Clover Blue

by Eldonna Edwards

  We’re in Portland finally. I hid our address inside the envelope flap so nobody but you would see it. Ruth says we can stay here with her boyfriend until enough time has passed for things to have settled down. Her old man seems nice, believe it or not. He owns an import business. The outside of our apartment building is really ugly but he decorated his place with all this rattan and totems and stuff so it feels like an island cottage. There’s a padded chair shaped like a bowl called a papasan that two people can sit in at the same time. He has a black cat named Rita that he found by a parking meter. HAHA!

  I have my own bedroom and Mark—that’s Gaia’s boyfriend—took me to JC Penny’s and bought me a bunch of clothes. He took us to a fancy Chinese restaurant and I ate like a pig. I can tell he likes me, but I don’t plan on staying here long. It’s nice and all but I miss all of you.

  Especially you.

  Xoxo,

  Harmony

  PS: Did you find Boo-Boo?

  I fold up the letter and slide it back into the envelope. I try to imagine Harmony in an apartment with walls, a flush toilet, and a warm heater. My memories of her are so different; running around naked as kids, climbing trees, the two of us barking together along with the distant coyotes under a full moon. The Harmony I know has tangled hair, dirt under her fingernails, and a smile that always makes you wonder what she’s up to. She would hate living in an apartment surrounded by pavement and traffic. And she would miss us so badly she’d be begging Gaia to take her back home tomorrow, not a month from now.

  On the other side of the outhouse, a door swings open then bangs shut. Inside, I hear someone puking. Listening to other people throw up always makes me feel like throwing up, too, so I jump to my feet to get some distance. I stuff Harmony’s letter in my pocket and start to walk away until I hear crying along with the heaving and I instantly know who it is. I look around to see if anyone else is close enough to help, but everyone is out of sight.

  I walk back toward the outhouse and knock on the door. “You okay in there?”

  The door opens and Rain stumbles out. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.

  “Are you sick?”

  She looks at me and blinks away tears. “I’m pregnant.”

  I don’t know what to say so I don’t say anything.

  Rain grabs my arm. “Walk with me?”

  We start toward the tree house, but when we get to the ladder she looks up and shakes her head. We keep walking, past the tree, past the chickens, into the field beyond the boundary of our property. When we get to an outcropping of boulders she sits on one of them, and folds her hands in her lap. I sit on a rock facing her. I’m afraid of saying something stupid so I wait for her to talk first.

  Rain looks away then back to me. “Blue, I lied.”

  “Wait. You’re not pregnant?”

  “No. I mean yes, I’m pregnant, but I lied about other stuff.”

  “You mean about your age? I don’t think that matters. Goji says age is relative. He’s treated me like an equal from the time I was able to talk.”

  At the sound of Goji’s name she flinches, just a little. She sits up straight, tilting her face toward the sun, eyes closed. The circles under her eyes look like little shadows.

  “We’re all about truth here but my stories are all lies. I’m not from Salinas.”

  “I don’t care if you came from the North Pole. Why does that even matter?”

  She opens her eyes. Her lower lip starts to tremble. “There’s more. My stepfather didn’t beat me. I don’t even have a stepfather. Gaia blurted that out to cover for me. The truth is, I did a bad thing and I ran away from it.”

  “I can’t imagine you doing anything that horrible. You’re the nicest person I’ve ever met.”

  Rain shakes her head slowly. “I killed somebody.” She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “Wow. That’s the first time I’ve said it out loud.”

  I reach for her hand. “Are you serious?”

  She nods. “Yeah. It was an accident but I killed him.”

  “Do you want to talk about it? I mean, if it would make you feel better to let it all out I’m a really good listener.”

  She smiles at me through tears. “I’ve already said too much.”

  “You said it was an accident. We all do stupid things. We all make mistakes.”

  “But I keep on making them.”

  “What do you mean? You’re part of our family now. That’s not a mistake.”

  “I told Goji I was on the pill. But I didn’t take them. I wanted to get pregnant. I wanted a baby. I want to be loved.”

  “I don’t get it. We love you. Why would you . . .”

  “Betray him? Because I’m stupid, that’s why. It was selfish.”

  “Does he know about the baby?”

  “I’ve been throwing up every day for a week. I think he’s just waiting for me to say it out loud.”

  “He’ll forgive you. I know him.”

  “Maybe.” She stands and looks toward the community. “But I’m not sure I deserve it.”

  33

  I’d written Harmony back immediately after the last letter to say how relieved I was to hear she was safe. Rain swore me to secrecy about her pregnancy so I didn’t share that bit of news in my letter. Or how badly I’ve missed her. I was afraid of sounding clingy or desperate. Mostly I tried to get her to ask Gaia for an actual date they’ll return. Things just aren’t the same without Harmony around. Less shenanigans. Less laughter. Less of all the things I look forward to when I get up every morning.

  I read her new letter in the back of the car on our way home from Freestone. It’s hot so we have the windows down and I have to grip the page so it won’t blow away.

