Love Hate Relationship (a Colors novel)

by Jessica Prince

  “Spill it, Carson.”

  His chuckle resonated through the line, flooding my chest with warmth. “How do you feel about having a couple houseguests in two weeks?”

  “Are you kidding?” I squealed excitedly before remembering to keep quiet. A quick glance over my shoulder showed an empty hall so I continued, softly. “Are you kidding? You’re really coming?”

  “We’re really coming, little bit.”

  “I can’t tell you how happy that makes me,” I whispered, more than a little teary-eyed. “You’re the best brother I never had,” I told him, using the words we’d made up for each other years ago to let him know exactly how much he meant to me.

  “And you’re the best sister I never had,” he followed accordingly.

  Talking to Carson was a reminder of how much I missed everyone at Willow Ranch. That, combined with the somberness of my situation with Rowan, sent a wave of sadness through me. “God, I miss you, Carson. You have no idea.”

  I should have known he’d read my tone perfectly. The man had been in tune with my emotions since I met him when I was only eleven years old. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” I lied, making sure to put a smile in my voice to reassure him even though I wasn’t feeling it.

  “You sure? You wouldn’t lie to me, would you?”

  “I swear, Carson. Everything’s good. It’s just early. I’m not properly caffeinated yet.”

  He remained silent for a few seconds. “If you say so,” he spoke skeptically. “But if something’s ever wrong, I’m only a phone call away, little bit. I’m always here for you, no matter what. Cass, too. Hell, every damn one of us at the ranch.”

  I giggled again, feeling just a bit lighter. “I know.”

  “I love you, you know that?”

  “I do know, Carson. And I love you, too.” I smiled again, and that time it was genuine.

  “Me and Cass will see you in a couple weeks, yeah?”

  “I can’t wait,” I answered honestly.

  “Talk soon, little bit. Have a good day.”

  I had just enough time to reply with a, “You, too,” before the line disconnected.

  I stared at the black screen of my phone for a few seconds when a throat cleared from behind me, giving me a start as I spun around on the couch. “Good Lord, Rowan.” I laughed. “You scared the hell out of me.”

  “Who’s Carson?” His stony tone wiped the smile off my face and I took in his frigid demeanor as he rested his shoulder against the doorway, arms crossed over his bare chest. If it hadn’t been for the fury radiating off him, I might have had a chance to appreciate the way he looked in nothing but a pair of gray sweats, but that wasn’t in the cards for me.

  “What?”

  “I asked,” he ground out slowly as he pushed from the door and came toward the couch, “who the fuck is Carson? And don’t lie to me. I heard you tell that asshole you loved him and missed him.”

  Whereas any sane person would have cowered down in fright at Rowan’s murderous glare, I had a different reaction… mainly because he’d just referred to Carson as an asshole.

  “He’s my brother!” I clipped as I shoved from the couch and came nose to nose with him, the best I could. Just as always, he had me flipping from cold to hot in a heartbeat, and my anger was enough to match his as we stared each other down. “And don’t you call him an asshole, you dick!”

  “I told you not to lie to me,” he responded in a low, warning growl.

  “I didn’t lie!”

  That seemed to give him pause… for a nanosecond. “You said you grew up in foster care. You never said shit about having a brother.”

  “Maybe because you never asked!” I shouted. “And, not that it’s any of your damn business, but he’s my foster brother. He basically raised me since I was eleven.”

  A sarcastic snort worked its way from Rowan’s throat. “And you actually expect me to believe nothing’s happened between you two? Give me a break, Navie. I’m not an idiot.”

  I wanted to slap him. No, I wanted to punch him, really hard.

