How to Be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM

by Morpheous

  —Joe, Master

  Sometimes you might witness activities at a party that you are uncomfortable with. What is allowed at some venues isn’t allowed at others. When two experienced people are getting ready to do some “edge play” at a party, they will have already checked with the pm or dm before entering the play area. There are some really wild and imaginative things people get into—you can do wonders with a role of plastic wrap, olive oil, thirty inches of surgical tubing and a hairbrush. If you aren’t comfortable with what you’re seeing, then turn and walk to a different part of the room, or if you are really uncomfortable, then pick up your coat and leave. What you shouldn’t do is cause a commotion. If you see what you perceive as the abuse of a slave in front of the room in the play area, you don’t have a clue what the real dynamic is that’s going on between the people involved in the scene. Perhaps the submissive enjoys degradation or cruelty. It is not for you to judge and you certainly should not jump into the middle of it and demand that it stop. That is not your role. Let the pms and dms do their job if they feel that it is going outside the boundaries that were established initially. You might also feel that someone in the community is being abused and want to rush to help them and be the “rescuer.” That is not your judgment call either. Do NOT go up to him and insist that he is being abused and that it has to stop. This is not the time to be judgmental. What you can do is approach the individual in a friendly manner and say, “You know, I saw you doing some really hard things last time we were out. If you want to talk sometime don’t hesitate to call if you need me.” That way he will know that you are a compassionate person who is available if he needs you. Some people really get off on hard pain and that might be something you as a newbie are having a hard time getting your head around, but it is very attractive to those who enjoy it.

  Bondage is a fine art.

  A lot of people love face sitting, and it's not hard to see why.

  Kami: A technique that involves tying the hair. Often times rope will be braided into long hair and then used to keep the head in one place.

  Integrity, honor and your reputation are all you really have in the public scene; you should safeguard these things.

  Pitfalls

  BDSM/kink can be a really hot and heavy engaging experience. After all, that is what attracts most of us to it! There has been a lot written and discussed about it as a sexually or physically centered activity, but it can also be incredibly powerful emotionally and mentally. In my experience there is something very special about being able to share kinky times with someone you love—but you may not be interested in love. However much humans love to fuck, sex usually comes with emotional and mental needs that may or may not be met by regular play partners. Not every situation is going to be perfect. What if your new submissive friend suddenly becomes so emotionally attached to you that she flies into a jealous rage if you discuss playing with someone else? How will you handle your feelings about your new Dominant who wants to create a stable of submissives? Should you feel hurt and left out? How will you feel if a scene comes to an end with both of you sweaty and exhausted on the floor, and you are just settling into a nice warm afterglow, and then your partner suddenly jumps up and says, “Hey, that was great but I have to get out of here!” and pulls on his or her pants and leaves?

  People have their own needs and expectations, and how successfully you deal with negotiation before you play will help shape what is going to happen, and what might come apart in the end. Don’t ask someone to provide something he or she cannot, and know what it is that you want. Know your own sexuality. If you have expectations that need to be met, then you have to initially ask if the other person can provide what you need. It is always better going in with both eyes open than having stars in them when that new Dominant meets your gaze across the room and your breath gets caught in your throat like a sparrow in a cage. You also don’t want to heap all of your expectations on your partner. This is one of the reasons I caution people to have really explored their sexuality before they get too wrapped up in kinky sex. You have to have the ability to enjoy an afternoon of delights and still be able to say, “That was lovely, I hope you have a great rest of the day,” and then be able to leave and treasure the experience as a beautiful memory without any guilt or longing or jealousy. The tighter you hold on to something the faster you will lose it, and there are as many experiences to come as there are clouds in the sky. A lot of times people start playing with each other and they become regular partners outside of any sort of primary relationship. Emotions can and will develop with someone you play with; it is inevitable and sometimes it is reciprocal. You may love what someone does to you but you don’t have to be in love with him or her. Recognize, validate and communicate that.

  Karada: A body harness made of rope. Typically of Japanese origin; rope is tied around the body with diamond patterns descending down the body. Many practitioners of Japanese rope bondage (shibari) use it as a foundation for more complex ties.

  If someone becomes too emotionally attached to you and you are uncomfortable, then you have to immediately take steps to reestablish boundaries. Immediately. Don’t wimp out with the “If I just ignore them they will go away” method of dealing with situations—that is a terrible way to treat someone else. Be up front and honest. She may or may not like you afterward but she will respect you. This goes both for Dominants and submissives. Just because you like to be submissive doesn’t mean you have to let yourself be blown in any direction someone else desires. Be a person with character and you will gain respect, and respect is very attractive.

