The One of Many

by M. Jane Early

  I nodded.

  He exhaled loudly. “Listen, with everything going on, I won’t have time for much else. And it’s not fair to push you aside. You don’t deserve that.”

  The blow was mere seconds away, and I had to prepare for the gaping hole in my chest his words would leave behind.

  When his eyes met mine again, they were steel, with no warmth or apology. “I can’t be with you right now, Farren.”

  I scoffed and looked away. I threw everything I was holding onto my couch, then put my hand over my mouth. Tears tugged at the corners of my eyes.

  “I’ve been thinking about this for a few days,” he continued. “I can’t make this work the way you want me to. Not right now.”

  Anger overtook my shock. I looked at him. “How about you stop being such a coward and tell me the truth?”

  He narrowed his eyes. “What?”

  “You’re terrified,” I said and walked towards him. “There’s someone standing in front of you who wants you, wants to be with you, and you can’t handle it. It’s too hard, so you’re running away.” I couldn’t stop the tears from spilling over. I turned away and wiped my face.

  “Farren, it’s not fair to you—”

  “Stop!” I faced him again. “This has nothing to do with me. I’m not the issue, David. You are.”

  “You don’t understand what I just went through.” His voice raised.

  “You’re right. I don’t because you won’t talk to me.” My voice matched his.

  He put his hands on his hips. “I don’t know how to do this, Farren.”

  “Yes, you do.” I swallowed hard. He finally looked at me, and hurt covered his expression, reflecting how I felt.

  My stare begged him to tell me he was just scared, that all of this had emptied him, and he didn’t know how to move forward. When he wouldn’t answer, I knew it was over.

  “I don’t want to make this harder on either of us,” he muttered. “I just can’t be with you right now,” he repeated.

  “So I was right about two things,” I whispered and paused. “You’re not ready, and I’m not worth it.” I walked to my couch and sat, staring at the floor.

  “You are worth it. I just can’t give it to you,” he whispered back.

  “Won’t, you mean,” I mumbled. Tears fell down my cheeks, one by one. I didn’t bother wiping them away—they would be there for the rest of the night.

  David moved towards the door. He watched me with his hand on the knob. He had grated my heart into slivers within my chest. The pain that accompanied the expulsion of us was worse than I thought it could be, and when he walked out the door, he took a part of me with him. A part I feared I would never get back.

  Thirty

  The meeting had started at one, but I couldn’t move from my desk. David had called everyone on the floor to gather in the conference room while he streamed Imperium’s relaunch. My dejection and exhaustion from the night before kept me from getting up from my chair. I was afraid seeing him would either lead me to a full-fledged emotional breakdown or a wave of rage where I couldn’t control where my hands flew.

  “Hey, girl.” Yvette knocked on my door.

  “Hey.” I glanced at her, forcing a smile. I hadn’t told her yet.

  “Why are you still in here? The boss is about to reveal your masterpiece.”

  “Our masterpiece.” I kept my focus on my computer.

  “Whatever. Come on!” She walked away, and my face fell again.

  I closed my eyes, knowing I had to go in. Sulking in my office to avoid the man who stomped on my heart was childish. If I had to fake that everything was okay for an hour, I could. I was stronger than that.

  I carefully walked towards the conference room and saw everyone huddle through the window, watching the white screen that hung at the front. David was standing near it, looking up at a commercial playing when he caught sight of me. His eyes burned into mine as I slowed. His mouth parted and his chest rose and fell.

  The hate I wanted to feel for him was washed away with the furrow of his brow. I begged the tears to retreat. I didn’t want to lose it in front of everyone. I needed to play happy director. Professional and strong. Not a heartbroken sap.

  I entered and passed everyone to stand in the back of the room. One member of my team offered their chair. I shook my head and raised my hand silently to stop them. I returned my gaze forward, finding David still watching me. I released his stare and looked at the screen. He subtly and slowly shook his head and looked down.

  When the video stopped, everyone clapped and waited for David to start his remarks again. His jaw was tight as he walked in front of the conference room. He took a breath and finally looked up.

  A fake smile spread. “I’m immensely proud of you guys. You took a company that was following behind the pack to potentially being a real competitor in the industry. You worked tirelessly and gave me everything you had. I will forever be in your debt.” The emotion in his voice was clear.

  “Um,” he scratched his forehead with his thumbnail, “as most of you know, I lost my father last week. Samuel Powers started this company hoping he could change the world of telecommunications. That he could compete with the likes of the bigger, older companies. I think today, we can begin to finally accomplish that wish. For that, again, I thank you.”

  He moved to the stack of papers on the table and looked down. “I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge some folks who got us here.”

  David went through the list of my team, giving little anecdotes about each of them. When he got to Yvette and Trevor, he announced they would be the new marketing managers. Yvette would be in charge of visuals. Trevor, social media and PR. As everyone clapped, their surprised faces made me gleam. They both looked at me with appreciation.

  “I have one more announcement about leadership. I don’t think this will surprise any of you.” He paused. His face became serious, then he locked eyes with me. “For a while, we’ve been without a marketing director, but there was an obvious choice from the beginning. Farren Hallston.” The intensity from David and the pats on my shoulder made me turn away. I smiled and thanked everyone around me.