  Dear Blue,

  Since my last letter things have changed. For one thing I’m a lot cleaner. HaHa. You don’t realize how good other people have it until you soak in a steaming bath on a cool night or turn on the air conditioning during the hot afternoon. Crazy, right? Ruth says she might marry this cat. I’m not convinced. The other night we were eating pizza in front of the TV and she passed out. Not like falling asleep, she was out cold and drooling. I’m pretty sure she’s still using behind Mark’s back. I think he knows it, but he pretends everything is cool so she won’t leave again.

  I’m starting to get bored. I asked Ruth if she’d take me back to SFC. She said I need to enroll in school this month. Like that will happen in a million years. Mark is being all fatherly like and it’s sweet, but he overdoes it. When he put his arm around me on the sofa the other night I moved to the chair. I’m not looking for a father. I probably hurt his feelings. Not even close to the hurt Ruth will put on him the next time she goes full gypsy on him. Pretty sure it’s just a matter of time.

  Anyway I’m going to keep working on her. If she doesn’t agree by the end of the month I’ll just borrow some money from Mark’s wallet and take a bus back. I can’t wait to see everyone again.

  Xoxo,

  Harmony

  PS: Happy Belated 14th Birthday! I have a gift for you but I want to give it to you in person.

  On the back of the letter she drew a cartoon-like picture of Gaia sleeping on a sofa with her arm hanging over the edge, still holding a slice of pizza. If it weren’t so sad I’d have laughed.

  “Why don’t you read it out loud?” Willow asks from the front of the station wagon. She’s leaning back against the ripped front seat with her bare feet sticking out the window.

  Wave adjusts the rearview mirror and grins at me. He’s been spending a lot more time at the beach now that he’s surfing again and his tan makes him look handsome but crinkly from so much sun.

  “She just says she’ll be home soon.”

  He turns to glance quickly at the page in my hands. “She uses a lot of words to say so little.”

  I don’t answer him. If she wanted me to read it out loud she’d have addressed it to all of us.

  * * *

  When we get back home I walk towa
rd the Czech’s fence, where I can get some privacy to reread Harmony’s letter. I stop when I get near the Sacred Space. We should start calling it the Wasted Space. Ever since people moved into shared bedrooms nobody goes in here anymore. Willow and Wave sleep in the teepee. Coyote moved into Jade’s room. Even Rain spends more time in Goji’s shack than in her room.

  I look around and I don’t see anybody so I sneak through the door. The wood floor is covered in rugs and pillows. Half-melted candles, some stuck into wine bottles, line the curved wall. I try not to think about Harmony’s description of all the grunting and humping, but it’s pretty much all I can picture now that it’s entered my mind. I wonder how many of them did it at once, how often they switched partners, and what the women did together. I know the biology of men and women and I can imagine what it might be like for two men but I’m too embarrassed to ask how it works with two girls.

  I shake the thoughts from my head and sit cross-legged on the cleanest rug near the far end of the yurt. I wonder if Goji would let me take over this space. I could get a dresser and a desk at the thrift store. Maybe a new bed and a bookcase. I’d finally have some privacy instead of sharing a room with Doobie. I love Doobie but he smells like BO. And he mumbles in his sleep. Even if Goji is okay with it I’d need the whole family’s permission. And sacred or not I’d definitely want Goji to sage the place first, knowing its history.

  I’ve just finished reading Harmony’s letter for the third time when I hear someone calling me. I slip through a tear in the canvas on the back side of the Scared Space and dart into the woods. When I’m parallel with the dining area I walk out from under the trees.

  Jade approaches, holding a small bag of flour. “I’ve been looking for you.”

  “I went for a walk.”

  She balances the bag on one hip. “I need some milk for the recipe I’m making.”

  “I thought Rain milked this morning.”

  “She started to, but she got sick. I think she has the flu or something.”

  Rain obviously still hasn’t told her secret. “I’ll do it.”

  “Thanks, Blue. You two always get the most milk from the nannies.”

  * * *

  I grab a bucket and follow the sound of Inga’s and Greta’s belled collars. I find them in the field behind the chicken coop. Rain sits nearby, watching them graze.

  “Sorry I couldn’t finish milking. I feel better now.”

  I cluck my tongue and Inga walks slowly toward me, her bag nearly bursting. “Don’t worry about it. You just relax.”

  Rain draws her knees upward and leans back on her hands. Her white-blond hair is swept up with a few stray hairs falling down around her face. She may be a pregnant teenager, but she still looks like an angel to me.

  I easily fill half a bucket after relieving Inga’s overfull bag. She skips off and I move to Greta, who impatiently marches in place as I tug.

  “I wonder what it will be like?” Rain says.

  “What will be like?”

  “Being full of milk like that. Feeding a baby.”

  I pat Greta on the rump and throw a towel over the bucket to keep the flies out. She leaps onto a boulder and “bahs” before springing away.

  “You’re asking the wrong person. Sirona and Jade both nursed their kids. Sometimes each other’s kid. You should talk to them.”

  Rain folds forward and drops her head to her knees.

  “You still haven’t told anyone you’re pregnant?”

