Clover Blue

by Eldonna Edwards

  But it’s just like any morning as we move through sun salutation. Everyone seems happy, giddy even. I can’t take my eyes off Harmony. Something about her is different but it’s her sameness that I find so reassuring; the arch in the small of her back as she moves from mountain into cobra with an exuberant exhale; her voice as she patiently answers everyone’s questions over breakfast; her smile, and the brief glances in my direction that warm me from the inside out.

  “What’s her boyfriend like?” Jade asks Harmony over a feast of blackberry pancakes with homemade butter and maple syrup. “Is he a good person?”

  “He’s a salesman,” she says, answering and not answering at the same time. “I think—”

  Doobie interrupts. “Is Gaia coming back?”

  Harmony shakes her head. “I doubt it. The nurses said as soon as she’s well enough they’ll move her to a rehab to help her get clean.”

  Harmony talks about her mother without emotion in her voice but I can see the hurt in her face. I, for one, have lost my faith in Gaia. I realize she’s an addict, but not protecting Harmony is more than I can forgive right now. And if I ever meet that Mark guy I don’t know if I could restrain myself from violence.

  The rest of the day is mostly normal, filled with chores and hugs and lively chitchat. But a current of nervousness rides beneath the joy. Up until three days ago I’ve never tested the limits of my free will. The truth is, leaving to find Harmony put them all at risk. Nobody brings it up because then they’d have to explain that risk to Rain and possibly Sirona and Coyote, too. But there’s an air of mistrust that wasn’t there before. Maybe they think now that I’ve had a bigger taste of the outside world I’ll want to go back out there.

  Their anxiety feels like a balloon floating over all our heads, ready to pop at any moment. I need to let a little of the air out. “I want to apologize to all of you,” I say as we ready to reopen the circle after dinner. “I should have talked about what I planned to do instead of sneaking away like that. You must have been worried.”

  Willow reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. “You scared the shit out of us, if you want to know the truth. I’m just so glad you’re okay.” She turns toward Harmony. “Both of you.”

  I put my other hand over Willow’s. “I’m sorry I made you guys suffer. I didn’t think it through.”

  “You got that right,” Wave says.

  Coyote shakes his head quietly. When he speaks, his words surprise me.

  “I would have done the same thing in your shoes. Nothin’ more important than loyalty. You followed your heart and it led you to search for one of our own.” He looks around the table, stopping when his gaze meets Goji’s. “We should have done more to ensure that our little sister was safe. Blue here showed us what it means to be a man.”

  “To be human,” Sirona corrects him. “But you’re right. I’m sure all of us worried that Harmony was at risk.”

  Goji listens quietly. He looks older than his thirty-four years and more tired than I usually think of him, especially next to Rain. Ever since he and Rain got together Goji started investing less time opening discussions or teaching. It’s almost like he forgot why he’s here other than to be with Rain. He rarely lets her out of his sight.

  Goji slowly stands and takes Rain’s hand to his left and Sirona’s to his right. The rest of us all join hands. He lifts his face toward the trees and closes his eyes. When he speaks it’s as if he’s talking to someone else or something else.

  “Thank you for this family, my family, a tribe of beautiful souls connected hand to hand and heart to heart. We welcome Harmony and Clover Blue back into our loving arms as we celebrate their inward and outward journeys.”

  “Welcome home,” everyone says.

  I wait for him to open his eyes but he keeps them tightly closed, tears running down his cheeks and into his beard. We stand like that for several minutes before Aura breaks the silence.

  “I have to pee.” She pulls away from between Jade and Coyote and runs toward the outhouse. The rest of the family slowly drop each other’s hands.

  One by one we drift away leaving only Goji, still silent in his otherworldly prayer, and Rain, looking awkwardly confused as she watches him and waits.

  * * *

  I spend most of the rest of the day expecting Goji to call on me for a private talk. But it’s Wave who invites me into the teepee for a meeting after closing meditation. When I step inside, Harmony is already there, along with Willow, Jade, Coyote, Sirona, and Doobie. Willow motions for me to join them in a circle of pillows on the floor. When I glance at Harmony she just shrugs.

