How to Be Kinky: A Beginner's Guide to BDSM

by Morpheous

  It’s good to be the boss.

  Chapter Ten

  * * *

  Staying Safe and Having Fun Online

  In chapter 5 I discuss the merits of going online in order to get offline, that is to say to connect with real people and have real experiences as opposed to cyber sitting and tentatively getting a small taste of what is really possible out there in the real world. I still feel that this is the most valuable experience you can have: using the virtual world to give you a real connection to real people so you can have real experiences. However, in the 4 years since this book was first published, there have been some great advancements in the ways the Internet can help kinksters can augment their real life by going online. This includes BDSM-friendly social media sites, online kinky shopping, finding a community and learning how to keep your real life safe from Internet scams and identity theft.

  Mmmm, new toys! The reality of online shopping

  The Internet has been a godsend to kinky people everywhere. From the early days of sketchy chatrooms in which we’d find someone to participate in some virtual lewd behavior, we have watched it grow to a point where online shopping gives you the opportunity to order toys and fun playtime equipment from the four corners of the world. At the click of a button, those gorgeous products from different continents will show up in plain unmarked packaging, never arousing suspicion from nosey neighbors, all without you ever leaving your laptop. When it comes to kinky toys, some of the best companies are the small ones – little “mom and pop” operations that handcraft their toys with pride. I have always firmly believed in supporting these artisans in their endeavors, and the Internet has given small shops the chance to compete and find a market for their toys. Now, you are as likely to find high quality, unique items such as Lady Clankington’s Little Death Ray online as you are to find the mass-produced, poor quality stuff that used to reign supreme. The Catch-22, however, is that when an artisan is online and you’ve never seen their products in real life, in can be difficult to know whether they take the time to craft their toys to a high quality or not. No one wants to be taken in by a charlatan who is just reselling crappy equipment that is mass-produced overseas. This is a very valid concern, as you are essentially buying toys sight unseen and there is a risk involved for sure.

  Some of the toys you buy online will open up new worlds of fun, like the Little Death Ray.

  To avoid spending money on substandard toys, I always follow the same process: I stumble across something that looks super tasty online, for example the stainless steel anal hooks from a company called Blue Diamond Trading Company. I have never heard of them before but the pictures I see on their online store feature beautifully shaped and graceful anal hooks in lots of different sizes, slowly slipping in and firmly seating themselves inside some equally beautifully shaped and graceful bums. The price looks a little bit above what I have seen before, so the first thing I do is Google “Blue Diamond Trading Company reviews” to see what other people have to say about their equipment. Up pop a number of reviews from different people and I take the time to read through all of them. I know that there are always going to be pros and cons with any product, so I am looking to see if the pros outweigh the cons and what people have to say about the shape, size, fit and construction of the pieces. So far so good; I am being a smart consumer, right? Then I open up a new Google search and look for reviews of other stainless steel anal hooks. I look to see what people are saying, and if the other toys have different shapes and sizes; that sort of thing. Do other companies use a different type of steel? Is it stainless steel or chrome plated? Are they constructed cheaply or with an eye towards quality? Are there any other companies that offer a better product? After this, I turn to my social media sites, such as fetlife.com, and ask what others’ impression of this company’s toys are in the forum groups. In this particular case I am very happy with what I have seen, so my next step is contact the owners directly by email and ask a few questions such as “Why did you decide to make anal hooks?”, “What is the process of construction?” and most importantly, “What is the guarantee?” Good business owners and artisans will always, always take the time to respond honestly and offer fair compensation if you are not satisfied with their product. This is especially true for smaller businesses – they know that their livelihood depends on word of mouth over the Internet, so they take extra care to make sure their reputation stays in tact. I receive the hooks in the mail a little while later and not only are they beautiful but they are the right size and shape that I wanted. In fact, you can go to howtobekinkier.ca and see them in the free videos with Casey Calvert and Nyxon right now! As far as paying for your products, any reputable company will use a third party vendor such as PayPal that ensures your credit card information remains secure. Don’t be casual with your credit identity.

  WIITWD: An acronym for “What It Is That We Do” that is a broad reference to all kinky activities.

  If a deal seems too good to be true online, it most likely is. The nice thing about online shopping is that the Internet is a great leveler of the playing field. Bad companies and products will disappear the more bad reviews there are, while good companies that stand behind their products will make sure you are satisfied with their toys because if you love something, you will pass that along to your friend and maybe they will become a customer as well.

  Zipper: Many clothespins tied along a long cord and then pulled off quickly or slowly depending on how sadistic one is.

  Worldwide Kink: Social Media sites

  You can’t swing a hogtied subbie around your head these days without hitting a half dozen kinky social media sites. Many of these are modeled on the ridiculously popular Facebook, and work in much the same way. But how do you know which one to join and once you do join, how do you know if the profiles are for real or just fake ones used to generate traffic to their sites?

  This is easy: money.