  Instead, I lifted my phone up and hit a few buttons, accessing my photo album. “Here.” I shoved the phone in his face for him to see. “That’s from last Christmas. That’s Carson, his wife, Cassidy, and their daughter, Willow.” He looked from the screen to me with a furrowed brow. “Keep scrolling,” I said sarcastically. “You’ll see more pictures of the three of them. I’m in some of them. Cassidy’s Aunt Milly and Uncle Kal are also in some, too. Oh!” I snatched the phone away and scrolled to one of my most recent pics. “And that’s a picture Cassidy texted me last week of her pregnant belly. Now, you wanna keep accusing me of stupid shit when it’s obvious I have a good relationship with Carson’s wife, or are you ready to pull your head out of your ass?” I finished on a shout.

  “I—” he started, but I didn’t give him a chance to continue.

  I snatched my cell phone from his hand. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Just a warning. The next time you want to call my brother names, you better be prepared to have the ever-loving shit kicked out of you. There aren’t many people in my life I love, but the few I do, I love fiercely. I got thrown into the system when I was four and bounced around all alone until I met Carson. He protected me, took care of me. And when my most recent foster family kicked me out the day I turned eighteen, he took me in. He worked two jobs, saving up as much money as he could so that when I came to New York, I didn’t have to struggle.

  “And when he met Cassidy and her family, none of them hesitated to welcome us into the fold with open arms. I’d die for each and every one of those people, so I better never hear you talk shit about any of them ever again. You understand me?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “And I—wait, what?”

  He stepped into me and ran his fingers through my hair, locking them together at the base of my neck. “I said I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I just heard you talking to some guy, telling him you loved him, and I got pissed. I should have asked you first, and I didn’t. I jumped to conclusions, and for that, I’m sorry. Oh, and I’m also sorry for calling your brother an asshole. I’m sure he’s a great guy.”

  “What’s happening right now?” I whispered.

  “Well,” he chuckled, “I woke up this morning without you in my bed, which I wasn’t happy about, FYI. I went looking for you, found you wearing nothing but my shirt, got hard enough to pound nails with my dick, heard you talking to another dude, stuck my foot in my mouth and made an ass out of myself, and now I’m trying to apologize. That about sum up our morning so far?”

  “Uh…”

  “But I’d much rather get back to the part about you wearing my shirt.” His tongue snaked out and ran across my bottom lip, sending a shiver throughout my body. “Please, for the love of God, tell me you aren’t wearing anything underneath.”

  As his face came closer, mine leaned further away. “Seriously, what’s happening right now? Did I wake up in an alternate universe or something?”

  He pulled back, looking as confused as I was feeling. “What are you talking about?”

  I struggled against his hold until he finally let go. I needed space if we were going to talk about what happened between us. I couldn’t think when he was touching me. I couldn’t afford that kind of distraction.

  “Rowan, it was just one night, right? I mean, you don’t… I thought…”

  “You thought what?” he asked agitatedly as he crossed his arms over his chest.

  “I thought…” Oh, God, there was no way to say what I had to say without coming off like a raging bitch. Sucking in a lungful of air, I pushed forth, the awkward tension in the room putting my nerves on high alert. “I thought you didn’t do repeats. I mean, I saw how you dismissed that woman on my first day and I just assumed… Gah! I planned on being gone before you woke up to avoid this very conversation! I’ve never had a one-night stand before. It’s not like I know proper procedure. Cut me some slack!”

&nbs
p; His jaw ticked as he grew stiff. Oh, damn, he was pissed. “You thought this was a one-night stand?”

  I shrugged. “Well… yeah.”

  “Jesus Christ!” he boomed, and I immediately went on the defensive.

  “Come on, Rowan! Your track record with women isn’t exactly classified. You can’t be mad at me for being confused. Put yourself in my shoes.”

  He sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly as he ran his hands through his sexy, sleep-rumpled hair. His abs bunched and I found myself licking my lips hungrily as I watched his muscles flex and release.

  “You’re right. Shit,” he hissed. “I’m sorry.”

  It was right then that something dawned on me. My heart began pumping at a frantic pace at just the thought. I didn’t want to be hopeful. I knew better than to hope. But, God, could he really…?

  “Do you…” I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry as the desert. “Do you want this to be more?”