  Let me give you an example of how you might handle yourself in this situation: you have done all your reading, have about a year or two of experience under your belt and have become very well known for your flogging techniques that you show off at fetish parties. There is a very tasty sub that belongs to someone else and he or she comes up to you and asks you if you would be interested in playing with him. If you are also interested and you know he is “collared” (in a relationship involving belonging to or being owned by another) you should say thank you and then immediately turn to his Dominant/Mistress/Master/Top and say “Thank you for having X approach me. I would enjoy giving her a stout flogging; what are the boundaries you have both set?” Once you hear that, you can communicate your own boundaries. “So I can flog him here and there, no insertion, et cetera, and you do understand that I will not be providing any aftercare, yes?” This approach does something immediately—it automatically involves the sub’s primary partner in the decision-making process. It asks him or her for her feedback and if she is a Dominant, she will respect your approach. It also reasserts her position as the Dominant in her relationship with the submissive. I hesitate to negotiate with a collared submissive on his or her own; I find the approach I’ve just described to be more proactive in dealing with boundaries. Always respect the boundaries you have been granted if you are playing with someone else’s “toy.”

  Avoid situations that would have you playing on the side without a partner’s notice; that can have a variety of endings and not many of them are good. Of course, this is assuming the situation involves a collared submissive or slave. What if someone is part of a slightly kinky couple but there are no roles defined? Take the same approach, just word it so it is softer and gentler. If you really are someone who is becoming known for your flogger technique then tell this sub nicely that you would like to take her up on her offer and “Let’s go tell your partner, who is here tonight, all the yummy things I am going to do to you to warm you up for him later.” Be open, honest and respectful and you will find your playdate calendar filling up quite quickly!

  Your First Party

  Know your personal boundaries, know the play rules of the dungeon and identify the DM (Dungeon Master) in case he or she is needed.

  Don’t touch what isn’t yours unless invited—this goes for toys and people.

  Never interrupt a scene in progress at a party.

 
Locate the cooldown area for après play and arrange a space in it for when you are done with your playmate.

  Be aware of which toys you have brought. (If you leave a toy at the end of the night, chances are you won’t get it back, so leave the handcrafted floggers at home for personal enjoyment.)

  Once you get the basics of rope bondage, it opens up a whole world of endless creativity!

  Chapter Six

  * * *

  Pain and Pleasure

  What do we get out of being tied up, spanked, tortured and tormented? Where is the line between pleasure and pain and what are all the points in between? How do you determine where your own personal interest in sensation play lies and how do you know what is healthy “pain” and what is truly damaging? There are many lines and gray areas in kinky play, from a delicious bite on a nipple to a pair of snug clamps, to hard bondage and all points in between. What follows is meant to help you understand how we can experience pleasure from pain and how you may use it as a starting point for your kinky explorations.

  Psychological and Physiological Characteristics of “Pain”

  I like to think of “sensation play” as a large buffet dinner full of food that is varied and unique with its own flavors. Each one tastes a little different than the rest, each has its own texture and initial flavor and finish, and in combination with others it can produce even more intense and wonderful sensations. The title of this chapter is somewhat misleading; I find pain and pleasure to be somewhat limiting terms. It might better be titled Sensation Play. Those sensations are what will help release various chemicals and hormones in the body and create the experience of “flying” that people who reach “subspace” (which is just what it sounds like—more on this shortly) are always yammering on and on about. Don’t be jealous if it hasn’t happened for you yet. By helping you to understand it, I am going to give you a better chance getting there.

  Bondage shouldn’t be restricted to the bedroom — or the dungeon.

  Kennel Play: Part of Puppy Play, where the submissive or bottom is confined in a small dog kennel as part of the scene.

  Are pain and pleasure opposites, or can they coexist in the same moment? Once I was getting a deep tissue massage. The therapist dug hard into my back and shoulders, pushing against the muscle so hard that the pain was excruciating. Then with a final push, the muscle reset back into its original position. There was a wave of euphoria accompanied by a deep, guttural moan reserved only for when I’m overwhelmed by sensation. It was as if someone had suddenly flipped a switch from intense pain to extraordinary pleasure. The change was sudden, but I was certainly not feeling pain and pleasure at the same time. I envy the “pain slut” masochists who take extreme pleasure in receiving uncomfortable sensations. To me, their ability to make pain and pleasure synonymous is as awe inspiring as it is foreign.

