How to Be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM

by Morpheous

  At an event I might meet someone and identify myself as a “submissive” and their response might be “Oh great, I need my dishes done, be at my place at three p.m. tomorrow,” and then the next step is we have to have a discussion on what “submissive” means to me. For example, “By ‘submissive’ I mean I enjoy giving my partner pleasure,” et cetera.

  —gregg, submissive extraordinaire

  Face down, ass up is everyone’s favorite position!

  Safe Calls

  Hood: A device to cover the head, either partially or completely, typically made of leather or PVC.

  One interesting transition from the kink crowd into the vanilla dating world is the concept of a safe call. A safe call is useful when you are getting ready to meet someone new—perhaps from the Web or after just having met them in a larger group. You call a friend and say, “Hey, I am meeting someone new at one p.m. for coffee. I will call you at three p.m. if everything is okay.” That way if you don’t call by three they know that they need to take the next step that you have instructed them to—such as calling you and listening for prearranged code words indicating either things are great, such as “Thanks for calling, Mom, I will see you next week,” or, if you are in a very uncomfortable situation, “Mom, I need you to feed my cat.” Your friend should know where you are going and what to do if you are in trouble. A first meeting in the real world should only be an hour or two for the initial contact. DON’T go home with this new acquaintance or off to play.

  Safe calls have been around in the kink world for decades and I am not surprised to see that the practice has spilled out into the vanilla dating world lately. Kinky people are very astute when it comes to meeting new people from the Web, especially when it comes to playtime that can involve sex out of the ordinary—things that are going to be used percussively, bondage, et cetera. A safe call takes a moment to set up and could get you out of a very uncomfortable or potentially dangerous situation. The person meeting you should also be aware that you have a safe call in place and a backup plan. An honorable person will agree to it and a dishonorable one will be offended.

  House Slave: A bottom or submissive who may or may not live with the Dom/me, who acts in a domestic role such as maid or butler service, performing household duties, often while naked. A sexual D/s relationship may or may not be a part of the arrangement.

  First Date

  Beyond arranging that safe call, you’ll want the person you are going to meet to have the same qualities that would interest you in the vanilla world—trustworthiness, empathy, a fun person to be with; the kinky interest just kind of completes the package. Should you jump on a plane and rush across the country filled with passion from your online encounters, your belly fluttering with anticipation of all you have longed for about to come true? Take a breath and take your excitement down a notch. We all have fantasies but we live in reality. One of the problems with developing an online “relationship” with someone is that he or she can present himself any way he likes and at your real-life meeting, he may not live up to your expectations. This is one of the reasons I caution against ongoing cyber affairs, regardless of distance. It is easy to be caught up in the excitement of your first date with a kinky person who matches “everything” your online list states. Ugh: those online lists—nice complete checklists that measure the wide range of human sexuality with little boxes. How much weight can you allow that? Some, granted that at least it gives you an idea what the person is into, but this is why I encourage people to go to munches and get involved in real-life experiences. It is too easy to become lost on the Internet.

  When deciding where to meet them, you should agree on a public setting—a coffee shop in the mall or a restaurant where there are others around to assist if something isn’t right. This is good common sense. Someone who is willing to meet you in a public place probably has her own safe call in place as well. Someone who wants you to come to his house for a first meeting, or get into her car when you first meet her, should be shown your ass…as you are walking away. Don’t put yourself in an uncomfortable situation for a first meeting. Ever.

  At fetish events, don’t touch what isn’t yours, unless you are invited to; in which case, grope away!

  If your sub isn't worn out by the end of a session, you're doing it wrong!

  Parties!

  Humiliation Play: Causing sexual arousal in your partner through elements of shame, humiliation or embarrassment. To be engaged in only consensually.

  There are as many types of fetish parties as there are people. If you live in a metropolitan area, you usually have a variety of choices. Do you want the fetishy crowd where people show off their outfits and dance? Or do you want an event that concentrates on high protocol? Perhaps you want to see people play, and play hard? How do you present yourself as the new Dominant or new submissive without stepping on other toes? You don’t have to pretend to know everything. If it is your first night out or you are new on the scene, find the host and introduce yourself as a newbie—“Hi, I am slave peter and this is my Mistress Queen Sheba. This is our first night out and we wanted to know how to act here so we don’t act inappropriately. We would appreciate your advice.” Being polite and having a smile will get you further than being demanding. Normally, if the host has time (and this is part of the duties of a host) he or she will be happy to introduce you to others and help you get your feet wet. Conversely, there is also something to be said for the voyeuristic approach—there is nothing wrong with being low key and just watching. If you are at an event with play equipment, there will usually be a set of rules posted regarding behavior.

  Insertables: Anything inserted into a bodily opening—i.e. the ass, pussy or mouth—for sexual purposes. Butt plugs, dildos—all Insertables should be covered with a condom before play.

