How to Be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM

by Morpheous

  —Jenica, submissive

  Chances are you have surfed images on the Internet and seen hot pics of women and men bound in delicious and contorted positions. Their torment looks deliciously exciting, their positions are hard-core looking and the torture intense but remember, this is the real world, and those are professional paid models. Reality can be just as hot, but it has to be more realistic and as a kinky person you need to understand the difference between the Internet and reality. Don’t measure your own skills or evolution against those depicted in the media. You wouldn’t judge yourself against a magazine ad or a movie star, so don’t fall into the mindset that every submission or domination experience should be just like what is depicted on the Internet. It won’t be. It can’t be.

  Masochism: The act of receiving pain for sensual/sexual pleasure.

  It can be better.

  Better to have a partner you care about and can really get intimate with and explore all those nooks and crannies in both of your psyches. To find out what turns someone on immensely and then take her on a delicious journey; to push his limits and embrace him afterward in your arms and hold him close. To see them endure all of your torment just for the simple fact that they care about enduring for you and your ministrations. The ideal submissives want to endure and persevere “just because” as their Dominant it pleases you to see them suffer deliciously. And then when it is all over and you are both feeling that exquisite afterglow of satisfaction and connectedness, the experience is much more rewarding than the cold circuitry of servers, keyboards or the corporate product of fetish porn could ever be.

  Pleasure. I love that word. I love the aspect of controlling a woman’s feelings, her reactions and ultimately her orgasm. I love to seduce; I am very tactile and take pleasurable touch to a whole other level. I might start with a simple massage or back rub and a long foot massage as well. If people can get over the barrier of touch, it can break down the walls that deter really deep communication. For myself I am more intuitively able to communicate thorough touch than through conversation. I see it as its own language—I can convey confidence without ever saying a word. I love the erotic, sensual horniness that you can feel from your partners when you are in tune with them. The other half of the journey is the response I get from them. Noticing how they react when I get near their erogenous zones, how breathing quickens. It is a dead giveaway and they don’t have to say a word for me to understand where they are and where they are going and that I am going to take them there.

  For example, I had a beautiful woman facedown on my carpet and was straddling her bum. After I had massaged her for a while, I had her raise herself up on her forearms so I could firmly but gently stroke her as I slipped my hands under her sweater to cup her engorged nipples and the soft fullness of each breast. Her body language and moans directed me to understand without speaking a word that she would like me to go further. The suggestion is made via touch, and the response is the indication of how turned on she is and because there are very few words spoken it takes things to a more primal, carnal level for us both where words aren’t necessary.

  —Cristophe, Top

  Nipple clamps

  1 Grab your nipple clamps and straddle your submissive seductively.

  2 Squeeze the nipple clamp open, being careful not to have lubed up, slippery fingers.

  3 Pinch the nipple gently and pull it up.

  4 Place the jaws of the clamp to pinch behind the actual nipple.

  5 Have them take a deep breath in, and release the jaws slowly on the breath out.

  6 Repeat with the other nipple clamp, then gently tug and sway the chain to see how they like it!

  Master: Dominant male in a BDSM relationship. Also implies they are masters of their area of expertise.

  Playing can be very physical. I highly recommend that bottoms or submissives practice yoga or some form of exercise routine that focuses on stretching, as well as living a healthy lifestyle. As a bottom you will take a lot of physical intensity from the Top or Dominant and you should take care of your body and fine-tune your relationship with it. It is the only one you have; keep it happy before we make it ache and groan. This attitude also goes for your play partners—you want someone who will respect your body as well. There is a classic saying in the kink world: if you break your toys, you don’t get to play with them again. This goes for partners as well as other toys. Tops and bottoms should take this to heart.

  Subspace

  Subspace: what is this mythical creature that you keep hearing bandied about on the Internet and in books? It is a wonderful combination of the right moment in a scene, the right sensations, the right ambience and the resultant endorphins that give a submissive or bottom the sensation of leaving his or her body or “flying.” It doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does it makes kinky sex a magical experience. How do you get there? Achieving this state is usually the result of many variables, one of them being how intense a sensation is. Pain is a sensation but so is pleasure. Using sensation to take someone on an exquisite journey is exciting and exhilarating. Not many people can orgasm just by sheer pain alone. If you as a Dominant concentrate just on administering pain as a sensation then you are really missing out on a wide variety of sensations available for this journey. The same goes for pleasure. The journey between both sensations is what keeps playtime interesting and special, varying the sub’s experience and giving his mind and body time to absorb and process it. Typically the body can get used to almost any sensation after about twenty minutes; then the receptors in the body read it all as about “the same” and work at blocking it out. Think about it this way: You can deliver a long, luxurious massage, during which your partner is putty under the firm strokes of your hands. He or she feels all yummy and warm, but wouldn’t it be a nice way to accentuate those feelings if your blood-red nails were sharply toying with his nipples? How about the same massage, but your partner is blindfolded and each time you slide your hands over her body, the hair on her skin stands up to attention and her breathing increases, and then you dangle a few hot drips of wax and splash them onto her belly? That sharpness will make her crave the yummy sensations even more! Building and working a nice ebb and flow between yummy feelings and intense ones, and how creatively you execute that journey is what will set you apart from the average, run-of-the-mill Top. Think of your playmate’s body as a beautiful musical instrument intended for your enjoyment. Would you rather play a symphony with it or produce the kind of tinny sound that squawks from an AM radio? How much is your sexuality worth? Don’t you want the best for both of you?