  I choose a pillow from a pile near the door and purposely drop it in a space that’s not next to Harmony. Maybe this meeting is about the two of us becoming too close. I want to keep our deepening friendship private—as private as a person can in a place where everybody talks openly about everybody’s business.

  “I think we’re ready to start,” Wave says.

  Harmony glances around the room. “What about Goji? And Rain?”

  Willow lights a candle and sets it in the center of the circle. “Goji retired early and Rain is with Moon and Aura in the tree house. I asked her to read them a bedtime story so we could all talk.”

  Harmony doesn’t give up on her willingness to wait for everyone. “But we can’t have a meeting without Goji, can we?”

  The Olders trade pained glances. Sirona fusses with her Tree of Life pendant. Doobie picks at a broken toenail. Jade leans over Doobie’s foot as if she’s suddenly interested in the disfigured toenail.

  Wave and Willow both start talking at once. “He’s not . . .” They stop and look at each other. Wave nods to her. “Go ahead.” Willow takes a deep breath and begins again. “We asked him about the meeting and he told us to go ahead and talk amongst ourselves. He wants us to function more independently of him. But he was in agreement on the topic.”

  I’m confused. “What topic?”

  “Well, for starters, who does that car belong to?” Wave says.

  I look at Harmony. Trying to read her response is like working a puzzle without the cover of the box. You just never know with her.

  “It belongs to Ruth’s boyfriend,” she blurts out. “And yes, I stole it.”

  “Then we need to get it back to him,” Coyote says. “We can’t have the police showing up here.”

  Harmony shakes her head. “I don’t think he’ll report it. It was more like a trade.”

  Coyote’s forehead creases. “A trade? For what?”

  I shake my head the slightest bit but Harmony ignores me. “For naked pictures he took of me without my permission. Through a hole in a wall he made to spy on me.”

  Willow gasps. “He what?”

  Harmony turns toward Willow. “I destroyed the film but I kept the pictures I found in his sock drawer. I’m guessing he’s more worried about those photos than his ugly old car.”

  Jade pulls Harmony toward her. “Oh, sis . . .”

  Doobie stands and starts pacing around the teepee. “I knew I should have gone after her. He’s probably the reason Gaia OD’d.”

  Harmony tilts her head backward so she can see Doobie. “In a way, yeah. But Ruth has been using for a long time. And she was more upset about the possibility of losing another shitty boyfriend than her own daughter.”

  Doobie sits back down on his pillow and drops his head to his chest. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

  Willow touches Harmony on the knee. “We don’t care about the car. We care about you and Blue. Which is why we want to protect you from social services or the police. We’re asking that from now on you stay on the property. We don’t ask this lightly. You know we’re all in jeopardy if you get picked up.”

  I glance nervously at Sirona. She’s bound to get suspicious with all this talk about the authorities and us getting into trouble.

  “You mean about his adoption?” Harmony asks. For such a smart girl she’s really good at playing dumb.


  Sirona looks at Willow. “Was there a problem with Clover Blue’s adoption?”

  Willow swallows and stutters, “Well, no. I mean yes, but . . .”

  Wave chimes in. “It wasn’t exactly legal. Blue was left by his parents and we rescued him.”

  As I listen to their messed-up version of the facts I wonder if they actually believe this story. Maybe over time they’ve convinced themselves that I was lost or that Goji was right about me seeking them. Just like he convinced me.

  Sirona looks confused. “So what you’re saying is if he gets picked up you’ll be in trouble?”

  Willow bites her bottom lip before answering Sirona. “We’ll all be in trouble, except you, and Coyote. Accessories just for knowing about it.”

  Coyote glances at Jade, shaking his head. “Holy shit, illegal adoption?”

  “But we all love him so much,” Willow says, looking at me. “And you love us, too, right, Blue?”