  Oh, God, I thought pathetically, please say yes.

  Did I want it to be more?

  Fuck, I wasn’t sure.

  I knew I wanted more of her body; there was no doubt about that. I knew I loved her company. I couldn’t remember laughing as hard as I had since I had met her in years. I knew I genuinely liked her. But the idea of more, the idea of turning what we had into something official, something serious, scared the shit out of me. I wanted Navie in my life. That much I knew for certain, but if my past was anything to go on, relationships imploded and things turned ugly and bitter. That love you thought you felt for a person turned sour, bitter, and hate took its place.

  I didn’t want that.

  But the hope shining in the deep blue depths of her eyes knocked the wind from my lungs. I knew without a doubt that saying the wrong thing would send her away and I’d lose her completely. I was walking on egg shells as I tried to give her an answer that would accommodate what we both wanted… what I needed. Because the thought of her not being in my life, well, that was a pill I just couldn’t swallow.

  “I don’t know,” I answered honestly. The moment the last word left my mouth, I watched those shutters drop around her. The light in her eyes flickered out and I knew she was just seconds away from shutting me out. Grabbing her hands and pulling her to me, I continued. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Navie. I want to be honest with you, you deserve that much. I don’t want what we had to be just a one-time thing. But I’m out of my depth here. I don’t want to make you any promises I can’t keep, but I will tell you this. I want more of this. I want more of what we had last night—”

  “So… you just want to keep having sex?” I was losing her.

  “No! I mean, yes. Fuck!” I paused to suck in a much needed breath before I royally fucked everything up. “Not lying, baby, I definitely want your body again. And again, and again, and again. But I also like spending time with you. Can we just… can we take this one day at a time and see where it leads us?”

  I inhaled my first relieved breath when that shine came back and her body loosened against mine. “Yeah,” she whispered. The smile that overtook her face made me want to kiss her all the more. “I think I can do that.”

  “Thank God,” I sighed, earning myself the wonderful sound of her laughter. Then she lowered the boom.

  “But I need to know one thing first.”

  “What’s that, baby?”

  “Who’s Bree?”

  You know how movies draw out a car wreck, in slow motion, amplifying the squeal of the tires as the brakes lock up? The loud, jarring boom of impact, metal screeching as it’s twisted and mangled, glass shattering at an earsplitting level? Well, that was exactly what played out in my head after Navie asked who Bree was.

  It was a goddamned car wreck.

  “I’m going to need coffee for this conversation,” I answered, lacing her fingers through mine and leading her into the kitchen. I measured the grounds and started the pot to brew before turning back to Navie. Christ, she looked good sitting on my barstool in nothing but my shirt. She rested her elbows on the countertop and had her chin propped in one of her hands, shifting the top of the shirt just enough to give me a tantalizing view of her luscious cleavage. Before I could talk myself out of it, I was picturing running my tongue along that valley, reveling in the taste of her skin. That visual quickly morphed into me thrusting my cock between those two mounds, her dusky pink nipples standing at attention as I fucked her tits.

  Son of a bitch, I was hard. Having a conversation about Bree while sporting an erection was not an ideal situation. I sucked in several calming breaths, trying to tame my raging hard-on.

  By the time the coffee finished, I had myself under control. I poured myself a cup and made one for Navie, sliding the mug across the counter to her. “Bree was my ex-girlfriend.”

  “What the hell? But I thought you didn’t do relationships.” The comment wasn’t sarcastic or biting. Her face held nothing but genuine surprise.

  “And I don’t, not anymore. And I didn’t do relationships before Bree either, so to say I’m a bit out of practice would be putting it lightly. She was the only serious relationship I’ve ever had. And that fucker went up in flames.”

  “What happened? I mean, I can kind of piece together parts of the story based on what you said to your brother last night, but I’d rather hear it from you than jump to conclusions.”

