Chasing Him

by Kennedy Fox

  * * *

  So this brings me to now. As I’m writing this, I’m weaker than I’ve ever been and can’t stop crying that my time with our baby is ending. I’d been having some health problems and blamed the symptoms on the pregnancy, but when I blacked out at work, I was taken to the ER where they found I had a brain tumor. I even saw a neurologist, hoping the diagnosis was wrong or not as bad as originally thought. I was told it was too advanced, and that surgery could be an option, but it wasn’t a guarantee. The risks were high. I could die on the table, or they could get inside and realize the tumor was too invasive to remove. My other option was to do chemo to shrink it and give myself more time, but it would’ve aborted the baby. My last option was not to have the surgery or chemo and give our sweet child a chance at life. By the time she was born, those options were completely out. But I wanted to meet her, hold her, kiss her sweet face. I knew I’d never get to do that if I picked the first two options, and I wasn’t about to put my life above hers, not when she had already proven to be such a miracle. The cancer had already spread so quickly, and the chances of survival were slim to none. Now, I have no chance at all.

  * * *

  But I don’t regret it. Getting to spend these last nine weeks with her has been a blessing and the best weeks of my life. I chose our baby, John. Please take care of her. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I know you’ll fall in love with her too. She looks a lot like you actually, which makes me happy. My time to go is almost here. My body is shutting down, and no amount of treatment can help me now. Knowing I was leaving her behind has made me an emotional wreck, but I couldn’t stand the thought of our precious girl being sent to foster care or worse—being raised by my parents. As far as I know, they don’t know about her, and I’d like to keep it that way.

  * * *

  Her name is Maize Grace Kensington-Bishop. I listed you as her father on the birth certificate, so you have full guardianship rights.

  * * *

  She needs you now more than ever. I can’t give her the life I wanted, but you can. When she’s older, please tell her I loved her more than anything—more than my own life—more than words can describe. Tell her I’ll see her again someday and will always be watching over her.

  * * *

  Tell her stories of how we met and us horseback riding together. Those nights we spent together were the most magical nights of my life, and I hope you can forgive me for not telling you sooner, but I tried. It was selfish of me, but after she was born, I wanted to spend what little time I had left with her and soak up every minute. I love you for making me a mom, John Bishop. She’s special in so many ways, and I hope you can understand why I had to do this.

  * * *

  Love,

  Bailey Kensington

  * * *

  P.S. All her paperwork is tucked into the side of her car seat. I’m so sorry.

  The word daughter repeats in my mind as I blink and see everyone staring at me with anticipation. I become a tight ball of emotions as I hold the letter tight, but my arms fall lifelessly to my side.

  “She’s mine,” I say barely over a whisper, glancing down at the baby girl with a pink blanket wrapped tightly around her, sleeping so peacefully. There’s a pink bow in her dark hair. Swallowing, I continue. “Her name is Maize.”

  Jackson’s mouth falls open, and even I don’t know what else to say. I’m just as blindsided about this as they are. On cue, Maize opens her eyes, takes one look at all of us hovering over her, and releases a scream from her lungs. I look around, not really sure what to do. Emily kneels, picks her up, and then holds her gently against her chest. Standing up, she rocks her body back and forth to soothe her.

  “Shh, it’s going to be alright, little Maize. We’re all going to take good care of you,” Emily whispers, calming her and me at the same time.

  “What did the letter say exactly? Who’s the mother?” Evan asks, watching Emily calm the baby. She’s already a natural, which doesn’t surprise me.

  “Do you remember Alex’s bridal consultant who we met during our tux fittings?”

  “The one you stole from me?” Jackson taunts.

  I roll my eyes and ignore him. “Her name was Bailey, and she came for horseback riding lessons, and well, we hooked up.” I lower my eyes, trying to really grasp the fact that she’s gone. Honestly, I don’t think this will ever sink in, or maybe I’m just in a state of permanent shock.

  “You hooked up with my wife’s bridal consultant?” Alex shifts on his feet and folds his arms.

  “Yeah, why? Was she off-limits or something?” I scoff.

  “Wait…” Evan interrupts. “Her name was Bailey?” he asks as if he’s trying to remember that day.

  “Yeah, apparently she was diagnosed with a brain tumor and—”

  Evan and Emily look at each other, and an uneasy feeling surrounds me.

  “What?” I ask.

  “Do you think…could it be?” Emily asks Evan, and he gives her a look.

  “What’s going on?” I wave my hand between their faces.

  “Can I read the letter?” Evan asks me sincerely, and I reluctantly hand it over to him. I trust him.

  I wait impatiently as Evan and Emily read over the letter, trying to hold back their emotions. Staring at Maize sleeping peacefully in Emily’s arms, I still can’t believe she’s really mine. She definitely looks like a Bishop with the trademark nose and pouty lips.

  “I can’t believe this,” Emily finally says.

  “What?” Alex and Jackson ask at the same time.

