and her mother.”

  I plug the gas handle into the slot. “You got it half right.”

  I walk toward the store to check the mail. I’ve saved it for last in order to hold off more disappointment. Sirona stops me on her way out of the store. “There you are! I have a letter. . . .”

  I snatch the envelope out of her hand before she can finish.

  “Hey! That was rude.”

  “Sorry.” I turn the envelope over to read the return address.

  “There isn’t one. I already looked.”

  But the handwriting is familiar. Not to mention little hand-drawn paw prints tracking to the back side and a drawing of Sunny. I sniff the envelope. It smells like weed and patchouli. I want to tear it open right there in the store but I play it cool and stuff it in my jeans pocket.

  Sirona’s eyes widen. “Aren’t you going to open it?”

  “Maybe later.”

  As soon as we’re back at Saffron Freedom Community I make a lame excuse about having to use the bathroom and pretend like I’m headed to the outhouse. I know it’s too dark to read inside so I sit behind it, leaning up against the back wall to read Harmony’s letter. I carefully tear open the end and slip out a folded sheet of sketch paper with handwriting on it. When I unfold it a wilted flower falls out. Clover. I tuck it behind my ear and begin to read.

  Dear Blue,

  I’m sorry it took me so long to write. Ruth brought me to a Rainbow Gathering where people camp out in the wilderness and we stayed a while. I think she figured nobody would find us in the woods. This is the first time we’ve been near a place to mail you a letter.

  The Rainbow thing was actually kind of fun. I met some really cool people but also a few weirdos—mostly Deadheads. People were tripping their heads off. I ate mushrooms (don’t get mad!) but only a tiny bit and holy mother of mermaids you would not believe the art I made while I was tripping. I didn’t tell Ruth of course because she’d have been pissed off, but I was bored and figured it might be fun to find out what everyone raves about. All I can say is it’s no wonder Willow thought you were her unborn child. I saw things I’ve never seen in real life. Like, people’s cells inside their bodies and the brilliant colors and I saw YOU. Crazy I know but it turned out to be this guy who kind of looks like you but (obviously) wasn’t. Anyway it made me happy to see the not-you because it reminded me of the is-you. Does that make sense?