  He looked around the room. “When I say that I could not have done this without her, I mean just that. No one worked harder and with more poise than she did. And believe me, I put her through hell.”

  The employees laughed while I wanted to run and hide.

  “Farren,” he called. I unconsciously looked up. “I know I haven’t been fair to you in these last few months.” He stopped, recognizing people who didn’t know our personal history surrounded us. “Your time and such,” he amended. “But I need you to know how important you are to me…and Imperium. Thank you.”

  Everyone looked at me and clapped. I forced a smile and glanced around. I met eyes with Yvette, who wasn’t smiling, reading my face. I raised the corner of my mouth to her as she looked between David and me.

  David cleared his throat and continued with the meeting. I couldn’t do it anymore. I quietly excused myself and moved around the people in the room to leave. David stopped his remarks, his eyes on me as I escaped back to my office.

  By the time I made it, the tears had ruined my mascara. I walked to the mirror, looking at the black trails down my cheeks. Thank god for portable makeup wipes, I thought. I pulled out a few and wiped my face. The knock at my door made me rub harder. I couldn’t let David see me like this.

  “Just a minute!” I yelled.

  I fanned my face to help return it to a normal color. I sat at my desk, back straight, eyes dry. “Come in.”

  Yvette stuck her head in first. “You okay?”

  I exhaled. The façade faded. “No,” my voice broke.

  Telling Yvette what happened made me feel marginally better. Before she left my office, I had to convince her to not cuss David out. She said she’d try but couldn’t promise anything, which made me laugh.

  At five, I got a direct message from David, asking me to come to his
office and that it was business-related. I was out of tears for the day, and confident I could make it through a quick meeting without breaking down.

  I knocked on his door, then entered, intentionally leaving it open so there couldn’t be a personal conversation. I stood at the farthest end of the room. He was in front of his desk, his back to me. I didn’t say anything or make any noise. I couldn’t. I was emotionally drained and couldn’t give anymore to David. I merely waited.

  When he finally turned, we regarded each other for a few moments. He leaned back against his desk with his hands in his pockets. He took a breath to speak but stopped.

  I knew what he wanted to ask. “I’m fine, David. What do you need?” I rushed out.

  He continued to stare at me with distress in his eyes. When I gave him a heavy sigh to tell him to get on with it, he shook his head with irritation. “There are some things I still need to handle with my father’s estate. I’m going to take some time off for a few weeks, maybe a month.”

  I gave a slight nod, grateful I wouldn’t have to interact with him for a while. Something told me he wanted to get away from me too.

  He continued. “Yvette said the launch party is ready to go next Friday. I’ll leave after that. I told her if she needed anything to talk to you. Is that okay?”

  “Yeah, that’s fine,” I answered.

  He started towards me with an exhale, his eyes never leaving mine.

  “David, don’t,” I whispered.

  He stopped and laid his hands on his waist, frustrated. “I hate that I’m making you feel this way.”

  I looked up to stop the tears I thought wouldn’t come again.

  He exhaled. “Tell me what to do. Tell me what’s going to make this easier for you,” he pleaded, and I met his eyes. “Tell me what’s going to make you not hate me.”

  I backed out slowly, unable to be near him anymore. “It’s like you said. What I want, you can’t give me.” I turned and left out the door.

  Thirty One

  The Shore Hotel was Yvette’s choice for our company-wide launch party location. The updated contemporary design was gorgeous and fit the theme, Going Forward, perfectly. The main ballroom opened into the pool area for more space. The lights along the walls were orange and purple. They draped over the white tablecloths and matched the colors of the sunset outside exactly. The pool was lit with blue beams, reminding me of Mexico. I dragged those thoughts back, trying not to think of that night.

  I walked into the crowd in my white strapless dress and tan heels. My hair was up and casually messy to contrast the formality of the rest of my outfit. My heart was beating out of my chest, remembering the last time I had gotten dressed up. My first date with David. Tonight, I would do everything I could to avoid him.

  I went to the bar and ordered a white wine to settle my nerves. When I got my glass, I took a sip, feeling someone staring. I turned around.

  David.

  I averted my eyes to the other side of the room. He sauntered to me in his fitted gray suit. It must’ve been new. I was almost positive I would have remembered how he looked in it.

  When he stood in front of me, that damn cologne invaded my senses. As if my breath weren’t uneven enough, his kryptonite over me was present as well.

  His eyes ran down my body and back up to my face. “You look stunning.”

  “Thank you.” I took a deep breath and darted my eyes around the room, trying to find an escape. I wanted to avoid crying while trying to convince David I was fine. Knowing I was far from.

  He paused. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  “I’m, uh, gonna go mingle, I guess. Good luck tonight.” I glanced at him and walked towards the pool.

  He caught my hand. “Farren,” his eyes begged, “can we talk for a minute.”

  “There’s nothing to say.” I wiped away the tear that fell, silently cursing it for betraying me.

  He tried to pull me to him, and I took a step back as he removed his hand from mine and let me go.

  Mark approached us. “David, they’re ready for you.”