  She shakes her head without lifting it. “Sirona probably has figured it out by now. I’ve been wearing baggy clothes and I haven’t asked for her special moon tea in months.”

  “Do you want me to tell them? I could make an announcement at dinner.”

  She looks up, propping her chin on her knees. “Would you?”

  “Do you know when you’re due?”

  “Early December, I think.”

  I do the math in my head. “About four more months.”

  “Give or take,” she says, smiling for the first time since we ran into each other.

  When she stands, the light shines through her thin sundress, highlighting the swell of her belly.

  “Have you been to a doctor?”

  She shakes her head. “I want to do this alone.”

  “You won’t be alone. Sirona’s a good midwife. She’ll take care of you.”

  The dinner bell rings in the distance. I carry the pail in one hand and hold Rain’s hand in the other as we walk toward the others, gathered around the table.

  When everybody’s seated I clear my throat. “I have an announcement.”

  Goji smiles. “If you wouldn’t mind waiting, Blue, I have one I’d like to make first.” He raises his glass of lemonade and smiles at Rain. “Saffron Freedom Community is expecting a new addition to the family.”

  We all turn and look at Rain. Her mouth drops open. “I’m sorry, I was going to . . .”

  Goji raises his glass of lemonade higher, cutting off Rain’s apology. “Rain and I are excited to welcome a child, sister or brother to all of us, a new being created with love.”

  Everyone clinks glasses, hooting and cheering as Rain’s cheeks blush a bright pink. Jade and Sirona surround Rain, patting her stomach and hugging her. I look across the table at Willow, who smiles weakly. Wave pulls her close. He playfully nibbles her earlobe and whispers to her. She moves to join the other women. “I’m happy for you,” she says to Rain. “For all of us.”

  We noisily finish our meal before passing The Book around the table. I hand The Book to Rain, who writes, Goji and Rain’s baby conceived in deepest love. The Book makes it back around to Goji and he reads her words, his brows furrowed. A tear spills out of his left eye onto the ink, blurring the words on the page. He looks up and holds his arms out. Rain joins him at the head of the table. He leans his head into her belly and sobs like a baby.

  Doobie elbows me and whispers, “What was your announcement?”

  I wave him off. “It can wait until tomorrow.”

  34

  October 1978

  This is the fifth time I’ve tried the sweat thing, hoping I get to that place the others talk about where all the toxins leave and you feel rebirthed. So far I only feel hot and it’s hard to breathe. I’m completely drenched and the sweat is starting to drip off my nose. I study Goji’s face, his eyes closed, sweat glowing on his skinny body. If he weren’t sitting up I’d think he was asleep.

  I know I’m supposed to be meditating but thoughts keep interrupting my mind. Thoughts about Harmony. I’ve written several letters with no reply. Nobody has heard from Gaia either. Gaia has a history of making poor choices. I keep reminding myself that Harmony is a warrior, and she’ll fight her way out of any bad situation her mother might put her in. But the waiting is agony.

  I wonder if my first family felt like this, not knowing if their child was dead or alive. How long did they suffer? Did I eventually fade from their memories The newspaper articles made it sound like my parents accepted my death, but maybe they still hold out a sliver of hope that the worst hasn’t happened. It must be a living hell if it’s anything like the dread I feel at the thought of losing Harmony.

  I fidget on the hot planks under me. “Do you think Harmony is okay?”

  Goji doesn’t answer. He’s probably deep in meditation. Or maybe he really is asleep.

  After what feels like several minutes, he says, “I think you worry too much. She’ll be back or she won’t. Focus on the joy, embrace your grief, and move forward with love and without expectation.”

  “How can I move forward when my best friend is missing? Gaia said she’d bring her back after the summer.”

  “Does your frustration or worry bring her home?”

  “No.”

  “Does it make you feel better?”

  “Not really.”

  “When you are worrying or missing her, is there room for joy or peace?”

  “I guess not.”

  “Have you tried
communicating with her in other ways?”

  “We don’t have a phone. Even if we did I don’t know the number where they’re staying.”

  “No, Clover Blue. I meant with your mind, your spirit.”

  Maybe the heat is getting to him. I’m pretty sure if I could call her with my mind she’d be back by now. I think about her day and night. But if anyone knows how to dial up another human being on the mind-line it’s Goji, so I bite. “How would I do that?”

  “Picture your sister. Where is she?”

  “In an ugly apartment building in a cloudy city with a strange man and her drugged mother.”

  Goji’s eyes open. He frowns. “I’ve never heard you speak with such disdain and judgment. How did your lovely heart become so stained?”

  “I just miss her, that’s all.”

  “I know. I do too. We all do. But remember it’s our suffering that shapes us, makes us stronger.” He grins and adds, “They don’t call them growing pleasures.”

  “But I have this bad feeling. Like something is wrong.”

  “Good. Pay attention to that. Let your feelings guide you.”

  I close my eyes and try to picture Harmony sitting on a sofa in front of a TV surrounded by vinyl furniture and knickknacks. Let your feelings guide you. Let your feelings guide you.

  And I suddenly know what I have to do.