  Any social media site that follows a business model that is based on the sincerity of members won’t charge you to join or chat or email other users. In fact, the best ones, like my personal favorite fetlife.com, won’t even allow you to do specific searches for other partners. My experience with FetLife has been that they allow members to search cities for other people to connect with, but won’t allow you to go hunting for specific members. The reason for this is that they want the community to build as a community rather than an online meat market. Their revenues are generated through small online ads that aren’t annoying pop ups. Of course, every site needs to be able to support itself and grow; after all, they have business needs to tend to such as having the money to run servers, pay staff and all the things that go along with having a successful business. No one said that you can’t use your social media site to generate income to support yourself; it is how the various sites do it that is always the key element, for me. I never involve myself with sites that want money up front or require you to buy credits. Sorry, but I like the feeling of community. Like all sites there is going to be a real mix of people, with community leaders, jerks, newbies, fun people and experienced pros. It is human nature to be one of these things, or sometimes several at once. Humans will always come with baggage and drama; you just need to ask yourself how much you feel you want to be involved with it? I am very lucky, as my friends were the ones that started Fetlife and I have watched it grow in leaps and bounds. The team there took advice from the real life community as to how they should build a site that worked well and are constantly looking at improving the user’s online experience without being intrusive. Good social media sites nurture their community, and should provide a comfortable place for beginners as well as experienced kinksters. If you get to know people on a social media site and you are a newbie with questions – ask! Ask about techniques or toys you have read about online, ask other people about that Dominant or submissive that has captured your attention, ask about whatever floats your boat. The power of a social media site is that someone with a good reputation will
have it easily backed up by others. Don’t be afraid to ask questions in respectful and inquisitive ways. Good manners go a long way, both online and in real life.

  The Blue Diamond Trading company produces some beautiful anal hooks.

  Good quality toys are always worth the money.

  So you are now ready to take the plunge, there are all sorts of things to consider. What part of your personality do you want to project when you select your screen name? Do you want to be known as “cumslut1969” or “SirSpanksALot420”? How you select your screen name is going to set the tone for your profile, so take some time to think it over. We all know that a name like “BukkakeWhore” is going to generate a lot more email and messages from a lot more users than a conspicuous handle will. You might want to keep your profile simple so that people take the time to get to know you and your personality first. Sure, it is fun to be known as “cumslut1969” – for a while. But imagine if you wind up going to munches with a name like that; can you imagine the kind of attention you’ll receive? At the end of the day, only you know what you’re looking for in an online life, so it is your call. When I chose my pen name, it was a nice way of creating my own persona in the community and it has a dandy ring to it. However, if you look at any of my profiles online or my webpages, there are very few pics of me, if any at all. I do this because a) I have a face for radio and b) it gives me more control over how much I allow my kinky and vanilla worlds to overlap. My family knows I am kinky (after the dishwasher debacle, there was no way of hiding it) but they don’t need to know “how” kinky. I don’t ask my mom if she gives my dad a Russian Finish in bed, and they don’t ask me anything more than “oh, off to do another book signing and tie up girls?” My family, other than my immediate partners, doesn’t need to know the exciting details of my sex life and I believe that tact and respecting boundaries both in the dungeon and out in public is essential. Like I said: good manners go a long way in life. So when you decide what photos you want to put up on your profile, remember that the Internet is forever. Likewise, what you put in your profile under “interests” should be engaging, honest and interesting to read – let your creativity flow! The more creative you are with words and text, the more likely you are to attract someone that is like-minded.

  The online world can be a lot of fun and I encourage you to re-read chapter 5 where we discuss getting how starting online can lead to amazing experiences offline. With newer and more exciting steps forward in the kink community online, bringing the two worlds together can help you truly immerse yourself in the kink world; or, if you prefer, can help you to have more thrilling experiences whenever you decide to dip your toe into kink, whether it’s every Friday night or just once a year. Finding a community, learning hands on techniques and trading saucy stories and writing new ones always makes your kinky experiences taste sweeter. Just remember that real life rules apply in the virtual world too, so be respectful, discrete at times and remember that good manners go a long way both in and out of the dungeon.

  Let your inner Bad Girl out with a tasty corset and whip!

  Resources

  Works Cited

  How to Be Kinky: A Beginner’s Guide to BDSM Morpheous, Green Candy Press, San Francisco CA 2008

  A Guide to Sexual Misery Bernhard Ludwig Uberreuter, Wien 2005

  Bound to be free Chales Moster and JJ Madeson Continuum NY 2000

  On The Safe Edge: A Manual for SM Play Trevor Jacques WholeSM Publishing Toronto 1993

  Suggested Reading

  Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes, Two Knotty Boys, Green Candy Press, San Francisco CA 2006

  Two Knotty Boys Back On The Ropes, Two Knotty Boys, Green Candy Press, San Francisco CA 2010

  SM 101 Jay Wiseman, Greenery Press San Francisco 1998

  Erotic Bondage Handbook, Jay Wiseman Greenery Press San Francisco, 2000

  The Master’s Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance, Jack Rinella, Daedalus Publishing Company, 1994

  Erotic Surrender: The Sensual Joys of Female Submission, Claudia Varrin, Citadel 2003

  Miss Abernathy’s Concise Slave Training Manual Christine Abernathy, Greenery Press 1998

  The Bride Wore Black Leather…And He Looked Fabulous!: An Etiquette Guide for the Rest of Us Drew Campbell Greenery Press 2000

  Toy makers and artisans

  This is by no means a comprehensive list, during my travels I meet many wonderful toy makers and artisans of kinky toys and speaking from personal experience these are some of my most favorites. The great thing is that I am always discovering new everywhere I go. There are lots of online resources run by individuals in your local area. Google is your best friend. Support your local artisans so they can support you!

