Clover Blue

by Eldonna Edwards

  For half a second I consider giving him my real name, Noah Anderson. In a heartbeat, the whole charade would be over. What if my birth parents got that call today? Would they even believe it? Would it make life worse for them after finally moving on and starting over with their lives only to have a teenager dumped back in their lives?

  Thoughts of Harmony keeps my tongue locked in place. I glance at the name on the officer’s pocket badge: Christopher J. O’Brien.

  “Tommy McQuiddy,” I say, choosing the name from my library card with Sirona’s last name on it.

  “Where you from, Tommy?”

  “Freestone.”

  “Never heard of it.”

  “California. Near Sebastopol.”

  He shrugs.

  “Not far from Santa Rosa.”

  “All right. Here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to call home and tell them you’re okay. Then I’m going to put you on a bus back home. If I don’t hear from your parents within twenty-four hours I’m going to start looking for you. And I won’t be as nice as now.”

  “We don’t have a phone.”

  “You lying to me, Tommy McQuiddy?”

  “No, sir. We live kind of in the boonies.”

  He opens my pack and removes my flashlight, a pair of dirty socks, two bruised apples, a bag of raw nuts, and my notebook. When he gets to the whistle his eyebrows go up. “You in the marching band?” he says with a laugh.

  “No, sir. It’s for if I’m ever in trouble. I’ve . . . I’ve had it since I was a kid.”

  He sets the whistle on the seat. I cringe when he pulls out a tiny pair of brown sandals. He looks at me, waiting, the shoes dangling from his fingers.

  “My little brother’s. He died when he was three years old.” The officer frowns and gently returns them to my pack without a word. He starts flipping through the pages of my notebook, reading bits and pieces of my stories, poems and essays. “You’re quite the prolific writer.”

  “Yes, sir. I like to write.”

  He stuffs everything back into my pack and hands it to me. “I’ve usually got a pretty good feeling about people and my gut tells me you’re a decent kid. Am I right?”

  “I try to be.”

  “Everything okay at home?”

  “Yes, sir. I wasn’t running away. I went to look for someone.”

  “Hundreds of miles away?”

  I nod. I already know what he’s thinking.

  “I chased a girl when I was your age. Never caught her. But you know what? The next one I hooked was even better. You don’t believe me now, but you’ll see. Be patient.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  He calls my name into the radio, checking to see if I’m registered as a missing person. I resist the urge to bite a hangnail while we wait for an answer on the police radio. The name Tommy McQuiddy finally comes back unreported.

  The cop drives me to a bus stop in Medford, Oregon, where he buys me a Greyhound ticket to Santa Rosa.

  “Your parents will have to pick you up from there. Maybe call your minister or a teacher.”

  “Our neighbor has a phone. I’ll call her as soon as I get in.”

  “I’m going to take you at your word, son. No funny business. We Irish have to stick together, right?”

  I nod.

  “And remember what I said.” He claps me on the back and winks, pointing to the row of darkened windows. “She might even be on that bus.”

  I climb the steps and find an empty seat on the opposite side from where Officer O’Brien stands. I feel ashamed. I hate that I lied to him. The driver closes the door and off we roll in the opposite direction of where I need to go.

  36

  It takes fourteen hours to reach Santa Rosa. If not for the money Paula sneaked into my coat pocket I’d be half starved. The bus makes stops at McDonald’s and Burger King so the only food I’ve had is French fries and milkshakes other than candy bars and chips from the machine in a bus depot along the way. My body isn’t used to eating junk food. I’ve had diarrhea for the last two hours. I feel sorry for anyone who goes into the bathroom in the back of the bus after me. I’m sure they’re all scowling at the back of my head right now.

  I think about getting off several times along the way but the fear of being picked up by another cop stops me. The next one might not be so nice. Maybe by the time I get home there’ll be a letter from Harmony. Maybe she went to another one of those Rainbow Gathering things with Gaia. But part of me wonders if she likes her new life and has decided to stay and just doesn’t know how to tell me.