  I lift my head and look from face to face, ending with Willow’s. Deep inside me, bottled anger for taking me that day argues with my undying love for this family. I stare into her eyes, my jaw trembling with words that fight to find their way to my tongue. I think about my other family, the one who thinks I drowned in that lake and the brothers or sisters I never got to know. My head feels like it will explode.

  I slowly stand up. “You made me love you!” I blurt out. “I didn’t have a choice because you took that choice away from me. And now you’re trying to take away my freedom, too?”

  I kick my pillow as hard as I can. It flies over Willow’s head and knocks over a bouquet of wildflowers on a table behind her. The jar rolls to the edge and shatters on the floor. Willow doesn’t even flinch, absorbing the full force of my anger as though satisfying a years-long craving for punishment.

  Wave stands up. “Blue! You need to calm down.”

  I glare at him. “Calm down? Really? You want me to calm down?”

  Willow holds her hands out toward me. “We’re your family, Blue.”

  “No, you’re not!” I sob. “You stole me!” I back slowly toward the door. “You may be my tribe. But that other family? Those were my people. You earned my love. They deserved it.”

  Wave takes a step toward me.

  “Don’t. Just . . . don’t.” I turn and walk out the door. Harmony follows me out of the teepee and catches up to me near the fire pit. “Do you want to talk?”

  I shake my head.

  “We could leave, Blue. Go find your first family.”

  “I don’t know. I need some time to think. I feel all mixed up right now.”

  Tears bubble up in her eyes. “You’re not going to leave without me, are you?”

  I lean in and kiss her forehead. “Never. I just need some space to sort things out.”

  She nods. “Okay,” she says, biting her lower lip as I run toward the woods.

  * * *

  I wait until evening meditation to slip into my bedroom, leaving my boots near the base of the tree, where everyone will see them. I pretend to be asleep when Doobie pads past my mattress and climbs into his hammock. I hear other footsteps pause near our doorway, whispers, and then, finally, silence.

  My mind keeps racing from anger to guilt to sadness. If not for Harmony, I’d throw my pack back over my shoulder and set out to look for my first family tonight. But I can’t leave her now. And if she came with me we’d get caught, I just know it. Like Gaia, she’s not the kind of girl you slip past the law unnoticed. With her big personality and fearless daring she’d surely get us into trouble. It’s the thing I love most about her and also the thing that scares me the most.

  38

  November 1978

  Nobody has brought up my angry outburst in the teepee last week, not even Goji. I’m sure he’s heard about it by now but either he doesn’t care or he’s waiting for the perfect moment to have a talk. I’m hoping it’s the first reason. The closest he’s come to addressing the topic is over lunch, talking about this Rajneesh guy he studied with in India.

  “The most important thing I learned from him is that truth isn’t something you discover outside yourself, it’s something inside of you.” He looks directly at me when he says it.

  Doobie scratches his beard, deep in thought. “So what you’re saying is that a lie is only a lie if you believe it?”

  Coyote shakes his head. “My mama was a good woman. She taught me that a lie is a lie is a lie.”

  Rain looks uncomfortable, shifting in her seat. Maybe it’s because of the growing baby. Or maybe because of the stuff she shared with me about how she lied about her age, the stepfather, and about the birth control pills. And that she killed someone, but that it wasn’t her fault. Is that a lie, too?

  Goji leans back in his chair and smiles at Coyote. “That was your mother’s truth. Perhaps it’s your truth as well.” He drapes an arm around Rain and pulls her toward him. “Sometimes we bend the truth for love’s sake. Who has the power to judge actions that come from such a deep place of devotion?”

  Listening to Goji, it’s all I can do not to start yelling again. My teeth hurt from clenching my jaw. Harmony senses my uneasiness.

  She stands and picks up some of our plates. “I love you guys, but you’re so full of shit.”

  She walks toward the kitchen laughing and shaking her head. Some of the others chuckle, but it’s a nervous laughter, not the full-throated joy of the past. There’s no hugging or shared high-fives or jostling of shoulders. We clear the rest of our dishes and everyone quickly heads in different directions, as if someone planted a time bomb in the middle of the table.