  So what are you going to see at your first fetish event? What exquisite fun things await you? You will hear the music pumping from the moment you walk up the stairs to the club—I always love that moment. There are a whole bunch of clubs that are near and dear to my heart but one particularly has a dingy, skanky feel to the stairway that thousands of bands, kinky people, and bar backs have trod time and time again. The moment I hit those dogleg stairs I start thinking about what is going to happen that night, what might happen and what I hope will happen. My fingers trace the cracked plaster on the walls that have been rubbed raw with desire and expectations over the past one hundred years. After I’ve checked in with the security guards and handled the paperwork of signing the door list, the double doors open up and I see a sea of leather-sheathed bodies grinding to the music. Everyone is dressed to impress on the lower level. The stage show tonight has a grinder girl showering the crowd with sparks of fire—the show will rotate throughout the night with erotic burlesque, rope bondage suspension and the capper, a latex fashion show. There are pieces of equipment around the perimeter of the room that submissives are tied to or are climbing in an attempt to avoid their Mistresses’ whips that sharply catch their tender flesh, only to raise their asses once again after the sting has faded. The tightly packed stairway leads to a dedicated play area with more crosses, benches and couches strewn about the room, being used by people in various modes of undress and play.

  I love the socializing that I get to do at the club—I catch up with my friends old and new every two weeks like this, sharing skills or secret new rope ties I have figured out, and finding out what new things they have been up to. The community is out in full force on these evenings and there is eye candy everywhere as the girls primp and preen, as well as some of the men. All-black-wearing Masters are countered gracefully by Mistresses in tight-laced corsets and long flowing gowns. Submissives and slaves are sometimes naked, or sometimes dressed the way their owners’ desire. A tantalizing sea of flesh pulses both to the music heard and to their own beat almost until the sun comes up.

  As someone who has always engaged with her sexuality in an almost purely academic fashion and who has made a serious commitment
to educating people about safer sex practices, my first appearance at and adventure into Toronto’s fetish and BDSM scene was an eye-opening one! My penchant for all things dramatic, my synchronous passions for both performance and voyeurism, coupled with my innate curiosity about all things sexual and my love of a good story resulted in my securing press passes to switch, Northbound Leather’s annual fetish party, held in Toronto in 2007. I was fortunate to have been exposed to some of the more classic elements of fetishism and BDSM via a seminar taught by Professor Leslie Katz at the University of Toronto. Consequently, nothing I encountered at switch was truly shocking, ranging from the full-body PVC costumes, to the St. Andrew’s crosses, to the rather excellent bootblacking service. What I was unprepared for and found pleasantly surprising was the politeness, tact and appreciation for personal space that the general population at the event embodied and maintained. In other club spaces, and as a relatively diminutive woman of color, negotiating one’s personal space can be a challenge at best and a traumatic experience at worst. At switch, in an environment where I was virtually surrounded by a primarily male and Caucasian crowd I felt the safest I’d ever been in a club setting. It is incredibly refreshing to know concretely on a deeply personal instead of removed academic level that within the fetish community, active open communication about what is and isn’t personally acceptable, safe, sane and consensual isn’t just encouraged, it’s desirable and incredibly sexy.

  —Niya B., Chair Elect, 2007–2008, Sexual Diversity Studies Students’ Union, Mark S. Bonham Center for Sexual Diversity Studies, University of Toronto

  Infantilism: Role-play in which the adult participant takes on the role of an infant, dressing in diapers and engaging in infant play with toys or sucking on a pacifier. See Role-Play.

  As we learned in chapter 3, there is one universal rule at a fetish event, and that is Don’t touch what isn’t yours unless invited. This means toys or other people. Kinky people are sticklers for boundaries and will enforce them. If you grab someone’s ass at a nightclub or try to fondle him or her, you usually get a slap or the bouncer will escort you to the door. If you try it at a fetish event, keep in mind most people are carrying striking implements with them to begin with.

  You will usually find a play area separate from the socializing area, with dungeon equipment set up at various stations. There will be a pm (Play Monitor) or dm (Dungeon Monitor) person walking the perimeter, making sure the rules of public play are adhered to. They won’t be intrusive to those playing and enjoying themselves in the scene. Normally they will have an identifying red armband, and their role is to provide immediate assistance if there is a safety issue, especially if first aid is required (and for those hosts that read this book, I would strongly advise you to select people as pms or dms that have training in first aid). They also ensure that the code words for the evening are known to everyone who enters to play. There are various regional differences but what is becoming the universal standard is: “Green, Yellow, and Red.” The use and meaning of these code words will be covered more fully in chapter 8, Safety. Importantly, they direct the traffic in the play area, keep track of who is waiting in line for equipment and make sure there is no one bothering the après players in the cooldown area. If you want to know if there is a waiting list for a particular piece of equipment, just find one of the red-banded monitors and ask nicely. Seldom will there be people queued behind the St. Andrew’s cross—that would ruin the vibe for those playing on it. The pm or dm will keep a mental note or have some way of keeping track of who is in the queue.

  Applying for an internship has never been more fun!

  Spanking over the knee

  1 Take your parner firmly.

  2 Pull her across your lap.

  3 Fold her wrists behind her back and hold them here.

  4 Pull her panties down firmly, and tell her she has been a bad girl and needs to be spanked.

  5 Make a firm, open palm, keeping your fingers together.

  6 Hit the fleshy prat of her bottom, alternating between hard whacks and smooth touching. Tell her it is for her own good.

