How to Be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM

by Morpheous

  Forced Orgasm: Orgasm(s) brought about against a person’s control or will as part of “resistance play” that involves informed consent.

  At the same time, it is not your responsibility to play therapist—in fact I would strongly caution you against it. Listening to someone talk out her issue or complication is what makes you a responsible and caring human being. Trying to force her to work out her problems along a timeline that is convenient for you so you can play again is not an activity I condone. If someone has a problem like the above example, let him or her take the lead in figuring things out. Be there for her and let her know that you are a safe person to share with. When things go awry it is important that you become the compassionate person you are for the person that is in distress, instead of “Mistress Ilsa, Conqueror of Lower Germania and All the People of It.” You can go back to being the big bad Dominant later on. All of kinky play is only as real as you both make it.

  There also needs to be time set aside sometime afterward to discuss what happened during the playtime. Aftercare is covered in chapter 8, but just note that you should always schedule time to talk about what you liked, what worked, and what you would change for your next playdate. It shouldn’t be at the event or right after the scene, but rather following some time for reflection, perhaps the next day, provided no boundaries were crossed and each of you were happy with what happened in the scene, whether at a public play party or in private. This discussion can range from expressions of satisfaction like “Oh, I loved it all, you are the bestest in the world!” to the two of you lingering for an hour, talking about the yummy and not so yummy things that happened. In my life I make it very clear to my playdates that I expect to hear from them the next day. If I don’t, then I will be following up.

  Sometimes people may not have any negative reaction until the next day, after they have had a chance to process what took place, and I don’t want anyone to be in a bad headspace, afraid to call me and discuss what is going on. Be responsible as a Dominant or Top—show them that they are just as important after the scene as they were during it. Conversely, I also like to hear about the yummy things that they enjoyed: that way I can start to plan and build the next scene in my mind. Getting to know what someone likes and doesn’t like gives you ideas for the next playdate!

  Things to Remember

  Know your own interests and where your personal boundaries lie.

  Be empathetic and sensitive to your partner’s interests without a judgmental attitude.

  Communicate your needs initially verbally and later with your body language.

  Communication lines should always remain open.

  Sometimes interests don’t match.

  Better than an xbox!

  Chapter Five

  * * *

  From Online to Real Life

  Get offline.

  No, really—get offline.

  Shut the computer down and find other people that are into kinky sex. Find workshops run by sex stores, outreach programs or organizers of fetish events. There is a big, wide world out there of fetish- and kink-oriented events and experiences that online will never be able to compare to, ones that are full of human interaction and emotion. You can spend hours, weeks or years online and develop a false sense of expertise and security, or you can have real-life good times that will eclipse the cyber world. You’ve done yourself a favor by picking up this book, which at the very least is a tangible book to read that doesn’t require servers and ISPs and a laptop with RAM blah blah blah and all that other technical stuff. You can read it on the bus or the subway. Or possibly at work on your lunch break where people will most certainly take note of the sexy cover and you might get one or two knowing glances.

  So how do you get offline?

  Easy—go online and search.

  I am not making this easy, am I?

  Online is a great way to find resources, and discuss ideas and commonalities—but we live in the real world, and you can only go so far online. The Internet DOES offer a great deal from the point of view of resources. When I first started exploring the kink world, e-mail was still in its infancy. Now you can Google “BDSM events” and have thousands of links across the world pop up.

  A St. Andrew's cross is a typical piece of dungeon equipment, and your first time on one will certainly leave an impression!

  For rope bunnies, nothing beats the feeling of the harsh fibers against their skin.

  It can be extremely hard to meet someone in real life that meets your kinky needs. The Internet provided me with a valuable resource for meeting like-minded friends and partners, giving me the chance to search by age, location, role and fetishes. It is important however, not to get stuck in an online fantasy world. I like to see it as a tool, but not a place for forming a relationship. No matter how compatible you may seem online, it doesn’t mean you’ll get along in person. I was lucky enough to find my Master on a bondage website, which then led to a face-to-face meeting. During our first few years together, as I struggled with my new role as a slave, it was forums on the Internet, and a few like-minded friends that helped me accept and learn all about this new part of me. I didn’t feel that I could turn to my vanilla friends for advice because they didn’t understand what I was going through or what it meant to be in a Master/slave relationship. Being able to read other slaves’ experiences on online forums and blogs was helpful to me. You need other people that you can talk to freely without worry of judgment, who understand what you are going through. Having a group of friends that share a similar lifestyle is also important.

  —doll, slave

  Gates of Hell: A device for males that has a series of metal rings attached to a strap that is slid around the penis and then fastened at the base to deprive the male of sexual stimulation.

  Feel Like a Munch?