  Good girls go to heaven, but bad girls go anywhere they want!

  Milking: Stimulating a male’s prostate with a finger or dildo to produce an orgasm. Also refers to causing him to orgasm repeatedly until he is unable to produce any more ejaculate. A nap afterward is inevitable.

  I lie on a table, blindfolded and waiting. Sir has wrapped my body with so much rope I feel like a fly ready to be cast as bait. And bait I am. Lips touch my mouth, soft, but not Sir’s. A rush of warmth and anticipation floods down my body; Sir has opened the door, I am a free-for-all. I will not disappoint Sir; I return the kiss with enthusiasm. Something soft touches between my legs. A hand? Feathers? Another set of lips press against mine. The coarse fibers of the hemp rope bite into my skin as I writhe in delight at being so exposed. My blindfold keeps me in solitude, but I am the helpless center of attention.

  —Haba, submissive

  With strap on play, you can never have too much lube!

  Ball gags can make your slave feel deliciously helpless.

  Mistress: Dominant female in a BDSM relationship. Also implies they are masters in their area of expertise.

  Together you can both get to that space of interconnectedness where time and feelings melt into the moment if you take your time and try not to have expectations that you “need” or “should” get there. Learning about your partner and what gets him or her off is all about caring for him an
d not every scene has to be hard hitting with a heavy flogger or whip—it is really good to be creative and explore all the subtle nuances of his sexuality. Maybe he likes to be tied up and tickled. Maybe she just wants to be bound and gagged and left alone in some quiet time. Maybe she wants a dp with you and that new toy you brought home, or maybe she’s having an illicit affair with the Hitachi Magic Wand and wants you to use it more on her. It doesn’t matter what takes your partner there; what matters is that YOU are the one taking him there. There is never any reason to be jealous of or see yourself as “competing” with toys, what is important is that YOU are wielding them and being a connected partner. Being in the moment with your playmate, trading feelings and intimacy is what’s important. Everything else is just a tool. If you aren’t feeling “it” on a particular evening and your partner is, you can either say “Not tonight, baby” or perhaps just doing a nice simple hog-tie and letting her lie at your feet while you read the paper is a compromise both of you can live with. I find that in kinky sex there are so many varying degrees of excitement that something simple that doesn’t require a large exertion of effort can be a way of saying “I am not feeling up for a big scene but I still care about you, now open your mouth and let me put the ball gag in so I don’t have to listen to you whine anymore.” It all depends on your level of involvement with your partner; all of this is only as “real” as you want to make it.

  Him

  I don’t see myself as a sadist who likes to hurt people, but I do enjoy inflicting pain. To see the way the human body reacts to a pinch or a slap or the crack of a whip is fascinating, and to see the pleasure my lovely wife, cat, gets from it is truly a thrill. Everyone has a different level of pain tolerance. I like to push a person to that level and have her want more. I get excited when my wife becomes animalistic and completely oblivious to the world around her when I’ve whipped her with a flogger. The raw sexual energy that it creates in her gets passed to me, driving us to levels I never thought possible. Feeling her skin tensing and trembling under my touch, knowing she’s wondering “Will it hurt? How much will it hurt? How long will it hurt?” is my one true mental sadistic quality—making her wonder just what I’m going to do to her next.

  —Rat, Dominant

  Bonadge is a source of immense pleasure for those who are into it.

  Munch: A casual gathering of people who are into BDSM meeting at a vanilla place (such as a pub) for friendly socializing. There is no play or showing off of toys (including people) at a Munch.

  Her

  The warmth and wholeness I feel while being in a masochistic role is hard to explain to those that haven’t experienced it before. Coming into a play session I feel younger and shyer than I have in years. Then during the application and receiving of pain I feel warmth, happiness, confidence, strength, control and beauty. With the rush of endorphins I can understand how I can feel some of these things. The others I like to think I feel because I am growing and learning, strengthening a hidden side of myself that shows in my daily routines.

  The physical attributes like slimming and tightening of the skin, toning of the muscles, and cardio advantages of course give me another reason to love it. My husband, Rat, a sadist and percussionist, inflicts the pain play upon me. When we are together in these roles I feel a closer bond with him than in any of our fifteen years together. Consensual pain is as gratifying as most sexual encounters. We breathe as one, think as one, climax as one, love as one.