  Inversion Table: A flat table the submissive can be bound to that pivots so that the submissive can be rotated upright or upside down.

  Who becomes a pm or dm? pms and dms are volunteers from the community that want to give back to the scene. It is an unpaid job but certainly not thankless. It is filled by experienced players who do a shift for about one to two hours. If you want to learn how to be a pm or dm, tell the host you would be interested in being a part of the next event and ask how you can do so. If you are a newbie you will shadow an experienced pm and dm until you satisfy the host’s requirements before being allowed to have a shift on your own. It is also a really great way to meet people in the scene at events since you will be forced to interact with them.

  Recently I volunteered at a BDSM market event held in Atlanta, a fundraising Bake Sale for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. Every room and corner was stuffed with sensual merchandise. People from all walks of life began to pour through the double doors. There were lots of new faces as well as folks I had seen before at parties and munches.

  People were wandering around in various states of titillation and disinterest. It hit me that I was standing in this booth designed to support the protection of “Sexual Freedom.” Okay, I thought, let’s test it! The next “customer” was a woman looking like anybody I’d meet at the grocery store. She was paying me no mind and trying to read over a cake label. I made a slight move toward her and got her attention. “Did you hear about our special? Between now and four o’clock, every person that purchases a goody to support the National Coalition of Sexual Freedom gets a free bonus. If you are so inclined, you are invited to grope or be groped by me.” She cocked her head slightly then smiled. She turned her head back to the table of sweets and said, “I’ll take a slice of pie and those cookies.” When the bakery transaction was completed, she emptied her arms and put them down by her side, lifted her shoulders back to display her breasts, and stepped toward me and proclaimed, “All right, now YOU may please ME.” The only difference between an ordinary situation and an extraordinary situation is just that little extra. For the next fifty minutes, I had the most awesome opportunity to get a spectacular and personal view into a diverse group of people’s lives. How much time would it have taken me to get that much information if I had opted to limit my search to www.insertnameofkinkycruisingwebsitehere.com?

  —Artemis Hunter, hetero-flexible Switch

  Thigh high latex stockings will accentuate your gorgeous curves.

  Pool tables are excellent places to tie your submissives!

  There are a lot of different issues that arise when you first start getting into kinky sex, such as: how do you deal with vanilla issues in a scene and how do you deal with scene issues in vanilla life? There are people involved in this lifestyle in 24/7 roles of Master/Mistress and slave and newbies usually wonder, how did they get to the point where they have that kind of relationship? Other issues such as, should you punish a recalcitrant submissive that is being bratty and doesn’t want to do what you asked him to? What if you are at a party and she does something to embarrass you? These questions are easy to answer. First of all, compassion is essential in any human relationship. That has to be above all else and always foremost in your mind. Second, picking someone to be involved with who has a low drama threshold is a great way to avoid certain obvious speed bumps. Remember, these are roles we are playing with at fetish events. If someone is making demands outside the boundaries you have established or agreed upon, there is nothing wrong with you taking him aside (always do it away from an audience) and saying “Red—you are not within the boundaries that we agreed upon and you are making me uncomfortable. This is your only warning before I stop with you.” If the other person continues his behavior then you can let the whole role drop—remember the old adage: the best way to punish a masochist is by not punishing them. You ALWAYS have the choice to l
eave a situation if it isn’t right. Always. No one should ever cajole you into playing if you don’t feel up to it. I have had more than several instances where I was looking forward to a fetish party all week long and at the last minute my date and I weren’t feeling the vibe to play when we walked in the door. That is okay—truly it is. Don’t get bitchy and demanding, or try to coerce someone into play just because you are all hot and bothered. Sometimes the vibe isn’t there and that is cool—there are lots of ways to enjoy yourself at a fetish event; you don’t HAVE to play. Use your time to socialize more, network, or even simply dance.

  Submissives and slaves sometimes yank their own chain. So to speak.

  Japanese Bondage: A style of rope bondage that originated from the Far East, particularly Japan, that is characterized by elaborate patterns of rope used to restrain and stimulate the submissive.

  Many times I have gone out to dinner or a party with a slave or two in lifestyle mode, even dressed in a manner that would raise interest from those involved in the lifestyle, but well within acceptable boundaries of the vanilla world. My dates, or slaves, are always instructed to act appropriately. There was one incident that required me to do a bit of damage control. How you deal with scene issues if they come up in vanilla life is based on your integrity. I had a slave who was new and eager to please, and in her eagerness, the first time she was meeting my family she addressed me as “Master” in front of them. I had to explain this crazy lifestyle to them afterward, about how it is all consensual between adults and that it was a real turn-on for both her and me. I promised she wouldn’t do it again and make them feel uncomfortable. Then she and I had a long talk about what is important to me and my boundaries and that I understood she was new and eager but that being my slave didn’t give her license for her brain to take a holiday; on the contrary, serving me would require her to be on the ball more than ever. Thankfully my family accepted our relationship and didn’t even raise an eyebrow over it all, having suspected I was into kinky sex since college. Personally I believe extreme honesty in all phases of this lifestyle is essential for one’s growth potential.