  A munch is a fantastic way to get started. What is a munch? It is a casual gathering, usually at a pub or restaurant, where other kinky folks come to meet and be social. One thing it is not is a place to play or show off toys or display how well you have trained your slave to kneel on the floor beside you eating out of the palm of your hand. These are evenings where people come to meet in a vanilla setting to discuss ideas, and share thoughts and experiences—but there is no play. So what is the point of just getting together and talking? I mean, come on, maybe you are all hot and bothered; possibly you have just bought your first set of wrist restraints and are dying to try them out. How about picking up someone that night, going somewhere together, and playing? Chill for a moment; I know you want to run headfirst into this world, but not so fast. A munch is not a pickup joint or a meat market. Its strength lies in the fact that there are many others with varied experiences that are willing to get together to talk about what works for them, what hasn’t, what they want to try, and also what movie they went to see last Friday night. It is a great place to trade resources. I like to think of it as parallel to the experience of nomadic adventurers hundreds of years ago, meeting at an oasis, trading their information and knowledge. Exchanging ideas in an oral tradition is one of the strengths of the human race. It is one thing that has allowed us to thrive and grow and spread across the globe. You will find people like yourself that are new, others who have been playing for years, and still others that drop in from time to time. Please keep in mind that manners and politeness count.

  I was comfortable enough in the chatroom I was frequenting as a sub, but the whole time I was aware that it was all fantasy. I was itching to get out into the “real world.” The idea of meeting people in real life that were similar to the online friends I had developed terrified me. I used my online search skills to find a local group in my town and decided to attend a munch and even requested that one of my online friends, a fantastic real-life Dom who was always coaxing me to come out to a munch, meet me there. After all, a munch is a public meeting, very informal, and any obvious signs that this was a BDSM group were strictly prohibited. Swallowing the lump in my throat and sweating with nerves,
when I got to the local pub I found my Dom friend already there chatting with everyone. He knew most of the BDSM community. I didn’t have to ask which one he was, it was quite apparent by his natural ease in the crowd with others chatting to him. Making the rounds, I met with everyone and then sat down with him. He recognized how nervous I was, but knew that I was making the transition from online to real life. He also delicately quashed my notion that I had any level of experience whatsoever since it was just online experience. The munch was a VERY good idea. It was a safe place, familiar, and no play was taking place. I attended several munches, turning down offers to attend play parties at each meet; continued with my online chat-room group and strengthened my bond with my Dom friend. He took me to my first play party when I felt I was ready and I haven’t looked back since.

  —Jenny, Switch

  Boot licking

  1 Choose a pair of your sluttest heels or boots and grab your sub.

  2 Standing in front of your sub, order him to his hands and knees at the feet of his goddess.

  3 Tell him he is on trial, and has to do a proper job or else he'll be punished and won't be given another opportunity to worship you.

  4 Encourage him to lick the toe, or kiss it with warm and nonslobbery pecks on the tip.

  Do everyone a favor when you head for the munch—leave the camera and notebooks at home. When people come to munches, there is the understanding that they will not be recorded. Some have vanilla careers or lives and would rather not have their kinky sides posted on Facebook or YouTube. You might be really excited to finally have a chance to meet people living in the lifestyle you have always dreamed about and want to share it on your blog, but people don’t want to be outed and it is not your right to do so. Let me repeat that again—do NOT out anyone. Ever. Which means if you see someone at a munch and enjoy pleasant conversations with him or her or maybe not-so-pleasant conversations, then see that individual in the vanilla world with his spouse or coworker, he is trusting that you will NOT out him even if you had a really enthusiastic conversation regarding latex bodysuits. The other attendees at a munch are trusting that you will extend them the same privacy they would you. Tact and candor are virtues that will take you far in the kink world. You may exchange knowing glances in a public place but don’t be offended if the person doesn’t acknowledge you. She saw you; it’s nothing personal, just let it go and wait until the next munch when you will see her again. Sometimes outsiders think of the BDSM/kink world like they do the Freemasons—as a secret society with its own conventions, rules, and regulations that should come with a secret handshake or signal. Sorry to say there isn’t one, although that would be pretty cool.

  5 Have him slowly work his way up your calf, paying special attention to the firm muscles.

  6 Keep him focused with positive reinforcement: “Good boy, worship your goddess’s boots.”

  Golden Shower: A form of play that involves urinating on your partner (or being urinated on).