  When the bus finally pulls into the Santa Rosa depot I walk across the parking lot and stand in front of a map hanging inside a glass display. Fourteen miles to Freestone.

  “You need a lift home?”

  I turn to find the older woman who sat behind me on the bus. She’s holding a flowered suitcase.

  “Nah, that’s okay. I’ll just walk. Thank you, though.”

  “I’m headed to Sebastopol. Which way is home?”

  I glance at the dark sky. It looks like more rain. Sebastopol would save me seven miles.

  “Actually, that’s exactly where I’m headed. You sure you don’t mind?”

  She smiles. “You look like my grandson. Blue eyes, blond hair.” She looks me over more closely. “Not as long as yours.”

  “Let me carry that for you.” I take her suitcase and she smiles even bigger. “Polite like my Jeremy, too.”

  On the way to Sebastopol she asks a million questions, all of which I dodge by saying I’m here to visit my older sister who lives on a farm. When she offers to take me directly home, I turn her down.

  “But it’s getting dark!”

  “I’ve been sitting on a bus for fourteen hours. I could really use a walk.”

  “Well, if you’re sure.” She pulls into a Zephyr gas station. “It was nice meeting you . . . what did you say your name was again?”

  The lie is out of my mouth before I can stop it. “Tommy McQuiddy.”

  She nods, her smile fading. “Don’t recall any McQuiddys around here.”

  I open the door and climb out of the car. “Thanks again for the ride.”

  * * *

  As I head out on Bodega highway the rain lets loose. After hearing from that cop about boys getting picked up I decide to walk instead of hitchhike. I’ve gotten a couple miles when a car zooms past, then hits the brakes and does a U-turn. The car passes me going the other way then turns again and pulls behind me. They flash their headlights. I look over my shoulder, but the blinding lights keep me from seeing the driver. I don’t know anyone who drives an orange Vega. It might be someone who recognizes me but it could be someone who assumes I’m one of those commune hippies and sees an easy target.

  I turn around and keep walking toward home. The car crawls up beside me and honks. I ignore it. They pass me and park just ahead, throwing the passenger door open. I stop walking and look up. A small figure sits hunched over the wheel. When I don’t move the driver climbs out, seemingly oblivious to the rain, and leans against the trunk. She crosses one foot over the other and grins. “What’s your problem? You waiting for a limousine?”

  At the sound of Harmony’s voice my heart nearly leaves my chest. I want to run to her but my feet might as well be cemented into the shoulder of the road. She uncrosses her ankles and walks toward me. “Hey. Hey, you okay?”

  I nod my head. Apparently my mouth isn’t working either.

  Unfamiliar smells hover in the air between us as she walks toward me. She stops in front of me and smiles, raindrops collecting on her eyelashes. And then there it is, under all that soap and city, the earthy girl I love more than anything in this world. I bury my head in her hair, holding her close until there’s no rain, no cars, nothing but the two of us and our breath moving in and out together. I pull my head away and kiss her on the mouth for the third time in my life. I’m no longer planning the next one. This kiss will always be the best of my life.

  She grabs my
hand and tugs me toward the car. “Let’s get out of the rain. Do you wanna drive home?”

  I follow her toward the ugly orange car. “Where did you get this? Please tell me you didn’t drive here all the way from Portland.”

  She just shrugs and flings her hands upward, grinning.

  I get in the passenger side. As far as I’m concerned I’m already home.

  Harmony turns off Bodega down a tiny dirt spur and parks under the shelter of a group of redwoods. I’m soaked to the bone and the warmth pouring out of the car heater feels amazing. She leaves the engine running and the heater going so we can dry out. The rain has turned from a downpour, to showers, to a steady sprinkle on the windshield.

  Harmony adjusts her body so she’s mostly facing me. She looks older than when she left, older than fourteen. I want to ask her so many questions.

  “Why did you stop writing me?”

  She glances down at her jeans and picks at a rip in the knee before meeting my gaze. “I was afraid you’d be mad.”

  “I wasn’t mad, I was worried.”