  Like many bottoms, I endure pain for the eventual reward, but don’t relish pain as the reward itself. I can remember being up against the St. Andrew’s cross, my Top working over my all-too-sensitive nipples: digging into them with her sharp nails, clamping and twisting them to make me squirm and scream. Although I didn’t find pleasure in the sensation itself, I did find it in my Top’s gleeful response to my reactions. Another Top had me hold an uncomfortable position for a long period of time. She took pleasure in knowing that my muscles were burning, and knowing I was pleasing her kept me going. She was inspiring me to endure more pain in order to draw out that moment of mutual pleasure just a little bit longer. Tops need to be able to read their bottoms well. My tolerance for intense sensation will be different for each scene, depending on my mood, how tired I am, how often I’ve been playing, and other factors. The same cane stroke that left me squealing in pleasure last time could have me screaming in agony. After we’ve played a few times, Tops are able to read me a bit better. Of course, the easiest thing to do is just ask me how something feels. Once a Top can identify what’s painful and what’s pleasurable, he or she is able to dispense each in turn to orchestrate the scene.

  —gregg, submissive extraordinaire

  The more dramatic your dress up, the hotter the scene!

  Playing with a limber partner will take you places you never dreamed of.

  Leather Butt: A common term that describes a part of someone’s body that has had prolonged stimulation, making that part less sensitive over time.

  All play has to be within your personal limits. There is no point in suffering if you are getting nothing out of it; pain shouldn’t exceed the receiver’s hard limits, and this goes for Tops and bottoms, Doms and subs. Remember, this book is about getting into kinky sex for pleasure and gratification. We are talking about consensual “pain and pleasure”—although I have yet to meet a submissive or bottom who complains that there is too much pleasure and it is beyond his limits! There are bad types of pain such as the feeling of “pins and needles” in the hands and feet and this needs to be acknowledged as the circulatory system being restricted and the nerves letting you know that there is something wrong that requires immediate attention. If you feel a stabbing or numbness this too could be an indication of nerve pain or compression, and it is the body’s way of telling you that there is something seriously not right. Nerve pain is not something to blow off casually. Beware of a play partner that encourages you to “suck it up” and “work through the pain” if it is this kind of pain! The types of pain we would like to deliver and have accepted are mostly musculoskeletal “pain,” the delicious achy sensations that are desirable in BDSM. For instance, when I have a submissive tied up in a delicious and restrictive position and her muscles are groaning and achy from being bound, she relishes that enduring type of sensation. Now, if her hands or feet start to go numb and “fall asleep” that is a bad type of pain and has to be immediately addressed.

  Every submissive person has different specific desires; not all want to be caged, or forced into servitude.

  An experienced mistress can help you to explore yourself in new and thrilling ways.

  It takes a little practice to get to know your body, or that of your sub, and how it reacts to various toys and situations. When I was first starting out as a Dominant, I had a chance to meet a very lovely lass that I caught eyeing me up at a play party. We met, chatted and arranged for a playdate the following week at my place. She was also fairly new and we were immensely attracted to each other. I cleared my schedule, and we had an entire Saturday afternoon for exploring together. The first thing I did was tie her to my four-poster bed. I like to use a noncompressing type of “cuff” made out of rope for tying wrists and ankles and soon she was stretched on top of my eight-hundred-thread-count duvet cover and looked delicious as the “damsel about to be in distress.” Using a light deerskin flogger on her smooth belly and tender thighs, I was beginning to bring a nice flush to the skin, switching back and forth between nice, yummy and very safe slappy sensations to begin with, then adding harder striking that would make her jump a little. About fifteen minutes into our playtime she looked at me and gently said, “Um, Sir, my fingers in my left hand are tingling.” I replied, “Would you like the cuff off or just loosened?” Given a choice, she said “Please just loosen it a little; I am loving what you are doing.” I checked her hands for circulation (see the thumbnail test in chapter 8) and it was apparent that in my eagerness I had tied her arms a little too tightly. It was a simple matter of loosening both restraints so she had about seven more inches of play in the rope, and that relieved her tingling sensations with the ability to flex her arms and wrists. A simple fix. Sometimes it can be a simple matter of readjusting the restraints or rearranging to make someone more comfortable in a realistic position. We were able to continue our scene without any other issues because we had previously negotiated that if there were any sensations that were of the “bad kind,” she was to alert me and I would act upon it immediately.

  Lifestyle: Referring to involvement in BDSM i.e., “How long have you been in the lifestyle?”

  I am a
submissive, but I don’t have a desire to be collared. I am not about 24/7, just about having fun. What I get the most pleasure out of is bondage, really heavy bondage—immobilization. I love leather and metal together, it gets me really hot. However there needs to be an aesthetic beauty to what it is we are doing. I love heavy metal cuffs that are lined with leather. In my vanilla life I am really in control and play is a great therapeutic way of leaving my life behind for a few hours. I am not really into “pain” per se although there is a component of “challenge” that I enjoy immensely. I am bratty and can totally get my ass kicked for it during the scene, because I don’t want to wimp out and afterward it feels like a badge of honor. I love to have my hair pulled, to be pushed around, picked up and manhandled roughly; even my bruises afterward have an aesthetic value that I enjoy, reminding me of my playdate for days afterward.