  Rope

  I exclusively use these rope makers for all of my teaching and personal use:

  Handmade Rope handmaderope.com

  Serenity Bound serenity-bound.com

  Other great rope makers and suppliers

  Madam Butterfly butterflyrope.com

  Maui Kink mauikink.com

  Aja Rope ajarope.com

  Shibari Ropes shibariropes.com

  Twisted Monk twistedmonk.com

  Kinky Ropes kinkyropes.com

  Beautiful Bondage UK beautifulbondage.net

  Clothing and Toys

  Northbound Leather northboundleather.com

  Come As You Are comeasyouare.com

  Latex Vac Beds kinkengineering.com

  Ego Assassin Latex Designs ego-assassin.com

  Master Andre masterandre.com

  Aslan Leather aslanleather.com

  Toy Cases foryournymphomation.com

  Steampunk Vibrators littledeathray.com

  Fetish jewelry fetjeweller.com

  Bellakoi Designs bellakoidesigns.com

  Alice Handle alicehandle.com

  Torvea torvea.com

  Priape priape.com

  Hot Wax mild-to-wild.com

  Floggers kaosfloggers.com

  Rosie’s Floggers rosiesfloggers.com

  Venus Envy (Halifax and Ottawa) venusenvy.ca

  Ponce jewelrybyponceportland.com

  Atelier Gothique ateliergothique.com

  Axovus axovus.com

  Nipple Charms nipplecharms.com

  Girdles girdlebound.com

  Heartwood Whips heartwoodwhips.com

  Mailler Phong Chainmail cgmaille.com

  Leather toys katanaworks.com

  Corsets fittobetied.ca

  Ms. Martha’s Corsets corset1.com

  Whips whipmaker.ca

  masterwhipmaker.com

  snakewhips.com

  Libido toys libidolondon.com

  The Wild Side Cross Dressing wildside.org

  The Stockroom stockroom.com

  Mr. S. Leather mr-s-leather.com

  Extreme Restraints extremerestraints.com

  Burlesque supplies bettiesandbombshells.com

  Bear T shirts beartshirts.com

  Canes canes4pain.com

  thekinkshop.com

  Leather Masks and canes prysmcreations.com

  CheapTRX cheaptrx.com

  Master of Toys motbdsm.com

  Aluminum handled floggers floggers.com

  Restraints luckystarsleather.com

  Floggers kinkykustoms.ca

  flogger.com

  Rings triskeliondesigns.com

  Sensuous Bliss etsy.com/shop/sensuousbliss

  Chastity Devices lockedinsteel.com

  wholesalebdsm.com

  Fort Troff forttroff.com

  Kinky Medical kinkymedical.com

  Venus Eromedia venuseromedia.be

  Rubber Fucker Latex rubberfucker.com

  Paddles spankinc.ca

  Steel toys bluediamondtradingco.com

  Violet Wand violetwandstore.com

  Healsfang healsfang.com

  Fantasies in Leather fantasiesinleather.com

  Dr. Clockwork drclockwork.com

  Fire play and medical toys mtslenterprises.com

/>   Good Vibrations goodvibes.com

  Coco De Mer cocodemerusa.com

  Babeland babeland.com

  Self Serve selfservetoys.com

  Australia: Leather Gear eagleleather.com.au

  Ireland: BDSM toys toysforjoys.ie

  BDSM B&B and other kinky accomodations

  Ontario chateausauble.ca

  warmbuns.ca

  Seattle mybdsm.com/pages/

  GypsyArms/seascene.htm

  Oregon twistedcedarestate.com

  Amsterdam absolutesuite.com

  UK essandemm.com

  France frenchdungeon.com

  Spain sm-urlaub-mallorca.com

  Italy casacarisma.it

  Jamaica kinkinthecaribbean.com

  New Zealand bdsmpassion.com

  Australia dragonhousefarm.com.au

  Magazines online and paper

  Eros eros-zine.com

  Domination Directory International ddimag.com

  Skin Two skintwo.co.uk

  Marquis marquis.de

  Secret secretmag.com

  Bookstores and kinky cafés

  Come As You Are (Toronto) comeasyouare.com

  St. Louis shamelessgrounds.com

  Outwrite Books (Atlanta) outwritebooks.com

  A Different Light (San Francisco) adlbooks.com

  Websites of hot online sites and art

  Mine lordmorpheous.com

  modelmayhem.com/812653

  Maxine X maxinex.com

  Candle Boxxx candleboxxx.com

  Chloe Bond chloebond.com