How to Be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM

by Morpheous

  Things to Remember about Safety

  Consent is paramount. We don’t coerce someone into play.

  Never leave anyone alone in bondage EVER.

  No drinking or drugs while playing.

  Make sure any toy to be inserted is smooth and rounded.

  Know who you are playing with and their sexual health.

  Corporal punishment is extra hot when coupled with a teacher’s desk.

  Chapter Nine

  * * *

  Calling in The Professionals

  A long slender leg sheathed in a leather boot, her riding crop tip playfully toying along the arch of her foot, hair in a severe bun and eyes broadcasting a dominant strength that makes you feel your place is to kneel before this Woman, this Dominatrix, this Goddess… You’ve seen those photos, the ones that make your submissive heart jump into your throat and create a stirring deep inside you. What if you don’t have the time or resources to find a partner that you can develop a long-lasting kinky relationship with? Enter the professional Dominatrix or “Domina.” While there are professional male Dominants, the majority of the industry is female led; that is the reality of the industry. There are many reasons why someone chooses to take his desires to a professional. He may feel that the anonymity of the situation can free him from the social restraints of his vanilla life and let his sexuality soar, albeit for just a little while. Some people prefer the convenience of worshipping a Domina for an hour or two as a nice diversion from their mundane office jobs—something to put a little spark back in their day, to send them back to the office after lunch feeling their newly welted ass sore and tingly, reminding them of the fun they had, while stuck in a budget meeting for the rest of the afternoon. The reasons why individuals might want to retain the services of a professional are as diverse as they are themselves.

  If you want to go see a pro, there are some rules of etiquette you need to know: how to conduct yourself, and what to expect from the professional. How do you know she is the right one for what you want? How do you know you will be in a safe situation? What is the location? Is there sex involved? How do you pay? These questions need to be answered in order for it to be a satisfying session for both of you.

  Top Drop: Similar to “Sub Drop” but can affect a Dominant or Top after a scene. Feelings of guilt are commonly associated with it and aftercare helps counteract this.

  Going to See a Professional Dominatrix

  We have all seen the ads in the back of weekly papers or on the Internet offering everything from “Exotic commanding Domina requires you to acquiesce and shower her with perpetual devotion” to “Strap-on play/Greek/No RUSH—$80/hr.” Some exclusive pro Dominas are available only through word of mouth; others have entire dungeons and slave retreats devoted to their business. Which one to pick? I recommend calling a variety of them and asking initial questions such as:

  I am new to this: what can I expect?

  How long will a session last?

  What safety precautions will you take if I want to push my limits?

  What type of equipment do you have?

  There is a certain level of professionalism you should expect from a pro Dominatrix. Ideally she will treat you much the same as your hair-dresser, mechanic or accountant would, only in leather and heels! These professionals are there to provide a professional service to the best of their ability, so that you leave feeling satisfied and will return. You can spend an hour with the “Strap-on play/Greek/No RUSH—$80/hr” Mistress who is working out of her apartment or you can visit someone who has impeccable standards that she holds herself to in regard to client conduct, safety, and furthering her own craft through education. The choice is yours, but remember: you are going to get what you pay for. Are your fantasies or desires worth playing in a low-end ballpark on the cheap side of town with a bent chain-link fence around the diamond, or are your fantasies worth an exquisite five-star hotel experience? Only you can determine what your comfort level and sexuality is worth.

  There is such an enormous amount of pressure on a man to always be in control of himself and others that it’s sometimes desirable for him to be able to relinquish power to a woman. Everything else is embellishment on this principle. If the woman is attractive and sadistic, it enhances her power over him. Many men are “afraid” their partners wouldn’t understand or appreciate their desire to submit to a woman and indeed, many women are invested in the notion of their strong, commanding partners and would be threatened by the idea of taking control themselves. In my role as a professional Dominant, I initially conduct a phone interview with the people who contact me to determine if we have shared interests. If there is enough common ground, I invite them to make an appointment and book time in my local dungeon. I take care to apply my makeup in a deliberate way that lets the man know that this is a special time. When they are inside and the arrangements have been finalized, I require them to strip off their clothing. Their nakedness and my protected state of being fully clothed adds to the power imbalance they desire.

  —The Maestra, professional Dominatrix

  Having a more experienced person to help you find your way in BDSM is not a bad idea.

  Pro dommes will have toys and equipment that you might never have even seen before!

  Uniform Play: Incorporates role-play with the wearing of uniforms. Many people find the wearing of uniforms and their inherent symbolism arousing.