  No one has the right to out someone else—ever. If you are outed by someone you need to tell the organizer of the munch you attended and that person will be dealt with. All munches are run by an organization or an individual and the scene is very good at policing itself. You are also responsible for NOT nonconsensually involving others. You might have a really hot fantasy of leading your new slave down the street on a leash, but doing that will involve passersby, which is not only unfair to them but demonstrates you don’t have any tact or common sense. You don’t ask to experience others’ fetish or interests when you aren’t prepared for it, so don’t do it in public to the “vanillas.” Wait until the Pride Parade when the context is festive and anything goes and you can get away with frivolity like that. Again, good manners go a long way in the fetish world, just like in real life. You may feel like a god and demand to be revered as one at a party, but see how far that gets you. The community does have its sense of humor but it will also ostracize you for not complying with the codes of behavior that are acceptable or for being a dangerous person to be around. People in the community will always like to talk about drama, so don’t air your dirty laundry. More than likely you will meet people that you are interested in playing with at a munch, but like I said—this is not a pickup joint. Spend time getting to know the people there, but don’t run off with them immediately. In fact I caution strongly against that on the first meeting.

  When you find a community, you can let your fantasies run wild.

  Grope Box: A box large enough to hold a person with many openings along its sides and top. A submissive or bottom is placed within it and then is grouped or fondled by multiple people outside that they cannot see.

  Ask others about someone who interests you in a casual way: “I noticed Princess Icewingdeath over there who said she is into rope bondage, is she a good Top?” Yes, sometimes we do call ourselves silly names! Some people have incredibly interesting and creative names. Like I mentioned before—this is all only as real as we want to make it. Do you want to be tied up and strapped down while Sir Vesuvius takes you to pleasures unknown, moment by delicious moment, your nerves on fire and your head spinning with endorphins as you burn each second of that evening into your memory…or do you want “Chuck from accounts receivable” to do it? Some people adopt a persona or a character, reveling in mystery while cloaking themselves to avoid vanilla issues that they would rather not have to deal with. Honor their right to have a persona and don’t judge or question it.

  A bare ass and a swift cane were meant to be together.

  Hard Limit: What someone absolutely will not do. Not negotiable.

  What “the community” means to me is a place of personal freedom, where you can express yourself without fear of judgment for your sexual desires. The community tends to be warm, welcoming, and can seem very “normal” on the surface. We are brought together by the community because of our differences. A munch can even seem quite boring and “normal”—in Canada, for instance, people spend more time talking about the weather than wild sex-fueled adventures. And when the subject does turn to wild adventures, they will discuss it with the same seriousness as the weather. I like to assist at various events because I believe it is important to give back to a community that has welcomed and encouraged me in my own personal growth as a Dominant.

  —Geordie, Dominant

  Models of Dominance and Submission

  While D/s deals with representations of brutality and cruelty, and the emotional responses to them, adherents are quick to point out that D/s is not about actual acts of brutality and cruelty. It is a consensual power exchange between the two partners and need not involve any brutality (such as corporal punishment) or cruelty (verbal or emotional abuse) at all. It is primarily based upon trust and communication between the partners. It is also based on a deep ethos of mutual respect in which exploration of the emotions brought up by brutality and cruelty can take place in a safe, sane and consensual manner.

  —wikipedia

  In the BDSM world, you can be whoever you want to be

  — even if it’s just for an evening.

  Giving yourself over to someone totally can be the most empowering thing you ever do.

  Whatever your particular kink, someone else will be into it too.

  Hitachi Magic Wand: The greatest vibrator ever. Buy two.

  All of BDSM is only as real as you want it to be or make it between you and your partner or potential partner(s). There are many different degrees of Dominant/submissive relationships: some are monogamous, and some are polyamorous or involving multiple partners. These terms can be applied to both the sexual dynamic as well as the emotional and mental ones. There are many models of dominance and submission. Which is right for you? First of all, your sexuality shouldn’t define you, but it’s definitely an important part of you, so ask yourself this easy question: “What do I want?” What are your personal interests or needs? Do you want to be the Daddy Dom? Do you want to be Catherine the Great? Do you have a desire to be a nurt
uring, sensual Dominant, or a hardcore prick who extracts his pleasure from a suffering body? Do you long to be tied up and used as a sex toy, an object of lust and passion from whose writhing flesh others take their pleasure? Are you a damsel in distress? Are you a hero? What if sexual play doesn’t interest you but you love the fantasy of being a butler in charge of a household for the Master, or a lady-in-waiting? What about observing military protocol—with boots that are spit-polished and everything in its place?

  Get offline, and get outside!

  Hobble Skirt: A long, tight skirt that ends below the knee, which restricts motion of the legs when walking. Results in the wearer walking slowly in a hobbling motion. Think Morticia Adams’s skirt from “The Adams Family” TV show.

  Take a deep breath and remember this is a journey, not a destination. Your interests will be revealed as you take the time to explore. Before you jump into labeling yourself, figure out what attracts you and nudge your way into it. Meet and watch people at fetish events who are doing things that interest you, buy them a drink and see if they are willing to talk with you about what it is that interests them and how they approach it. I find that people love to talk about their favorite subject—themselves. Smile warmly and be sincere and more often than not if they have time they will be happy to share.