  “I didn’t write because I started thinking about staying for good, maybe going back to school. I needed to take a break from SFC and figure out what I want.”

  “So you just stopped missing me?”

  “No, Blue. Never.” She looks back up at me. “I met this guy at a park near the apartment. We started hanging out and I liked him.”

  My heart sinks. I don’t want to hear this, but I can’t find the words to tell her to stop.

  “He was super straight-laced. I hoped maybe he could offer me something I never got from Ruth or SFC. When I told him about our family and the Rainbow Gathering and stuff he acted like I was a complete weirdo. I thought it’d be nice to hang with someone normal, but it turned out he was just a judgmental jerk.”

  I like to believe that I’m not the jealous type but the idea of her with some other guy makes me a little nauseous. “You could have just told me that. I’d have understood.”

  She smiles. “Really? You’d be totally okay with my new boyfriend and possibly moving out of state for good?”

  “Well, maybe not for . . . it doesn’t matter. You came back. End of story.”

  “I’m not finished. There’s more to the story.”

  “Sorry. Go ahead.”

  “It’s about Mark, Ruth’s boyfriend? At first he seemed like a regular guy, all fatherly-like. He paid for new clothes, all our food, my record albums, and whatever else I wanted. After growing up here, with cold showers and thrift stores and a diet of beans and rice it kind of felt like hitting the jackpot. Not like a millionaire, but way more conveniences and money than Ruth ever had. But then . . .”

  She stops and looks out the windshield. “I’ve missed these trees.”

  I take her hand and kiss it. “But then what?”

  She sighs. “He was spying on me. He cut little holes in the bathroom and my bedroom walls.”

  “What a creep!”

  “I know. I found a camera on his side of the bathroom hole.”

  “Did he . . . ?”

  “He never touched me. I think he was too chicken shit for that. Just liked watching. When I told Ruth, she didn’t believe me so I showed her the holes. Her response was to OD on heroin.”

  “She overdosed?”

  “I took her to the hospital. I hung around until they told me she’d be okay. When they started asking questions I gave made-up names for us. Then I stole Mark’s car and left. I’m done taking care of her.”

  I pull her to me. “I’m so sorry. You’re home now. We’ll take care of you. I’ll take care of you.”

  Harmony cries quietly in my arms. “I hate her. I hate her stupid boyfriend. I hate that I was stupid enough to hope she’d change.”

  After a few minutes she lifts her head and looks at me, wiping away her tears. “Why were you out walking the highway just now? Did something happen at SFC?”

  “Nothing happened. I mean, Coyote’s back and Lotus left.”

  “I figured Lotus would leave. We saw her packing that day we went to Santa Rosa. Wait . . . Coyote is back?”

  “Yeah. They let him out after President Carter changed the law or something.”

  “I can’t wait to see him!”

  “Oh, and Rain is pregnant.”

  “Whoa, that’s radical, considering what Ruth said about . . . I mean if it’s Goji’s.” She gives me a sideways glance and I know what she’s thinking. My crush on Rain was obvious to everyone. “It is Goji’s, right?”

  “Harmony, I was coming back from trying to find you.”

  “You went to Portland?”

  “Not quite. I never made it. It’s kind of a long story.”

  She smiles. “Aw, you were coming to save me?”

  “Like you need saving. You’ve never needed saving. I just needed to be sure you were okay.”

  She rests her hand on my arm. “Blue?”

  “Yeah?”

  “What do we do now?”

  I tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. “We can leave, go somewhere together.”

  She frowns. “I feel like I just did that.”

  “Or we can go home.”

  Harmony takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. She shifts into reverse. When we reach the road, she drops the shifter back into PARK and reaches into her canvas bag. She hands me a cellophane package.

  “What’s this?”

  “A Moon Pie. You used to stare at them at the grocery store when we were little.”

  She sees my face fall, having no idea how sick I just got on that kind of food.

  “Trust me. You’ll love it. I have a stash of crap food to last for a year in the trunk, including Zagnuts, which, by the way, aren’t that great.” Then she laughs, that laugh so deep and full that I’ve missed even more than I knew.