  The majority of professional Dominas that take their craft seriously will have a website and will clearly post their rules as to what is and what is not acceptable. You must know that if you are going to see a professional Domina, you should not be asking for nor expecting sex. That is typically outside the realm of possibility; even asking for it will get you hung up on or your email ignored. If you want to go see an escort then book an escort; don’t expect a professional Domina to provide you with that service.

  I like to start off with a few simple questions that can give both of us direction:

  1) Tell me three things that you like to do, or are visually attracted too? 2) What is something you consider a gray area? Meaning something you may want to work toward, but currently find a little scary. 3) What do you definitely NOT want to do? I consider this the “Red area” that should never be pushed. Limits must be respected and that is why I work hard to establish strong communication. Even under short time constraints I find that a fun and enjoyable scene can be achieved as long as you maintain and respect boundaries.

  —Mistress Jezebel Fatale, professional Dominatrix

  Some other questions you can expect to be asked include, “Do you have any health issues I should know about?” and “What would you like to explore when we have time together?” They understand that if you are a newbie, you will be nervous, and the mark of an excellent Domina will be that she can put you at ease on the phone and tease out of you what it is you desire even if you are unsure of it yourself. You don’t have to be specific right off the bat. If it is your first time, you can say something as simple as, “I would respectfully like a general overview session that explores many different sensations as I am new and not exactly sure what I really like just yet.” That statement will help them prepare because it lets them know your experience level, gives them a starting point to prepare a nice introductory scene, and lets them understand that they won’t be pushing your limits too hard.

  Do some research to find the Mistress who is perfect for you.

  Vanilla: Everyday life/people/events.

  Getting into It

  Typically, you can book as long an amount of time as you can afford with a professional Domina. In this case, time IS actually money. An average introductory session might be an hour or an hour and a half. After you gain experience and develop a professional relationship with that person, a session might extend to several hours or even days. I know of some pro Dominas that will even travel with a submissive depending on the dynamic of the relationship. Some people are born negotiators and see a professional Domina as jus
t another professional to negotiate with for services to be rendered. Be forewarned that this is not the case in the realm of professional Dominas. They have set their rates according to their skill level, studio space, and equipment. Do you really want to dicker on a price point before you are all tied up and she is about to drip candle wax on your genitals? All you will do is piss her off and not in a good way. If her services are outside of your budget, tell her so and she might be willing to arrange a shorter time period for you.

  Once You Get There

  Be clean, freshly showered and dressed nicely. Be polite and allow her to start the scene by setting the tone with instructions for you. She is the professional after all, and she will set the tone according to what you discussed on the phone. You should have already discussed your interests and scene preference long before you get to the dungeon. Some states have different laws concerning the exchange of money between consenting adults. Dominas typically charge for what they call the “studio fee”; whatever else you discussed on the phone is between consenting adults outside of that fee. The law is different in each country and sometimes even varying among states in the same country. Before you book your first visit, acquaint yourself with your local laws regarding professional services from a provider such as a Dominatrix. Granted no sex takes place and that is a saving grace, but you will need to educate yourself as to how each locale delineates its sex worker laws, either online or by outright asking the Domina about the boundaries and laws regarding her profession before you arrive for your session. Some professional dungeons will expect you to pay the booking agent and not the Domina, while others will want you to pay them with the cash in an envelope, and no, you can’t pay by personal check, but there are some dungeons that will accept credit cards or online payment options such as PayPal. One way or another, you can expect to pay once you arrive, before you use the facilities. Ask about the payment method and rate on the phone when you book your session. If you are annoying, disrespectful, or even try to rip off a pro Domina you will find yourself blacklisted quite quickly in the community. All the pro Dominas talk to each other and word travels very fast among them.

  Dominas should be personable, professional and responsive to any concerns you have.

  Professional dommes all have different skill sets, so discuss your needs with her extensively.

  Waxing: Using hot candle wax on another person. It is recommended you find cheap, low-temperature candles when you initially engage in this form of play.

  Once you have begun the scene, you might find that what you had discussed on the phone, such as “I think I want to be tied up,” isn’t really working for you. Sometimes there is a disconnect between fantasy and the reality of what is actually happening. Don’t be shy in expressing this in a respectful way to the Domina. A simple “Excuse me Mistress, but if you don’t mind I would like to raise a point: while I initially thought I wanted to be tied up with rope, I find that the rope chafes too much and is hurting me. Would it be possible that we could try some other way of binding me, perhaps the cuffs?” (If this scenario involves your being gagged, you’ll need to drop the keys or make whatever nonverbal signal was prearranged.) Any respectable professional will realize that this is not an outlandish request and will be happy to accommodate you, even if her “game face” is stern and demanding. She wants you to have a good time and be satisfied so that you might become a repeat client and as a professional she wants to satisfy her clients. However, don’t be so disrespectful as to suddenly change your mind about the boundaries the two of you previously set once in the scene and become demanding, e.g., “Instead of wrapping me in plastic wrap, I want you to stick needles in my cock and balls and then whip the bottoms of my feet!” The first example deals with a variation of a specific activity, while the second example involves two completely different activities that have different boundaries and safety issues associated with them. Boundaries are important and so are manners; you will get much better service if you are polite, respectful and honest.