  “We had a patient come into the ER about four months ago who was in her third trimester and diagnosed her with a brain tumor just like this,” Emily explains, the blood draining from her face. “Her name was Bailey, and she had chosen not to be treated.”

  “That must’ve been her,” I mutter, my eyes glossing over as I think about Bailey going through that alone. If she’s not close with her parents, I can only imagine how scared she was to make such a life-changing decision.

  “It was her,” Evan confirms. “Same last name and everything.”

  I release a deep breath, stunned by this realization. “You told her not to take the treatment?”

  “No!” Emily quickly responds. “Our jobs are to explain all the options with risks and possible outcomes. She could’ve waited to get the treatment until after the baby was born, but even then, surgery was risky. She wanted to spend as much time with the baby as she could, and doing chemo could’ve prolonged her life, but she would’ve been sick for months. We told her everything and encouraged her to do what she felt was right.” Emily’s words should comfort me, but I feel nothing. Numb.

  I can’t believe this. How am I going to raise a baby on my own?

  “So wait…what happened to her?” Alex interrupts.

  “She only had a few months to live,” Emily explains.

  “Which is why she had the baby sent here,” I continue, my vision going fuzzy.

  Evan places his strong hand on my shoulder. “We’re going to help you. We won’t let you do this alone,” he reassures me. Jackson, with zero jokes and all seriousness, tells me he’ll help however he can. Alex pipes in too, telling me how great of a dad I’m going to be, and that he and River will do anything they can to pitch in, too. At this moment, I’m so proud to have these men as my brothers.

  “I’m going to need all the help I can get.” I brush a hand through my hair, not knowing where to even begin. Sure, I’ve helped with Riley, but this is different. This baby girl will depend on me for everything, and the weight of that is almost too much to comprehend. I almost feel as if I’m in a dream state, but there’s no chance of me waking up. This is now my reality.

  Emily looks over at me with a smile. “You should hold her,” she says softly.

  I take Maize and hold her gently in my arms. My body tenses at first, but then she opens her eyes and looks up at me, and I relax.

  “I promise to give you the best lif
e I can,” I tell her. All eyes are on me, but there’s no judgment. Instead, the bunch of them are smiling at me. It takes everything I have not to break down as the realization sets in that this is really happening.

  Holy shit!

  I’m a dad.

  Chapter Three

  MILA

  A smile hits my face as soon as the plane touches down in San Angelo. The elephant that’s been sitting on my chest for the last week might actually move on, though each time I think about Cade, my heart hurts. After we deplane, I walk to the luggage carousel and grab the suitcase I plan to live out of for the next month. By the time I make it out of the sliding doors, Gigi and Papaw are waiting by the curb in their big Dodge Ram truck. Gigi gets out and walks over to me, looking as pretty as ever with her silver hair pulled back into a tight ponytail. As soon as we’re within arm’s reach, we exchange a big hug.

  “There you are, sweetie!” Gah, it’s good to finally be back in Texas.

  Oddly enough, it feels like home. Though I’ve never lived here, I have handfuls of wonderful memories attached to this place.

  “How was the flight?” she asks as we walk toward the truck where Papaw is sitting with a big grin on his face.

  “It was fine. No turbulence at all. Even got a window seat and basically took pictures the whole time.” I throw my suitcase over the tailgate of the truck and hop in the back seat.

  “Good to see you, Mila.”

  “You too, Papaw! You didn’t have to come to pick me up. I know how busy you are.” I lean forward, patting his shoulder.

  Shaking his head, he continues. “Wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to see my favorite granddaughter.” He flashes a wink over his shoulder.

  Gigi slaps him on the arm because she has over twenty grandchildren and hates it when he calls favorites, but the truth is, he says that to all of us, and I kinda like it. Makes me feel special because when I’m with them, I get their full attention for the time being.

  We drive toward Eldorado where they’ve lived their whole lives, down the twisting and turning country roads with speed limits closer to a hundred than not. I stare out the window, trying to take in the rolling hills and grayish sky. It’s much colder here than I expected it to be, and my warm breath causes the window to fog.

  As we pass through the old wrought-iron gate and travel over the cattle guards, I smile. After traveling a while down the old rocky road, the ranch home with the big wraparound porch comes into view. I can’t wait for Papaw to stop the truck, so I can take in the cool, fresh air, then run inside and get warm by the fireplace. Something is sacred about Gigi’s house. It always smells like sugar cookies, and it’s the coziest place on the planet.

  Once the truck is parked, I step out and take in my surroundings. The smile on my face doesn’t falter, and as I look around, I realize this is exactly what I needed—nothing but peace and solitude. My grandparents’ ranch is a small piece of heaven on earth that somehow washes away all the sadness.

  Papaw grabs my suitcase from the back of the truck, and I’m half-tempted to run over to the tire swing I used to play on as a kid, but I don’t. I’m almost shocked to see it’s still hanging.

  “Mila!” Gigi calls as I make my way toward the porch. “Kat wanted you to call her as soon as you arrived.”