  * * *

  I keep to myself for most of the day, trying to avoid everyone. Not just because of what Goji might have to say; I’m worried about blowing my friendship with Harmony. We’ve always done everything together, but what if this new thing between us ruins it? Since she got back, we’ve hardly had a private moment together for talking, let alone anything else. I don’t know if I should keep her closer or give her more room.

  Harmony startles me as I come out of the outhouse. “Hey! You want to go for a hike later?”

  “Yeah, sure. I mean, if we have time. I promised Sirona I’d help her can milk.”

  “Are you avoiding me?”

  “What?”

  She pulls her coat tighter around her. “I asked if you’re avoiding me.”

  “Of course not. There’s just been so much to do, and after what I said in the teepee I thought maybe I should lie low.”

  “You spoke up for yourself. I was really proud of you.”

  “You were?”

  “A little surprised, but yeah, definitely.”

  “I surprised myself. I probably shouldn’t have said all that.”

  She grabs my upper arms and gives me a shake. “Are you kidding? They need to be called on their BS when it stinks.”

  “Yeah, but Sirona . . .”

  “Sirona hardly even flinched. She bought their story—hook, line, and sinker. It’s like nobody ever challenges anyone or anything anymore. Remember when we used to have all those amazing philosophical discussions around the dinner table? Why don’t we ever do that anymore?”

  She’s right. Goji used to throw out a question and we’d debate for hours, sometimes until after dark.

  “I don’t know. Maybe they all got bored with that game.”

  Harmony turns toward the empty community table. “It wasn’t a game. It was how we learned to reason out answers instead of just swallowing what we’re told. You want to know what I think?” She doesn’t wait for my answer. “I think they got complacent. We used to be this big happy family and now it’s more like mini-families within the family, everyone more interested in themselves, their kids, their personal agendas. The Olders have divided up into couples. Nobody uses the Sacred Space.”

  “But isn’t that what happens in normal families? Kids grow up, get married, have kids of their own.”

  “We’re not supposed to be normal! Goji
has always taught us to challenge norms.”

  I put my finger to my lips when I spot Goji and Rain walking toward the outhouse, arm in arm. Harmony glances behind her, then turns and rolls her eyes. “See what I mean?” she whispers. “He’s like a little puppy around her.”

  “Hello, children,” Goji says as he approaches. “Is everything okay?”

  Rain stands with her legs firmly planted, hands resting on her bulging belly. Harmony starts to answer him. “We were just discussing—”

  “Goat milk,” I say, interrupting before she opens another messy can of worms. “Sirona needs help canning all Inga’s surplus.”

  Goji smiles. “The closest thing to human mother’s milk. It’ll keep us all healthy this winter.” He pats Rain’s belly. “Especially those who need the extra protein.”

  Rain points to the outhouse door behind me.

  “Oh, sorry.” I move out of the way, then take a few more steps backward. “We’ll see you at dinner, I guess.”

  Goji nods and I jump at the chance to get away, heading down the path toward the kitchen area. Harmony trails behind me. “Let’s help Sirona together so we can go for a walk before dinner.”

  She can’t see the big smile stretched across my face at the suggestion of some alone time together.

  “Sounds good.” I say it all matter-of-fact, but absolutely nothing could make me happier right now than Harmony and me alone together.

  * * *

  It takes hours to boil down the goat milk and put it up in jars. Harmony runs off to change her clothes after spilling some on her pants. By the time she gets back it’s started raining. I glance at the darkening sky. “Maybe we should wait for tomorrow to take a walk.”

  She sighs. “Okay. But you’re not going to weasel out of it, are you?”

  I reach for her hand and pull her onto the bench next to me. “Not a chance.”

  * * *

  Harmony sneaks into my room before the sun is up, waking me from a dream about a car crash where we tumbled over a hill and I was searching for survivors. She wipes my forehead with the edge of the sheet. “You’re all sweaty.”