  Harmony puts the car back into gear. The car starts to move then rattles a little, and the engine dies. She turns the key again and again but the engine won’t restart. My eyes go to the gas gauge.

  “Oh shit, I forgot how low it was. We probably shouldn’t have left the engine running.” She smiles her devilish grin.

  We push the Vega off to the side and leave it. The rain has let up by the time we walk down the drive toward Saffron Freedom Community. Although it’s our usual dinnertime, the community table is empty, as is the kitchen. The tree house, Goji’s shack, the teepee, and the Sacred Space are all dark. Sunny bounds toward us up the driveway, barking. When he recognizes us his tail wags so hard I think it might fly off. He runs in excited circles around us, panting. I bend down on one knee to hug him. He slobbers all over my face.

  “It’s okay, boy. I’m home.”

  “Where is everybody?” Harmony whispers.

  A small glow quivers on the east side of the property, most likely from a fire. I point toward the light. “Maybe over there?”

  We walk toward the soft flickering near the yoga and meditation arbor. A quiet hum fills the air. The closer we get the louder and clearer it gets. Our family is huddled together, each person holding a candle, eyes closed, chanting in deep meditation, even Moon and Aura. I put my finger to my lips and signal for Harmony to follow me. Making a wide circle around the group, we stop and drop to our knees, silently crawling the last few feet. Harmony and I sit several feet behind Moon and Sirona, crossing our feet over our folded knees.

  Harmony closes her eyes, resting her hands, palms open on her thighs. Willow and Rain both have wet tears on their cheeks. Moon’s face is strained, as if trying to reach a high note. From the looks of them, they’ve just closed the circle. They must have waited a couple days after discovering my note, assuming I’d change my mind and come back.

  I study their faces as they haunt the night air with their eerie voices. And that’s when I realize that it’s not the om they are chanting, it’s my name. Bluuuuuuuue . . . deep breath . . . Bluuuuuuuue . . .

  I suddenly feel ashamed for putting them through grief and worry. I should have told
them instead of sneaking away. Goji has always spoken of free will and the ability to carve out our own paths, but with me, there’s so much more at stake.

  Harmony reaches for my hand and squeezes, a smile spreading across her face. I know that smile. She’s about to do something or say something irreverent, probably make me uncomfortable. And there is nothing I can do to stop her. As the first few words of “Song Sung Blue” leave her lips, people begin to stir, as if waking from a deep sleep. Then Aura squeals and jumps to her feet. She runs to Harmony, pulls her into the middle of the circle.

  “It worked! Yo-Ye, look! We called her with our minds!”

  Coyote opens his eyes and grins. He nudges Jade, who looks up from her candle. Her hand instantly goes to her mouth. One by one they all open their eyes. Doobie joins Harmony and Aura, throwing his arms around the two of them. “Welcome home, little sister!”

  In a matter of seconds they’re all gathered around Harmony. Willow holds Harmony’s face in her hands. “I’m sorry, sweetheart, Blue went to look for you. He’s not here.”

  Harmony turns and points to where I’m sitting quietly on the ground. “He found me.”

  “We found each other,” I correct her.

  Aura runs to me and throws her arms around my neck. “Because we called you! You must’ve heard us, right?”

  I look up at Goji, who has one arm draped around Harmony and the other around Rain. I lift Aura and hold her high in the air. Happiness radiates from her smile.

  “I heard you loud and clear.”

  Harmony breaks in, wearing that mischievous grin again, “You did great, Aura. We just need a little bit more help with something.”

  The Olders instantly look serious again. Coyote speaks first. “What do you need?”

  I hold my breath, waiting for Harmony’s answer.

  She stands and looks toward the road. “Does anyone have a gas can?”

  37

  I lay in bed last night thinking about how weird today might be. I feel bad for running off and I’m nervous about seeing everyone in full daylight. The relief that Harmony and I are safe will wear off and could turn to resentment for scaring them like that. I wait until everyone else is up before quietly climbing down the tree to join the family for yoga.