  After the Session

  Be polite and respectful. Many Dominas encourage feedback as to what you felt was positive and what you felt you would like to explore next. If you are not happy with how things went, address your issues in a polite and professional way. (See chapter 4 for more about negotiating.) Sometimes things may not go as you had envisioned and giving them feedback will help them understand how they can sharpen their focus for the next time you book with them. One professional Domina I know takes the time after a scene to ask the submissive to fill out an online questionnaire about the scene the day after and email it to her. She finds that after they have come down out of subspace and can clearly think again, her clients can offer constructive criticism or focus on the positive aspects of what did and didn’t work for them in the scene. She uses this method to better understand her clients’ needs and wants, and thus can better tailor and sharpen the focus of the next session.

  Discuss any boundaries you both have prior to your session, but explore within these as much as you can!

  Whipping Post: A firm upright post with a hook at the top to affix a bottom’s wrist cuffs to so he is stretched up and out while he is being whipped or flogged.

  Going to See a Pro with a Partner

  This is a great way to introduce a new partner to enjoying some of the things you do! I highly recommend that more couples go to see a professional Domina as she can share her vast knowledge and expertise in assisting them with their own BDSM dynamic. Professional Dominas often have years of experience and are great at facilitating a couple’s fantasies and helping them to discover new things about themselves and new sensations they might enjoy. Sometimes when I am just starting out with a new play partner I will bring her to a pro Domina friend of mine so she can expand the submissive’s chain of experiences. Each Domina is like a different artist with varying brushes and colors, painting across the canvas of another’s sexuality. I find that she will touch and explore with the person I have brought to her in completely different ways than I will. For a couple that is just starting to explore, this can be a revealing and bonding moment in which they can learn more about each other’s sexual desires from a different perspective.

  Things That Can Go Wrong and How to Deal with Them

  You have talked on the phone and exchanged emails, and are off to see your first professional Domina. You get there and unlike the professional looking space you viewed on the webpage, the studio looks dirty and rundown, or maybe even the Domina isn’t as she portrayed herself to be, or perhaps you don’t even feel you are safe. You are under no obligation to enter through that door and begin regardless of what you had agreed upon. If someone misrepresents herself or her service you can respectfully say, “I am sorry but I am not comfortable. I think I should go now.” If the individual tries to coerce you into paying a cancellation fee or threatens you in any way, pay the fifty dollars and take your leave and then let it be known among your own people that you had a very bad experience and would not recommend her services. There are online boards dedicated to reviewing professional Dominas; a simple online search will reveal them. You can post either a negative or positive review there and search out other reviews of different Dominas. Respected, experienced, professional Dominas take care of themselves and their business, and conduct themselves accordingly.

  Loyalty

  Just as you would with any other professional service, you may have to try a number of Dominas to find the dynamic, setting, and personality you like and enjoy exploring. Professional Dominas will hope you’ll want to return for a repeat session, but they also know that each one of them offers a varying and unique experience. Some may be experts in feminization and cross-dressing, others might have the advantage in corporal punishment. If what you find with one doesn’t work as well as you would like, then you will try another. That’s the nature of the service industry, whether you are taking your car to have its oil changed or having your taxes prepared. Typically, newbies looking only for
professional Dominas will try three to six different individuals before starting to settle into a professional relationship with one or two of them that offers exactly what they want. Pro Dominas know all this and will not feel hurt or betrayed if you move on; it is the nature of the industry.

  When Visiting a Professional Domina

  Plays safe. A good professional Dominatrix will respect any of your health issues or limitations, whether emotional, mental or physical. The studio will be clean and hygienic.

  She will respect and honor your boundaries.

  She will have a certain amount of empathy regardless of the professional business face that is on the surface. A good Domina needs to have the ability to identify and understand the experiences you are going through and how and when to push you and when to relax.

  She must have excellent communication skills, not just verbal but also the ability to read body language, signs and signals.

  She must have patience, creativity, and the ability to deal immediately with a high-pressure situation that requires cool, clear thinking to resolve.