  “Will do!” I say with a smile. My cousin Katarina and I have always been close, and we tend to get into trouble when we’re together, but I’m looking forward to hanging out with her for the next month.

  Papaw unlocks the door, and I step inside, taking in the time capsule from my childhood. Not much has changed, and it makes me happy. The same pictures are on the walls, and the old quilts are lapped over the back of the couch. Walking up the stairs, dragging my suitcase behind, I go into the bedroom where I always stay. I throw my suitcase on top of the bed and run my hand across the top of the quilt my great-great-grandmother made just as my phone buzzes. Pulling it out of my pocket, I see it’s Kat and hurry and unlock the screen.

  Kat: Hooker. You here yet?

  * * *

  Mila: Just arrived!

  * * *

  Kat: I’m coming to pick your ass up. We need to catch up.

  * * *

  Mila: Let’s do it!

  I go downstairs and catch Gigi up with my life as she mixes the dough for my favorite cookies. I tell her about my last semester of school and how hectic it was trying to finish early while doing student teaching, and she tells me what they’ve been up to around here, which actually is quite more than I expected. We laugh, and I help her scoop the dough into balls and place them on the cookie sheet. Shortly, Kat is walking through the door and basically tackles me when I come into her view.

  “You two girls favor each other so much.” Gigi admires us with a proud smile. Kat and I look at each other and laugh. When I’d visit in the summer, we used to tell people we were twins separated at birth because we look so much alike. We’re the same height, have dark brown hair, blue eyes, and high cheekbones with dimples.

  Gigi puts the cookies in the oven, and less than twenty minutes later, she’s pulling them out and stacking them on a cooling rack. I take one as soon as Gigi turns around. It’s hot as hell, but that doesn’t stop me.

  “I’m supposed to be watching my sugar,” I admit after taking a large bite of the warm, gooey cookie.

  “Why?” Gigi looks me up and down. “You could use some meat on those scrawny bones of yours.”

  I playfully roll my eyes and take another bite as Katarina basically pulls me out the door by the arm.

  “Don’t y’all be going and getting into any trouble,” Gigi warns us.

  “I’ll try,” I say right before I close the door.

  We walk out to Kat’s car, and I smile. “I wish it wasn’t so damn cold, so we could take the top off this baby.”

  She runs her hand across the hood of her Camaro convertible. “We can take the top down.”

  Just the thought of it makes me shiver. It’s cold enough outside without her driving seventy.

  “I’m good,” I tell her, but she doesn’t listen and takes the top down anyway.

  “It’ll be good for you.” She laughs. “And I’ll turn the heat on.”

  “You’re nuts, but that’s why you’re my ride or die.”

  Thankfully, she has heated seats and blasts the heat on my feet, but it’s almost not enough. We drive down the old twisting country roads all the way into town where she takes us to the local diner. Once she parks, she looks over at me with a funny expression, and I know my hair is just as windblown as hers. My cheeks are as cold as ice, and I can’t feel my toes.

  “Let’s get some coffee and pie,” she finally says as she presses the button that puts the top up. Thank God. We both place our hands over the vents to warm them.

  “That was such a bad idea,” I tell her, shivering.

  “You’re right,” she finally admits but shrugs. Kat isn’t always about logic and reason, which is why she’s known for being a troublemaker. Hearing about the messes she’s gotten into is the only adventure I get in Georgia, but I do wish she’d take life more seriously now that we’re getting older. She’s almost twenty-three now.

  We walk inside and find a booth as far away from the door as possible, so we don’t feel the cold breeze blowing in. After we order our coffees, she tries to fill me in on the family drama I’ve missed over the past month. Kat’s mom and dad own half of Eldorado, and she’s always lived in style. Though we’re basically the same age, Kat has spent more time talking about the future than actually making plans for it. I love her to death, but she’s never had to work a day in her life for anything, which is probably how she got her nickname, Rebel Princess, during high school. She’s never had to deal with real consequences because of who her daddy is, but since everyone knows everyone, nothing slips past her parents.

  “…and apparently Kelly thinks it’s okay to let her husband cheat as long as he comes home to her every night.”

  I shake my
head in disbelief. Her sister married her high school sweetheart right after graduation, and it’s been drama ever since.

  “She won’t listen to any of us, so we’re just waiting for her to snap. Thankfully, they don’t have kids, so hopefully, when she finally leaves his cheatin’ ass, it’ll be a clean break.”

  A waitress sets a carafe of coffee on the table and asks for our order. We order a piece of apple pie and a piece of cherry pie with extra whipped cream.

  Kat looks at me. “So tell me what’s going on with you. It’s been about a month since we last talked.”

  “I know. Student teaching and grading took over my life. They practically killed me on top of studying.” I sigh, taking a small sip of coffee.

  “I bet!” She cringes on my behalf. “So how’s Cade?” She gives me a smirk.

  I roll my eyes, and her demeanor changes. “Oh, that can’t be good.”

  A sarcastic laugh escapes me, and that’s when I realize how bitter I really am about the whole situation. “Apparently, he’d been secretly seeing someone.”