  —cat, submissive

  In my experience, when I go to a playdate with the expectation of something specific happening—say, a woman squirting or letting me try out a new way of tying her to the bed/coffee table/kitchen island—and it doesn’t happen, then it’s a problem with my own expectations and not any fault of hers. You have to let go of the desire to force something; enjoy it if it does happen and don’t dwell on it if it doesn’t. No individual is quite the same, and what worked for one person won’t necessarily work for another. Letting go of expectations, getting lost in the moment, and seeing where the scene goes is one of the beautiful aspects of kinky sex. Enjoy the journey. Many times I might have riding crops and candles at the ready, but instead of my tying her tightly to the bed, she moans when I clasp her wrists together in my large palm and pin them helplessly above her head while I trace and tease her pouting lips with a strawberry, left over from dessert, held gently in my own. I avoid scripted scenes. I like to have a general idea of what I would like to explore based on my partner’s own responses and desires and I always keep that in my head, but I hesitate to force something that isn’t working. How things go can also be affected by the type of day the other person is having, if they are tired or well rested, or even if he or she has had enough to eat. Some people find that it is either harder or easier to get to subspace depending on their experience levels. Someone who is an experienced bottom may understand the nuances of his body so well that he knows his triggers and what will help him get to subspace.

  Mummification: A type of bondage where the submissive is wrapped completely with plastic wrap, duct tape or fabric. Caution: close monitoring is important as the body can overheat quickly when completely wrapped.

  I have a control issue. I am always in control—at work, in my home life, et cetera—and when I am going to play with someone I embrace the submissive side of me and allow them to take over the reins. There is a release where I can yell and scream and yelp and cry and then still be able to take more. I love to push myself and I hate to fail. If someone who is playing with me uses the term “you are being punished” I actually get upset. I respond very well and can push my limits if instead they are encouraging and supportive. When I go into a scene with someone I start by asking myself “What is going to test my limit today?” I enjoy a thuddy type of pain, not so much the sharp and stingy, but it also depends on my feelings that day and how far I want to push myself. As far as pleasure goes, I love the exquisiteness of a good mind fuck. If I am blindfolded, my mind cycles through all the possibilities. What are they picking up to hit me with next? How are they looking at me? What are they thinking of next? I find that very pleasurable—the anticipation.

  —Tracy, submissive

  The Dominant sets the stage for the submissive to explore him or her self. Doms are merely the vehicle by which their playmates investigate their own boundaries. Context is key. The Dom gets to play god, the puppet master, the one that controls everything about the scene and the stimuli that the sub is being tormented or rewarded with. Everything is based upon a foundation of trust, and trust is what makes or breaks a scene. Whether you are going to administer a harsh sensation or a yummy one, having your partner submit and surrender to it carries an amazing sexual charge.

  The Sybian blurs pain and pleasure, as it gives your subbie forced orgasms.

  Negotiation: Coming to an agreeable arrangement based on activities and interests.

  Pain, in varying forms, is an integral aspect of our Domination/submission relationship. Erotic pain, pleasurable pain, and the extreme pain involved in punishment, are each woven into the fabric of our life partnership. As different as each is, they all give me, the Dominant, pleasure. I enjoy meting out physical pain and what builds before it is even more intoxicating. That is anticipation. Anticipation, the rising excitement flowing from knowing that a scene will happen at a specified time. For the Dominant, the anticipation is in the planning; for the submissive, the anticipation is in the suspense of not knowing just how the scene might unfold. Although we enjoy vanilla sex regularly, the heightened eroticism of kinky sex is often the best. The anticipation can begin with simple directions such as “no panties” when we dine out, or with an action; having my sub enter a café for takeout while naked under her coat is a favorite of mine. Her instructions for preparation can be a little more involved: dressing in the specified lingerie, putting a blindfold on, and kneeling at the door holding a glass of wine in anticipation of my return. Another favorite game is “Implement of the Day.” I spe
ak those words in the morning and she is left wondering all day what implement will be hanging inside the front door when she returns from work. Upon arrival, she wordlessly takes the implement upstairs, undresses, bathes, shaves herself and lies naked on the bed awaiting my arrival. Our erotic play usually begins with percussion: spanking, paddling, light cropping or caning. Cuddling, kissing, and caressing follow, interspersed with pussy whipping, and clitoral or nipple torture. The goal is to integrate the pain with the eroticism until she is on the edge of an orgasm. She must ask permission to orgasm; it can be denied or delayed until I grant permission.

  —Master William, Dominant

  Submissives, slaves, bottoms and usually Switches will all tell you what their “cage” looks like. In other words, what makes them tick, what makes them horny and wet and stiff and hard, how they like to be treated and what makes them crave playtime. All a Dominant or Top has to do is listen and listen carefully. I have been accused of being “scary” at times as a Dominant “because you listen, Morpheous, and not many do.” That is possibly the most important wisdom I can offer. Listen. Really listen to what your playmates are saying. They absolutely will tell you how big their cage is, where the bars are and where their escape routes are; where the restraints are, how they like to be tied and where their interests lie that will make them crave to go back into that cage again and again. Your role as a Dominant or Top is to facilitate their journey and keep them in their cage so they can better explore their own desires and experiences. Consensually, of course.