  David’s eyes never left me. He nodded as Mark left.

  The space between us felt like miles. I rubbed my hand with the other, trying to hold on to the feeling of his touch. I moved away without a word and disappeared from his sight.

  I found Yvette and Trevor by the pool and joined them. We made small talk about what an outstanding job Yvette had done with the party and the food. I tried not to look like I wanted to burst into tears by giving my false smile and laugh. Yvette wasn’t fooled. She looked at me when no one else was paying attention and widened her eyes with an Are you okay? expression. I shook my head. She sighed, rubbing my arm.

  The night progressed with no further interference from David. My posture relaxed after they served dinner, though I was in no mood to enjoy it.

  The MC announced they were beginning the speeches from middle management about the rebrand and the company’s direction. I had made it clear in my email that I would not be a speaker. Standing next to David in any form or fashion was bound to shatter my disguise.

  Removing myself from the gathering crowd, I took off my shoes and walked down the stairs to the sand to breathe in the ocean air.

  “Farren?”

  I turned around and saw the same hazel eyes I dreamt about. “Ally?”

  She smiled at me.

  “Hey,” I said with surprise. “What are you doing here?”

  She wore a black dress and silver stilettos. Her dark blonde hair was long and curled. “David invited me. I’ve been in LA since the funeral.”

  I stepped closer. “I’m so sorry about your dad.”

  “Thank you.” She took a breath. “Missed you at the funeral.”

  “I wasn’t invited.” I tried to smile.

  “Yeah, I heard my idiot brother broke up with you.”

  I looked down and nodded.

  “I know this is none of my business, but you have to know this isn’t about you.” I glanced at her. “David’s scared,” she said, as if it were the most ridiculous notion ever.

  I was beyond tired of crying, but the tears came anyway. “He said he wasn’t ready.”

  Ally scoffed. “That’s not why.”

  I looked at her.

  “He wants to be with you, but he’s afraid he’s going to end up like Dad.”

  I looked at her confused. “What does that mean?”

  She came closer and lowered her voice. “He told you about how he cheated on my mom?”

  I nodded.

  “He saw what it did to her and to us. David always thought he was a carbon copy of Dad. The business sense, the drive, and the womanizing. David got comfortable in that lifestyle and thought it was because of some random genetic code in his genes. When he developed feelings for you, all he could think of was not hurting you. It really messed with him.”

  I furrowed my brow and looked towards David, who was giving his speech on stage. “So he sabotaged it,” I whispered.

  She nodded. “Pretty much. Dad dying left David with a lot of questions, ones that he feels like he’ll never resolve. I think he thought my dad had some secret about why he was such an asshole and treated my mom like that. But he never got his answer, or the ‘cure.’ David thought letting you go now would keep you from heartbreak later.”

  I looked at Ally with annoyance. “That is so ridiculous.”

  “I agree.”

  “How can someone so smart think his DNA is the reason we can’t be together?” I asked in frustration. Ally shrugged with the same look of bafflement. I looked back at him on stage. “I wish he had more faith in himself…in us.”

  She shrugged. “David’s never really been a risk-taker in his personal relationships.”

  One of the first conversations David and I had about relationships replayed in my head. The lack of willingness to work at something that took effort and time. And his overall attitude about being with someone. Fear of commitment.

  She sighed.
“I know this doesn’t fix anything, and I probably shouldn’t tell you, but if it helps, I’m making him go get help. He has to deal with Dad’s death…and Dad’s life,” she said with hope.

  I smiled at her and shared that hope too. “You’re a good sister, Ally.”

  “Yeah, well. As much as he pisses me off, I love the moron.”

  Something I didn’t want to admit inched up my chest and came out before I could stop it. “I think I do too.”

  She had genuine empathy in her eyes. “I’m really sorry, Farren. For what it’s worth, I was pulling for you. And trust me, I gave David the tongue-lashing of his life when he told me all of this. I’m so tired of him being afraid to be happy with someone.”

  I wiped the moisture from my face and sniffed. “Thank you,” I breathed.

  She nodded and inhaled. “I’m gonna go get drunk.”

  I laughed, continuing to wipe the tears from my face.

  “Wanna join me?” she asked, laughing.

  I shook my head. “I think I’m gonna go home.”

  She touched my arm. “It was good to see you, Farren.”

  I smiled. “You too.”

  She walked away. And what I’d tried to avoid the entire night was no longer in my control. I broke down. I turned towards the sea and willed the ocean to help calm me down. I took deep breaths and eventually collected myself. There was no way I could make it through the rest of the party without completely falling apart in front of everyone. I ordered a car and started my escape, hopefully without notice.

  At the edge of the pool, while everyone’s focus was towards the microphone and the company heads, I walked towards the exit, my shoes still in my hand. I promised myself not to look back and search for David to see if he was watching me. Not to have hope for us anymore. We were over, and I had to accept it.

  Thirty Two

  I took some time off after the launch party. Now that Yvette and Trevor were managers, I could delegate things I hadn’t been able to before. I wanted this vacation to be a reset. Not only between David and me, but to figure out what I really wanted to do, both personally and professionally.