  If I had the choice between reliving my past with Bree and shoving an icepick into my brain, I would have gladly taken the icepick. But considering what I had with Navie seemed to be at stake, I suffered through the pain and started from the beginning.

  “I met Bree when I was twenty-five. I’d just signed my first book deal and had been out with some friends celebrating. She was at the bar that night with her friends and, well, one thing led to another and she went home with me.” Awkward was the only word that adequately described talking about an ex with a woman I was currently sleeping with, or at least hoping to sleep with again in the very near future. “Things moved fast from there and before I knew it, we’d been together for three years. Or at least, that’s what I thought,” I added bitterly.

  “What do you mean?” Navie asked softly, pulling me from the haze of the past.

  “What I mean is it wasn’t the most… conventional relationship. Yeah, we were together for a long time, and we spent a lot of time together, but we never did the typical shit that normal couples do. We never met each other’s parents, we rarely went on dates. When we weren’t together, most of our communication consisted of texting, not phone calls.”

  Navie’s brows lowered into a deep V as she cocked her head to the side. “How is that even possible? I mean, when you’re with someone for three years, I thought that stuff just happened, you know?”

  I let out a derisive snort. “So did I. But I was young, and a fucking idiot, and she always had an excuse. She was working late, or had a meeting, or traveling for work. And I was the dumbass who never questioned her. I was at the beginning of my dream career, I had more money than I knew what to do with, and I was in love with the woman I planned on spending the rest of my life with. I felt ten feet tall and bulletproof. Nothing could touch me,” I finished, my voice lowering as I stared down into my coffee cup, the hole in my chest just as black as the steaming liquid that filled the mug.

  “You really loved her,” Navie said quietly. It sounded almost like she was speaking more to herself than to me, and when I looked up I didn’t like the expression on her face. Contemplative combined with worry, and just a hint of sadness. Jesus, when had it become so painful to see that girl sad? It was killing me.

  “I thought I did, at least,” I told her, wanting to wipe her face clean and paint the happiness back into her eyes. Because the truth was, looking back on what I had with Bree, I couldn’t be sure if it really had been love, or if it was just the idea that I had the perfect life. If I had been asked that same question months before, I would have answered with a definitive yes. But now… well, now I wasn’t so
sure. “Like I said, I was young and stupid.”

  She cleared her throat and gave her head a tiny shake, her mass of hair creating shiny, golden waves. “So, where does Richard play in all of this?”

  A humorless laugh worked its way up my chest. “Well, there’s the really fucked-up part of my little story. You see, the reason she always had an excuse to never meet my family, or to avoid being seen with me in public was because she was fucking my brother behind my back.”

  Her sharp gasp reverberated off the walls. “Are you kidding me?”

  “Wish I was. The shittiest part of all of it, though? Just a week before I caught them together, she told me she was pregnant. There I was, the fucking moron who thought he was going to be a dad when really, it wasn’t even my kid.”

  “Oh, my God, Rowan. I can’t believe… that’s just… oh, my God! What did he have to say about it?”

  “Wouldn’t know,” I answered with a shrug, infusing my voice with a casualness I didn’t even come close to feeling. “I took off right after it happened. Packed my shit and hauled ass from Connecticut to New York. Griff and Dex had moved here after college to join the academy, and I crashed with them for a bit before finding my own place. I haven’t spoken to either of them since it all went down.”

  “Holy shit,” she said on a sigh, coming off her stool and walking in my direction. “I just can’t believe that. Your own brother. That’s so…” Her face twisted in anger as her small hands pressed against my stomach. And instantly, with just one touch from her, my entire body went off like a live wire. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered as she looked up at me, genuine sympathy staring back at me. “I never had any siblings, not until Carson. But he’s not blood, you know? But I always wished for one. And I can’t imagine ever hurting them the way Richard hurt you.”

  She completely undid me. I couldn’t help myself; leaning down, I took her mouth with mine in a slow, languid kiss that had just as much of an impact as the brutal ones we’d shared the night before.

  “It’s okay. It was a long time ago.”